Title: I couldn't be perfect
Author: AngelicTorture
Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one you recognise
Rating: PG 13
Notes: Just a short one shot that was written to get rid of a plot bunnie. It's written in first person p.o.v. something I don't do very often.
Summery: It was too late for her to try and be perfect.
I stand silently and watch you pace the floor of your bedroom. Your head hangs down as tears streak down your face. I can see your hands shake as you still hold the letter in your hands.
That letter. It feels like forever since I wrote it but really it was only a few days ago. I still remember my hands shaking as I scribbled the words. I could hardly see what I was writing because of the tears in my eyes. All I knew was I had to do it. It was the only way.
I watch you sigh and sit down on the bed. Even when you cry you still look so handsome. I wonder if I'm the only person who's ever seen you cry like this. I move to stand next to the bed, knowing you won't notice.
You look up to the ceiling and run a hand over your face, wiping away your tears only for them to be replaced by more a second later.
I feel so sorry for you, for breaking your heart like this, for hurting you the way I did but I had to do it. I knew everything was wrong but I just couldn't fix it. This was the only thing I could do. I wish I could make you see that.
You stand up again and look at yourself in the mirror. It tears my heart in two that you haven't smiled in days. But then even before all this your smile had been gone…I drove it away. I wish I could've been as perfect for you as you wanted me to be. I wish I could've been what you wanted.
I watch you walk to the door. I call out to you and for a second I almost think you hear me when you stop and half look round. But I know you can't hear me. You won't hear me ever again. You open the door and walk downstairs where everyone's waiting for you. All our friends…all of them look almost as sad and broken as you.
I walk to the top of the stairs and stop, looking down at everyone. All those sad faces. Did I do this to them? Did I bring them all this much pain? I quickly shake those thoughts from my mind…it's too late to turn back, too late to think about anyone else. I did what I had to for me. I wasn't happy…and he wasn't happy. I loved him too much to see him sad…I still love him too much to see that.
I make my way downstairs as everyone starts to walk outside. I can't take my eyes of you of course…but then I never could. I see two blondes walking at either side of you and I smile a little, glad that you've got them to take care of you just like I knew they would.
You get in a car and of course I follow. Not that I even needed to anymore but I do anyway. I'm sitting so close to you I wonder again if you know I'm there…somewhere deep down in you heart do you know I'm next to you? If you do you don't show any sign to anyone around us. Are you worried everyone might think you're mad if you say anything? You always did worry too much about what everyone else thinks of you.
That thought reminded me of that night, our last argument. I could have pretended what I did was just down to that argument and what you said but it wasn't. This had been coming for a long time. As I look at you I hope and wish that you know that. I don't want you to blame yourself for what I did. Yes you were part of the reason…but only part of it.
The car stops and you get out with me not far behind. It's raining now. I look at your face as the rain washes over it, hiding the tears that I know you're still crying. I follow you to where everyone is once again waiting for you but this time I keep my distance a little.
I stand in the rain listening to everyone say their few words. Then I watch when it's your turn. I hear your voice crack as you struggle to find the words to say. Then my jaw drops as you take something from your pocket which I recognise to be the letter. My letter.
You unfold the letter and start to speak the words I'd written.
My dearest love
I want to tell you I'm sorry. Sorry for anything I've ever done wrong. Sorry that I can be perfect enough for you. Sorry that I can't be everything you want. I never thought anyone like you could ever fall in love with me. You made me so happy…happier than I ever had been in my life.
But happiness never lasts. Nothing does.
And eventually all that happiness I felt was gone. And I knew all I was doing was hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.
You are my love, life, heart and soul. Nothing could or would ever change that. But I couldn't go on being sad. I had to be free.
This wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. I'm happy now.
I love you Randy with ever beat that my heart has left. Always remember that.
I'm sorry.
Amy.
I watch the never ending stream of tears run down your face as Trish and Torrie run to your side again. I walk closer to you and look into your lightening blue eyes for the last time. I whisper as close to you as I can.
"I love you Randy…never forget that."
I see the expression on your face change a little, like you almost heard me. I wish I could kiss you one more time but all I can do is walk away. I see everyone gather around you, almost holding you up as your tears get the better of you. I wish I hadn't brought you this pain but I know you're strong…one day you'll forget me.