A/N: Today is my one year anniversary with this site! Isn't that exciting! I know I'm excited! And, if you checked my profile, you'll know why. You'll also discover why it took me so long to update. But, in case you didn't, I'll give you a run down. Because this was my one year anniversary, I wrote a new chapter for my five on going stories and added a new one to boot! Yay! Fun times!

This chapter deals with those damn wasters and hoarders. Oh yeah, and some God who just can't put the right emphasis on the right syllable . . . to a great degree.

------ Also! I'm dedicating this chapter to my good friend synnesai! She said I should make Vergil be afraid of something totally not scary. And you know what, I think I captured it pretty well!

— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily. I am also aware that the tense changes quite a bit in this, and I'm ok with that.

Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.

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Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)

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After recovering from our hearty chuckle, Vergil and I traveled deeper within the stink hole that is Hell. I decided that I would refrain from asking Vergil where we were headed next. For one, I knew he wouldn't tell me 'cause he's a butt face and never does, and, also, I wanted to unnerve him a bit. He always tells me that I'm so predictable, but we'll see. Hehehe.

However, after walking for about ten minutes in silence, I began to get a little restless. He seemed totally calm, but I guess that's what happens when you grow up with no friends. You learn to adapt.

Unfortunately, I was way cooler and was practically drowning in friends. So, you know, this was new for me. Unless, you know, when I use it to my advantage. I'll give you a little example: I walk into this bar all silent like. But I make sure to get enough light to shine on me so it reflects off my chest. Then, when I get all the women's attentions, I step a little farther into the light. Thus, revealing my face.

As I'm making my way deeper into the club, I turn my head toward the ladies slightly and give a little grin. You know, a bad boy one. Then, I turn my head back to the front, swish my hair around a bit, sit down quickly at a table in the corner, and BAM! Instant babe-age.

But, you know, I'm usually quite a loud person, so this silence was irking me.

Breathing heavily, I succumb to my sanity and ask, "So, Vergil, what's next?"

"Ah, I was wondering when you were going to ask me!" Vergil in a stupidly smug way. "But guess what, little brother?"

"You won't tell me," I finished for him.

"So, you're not as stupid as they all say."

"Oh, shut up, Vergil."

Walking a few more steps in silence, I turn to Vergil and ask, "Who are these "they" people and what are they saying? If it's about that slight adding accident last year at Thanksgiving, I swear my mind numbed!"

"Pssf, whatever Dante. Dad asked you to tell him what 7 + 5 was and you said 20."

"I was confused! He just sprang it on me!"

"You know, most people remember simple addition. But I guess that's why you were in special classes."

"WHAT! Mom said I was too smart to be in regular classes! And it was a freakin' accident! I don't work well under pressure!"

"There was, like, five people looking at you! Sadly, you're just a moron. I, apparently, got all the brains."

"Yeah well, I got all the good looks!"

"We look exactly the same. Identical twins, remember."

"You just say that cause you're jealous."

Apparently, Vergil didn't want to fight with me because he gave up the fight rather quickly. Whatever, I'll take the win. Sure, I knew we both look exactly the same, but still . . . I look better. There's just something about me.

As we continued on our little journey, I began to hear strange moans, groans, and screams emitting from somewhere in the distance. Perking up a bit, I asked, "Ho-hoo! Vergil! What happens in this level! Mass orgies perhaps?"

"I'm sickened that you got so excited by that thought," Vergil commented, "But, no. There are no orgies going on over there."

But Vergil, being the freaking mystery that he is, left it at that. God, I hate when he does that. It's like this one time when we were younger. Vergil and I were sitting outside in the dead of night on our trampoline. The only light that was on was the fading porch light. And Vergil, being the jerk that he is, told me a story about this psycho killer that was on the loose. I didn't believe him . . . until it got so dark I could barely see the white's of his eyes.

And, like, this story went on for a good long while. And then, when he was almost done with it, he said something like, "Didn't the news say he was prowling around in this area?" And then walked inside.

