Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin: Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters, as much as I wish I did. However, the plot and any humor are all mine.

Authors Note: Well, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Sorry about that everyone. I did write this chapter a while ago, but then soccer started and, well, I got so busy with Real Life that I completely forgot about this story (I know, I have to get my priorities straight.) Please excuse all grammar mistakes, I've attempted to eliminate all of them. I hope you remember what this is about, and, er, enjoy!

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The scowling potions master suddenly appeared in the midst of the dark, depressing Forbidden Forest. 'I hate apparating into this place.' An innocent terrible monster of darkness, who was just strolling along quietly, took one look at Severus' glare and ran quickly in the opposite direction. 'Yeah, that's right you pansy.' He transferred his death glare at a group of trees. 'I'll show this forest who's the dark and depressing one.' The forest, however, was having none of this attitude. A battered old Ford suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and Severus barely managed to dive to the side before he was run over. Unluckily for Sev, he chose to jump into a spot right where a tree was standing. 'Damn,' he thought, rubbing his head. 'Why couldn't I just apparate to Hogsmeade?' Whenever he asked Dumbledore this, the man just muttered something about "apparating close to the castle so we can treat your injuries." Yeah, like a hike through a forest filled with dark creatures and booby traps was really going to help him relax after a meeting with the Dark Lord. Sometimes he thought Dumbledore was completely mad. Then again, Voldemort was certainly bonkers, so it was a fairly even fight.

Severus shook himself. 'I've got to stop this random, pointless inner dialogue.' He checked to make sure his collision with the tree hadn't messed up his hair, then started the trek back to Hogwarts. Severus stopped for a moment to write "SB+Dobby 4eva". Admiring his work, he cackled evilly and kept moving. Things were starting to look up. His classes had been quiet, his hair was clean, he had shocked Lucius for the first time in ten years, and he hadn't been tortured by Voldemort. Then again, he had been ogled the entire day and the recipient of more innuendo than he'd ever encountered in his life, but he decided not to dwell on that.

At the edge of the forest Madam Pomfrey was waiting for him, an official MediWitch ("Never say die") bag in her hand. When she saw the Potions Master coming, she bustled forward and beamed at him.

"Severus!" she crooned. Snape flinched. "Dumbledore asked me to come out and make sure you were all right. What's this terrible bump?" She reached up and touched Severus' head.

"It's nothing," Severus said shortly. He glared at her until she stopped petting his hair.

Madam Pomfrey looked him up and down critically. "Hm...I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to remove all your clothing."

Severus blinked. "Why?"

"Severus, I'm a professional, I know what's best for you," she said patronizingly. Severus just stared blankly at her. "Er, I need check if you've had some curse placed on you that you might not be aware of."

"Please explain the necessity of me stripping naked for you to determine that."

"It's easier to scan the person."

Severus rolled his eyes. "I'm perfectly fine," he snapped, brushing past her.

"Wait!" Madam Pomfrey called after him. "How about if you just take off your shirt?"

Severus growled and kept walking.

Madam Pomfrey cursed to herself as the Potions Master walked away. 'I've lost my chance,' she thought with a sigh. 'Then again...next time he comes into the infirmary with so much as a cold I'm giving him a sponge bath. Yes.' Smiling dreamily, she gathered up her supplies.

His bad mood restored, Severus threw open the door to the Great Hall with a loud bang. Frankly, he didn't care who heard. It was late, and any student (ie Gryffindor) dumb enough to investigate would get detention for the rest of their natural life.

Severus paused as he reached the hallway outside the Great Hall. 'I could either go and report to Dumbledore like he's asked me to, or I could go down to the dungeons and sleep all this off.' He turned toward the dungeons, then paused. 'Last time I "forgot" to report I was assigned to patrol of the school for three weeks running.' Damning Dumbledore and his sneaky ways, Severus turned back and glided to Dumbledore's office.

After a disappointing walk where there were no out of bed students to be found, Severus reached the Headmaster's office and stopped in front of the stone gargoyle.

"You're looking nice today," the gargoyle said slowly, slurring the words.

