Naboo Who? Just Gimme That Jedi: An Obi/Ami Parody.

It's a lovely day in Theed City on the lush, verdant planet of Naboo. But this jewel of a world's natural beauty hides darkness within. Queen Amidala is sad.

Only two months ago, the Queen and her small but courageous band of security guards and sharp-shootin' handmaidens defeated the invading Trade Federation droid armies. Oh yeah, some Jedi helped, too. Well, anyway, the whole planet is now rebuilding, picking up the pieces of their shattered lives, trying to make sense of the carnage, etc.

It's a very stressful time for Naboo's rulers. But that's not what's got Padme's…errr, Amidala's…well, whatever she's calling herself today's panties in an uproar.

No. Our little Ami's heart is broken.

Go inside the palace. See her, over there in her throne, chin in hands and tears making pitiful little tracks on her pretty, white-pancaked face? If you could see into her mind, would you discover what could possibly make such a formerly strong ruler so melancholy?

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The thought runs over and over through Ami's brain, replaying itself like a bad holo-message. She knows he loves her. She could see it in his eyes.

He'd spoken to her. To Her. He'd looked right at her, and spoken. Could she doubt his love after that?

There is an even bigger danger, he'd said. If the Viceroy escapes, Your Highness, he will return with another droid army.

Even now, two months later, she could hear the lovely, cultured tones of his voice as he spoke to her. To Her. He'd looked DIRECTLY AT her, and spoken. And those words had held so much meaning.

It's obvious to her now. He'd been trying to tell her he loved her. But she realizes it too late. Everything—the battle they'd fought, the deaths they'd suffered—everything pales now next to the memory of his words to her and the hungry passion they'd concealed.

Another teardrop rolls down her face. This one trails, unheeded, down to her pouty lips, turning blood-red as it passes over the scar of remembrance. Why doesn't he call?

Suddenly, brave Captain Panaka rushes into the throne room. "Your Highness! There is a priority transmission for you!"

HE CALLED! Major panic! Ami's tears dry as if by magic. Should she run and do her hair? No, there's no time! She pats her nose to take away the shine, and composes herself casually on the throne, trying to look as if she'd been doing something, anything, but sitting there waiting for his call. "Put it through, Captain."

A hologram appears in the middle of the queen's marbled reception area. It's….it's…..IT'S ONLY PALPATINE DAMMIT! Ami wants to shriek with frustration. "What the hell do you want, Chancellor?"

He doesn't notice her impatience. "Good news, Your Highness. The Malastarians have agreed to give us disaster aid in the form of half their gross planetary product! It took very little persuasion--"

Ami cuts him off with a languid wave of her hand. "That's nice, Chancellor. Now, can I let you go? I'm waiting for an important call."

"But, but, but Your Highness! I was also going to tell you that everyone was so impressed with your leadership abilities, one-third of the planets in the Republic want to elect you as their ruler! This is a wonderful opportunity to consolidate--"

"Y-A-W-N, Chancellor. I'm sure you can handle it. Goodbye." She draws a finger across her throat in an unmistakeable gesture. The transmission ends abruptly.

Why doesn't he call? Stunned with grief, Ami jumps up and runs to her quarters.

::::: Insert Two-Hour Adolescent Weeping Session Here:::::

She must do something. She knows she can take the waiting no longer. Surely it's only his duty and damnable pride keeping them apart. He's probably doing some boring Jedi stuff, waiting for her to call. A realization comes to her. Maybe he doesn't know she loves him? After all,

--there is an even bigger danger--

what had she said to him in return? . Something stupid about capturing the Viceroy.

Yes, that's it! He's probably pining away somewhere, maybe even on his deathbed, wondering why she didn't call. Oh, she'd better hurry before it was too late!

She finds her communications remote next to a well-thumbed copy of Sweet Valley Teen Queen on her nightstand, picks it up and enters a code. A few seconds pass and Ami forces herself to quell her panic. What if he's dead of a broken heart already? She'll never forgive herself.

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BEEP…..BEEP…….BEEP.

Obi-Wan Kenobi quickly hides the battered copy of PlayJedi under his chair and presses a button to answer the incoming call. (What? You say Obi-Wan is a dedicated Jedi Knight, and would never, ever just hang around reading pornographic magazines? You've obviously forgotten that this is a lighthearted romance fic. I can make Obi-Wan act however I wish, as long as he ends up boinking the Queen.)

