Forgetting

It terrifies me.

There's been so many that have crossed the line before me. It shouldn't scare me so much. It should be something I'm used to, something we all expect. Something I want to run into with open arms so I can see all of those that have gone before me. We can't expect if it will be violent or peaceful, but it's one thing we all have in common.

Something that is just a part of life. Something I've seen time and time again. Sometimes it's violent; sometimes it's peaceful. But it's something I've seen where it's accepted with grace, which makes it even harder. To watch someone just accept it and not run from it; it's beautiful and graceful and somehow poetic.

And I get that, I get that, I really do...but for me...it's terrifying.

My fingers and toes are going numb; I know that's something that should just slip by, something that shouldn't be on the forefront of my mind. But it is. I want to clench my fists, rage against the unknown, but my fingers tingle. Can't clench. Can't feel my gloves...

My fingers and toes are numb because my blood is spilling out of my side.

It's like a sick nursery rhyme…

'Head, shoulders, knees, and toes…

Head, shoulders, knees and toes…

Can't feel your fingers,

Can't feel your toes…'

He should be coming around the corner.

He should come running in, sword swinging, eyes blazing and firey. He'll scoop me up in one arm, his other brandishing his sword. He'll press me to his chest with one arm and fight back the fire with the other. And I'll find my legs somehow, and I'll press away from him with swinging fists and I'll fight them back. I will...I will...I will!

That's what we do. That's what we're supposed to do. That's what we've always done. That's what we're always going to do.

But he's not coming around the corner. And I'm not finding my legs. I feel like I'm stumbling on a ship in a storm. There is no course to follow, there is no way out of this. Where are my legs?

"You've got good sea legs," Cid grumbles as we sail into the sky and I grin with satisfaction.

What good is it now?

It'll be hard for him; impossible in some ways.

But he'll make it, I know he will. He has to.

They'll all hold him up, our friends, just like they have in the past. Barret taking him on long, silent walks and Gaia knows the pain he has keeping his mouth shut. Yuffie giving more than generous Materia trades, Vincent loaning Cerberus for some target practice.

They'll keep him together, just like they've held us all together after someone leaves. They'll hold him in place and keep him moving when he needs to. It'll be terrible, excruciating for him. I don't know how he'll survive but I know he will...just like if it were flipped and I were to survive. I know he'll hurt, and I'll know he'll suffer...and that's terrible and horrible and I don't want him to go through that.

But that's not what scares me...at least, that's not what scares me the most.

And it's selfish of me to feel this way…

It's not that I won't be there anymore to hold his hand, to chide him about something silly, to curl against him in the night, to press my lips against his…

It's that I don't know what happens after. That I don't know how it all ends.

That when it's all done I won't remember…

All I want is to remember.

I'll just be energy, or I'll just be in the darkness. I may not even know that I'm there. I don't care what it is that lies beyond as long as I remember.

Let me float in the abyss alone, let me feel eternity. I can survive that, as long as I can remember. I want to remember it all. I want to remember Aeris' smile. I want to remember Barret's strong arm around me; I need to hold Marlene's tiny hand in mine as we walk through the market. I need to hear Cid's voice in my ear and smell the smoke as he yells. I need to feel Vincent's silent and reassuring presence at my side. I need to hear Yuffie yelling about materia and how we can steal something.

And I need to remember him. The first moment I saw him, the first moment we caught hands as children. I need to remember running through Sector 7 with him. I need to remember Nibelhiem and all the hurt that comes with that. I need the feeling of his fingers on my arm, holding me steady. I need his lips on mine, warm and reassuring.

I need that shy, shy, small smile he can't let Cid or Barret or Yuffie or Vincent see. That true, happy smile saved for me.

I can make it if I have that.

I can't feel my arms, feel my legs...

My breaths are shallow…

Everything is fading…

And that's okay, it really is.

Just let me remember it all.

Just don't let me forget a moment.

Just don't let me forget it.

A/N: I think one of the biggest things I struggle with when it comes to death is not knowing the end. I am very much a person that even if I don't like the plot or the characters I need to know how something ends, and it's kept me reading more than one series to see how things turn out whether or not I like it. It's how I feel about this whole human race experience, I need to see how it ends lol (as a scientist as well as a wannabe author). Even with my own family, or friends. Your relationships never end because you want to see how the people you love, and the ones that they love progress, and it's a never ending cycle. I hope you enjoy despite the brevity :)