Severus blinked, astonished. Then he stepped to the side and hit his head against the wall. 'Oh. My. God. Even inanimate objects are hitting on me. I cannot cope.' He stepped away from the wall and took a deep breath. 'Self control, Severus.'

"Fizzing Wizbees," he growled. The gargoyle reluctantly opened and Severus stepped onto the revolving staircase. He drummed his fingers against the railing as the staircase slowly turned. 'Instead of being awe inspiring, this is just slow and annoying. I've told him to install an elevator...' When he reached the top, Severus strode across the waiting room and burst into Dumbeldore's office.

"Headmaster, I have a few things to report."

"Severus, do come in," Dumbledore motioned Severus to a seat, his eyes twinkling.

Severus noticed the man sitting across from Dumbledore. His eyes narrowed.

"I would prefer to speak with you along, Headmaster," Severus said stiffly.

Black snorted. "Sod off, you greasy gi-it?" he said as he twisted around to look at Snape. His jaw dropped.

"What's wrong, Black? Speechless now your only insult is no longer applicable?" Severus said nastily. Sirius continued to stare, mouth open, then slowly looked him up and down in a manner oddly reminiscent of Lucius.

"I know something that would leave you speechless, Severus," Sirius said innocently. Dumbledore coughed and put his hand in front of his mouth to hide his smile.

"Please tell me you were talking about cutting out my tongue," Snape muttered.

Black stood up and stepped uncomfortably close to Severus, looking him in the eye. "Sev, I think it's time we put a childish grudge aside. If we're going to be working together, we have to at least be civil toward each other." He stuck out his hand, a rakish smile on his face. "Truce?"

Severus looked down at the hand with the same loathing he would show if Godric Gryffindor suddenly appeared and asked him to be the father of his new dynasty. "Of course not," he spat. "Do you think you can erase years of mutual hatred with a simple handshake? You're even simpler than I thought, and that is saying quite a lot."

"Severus, I urge you to accept his proposal," Dumbledore said gently.

"Oh, sod off, you interfering old bat," Snape snapped.

Sirius looked crestfallen, but brightened up. "Well, we could do the whole love-hate, lust but not love thing."

Severus blinked. "Black, I would rather kiss Hagrid's latest creature."

Sirius grinned cockily at him. "You'll come around in the end. Ha, ha, no pun intended."

"Headmaster, I need to speak to you alone. Now." 'Before I strangle this idiot,' he added mentally.

Black sniffed. "I can tell when I'm not wanted."

"No, Black, you can't. If you could, you wouldn't have hit on Narcissa in our fourth year."

"Good night, Headmaster," Black said respectfully. He winked and brushed past Severus on his way out.

"I despise that man," Severus said, throwing himself into a chair in front of the desk.

"So I've noticed," Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling. "Still, Severus...Sirius is trying to move on. At least give him a chance."

"With all due respect, Headmaster, the only reason Black wants to "move on" is so he can move onto my trousers."

Dumbledore turned a bit red. "Are you all right?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine."

Dumbledore looked doubtful. "You said that last time after you suffered the Crutacius curse four times in a row."

Severus sighed. "I am feeling perfectly well, Albus. The most unpleasant thing that has happened to me this evening was encountering Black. I am in no danger of suddenly dying from the side effects of any curse, unless you count the possibility of getting hepatitis from Voldemort's unwashed robes."

"I believe you, Severus," Dumbedore said calmly. "What happened tonight?"

Severus recited the important details of the meeting, opting to leave out Voldemort's love letter and everyone hitting on him.

Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully (the beard was quite long, so this took a while). "As always, your information will help The Cause greatly."

Severus winced at the capital letters. 'Oh, no problem. Really. I enjoy this sort of thing.' "I am glad to offer my services."

"You look tired, Severus," Dumbledore said with a smile. "Go to sleep."

"Perhaps I shall. Goodnight, Albus."

Dumbledore looked miffed as Severus stood up and went to the door. "You could sleep here tonight," he offered.

"I think I'll be able to make it to my rooms." Severus left quickly, closing the door behind him.

