Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respectful owners, and no infringement was intended. I own the dogs, the specifically mentioned Cheap Floozies, the Agents, and the Sexingtons.

It was a normal day at the home of James Sunderland. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, his two small dogs were wrestling their way through the living room, and Laura, his adopted daughter, sat on the couch in her pajamas, watching TV. The head of the household himself was sitting at the counter, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. He glanced up and caught a sight of the clock.

"Laura, you have to get ready for school," he said, folding his paper quickly.

"But I don't wanna go to school, James!" Laura whined.

James rolled his eyes. They'd had this conversation many times. "Why not?" he said, trying to prove his point once more.

"I don't like the other kids. Can I just stay home today?"

He sighed. After he adopted her last year, she'd been home-schooled with a tutor to avoid jumping into a public school right in the middle of the school year. She was truly dreading having to talk with the other kids and learn with them, and not recieve as much attention as she used to. But he had to make her go now, otherwise it would be the same old song and dance for the next nine years until she graduates. Besides, it'll be nice to have an extra hundred dollars each month instead of paying for the tutor. "I already told you, it'll be good for you. You'll meet new friends, learn new things. How bad could it possibly be?"

"But I don't have any friends there, James!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, but--!" The telephone rang. James looked at it in suprise.

"Get that, it's not for me," grumbled Laura, who then turned to watch her cartoons again.

He got up and picked up the reciever, glancing at the caller ID long enough to realize he didn't know the number. "Hello?"

"Hey, hey, hey, James! It's me, Pyramid Head!"

He abruptly hung up.

It rang a few seconds later.

He picked the reciever up again reluctantly. "Hello?"

"Dude, why'd you hang up on me?"

"I didn't hang up on you, the call was dropped," James lied.

"But I'm calling you on a landline."

"So? The call was still dropped."

"Whatever. Hey, listen. I need a place to stay for a while. Can I crash with you?"

"No," he replied abruptly.

"But why not?" whined Pyramid Head.

"Because I don't like you."

"What?" Pyramid Head snorted."Wait, is this because of the thing between me and Mannequin Number One?"

James rolled his eyes. "And the thing between you and Janet, and the thing between you and Roxanne, and the thing between you and Mary--"

"I swear to god I didn't know you were married!" interrupted Pyramid Head.

James wasn't listening. "--And the thing between you and Ellen, and the thing between you and Penny--"

"Wait, you and Penny had a thing?" Pyramid Head interrupted again, but this time James stopped. "Wasn't that a long time ago? Like, when we were really young?"

"And how old are you?"

"I like to tell my women I'm twenty-two and it's all muscle."

James blinked. "Why are we talking about my love life? You can't stay here, and that's all I have to say on the matter! Go--room up with your parents or something!"

"Well, you see, I don't have--"

James hung up without letting him finish the sentence. Laura was looking at him over the arm of the couch. "Who was that?" she asked.

"Nobody important," James said through a fake grin. "Go get dressed!"

"I thought I was staying home sick today," his daughter said with puppy-dog eyes.

"You're not sick, Laura," he replied again, moving over to her and feeling her forehead with the back of his hand just to make sure.

She gave a few puny coughs which were obviously fake. "Yes I am. I think I have black lung disease and...and prostate cancer."

James looked at her with wide, concerned eyes. "Where did you hear that?"

"The TV said it," she said and gestured to the TV, which was playing a commercial for a men's health medication.

"Are they even allowed to show that sort of thing on this channel?" James muttered to himself. He quickly returned to the matter at hand and snatched up the remote to turn off the TV. "Clothes!" he barked. "Now!" Laura marched up to her room, slamming her door hard enough to make him jump a little.

He felt a little guilty about making Laura go to school, but before he could delve too much into the thought, the doorbell rang. He blinked a few times before answering it.

"Hey, hey, hey, James!"

It was James's turn to slam the door.

"Come on, James!" Pyramid Head shouted, peering as well as he could through the tiny window at the side of the door. "It's humid out here!"

"I already told you: You can't stay here! Go away!"

"This is where the bus dropped me off! I swear I had nothing to do with it!"

"Last time I checked, your helmet didn't agree with public transportation codes!" James shouted.

"Okay, so maybe I tipped the driver a few extra dollars, but he did kick me off in the end!" He pounded on the window a few times. "Come on, James! Let me in!" He turned and looked at something off the edge of the stoop. "Oh, god, James!" he screamed. "The little people! They're attacking me!" He fell back against the screen door and slid down, screaming. "It's just like Gulliver's Travels! They're gonna eat my eyeteeth, James! Save me! Oh, cursed hellfire! Oh, green trees! Oh, Toyota! AHH!"

James blinked again. What if he really was being attacked by little people from Gulliver's Travels? What if he died on his stoop and did nothing to try and save him? He would feel guilty, wouldn't he? Some sort of legal action would be taken against him, wouldn't it? These feelings of fear of the judicial system and that damn hero gene in his bones took over without his consent, and he opened both doors quickly.

Pyramid Head stood up, dusted himself off, and waltzed in the door. "Gee, thanks, buddy," he said as if nothing had happened.

Not wanting to argue anymore, the failed hero moved out of the way and shut the door behind them. "And I thought I was the crazy one," he muttered.

A door opened upstairs and Laura trudged down the stairs, lugging her backpack. When she saw Pyramid Head, however, her face lit up and she nearly knocked him over with the force of her hug. "Pyramid Head!" she squealed.

"Hey, Laura. What's up?" he said, taking on the role of a family member.

"I have to go to school today," she pouted, looking up at him.

"Aww, I can think of worse things. It's not so bad."

"Yes it is! I don't get to hang out with you!" she said.

"Well, you can hang out with me after school."

Laura's face lit up. "You won't leave before I get home?"

"I don't think so since I'm living here now," he said.

Her face, against the laws of physics, lit up even more. "Really?!"

"No he's not," said James in monotone. "He's leaving right now."

"Oh, come on, James," Pyramid Head said, turning to him. "You can't leave me out on the street. We're like brothers!"

"Yeah," scoffed James, "if you count being a backstabber as a brother."

"Can he stay, James?" Laura pleaded, getting on her knees and folding her hands. "Pleeeeeeeeeeease?" Pyramid Head copied her pose, and would have copied her puppy-dog eyes as well if his face wasn't covered.

James sighed and thought about it for a moment. He'd given her enough heartache already this morning. Besides, maybe Pyramid Head was different now. College was a long time ago, so maybe he'd grown up a little since then. "Fine," he said finally. "But," he interjected to keep them both from tackling him in joy, "he gets a job. Understand?"

"Thank you!" shouted Pyramid Head. He leapt to his feet and squeezed James as hard as he could, Laura following suit.

A horn beeped twice from outside. "That's the bus!" wheezed James. Pyramid Head let him go when Laura did, the little girl picking up her backpack and dashing outside, all fear of school forgotten. "Go!" he shouted after her. "Have a wonderful day! Make good decisions!" She stepped onto the bus without looking back and the giant yellow vehicle trundled off along the road.

James shut the door again and was met with a heavy arm landing across his shoulders. "James, my boy," said Pyramid Head, "this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

James rolled his eyes and slouched.