Horrified, I followed closely behind him, scared of the killer. When I got in bed, I felt pretty safe. That is, until I heard a scratching at the window. Pushing my fears of the killer by the wayside, and considering I was too tired to care, I pulled back the blinds to come face to face with a bloody, crazed looking face.

Well, I was so shocked, I fainted and went crashing to the floor. However, I heard Vergil cackle menacingly from somewhere outside. And, before I blacked out, I cursed Vergil's stupid name and felt my heart stop.

Don't worry though, after being in the hospital on the brink of death for three weeks, I recovered. But I'm just joking. It was more like two.

Anyway, as we made our way closer to the sounds, I started to realize that the noises weren't exactly all that blissful sounding, so I'm glad it wasn't an orgy. Or it would have been a very violent one going on. Plus, what do I care about seeing a bunch of dead people doing . . . things with each other. Exactly, I don't.

"Dante," Vergil said turning to me, "Meet the Hoarders and the Wasters!"

"Why are there two groups of sinners here?" I asked, wondering what the Hell was up.

"Well, that's very good observation, Dante. What do you think?" Vergil asked me in a "Hi, little third grader!" type of way. Scoffing at him, I feigned laughter and said, "I don't know, Ass. That's why I asked you!"

Laughing, because he thinks he's won or something, Vergil puts on his smarty pants and begins giving me a run down of the level. "Well, you see, Dante," he begins stupidly, "Both committed crimes that were rather similar. The Hoarders never spent things or gave anything away. They kept everything for themselves. And the Wasters threw possessions and money away without thinking of the consequences. Thus, they are opposites of each other. And, instead of separate levels for equally sinful crimes, Hell has it set up so these two groups can bitch and moan at each other for the rest of eternity."

"Genius!" I said, suddenly excited at the sinners expenses. "But what's so bad about pushing boulders around?"

"Look closely," Vergil said grabbing me in an attempt to settle me down, "A hoarder must push constantly against a waster for the rest of eternity."

"Cool," I said in actual awe. For some reason, I found this level especially evil. I thought it was hilarious how they had to keep smashing together. And then, when they did, they were all freaked out and startled. Come on, you've been doing this forever! Get used to it already.

A strange thought crossed my mind as I watched the people push these weights and boulders back and forth. If, for some reason, Hell exploded up through the earth and declared a mutiny on the human race, these guys would take us out. All they do is push heavy things. It's gotta be a great way to get in shape! And maybe they'd enjoy it . . . if they weren't dead.

Watching still, I felt Vergil shift around me. Wondering what was up, I saw him getting prepared to leave the level. Racing over to him and grabbed his arm, shook it a little, and said, "We're not leaving yet, are we?"

"Why would we stay any longer?" he questioned, "There's nothing else here for us."

"No! Hold on! Let me do something first!"

I ran from Vergil's side and leaped onto one of the many boulders being pushed. The pusher grunted, but didn't demand me to move. All he did was cry.

Leaping off from the stone, I crouched down by the man and asked, "What's wrong, girly man?"

However, that just prompted him to cry more. Deciding he was too pathetic, I jumped on another guy's boulder. He looked relatively new to Hell, so I figured he still have some bite in 'im! Unfortunately, he was more distressed then the other guy, and when I jumped on the boulder, he shrank to the floor, crawled out in the middle of an open area, and then jumped in the way of a boulder.

"Ok, freak," I whispered climbing down off the boulder. I looked over to where Vergil was and saw him talking to a strange man . . . demon . . . disgusting creature. And I considered joining him, but then I thought he would introduce me to him and make me tell him my theory on advanced high level calculus. Something I know absolutely nothing about, mind you.

Turning my back on Vergil, so he wouldn't ask me to join him in his quest to talk to the creepy guy, I gazed over the vastness of the fourth level of Hell. Ah, pleasant. The dull gray, the stale air, the blood curdling screams . . . so serene.

My attention eventually turned to two bumper bouldering gentlemen. One was screaming, "Why do you hoard?" and the other screamed back, "Why do you waste?" It was so freaking funny I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. And then, I got the most brilliant idea.