Dumbledore sighed. 'I had the twister game all ready too...'

Severus tapped his foot impatiently as the staircase slowly brought him down to the hallway. When the staircase reached the ground, Severus burst out of the doorway and strode down the hall towards his dungeons, his cloak flowing impressively behind him as he walked. Suddenly, a dark figure jumped out of the shadows and grabbed him, covering Severus' mouth and dragging him behind a statue.

"Surprise!!" Black said cheerfully. "Ready to snog now?"

Severus fingered his wand (his real one, you perverts). "Black, if you don't let go of me right now..." he said through gritted teeth.

"I know the fun is in the chase," Black purred into Severus' ear, "but I'm getting tired of all this waiting."

Severus' patience snapped. "Expelliarmus!" he said, perhaps a bit too forcibly. Black was thrown against the wall, and he slumped to the ground.

"So you like it rough..." Sirius muttered before he lost consciousness.

'That felt good,' Severus thought gleefully. A thought hit him, and he smirked. 'Just like old times.' He transformed Black's hair to a long, blonde mane, and his black robes into a silky pink dress (complete with matching heels, of course). Another wave of his wand painted Black's face with bright red lipstick and long fake eyelashes. "Pink is definitely your color, Black," Severus muttered sarcastically, regretting that no one was around to witness this. Stepping back, Severus took one last look at Black and then summoned a house elf.

Dobby appeared with a loud pop. "Yes, mister Snape?"

"Dobby," Severus said smoothly, "I was patrolling the hallway and I found Mister Black just lying here. I was wondering if you would do me the favor of taking him to Mister Lupin's home tonight."

"Oh, no, is not Mister Black. Dobby knows Mister Black." Dobby looked closely at the figured and screamed. "Is Mister Black!!"

"Yes, Dobby, is Mister Black. That's what I just said," Severus said impatiently. "Now, will you please take him to Lupin?"

Dobby nodded fearfully. "Yes, Mister Severus."

"Excellent." With a self satisfied smile on his lips, Severus strode down to the dungeons.

He reached the hall outside his quarters with no further trouble. Thanking whatever god might be watching over him, he walked to his door.

"Ow!" he cursed as he tripped over an unseen object. Lightning quick, he reached down and pulled an invisibility cloak off a small, hunched figure.

"Potter," Severus said coldly. Potter blinked owlishly at him and stood up. "Once again, my worst fears about you are confirmed. Out of all the students in the entire school, you are the one who has to own an Invisibility Cloak."

"Dumbledore gave it to me," Harry said defensively.

"Nobody's perfect. Except for me," he added as an afterthought.

"Professor, what are you going to do with me?"

Severus sighed and looked at the cloak in his hands. "The one time I catch you, I'm too tired to care," he muttered. He threw the cloak back at Potter. "If I ever catch you using this again, a year with Argus Filch in a Spanish Inquisition torture chamber will seem like heaven."

Potter swallowed. "You-you aren't going to give me detention? Stand over me triumphantly while I scrub floors on my knees all night?"

"That is the most unappealing erotic suggestion today," Severus said, looking ill. "I would rather be Voldemort's sex slave, Potter."

"I thought you already were," Harry said nastily.

"Don't push your luck, boy. Go before I turn you into something unpleasant. Well, something even more unpleasant."

"See you in class, Sev." Potter winked then threw the cloak over himself and disappeared.

"Stupid children," Severus muttered at he disabled the charms and hexes surrounding his room. Relieved to be in his own quarters, he quickly opened the door and closed it behind him.

"Holy shit!" he yelled. Hermione Granger was draped across his desk, looking at him seductively (well, she was making an attempt). She was only wearing a thin, cotton nightgown.

Severus whipped out his wand, quivering with-

"Enough with the innuendo already."

-rage.

"Thank you. Now, as for you Miss Granger...."

Hermioned batted her eyelashes. "Yes, my sexy potions master?"

"Get out," he said shortly.

"What?" Hermione looked shocked. "Don't you even want to know how I got in?"

"No, my dear child, I already know how. Narrative causality. Get. Out."

