Drabble #3:
In Which Durza Attempts to Promote
Disclaimer: We don't own chocolate, the state of Florida, or any of the movies referenced herein. We also don't own Eragon; we're just borrowing the characters so we can play with them. We promise to put them back exactly as they were. Well, minus their sanity, of course.
Authors' Notes: Thank you to all who reviewed; we value your comments and LOVE knowing that we're actually making someone out there laugh! The humor continues in this chapter, where we have taken the memorable Urgal promotion scene from the movie and have decided to show what we imagine we didn't get to see. Enjoy!
The Urgal Captain's bulging eyes rolled up in his head as Durza pressed one long, talon-like fingernail into the creature's temple. Then the Urgal tilted, teetered, and finally toppled to the floor like a felled tree.
Durza smiled slightly as he looked down at the body, pleased that he had justly punished the Captain for his failure to find the farm boy, as well as his subsequent failure to do it and return without incurring a huge expense through his soldiers losing or breaking equipment. Durza had considered this a key point when he had given the Captain his orders; hiring a spider exterminator to rid the castle of the pesky arachnids from dungeons to battlements was not cheap, and he had hoped that the Urgals would manage to keep their expenses down. But despite their orders and obvious concept of math, the Urgals' habit of losing things had gotten the upper hand: the bills for replacement swords, tents, rations, and general supplies—including, for some strange reason, strawberry scented bubble bath and pastel colored shower caps—were piled high on the Shade's desk, a veritable avalanche of parchment he was sure could feed the ravenous flames of his fireplace for at least a week.
And he should know. He had dumped roughly half the pile into the fire over the past four days, and he was still wading ankle deep through the paperwork that flooded his study, some of which had been decorated with pink ribbons or flowers, or accompanied by a complimentary box of chocolates in a futile attempt to assuage the Shade's wrath.
Futile especially since the chocolate was white chocolate, Durza thought angrily. Don't my minions know anything?! Shades only like DARK chocolate! Not WHITE! That's for sissy heroes like that stupid farm boy! The imbeciles…
Oh well. At least burning the bills saved on paying to have wood hauled in. And it did give him a sense of vicious pleasure, and certainly a means of much needed stress relief. Really, if things continued the way they were going, the dark circles under his eyes were never going to clear up.
Durza heard a nervous shuffling and glanced up at the crowd of Urgals who were tensely awaiting orders. Or the next execution, whichever came first.
"Oh. I forgot you were still here," Durza said with a touch of irritability. He supposed they were waiting for him to appoint one of them the new captain, but clearly none of them were exactly enthusiastic about the prospect of gaining the position. After all, so many of them ended up without heads or as black, greasy smears on the floor that were mopped up by the maid.
The Shade scanned the crowd and then shrugged. It didn't really matter who he appointed, he decided. The new one was bound to be just as incompetent as the last. He might as well use the 'eeny-meeny-miny-moe' technique that was all the rage with the peasants these days, or have the Urgals all draw straws. Or point. Yes, that would be the quickest. And time was of the essence since he now had to invent yet another new strategy for capturing that irritating farm boy.
So Durza pointed, jabbing his finger towards the crowd as though trying to spear one of their eyeballs on his fingernail. "You!"
The Urgal hesitatingly stepped forward.
"Congratulations. You've just been promoted," Durza announced, smiling cruelly at the new Captain and the other Urgals behind him. They just stared back at him, their eyes darting nervously. Durza rolled his eyes and started to turn away so he could renew his plotting of Eragon's destruction.
And then the new Urgal Captain stepped forward.
"Thank you for your generosity, but at this time I find that I am unable to accept such a promotion and the responsibility that accompanies it," the Urgal said apologetically.
Durza stared at him, amazed that the Urgal could speak so eloquently, let alone string more than two spoken words together. Writing supplies, reading, sums, what would be next? Apparently this, he thought.
"And why can't you accept your promotion?" the Shade asked, truly curious.
"Well, your Shade-ness, I was ordered by my superior—who now lies justly dead before me, due to his incompetence—to take a year-long sabbatical in Florida, away from active duty, due to our unit doctor's finding that I, as well as my performance as a soldier, am suffering from multiple unhealed wounds, in addition to low self-esteem issues caused by my socially unaccepted appearance, and my multiple cases of schizophrenia." The Urgal wrung his hands and looked even more apologetic. Durza stared at him, briefly wondering exactly where this 'Florida' was and where exactly the title 'Shade-ness' had come from.
"Multiple cases of schizophrenia? What, is one of your multiple personalities a schizophrenic as well?" Durza inquired dryly.
"I'm afraid so, your Shade-ness. And due to my mental instability, I think it unfair to these soldiers that I be put in command of their lives. For instance, sometimes I—LUKE! I AM YOUR FATHER!—THE PHA-A-A-NTOM OF THE O-O-OPERA IS THERE—Why is the rum always gone? And then the dolphins decided to leave Earth by their own means. So long and thanks for all the F-F-F-I-I-I-ISH!"
Suddenly, the Urgal shook his head and snapped out of it. He looked around at his brutish comrades, who stared silently at him. Durza couldn't help but stare as well, despite realizing that he was doing an uncharacteristic amount of staring in one day.
"Oh my. It happened again, didn't it? EVERYTHING IS TOPSY TURVY AT THE FEAST OF FOOLS! SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS! One ring to rule them all! We have so much history together, you and I, Gabriel—!"
"—And that's why I'm relieving you of duty until further notice," Durza quickly interrupted. He gingerly patted the confused looking Urgal on the back. "Enjoy 'Florida'."
The Shade then gestured to two of the other Urgals, who quickly led their former Captain from the room. Durza sighed and shook his head, rubbing at his temples as shouts of "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW—!" echoed down the hall and into the chamber, long after the former Captain was gone from sight.
Durza turned to the remaining Urgals, all of which were now understandably looking very edgy.
"Okay then. Which of you is mentally stable?"
None of the Urgals raised their hands.
Of course, I forgot, Durza thought, rolling his eyes. They're all certifiable psychotic murderers. No mentally stable among them. Durza sighed again.
"I guess it's back to drawing straws, then."
Authors' Notes: Hehe! That was a fun one! Hope you enjoyed. We might do one more chapter, this time with Eragon also making an appearance. Please review!