Weaknesses
Disclaimer: I don't own the character, show, etc.
Author's Note: The idea for this story just came to me one day as I was contemplating the Season 7 finale. I'm not much of a fan fic writer, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone, so I wrote it. In case it's unclear, the majority is sort of a brief summary of the progression of Grissom's relationship with Sara over the years, so the timeline is continually moving forward, up to the point of Living Doll. Now that I think about it, that explanation may have just made things more confusing. Hopefully you will take the time to read it anyway and it will make sense. Hope you enjoy!
Gil Grissom didn't like weaknesses – didn't like feeling like he could be controlled by anything or anyone.
Weaknesses made one vulnerable; they presented an area that others could use to manipulate you. He much preferred remaining impartial, unbiased, and in control. Weaknesses got in the way of one's objectivity. Especially with the job of a CSI, it was essential to remain emotionally detached, free from any ties that would hold you down or prevent you from clearly interpreting the facts.
It was a sacrifice, he knew; one that many people didn't consider worthwhile. But he could honestly say that he didn't mind. Over the years, he had become comfortable with his way of life. He was familiar with that lifestyle and it didn't bother him like it probably should. He had managed to strike a balance that he was perfectly content with.
Sara Sidle threatened that balance.
She was a dilemma. No one else in his life had ever caused him to reconsider his lifestyle. But she did. That fact alone made him uncertain and uneasy. She could change him and he honestly didn't know what to do about her.
On the one hand, he could see himself becoming completely devoted to her. It was in those moments that he could glimpse the joy that his choices had caused him to miss out on. She caused him to feel differently than ever before and he knew that he would do things for her that he wouldn't do for anyone else. And that frightened him more than he would ever admit. Allowing her into his life would cause him to lose perspective; to lose control.
She would become his weakness.
And it was that understanding that caused him to continually pull away from her. It was a vicious cycle. He would imperceptibly allow himself to open up, to let her in; then he'd suddenly realize what he was doing and would snap away without warning.
Yet whether he liked it or not, she was becoming an essential part of his life with every day they spent together.
The realization that hit him was sudden and completely caught him off guard. But there it was, as clear as any evidence he'd ever analyzed, and he knew that despite all his efforts to fight it, it was too late. He would be empty if she ever went away.
Try as he might to avoid it, Sara Sidle was his weakness.
He supposed it was inevitable – there are some things in life that are just meant to be, so why continue to fight it in vain? And that understanding is what made him decide to finally stop resisting her.
They had proceeded then, slowly and cautiously, but continually moving forward. He found that he didn't need to make any elaborate gestures or overtures; they were both content to simply be together. And in that companionship, he found out just how much she could mean to him. She exceeded any expectations he had held. She became his closest friend, the only one who truly understood him and who he could be completely honest with. He was amazed at how much she provided, how through her simple actions she provided depth and meaning to his life with each passing day. She filled holes that he hadn't even known existed.
Finally, his life felt complete.
And that is why it hurt so much when she was taken from him. His greatest fears had come true. He found himself living the very thing he had tried so hard to protect himself from. Natalie Davis had easily seen through him – she knew exactly what his weakness was. And she used that weakness to her own advantage.
If only he hadn't given in. If he had stuck with his previous way of life, Natalie would have found no weakness to exploit. She would have had to settle for something less effective. And Sara would be safe. But there was no point in dwelling on "if". Choices had been made and what's done was done.
And he couldn't say he regretted it.
He cherished the bond that existed between him and Sara. The happiness he felt just by being in the same room with her was unmatched by anything else. But it did place him in an awful position. His happiness over the last two years had finally come to demand it's price be paid. And it was a greater price than he'd ever imagined it would be. He felt a greater sense of anguish than he'd ever dreamed possible. And it only worsened with every passing minute. Where Sara had brought light into his life, only darkness remained. And she was the only one who could bring that light back. He felt no desire to focus, had no wish to continue going through these tedious steps the job required.
The only reason he held on was because of her.