"Kenobi-Skywalker residence, Obi-Wan Kenobi speak--"

CLIK.

He shrugs and goes back to his magazine.

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EEEEEEEEK! He'd answered! She'd been so scared, she'd panicked and dropped the remote. Oh, well, at least she knew he was at home, and alive. She runs to her refresher room to re-apply her makeup before calling again.

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BEEP…..BEEP…….BEEP.

"Kenobi-Skywalker residence, Obi-Wan Kenobi speak--"

CLIK.

"Dammit, who keeps doing that?"

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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! That Voice! She'd frozen again. This time, she'll get it right.

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BEEP…..BEEP…….BEEP.

"Anakin, would you get that? Some bastard keeps hanging up on me."

"Sure, Obi-Wan!" Anakin skips over to the communications control panel of their high-tech Coruscant quarters, and presses the answer button. "Skywalker-Kenobi residence. Anakin Skywalker speaking."

"Uhhh. Ummm. Hello, Ani." ::giggle:: "Is, uh, your Master there?"

"Yo Padme! What's up babe?" Anakin isn't about to hand over the transmission just yet. The chick of his dreams is right up there, in all her widescreen glory, on the viewer above his head. "You look really hot today, didja know that?"

"Umm.." ::giggle:: "thanks, Ani, but I've got important business. Can I please speak with O-O-Obi-Wan? I've got something…uh…important to talk to him about."

"Well, damn babe, I guess so." Anakin sighs. "Hey, Obi-Wan! It's for you!"

Obi-Wan comes back into the communications room. He shoots a strange look at the screen above him. "Can I help you?" He shoos Anakin away, and the boy leaves with a mutinous look.

"Obi, my love, it's me!"

He looks confused. "I'm sorry, you have me at a disadvantage. Who is 'me?'"

"You silly, I'm so sure!" ::giggle:: "It's me, Ami. Amidala."

A lightbulb goes on over Obi-Wan's head. "Oh, that's right, the Queen of Naboo! Yes." He's quite pleased with himself now. "What can I do for you?"

"My love, you can fly to Naboo this instant and make wild, passionate love to me!"

"Um." Obi-Wan is shocked, to say the least. "Not to be rude, but why would I want to do a thing like that?"

"Because you love me, I know you do." Tears spring to her eyes, glittering on the giant screen like stars. "Because I love you."

Obi-Wan sits back for a moment, thinking. She is kinda cute. But something is niggling at the back of his mind. Something about jailbait… "Can I ask you a question? How old are you?"

"Fourteen." Ami's tear-choked voice holds a hard edge now. What is he trying to say?

"I'm twenty-five. Do the math."

She's weeping in earnest, now. Oh, cruel, cruel galaxy, that would keep two lovers apart because of a few mean, nasty old years! She runs a planet, for crying out loud. Oh, woe…

Obi-Wan begins to feel bad. She looks really upset. And she is kinda cute… "Your Majesty? I'm sorry, you just took me by surprise. You say you want me to visit?"

"Oh, yes." She's desperate now.

"And make wild, passionate love to you?"

"YES, oh, YES!"

"All right, I'll tell you what. Take two breast implants, and call me in seven years when you're legal."

Ami has to think for a moment. Can she wait that long to be with her love? Maybe she can. Think of all the sex seminars she can attend in seven years. "Make it six and a half, and you've got a deal. Come to my twenty-first birthday ball."

"Sounds good." Obi-Wan nods. "Oh, and Your Highness? Make sure it's a masked ball, will you? So much more convenient that way."

"Deal." She blows him a kiss, and ends the transmission.

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By Golly, she KNEW it! He loves her! She'll bankrupt her whole planet if she has to, but she'll find the Best Pair of Breast Implants Ever Made. And she'd better get started now! After all, she only has six years, five months, sixteen days and three hours left until her birthday ball…

THE END

This was written in response to a song lyric/fic challenge on the Arcolist. "Someone left the cake out in the rain" is a song lyric from MacArthur Park. I can't remember who wrote it. Anyway, the challenge went something like "take a totally meaningless song/poem and write a stupid Amidala-loves-Obi-Wan-fic based on it." I only hope I did these beautiful words justice.