Hermione pouted prettily. "Come on Sevvie, you don't really want me to leave, do you? I hoped we could talk about some...extra curricular assignments."

A muscle in Severus' cheek twitched. "If you do not get out of this room RIGHT NOW I am going to expel you so fast the ink on the conciliatory letter to your parents won't even have time to dry."

Hermioned threw herself off the desk and ran through the door, shooting him a frightened look as she ran by. Severus glared at the open doorway and, satisfied she wasn't coming back, stalked over and slammed it as hard as he could. He then walked over to the bedroom door and opened it slowly, peeking inside. To his relief, no one was lying in wait to shag him senseless. He stepped inside and firmly closed the door, using the most complex locking charm he could think of. Severus muttered a spell and the fireplace was instantly lit. The clock chimed two.

"He's back!" Draco Malfoy yelled to the small crowd collected in his dormitory. Like a group of buffalo (except considerably more intelligent and with much better fashion sense), the Slytherins immediately ran over to where Draco was standing in front of a large projection on the gray stone wall.

"Good thing we put that spell in Snape's room, right Draco?" Goyle asked proudly.

"Who knew it would be this useful?" Pansy said with a smirk.

"Shut up!" Draco commanded. "He's about to strip and I want to watch."

The group grew silent, except for the occasional mutter of protest as they jockeyed for better position in front of the projection of Severus' bedroom.

Severus sighed. It had been one of the longest days of his life, and he was ready to go to sleep and never wake up again. A slight pressure on the inside pocket of his robes reminded him of the presence of Voldemort's letter. He reached inside and took it out, throwing it onto the nearby desk, then tossed his wand onto the bed.

"Take it off already!" Blaise Zabini yelled.

His eyelids half closed with lethargy, Severus bent over and pulled off his dragon hide boots.

Someone whistled. "Nice view!"

He pulled off his socks and stuffed them into his boots. Severus straightened up and unclasped his cloak, letting it fall to the floor below him.

"Now this is more like it!" Draco muttered. "Give these people their money's worth."

Severus began unbuttoning his robes. He had to work slowly because he was half asleep.

Draco didn't turn around as Crabbe and Goyle hit the floor with a loud thump. Severus had gotten about halfway down his outer robe, and it parted to reveal a thin, silk, form fitting (black of course) inner robe.

Severus finished the buttons on his outer robes and slowly removed one arm from it's sleeve, then another.

There were two more thumps in the back of the room. Pansy swooned and had to be supported by Blaise next to her.

Severus raised his arms and stretched in a manner reminiscent of a cat, yawning.

Blaise let go of Pansy as the blonde fainted and slumped to the floor.

"Take me now, you beast!" Someone screamed next to Draco.

"Let's hope he's a traditionalist who doesn't wear anything under the robes," Blaise muttered to the person next to her.

"I hope so," her neighbor said fervently. "I'm not sure I can take much more of this."

Severus ever so slowly lifted the robe over his head. A pair of muscled calves came into view, then his thighs...

Thump!

...a pair of loose, black silk boxers...

Draco's mouth fell open. "Gaaah..." he choked out, totally speechless.

A few more Slytherins succumbed to blissful unconsciousness.

...a smooth, muscular stomach, probably from leaning over cauldrons all day...

Draco thanked whatever god had been listening to his prayers.

...firm pectorals and broad shoulders...

Blaise, conditioned from watching the Slytherin Quidditch team in the shower, was overloaded by the onslaught of sexiness and fainted.

...strong, wiry arms with defined biceps...

Severus pulled the robe over his head and tossed it in the corner, blissfully unaware that he had just caused more people to faint than the time Draco Malfoy covered himself in honey and streaked through the Great Hall. He padded over to the bed and grabbed his wand, extinguishing the fireplace. After carefully placing his wand under the pillow, Severus collapsed onto the bed and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

Draco panted as he stared at the black screen. A beat of sweat slid down his face and dripped off his chin. Around him, Slytherins were lying in various states of unconsciousness.

"Finite Incantem," Draco muttered, and the screen disappeared. He looked around, a satisfied smile on his face.

"Now that was a show."