Jumping silently behind one guy, I followed him around until he ran into another guy. The guy on my side screamed, "Why do you hoard?" and, when the guy on the other side screamed, "Why do you waste?", it was my time to shine. So, in my best pitifully dead voice I coughed, "Because I felt like it, you bastardy hoarder!"

The whole place went into a dead silence. It was so funny, though! And, because it was so funny, I thought I'd do it again. So, this time when I was asked, "Why do you hoard?" I screamed, "Because I like to have nice things you fat, ugly, loser!"

Oh, I haven't had so much fun in a good long while! All the people were confused and insulted and then they began insulting each other. I kinda felt like a God, you know. I got to shape people in any way I wanted and they adapted those qualities.

Laughing manically at the world I had created, I was suddenly struck in the side of the head by a large blow. Finding Vergil had smashed his sword hilt into my skull, I feigned death and laid pathetically on the ground. Vergil didn't think I was very believable, because he kicked me in the side.

"Ow! Vergil what the –" I began but was immediately shushed by him.

"Dante, shut up. We've got a problem."

"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked looking at Vergil. He motioned with his finger to look at the demon like creature behind us. "And?" I pressed further, wanting details.

Sighing an exasperated sigh, Vergil took a deep breath and said, "That is Plutus. He is the monster who guards this level and is, interestingly enough, the God of wealth. But, the thing is, I can't understand him for the life of me."

"Why? What language is he speaking?"

"I don't even know if he is speaking one," Vergil said with another sigh.

"Let me handle this, N00b," I told Vergil as I walked past him.

Coming up to the demon, I realized just how horrifying he was. "Ugh," I said in disgust, "Why don't I ever get to look at any of the fine Goddesses. Just cause you go to Hell doesn't mean you're ugly . . . or, I don't know, maybe it does. You tell me, buddy."

Plutus merely looked at me, opened his mouth, laughed a bit, and said, "Yoh krefdsf oht ekoed."

And then I did a double take. What the Hell did he just say?! And so I asked him, "What the Hell did you just say?!"

"Yoh krefdsf oht ekoed," he repeated again, "Thifodu Uy dfdioe dowtjki ittr."

"Verg-Verg! We got a problem over here!"

"I'm very aware of that, Dante. And don't call me Verg-Verg," Vergil said coming to stand beside me.

"So, what's his problem?" I asked Vergil still staring down at the creepy Plutus.

"Well, in Hell, good things are lost. Obviously this makes sense because this is Hell we're dealing with. However, that also means that the gift of speech is lost as well."

"So how the hell were we communicating with those other dudes before?"

"It's best to just not think about it, Dante."

And as we were trying to figure out a plan, Plutus jumps on Vergil's back and starts screaming something which we obviously couldn't understand. And then, the unthinkable happens. Plutus sticks his bare feet in Vergil's face. And Vergil freaks out.

"Holy Hell!" Vergil screams as he runs in strange patterns trying to pry the God of wealth (and, apparently, creepiness) off his shoulders and save his face from the feet. Oh yeah, did I happen to mention that the thing Vergil fears more than anything (that I'm aware of anyway) are feet? Bare feet.

So, you know, I could help him, but after all those times he laughed at me and told me scary stories and called me stupid . . . well, he's on his own. Hehehehe!

Flopping on the floor, Vergil starts spazzing out like I've never seen. I'm talking, like, foam was bubbling out his throat and his eyes were dilating. It. Was. AWESOME!!! But, you know, it was really time to help. I can't have him dying on me yet. How else would I get out of this Hell hole? HA! There's that awesome joke again. Oh, I slay me.

Stabbing the freaky "God" in the back, I freed Vergil from the evils of his feet. He began to recover immediately and, once he came to, I burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. "Oh my sweet Jesus, Vergil," I began, holding my sides, "That was hilarious! My fear of bees actually has merit to your stupid fear of bare feet, you loser!"

