Hi there. I'm RTJ, the supreme author god of every story I create. I just want to say a couple of things before I begin. I know I've been away for about, say… 4 months? I would like to say sorry to any of my readers, I've been way to busy. Second, I'm NOT continuing Sapphire Stories because I really don't see the point of writing a Hoenn story anymore. Third, I've decided to do this story in the first person. Ok… that's it for me. Read now.

"Hi. My name is Diamond. Welcome to my uneventful life. I shall now bore you with excruciating detail about how nothing happens in my life. My life is so boring that you might develop narcolepsy from the sheer boredom- OW!" I was walking to my friend Pearl's house while writing down what I was saying. I wasn't paying attention and tripped over a rock. "Oh screw this!" I shouted as I got back up and tossed my papers out into the bushes around Pearl's house.

I went around to the back of the house to Pearl's tool shed. That's where he told me to go on the phone. He said we're gonna go catch some red thingy… I tried to open the door but it was locked from the inside.

"Pearl! It's me! Let me in!"

"Hold on! I'm working on something in here."

"I swear to God, if you're jacking off in there again I'm gonna-."

"I don't jack off! Just shut up and wait outside." I sighed and sat down on the ground. I could hear banging and the sound of saws from inside the shed.

"Wow. It sounds like you jack off to saws and hammers now Pearl…"

"I don't jack off! These saws and hammers are pivotal to the grand enterprise we shall soon be undertaking!" He said enthusiastically.

"Grand enterprise? We're not jacking off on T.V are we?" I guess I got on Pearl's last nerve because he immediately stopped what he was doing and rammed the shed door open.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" He screamed in my ear. I cringed and stood back up.

"You're such a spaz Pearl…" I said. His shout caused a ringing in my left ear so I could barely hear what I said. He pulled out two ten foot poles from the back of the shed. Pearl seemed to have duck taped a chainsaw to the top end of each one. He handed one to me. I nearly fell backwards from the weight of the makeshift weapon.

"What the hell is this thing for?" I said while trying to keep it from falling.

"Weren't you paying attention when I called you? We're gonna catch the Red Gyarados I saw on T.V."

"Gyarados?" There were several things wrong with this plan.

"Yeah, Gyarados. Let's go!" He turned to leave Twinleaf Town but I caught him by his collar first.

"Pearl. This is stupid."

"Why?"

"Several reasons. One, Gyarados' are like seven times bigger than us. Two, Gyarados' are mean and nasty. Third, we don't have any pokemon. Fourth, chainsaws on sticks won't do anything to a Gyarados. Fifth, pardon my language but that thing will fucking kill us! And if you just taped these things together then what was the hammering for?"

"Not sure. And we are going to catch the Red Gyarados. And I have one reason that overrides your five. Guess what is." Pearl is a natural optimist and whenever I try to talk him out of something, he always ignores me. --.

"What?"

"Chicken butt. Let's go!" Pearl wheeled around me and dragged me by my scarf towards the town's exit.

"Let me go! I don't want to go!" No matter how much I tried, I couldn't break away from his grasp. In a matter of minutes he dragged me all the way to Lake Verity. It wasn't because he's stronger than me; it was because my scarf was wrapped too tightly around my neck. By the time we got to the lake, I was suffocating. Pearl finally noticed this and let go of the scarf. I tossed the scarf off and gulped down some of the humid air.

"Sorry about that Dia- HEY! YOU GET YOUR BITCH ASSES OUT OF HERE!" An old man and a girl about me and Pearl's age (15) were already at the lake water. They were looking pretty disappointed by something. The old man (who I'm gonna pointy mustache man for now) turned to face Pearl and I.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth young man?" Mustache man asked.

"Huh? Of course I don't make out with my mother!"

"That's not what he meant Pearl..." I said. The girl that was with mustache man kept staring at us. There was something in her eyes that told me she was afraid of me and Pearl. Frankly, I would be too if a cursing maniac and his friend just barged in on you.

"Get away from this lake you sick fetishist! The Red Gyarados is mine, you fat twine ball of a butt pounding, weird mustache having, teenage girl raping, poorly dressed, ASS IN A HAT!" Pearl ranted. I brushed past Pearl to talk with the old man without Pearl screaming in my ear.

"Um, please forgive Pearl. He's an idiot." I told him.

"PENIS SUCKING VAGINA LICKER!" Pearl ranted. He was still mad that these people got here before us.

"Um, have you guys captured the Red Gyarados yet?" I asked.

"No, I'm afraid you boys are mistaken. The Red Gyarados was recently captured by a young boy in Johto. We came here to find a pokemon much rarer then a Red Gyarados but it looks like we've been mistaken as well. But our other plan for this place shouldn't come back to haunt us… Come along Dawn." Mustache man and Dawn walked past Pearl who was still ranting out curse words.

"Episcopalian Jew faced turd!"

"PEARL! They left!" Pearl quieted down and finally realized he was doing something stupid. "Great job douche bag. We came here for no reason."

"Quit complaining. Hey, what's that?" He dropped his chainsaw on a stick to the ground and pointed to a patch of grass behind me. There was a small brown bag nestled among the weeds. Pearl and I opened it to see what was inside. We each pulled out a pokeball from it.

"These must be that guy's pokemon," I said with a frown. Unlike most people, I don't like pokemon.

"Cool! Let's steal them! Come on out!" Pearl released a tiny blue and white penguin pokemon from its ball. As soon as it saw Pearl it hugged his leg. "Aww… isn't that cute Diamond? It likes me already."

"Yeah… I think it likes you too much. Look at what its doing." Pearl lifted his leg to waist level. To his horror, the Piplup was humping his leg.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME!" Pearl screamed as he flailed about, trying to kick Piplup off him. "DIAMOND! HELP ME OUT HERE!"

"Nope. This is way too funny."

"Can we trade? I don't want this one anymore!" He whined while trying to kick the little bird off.

"I don't know Pearl. It looks like you two have a lot in common…"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I picked up the brown satchel and put my pokeball back. Pearl just proved one of the many reasons why I don't like pokemon. Some of them are just too damn horny...

I decided to return the last pokemon to whoever that mustache guy was. But before I could even stand up, the pokemon burst out of the ball on its own and into my hands. This one was a tiny orange monkey with an ass of flame. Even I would have admitted that it was cute until I got a taste of its personality. It greeted me by punching me in the nose.

"OW! You little bastard!" I cried out. I wasn't really expecting that, so I fell on my back out of pain. The Chimchar hopped on to my stomach. It started clapping and laughing at me. Apparently, my pain is its pleasure. Sadistic bastard…

"Hey Diamond?"

"What?" I said massaging my nose.

"Do you think this is what that old guy meant by 'the other plan doesn't come back to haunt us'?" I started piecing two and two together. The mustache guy must have left these two here on purpose. I wouldn't blame him…

"Oh it's gonna come back to haunt him alright. Punch him and hump him too. Come on Pearl." We each left with the new pokemon, one punching me in the chin with every step back to town and the other one humping Pearl so much he couldn't walk straight. That last line came out weird…