The hope that she was still alive was the only thread he could cling to in order to help him keep trying. He knew he needed to remain in control of the situation if he had any hope of finding her in time. He couldn't allow himself to be weak. Not now. Not when she needed him so much. There was a panic that was growing inside him, threatening to consume him at any minute. He did all he could to fight against that panic. Instead of giving in to his grief, he turned the emotions around and used them to motivate him.
He worked with a greater intensity than he had believed possible. And with that came clarity. Essential facts stood out to him, understanding came easily, and he readily found the answers he so desperately needed. One thing led smoothly to another until he reached the conclusion. He was able to outsmart Natalie at her own game. What she had originally intended to be something that completely knocked him off balance, leaving him unable to function, had backfired on her, and instead had provided exactly what he needed to come out on top.
She had been mistaken.
Oh, her plan had been brilliant. In theory. Through her actions, she would leave him a broken man. Shattered and more devastated than any other threat could leave a person. She took what he cared most about and placed it in danger. By any means, it should have had the intended effect. But she had miscalculated. She had tried to do to him what he had supposedly done to her, figuring that he would react as she would. But she had never cared for anyone the way he cared for Sara. And thus she mistakenly expected him to react negatively. Her biggest mistake was in leaving Sara's fate in his hands. She had planned for the mere thought of the predicament Sara was in to send him over the edge. She hadn't considered that the depth of his emotions would instead work to his advantage as long as there was even the tiniest bit of hope for him to hold on to. The very things that should have left him hopeless were what fueled him in his cause.
And, as a result, Sara now lay before him. Damaged and hurt, but alive.
Sorrow again filled him as he considered all she had been through and he took in her appearance. She was pale, even in comparison to the light colored hospital gown she wore. The soft skin of her arms and face were covered in scratches which pained him to see. Her brown hair was pulled back away from her face while medical tubes and devices surrounded her. Yet somehow she was still beautiful. She was alive.
It bothered him that all this needless suffering she was going through had come from someone trying to hurt him. He wished he could take it all away, make it better. But even as he thought it, he knew he couldn't. They would simply have to get through this experience together. And they were together again. As far as he was concerned, that was all that mattered now. He certainly wasn't going to let Natalie have the satisfaction of creating lasting suffering for the two of them. No, he wouldn't dwell on the way Sara had been used to punish him, wouldn't let guilt consume him. Instead, he would do everything in his power to help Sara in her recovery.
The silence in the room was filled by the soft beeps and hums of the machines. He shuddered at how close they had been to having Natalie's plans become a reality. If Sara had indeed died, there was no doubt in his mind that he would have fallen apart as Natalie had hoped. All he could do was breathe a sigh of relief that things had turned out differently.
As he watched her, her eyes opened, hesitantly at first, but gradually more determined. She focused on him, her eyes filled with an emotion he couldn't interpret.
"Grissom" she whispered, barely audible, yet he cherished the sound.
"Hey." He whispered back, as tenderly as he could. "I'm here." He assured her, gently caressing her hand.
But her face still held that same, almost desperate, emotion.
"I'm sorry." she whispered.
And he knew she meant it. But he was confused.
"Honey," he said softly, allowing a hint of the confusion he felt into his voice, "what could you possibly have a need to feel sorry about?"
She continued to keep her eyes fixed on him, her face still anxious, and while he could tell it was a huge effort for her, she continued to speak.
"I hurt you." she said simply. "She used me to hurt you."
And suddenly he understood. Somehow, she knew what Natalie's intentions had been. He felt awful that she had that guilt placed upon her.
"No," he assured her with all the conviction he could put into his voice, "She may have wanted that, but it didn't work that way. You motivated me." He leaned down to gently kiss her forehead. As he sat back up, he paused. Sudden realization hit him, as if the light bulb in his head had finally lit up. It made sense now, and he was astounded that he hadn't seen it before. For all those years, he'd had it wrong, he hadn't seen the whole picture. Yes, she was his weakness. But in that same truth, she was also something much more. He reached out to gently touch her cheek as he softly spoke his thoughts aloud to her. "You aren't my weakness, Sara. You're my strength."