Too winded to get a retort in, Vergil gave me an evil sideways glance and continued to catch his breath. All I could do is laugh and laugh. I mean, for one, I forgot Vergil was afraid of feet! What a stupid fear! And then, I thought about how Plutus went right for Vergil's face with his feet. He either knew the secret too, or he just likes shoving his feet in people's faces.

When Vergil finally caught his breath, he shot me a glare and said, "You know what? If you had the same experience as I had, you'd be afraid of feet too!"

"Oh yeah? Try me," I said trying to hold back my buckets of laughter.

"Remember when dad used to wrestle with us," Vergil started. When I nodded in agreement, he continued. "Well, I remember one day in particular I challenged Dad to the ultimate wrestle off. If I won, I didn't have to chores for the week, but if he won, then he could keep me pinned down with his feet for an hour."

"And you actually thought you could beat dad?"

"Just be quiet and listen. So, I had been training and training to beat him, so I felt I was ready. I swear I almost had him when he pulled out his secret technique. It happened so suddenly, I barely remember ending up on the floor. But, a promise was a promise, and dad kept his foot on my stomach for one whole hour. He took a bit of mercy on me considering he could've used both feet."

"Anyway, I remember looking at his feet. The feet that had taken me down. And the more I looked at it, the weirder it got distorted. And then, a smell starting lingering from the foot. It was so awful, you don't even understand!"

"And you don't understand my story about the bees," I retorted back. "So, I guess we're just scared and will never be cured."

"Ugh, whatever. At least that guy's feet aren't on me."

"Thfodj ,fdjifo dij jfwiqj ncs sajijmio."

Turning around, we both came face to face with mister Plutus. And he didn't look very happy. Anger growing in his features, the demon starting chasing us all around level four. Mentally scared forever, Vergil and I ran in patterns we never thought he'd go, but there he was. Finally, I got a plan.

Jumping to opposite ends, Vergil leaped behind one boulder while I hopped around another. Then, when Plutus went to the center where we just were, Vergil and I charged as hard as we could toward him and, luckily, caught him between them.

Not wasting time to celebrate, Vergil and I went dashing out of the forth level. Leaving my own cultivated society behind was hard, but now they'll build statue of me and pray at it every day with offerings. Too bad I couldn't stay to collect.

After feeling like we had gone long enough, we both collapsed on the ground and tried to catch our breaths. And as we sat there, a deliciously evil idea popped into my mind.

"Hey Vergil? Do you . . . smell something?"

"No, why?" Vergil asked turning toward me only to come face to foot with my feet. Screaming wildly, Vergil scurried backwards and huddled against a lone tree.

Throwing my head back in satisfied laughter, Vergil was visibly shaking at me and screamed, "Dante! You ass!"

--------------------(End of Chapter Six)--------------------

A/N: Wasn't that fun! Yes, yes it was!! Anyway, the only thing that came from experience this time around was the whole 7 + 5 20 thing. But, you must understand, I have a horrifying great-uncle. And when I say horrifying, I mean it. He put the horror in horrifying! Also, he's quite intimidating. So, he just asked me this question, imbedded in a story, and I was caught so off guard I totally forgot every math skill I have. And then I got laughed at. That wasn't much fun. I don't know why he asked me such an idiotic question, anyway!

Oh, yes, and the psychotic killer story came from experience too. There were a few of us though, and I think I'm the only one who believed the story. Anyway, it was really dark and the kid telling it left it off at an awkward point like the one in the story. When we all went inside, I was a little scared by the story. However, my former friend turned to me and said, "It's not a true story. You're just a big baby." Oh, how I hated him right then.

The whole Vergil foot story was completely made up, but I based it (a tiny part of it) off of a friend I used to have. My former friend had this insanely creepy dad. He was always wrestling with his son, and he liked to pin him with his foot. Now, I don't much care for feet, but I took Vergil's hate to a new level. Hmm, imagine being afraid of your own feet. Or maybe he's good with those, I'm not sure.

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!! Reviews are greatly appreciated!!!