Summary: Alex's world is falling apart and she feels like she has nobody to turn to. Will Olivia be there for her and help her through it? Alex Olivia friendship.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Conviction or SVU.
A/N: Originally this was going to be a Conviction story, but along the way it turned into more of an SVU story. I wanted try and make it only SVU, but I really liked what I had written, so I kept it. So let's just say it's an SVU story where some Conviction characters make an appearance. The first two chapters are Conviction-character centered, but that's it. This is Alex post-WP, near the beginning of Conviction. For the purposes of this story, Alex's mother died about two months before the episode "Ghost." Enjoy!
A/N2: The title may change, I'm not sure if I like it for this story yet.
It had been a rough week for everybody and Alexandra Cabot let everyone leave the office early. She could tell they were angry with themselves and frustrated at the world. What they needed was the weekend off, when they didn't have to think about work and could hopefully just relax and unwind. Besides, she had things she needed to do on her own. Her week hadn't been spectacular, either.
The young ADAs were hanging out outside their offices, ready to head off to a bar to forget about their week. It was their typical Friday ritual. Every week they'd dare each other to ask Alex to join them, but nobody would ever take the dare. They all knew she had been in Witness Protection, but anything else was a mystery. They wanted to get to know her, but at the same time it was fun to pretend they knew her background, or to makeup wildly romantic or implausible stories. So they'd head home to change then meet up at a particular restaurant and at some point the conversation would turn to Alex, and inevitably a new theory would be discussed.
But this week was different. They were all burned out and dejected for one reason or another. They could tell their boss was having a rough week too, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. It seemed wrong to not invite her; maybe that's what she needed.
Christina was the one elected to extend the invitation. "Why me?"
"Just go ask," Jim said, turning Christina around and pushing her towards Alex's office.
She rolled her eyes and waved off her co-workers, heading for her boss' door. She knocked and heard a very quiet "come in."
Alex was stacking papers into neat piles and shoving others into her briefcase. "Can I help you with anything?" she asked, her tone still professional.
"No, not exactly…"
Her voice softened a bit. "What is it, then?"
Christina sat in one of the chairs, trying to appear as casual as possible. "The gang and I, we go out for dinner and drinks every Friday. We were wondering if you'd like to joins us. It seems we've all had a pretty crappy week, and we thought you might want to go out and relax a bit." She couldn't look at Alex when she asked, but when she didn't get a reply right away, she looked up.
Alex had stopped rifling through her papers and was rubbing the side of her face with one hand. She looked so tired and defeated, Christina thought she was going to either fall asleep on her feet or start crying. If she started crying, Christina didn't know what to do. Thankfully, neither happened. Instead she sighed heavily. "Thank you for the offer, Christina. But I have, um, other plans. I have to get some stuff done."
"Surely it can wait until after dinner? Or until tomorrow? We'd really like for you to join us. We're so curious about you; it would be nice to quash some rumors." Crap, I probably just said more than I was supposed to, she thought, mentally smacking herself in the head.
Alex chuckled. "Well maybe I can do that next week. What I need to do needs to be done before it gets dark. But thank you, Christina. It means a lot that you asked me."
"You're welcome." She stood awkwardly, not sure if she should just leave or walk out with her boss. Luckily Alex made that decision for her.
"Well I'm ready to get out of here, what about you?" She wrapped her white coat around herself and headed for the door. They didn't talk on the walk to the elevator, or on the ride down to the main lobby. Alex seemed so lost in thought that Christina didn't think she should say anything.
It must have been when the doors slid open that Christina made the decision to follow Alex. Partly because she felt like she failed her mission and had to find out something – where their boss lived, if she got Starbucks after work – anything. But a larger part of her was just plain curious. So she followed her. She kept a good distance behind. It would be hard to lose Alex in the crowd – she was tall, thin, and where nearly everybody else wore a black coat, she wore a white one. Christina, on the other hand, just blended into the crowd.
She called Jessica on her cell phone. "Jess, you'll never believe what I'm doing."
"What? I only have a minute, I'm about to go check on my mom before dinner."
"Don't worry, I won't keep you. Well, first, Cabot isn't coming. She has 'something to do.' So I'm following her."
"You're what?"
"Yeah, I'm following her." After a short silence, she added, "Please tell me that's not too strange."
"It's not strange at all…stalker."
"Hey! I'm not stalking her, I'm just trying to find out some info about her to give you guys tonight."
"Whatever you say, Christina. Knock yourself out. See you in a bit." And with that, Jessica hung up. Was it strange to be following her boss? Christina shook her head and kept her focus on the pale blonde head several feet in front of her.
When Alex stepped up to a flower sales man on a corner, Christina had to duck into an electronics shop. She watched through the window as Alex bought a small bouquet of Gerbera daisies and headed on her way. So she likes to keep fresh flowers in her apartment, Christina thought absently. Several blocks later Alex crossed the street, walking along a semi-high stone wall. She stopped at a wrought iron gate in the middle of the wall. Once she had gone inside, Christina crossed and went in after her. Once inside, she was shocked to find out it was a cemetery. A small, rational voice in her head told her this was a private matter and she shouldn't be sticking her nose where it didn't belong, but she ignored it. She had already come this far. She wouldn't let her boss know she was here, she'd hide in the shadows behind a tree and wait for her to leave, and then go see what headstone she had visited. Then she'd report back to the group.
She scanned the area and saw Alex disappearing over a small hill. She followed in the same path and when she was over the hill, she saw Alex sitting on a stone bench just a few feet away. Christina came to an abrupt stop and looked around for cover. She stepped into the shade of a tree, her heart pounding. She stood behind the trunk for a few minutes, holding her breath.
"You can come out, Christina." Alex said without moving.
Christina tentatively moved out from behind the tree and stood a few respectful feet away from the bench. "I'm sorry, I didn't know where you were going, I just wanted to have something to bring to dinner tonight and I thought I might…" she trailed off. "I really don't have an excuse. I was being nosy, and I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she answered quietly, her eyes forward. She moved over and made room for Christina to sit down.
"How did you know I was following you?"
"You don't do the best job of blending in," Alex said with a small smile.
And to think I did. I guess that's why I'm an attorney and not a detective. Christina dropped her bag to the ground and tried to think of something to say that would break the uncomfortable silence. "So, who are you here to, uh, visit?" She could feel Alex stiffen at the question. "I won't tell the others, I promise."
Alex shook her head slightly. "You can tell them, I don't care. It isn't a big secret, it's just hard for me to say." She exhaled deeply and tried to smile at Christina, but her eyes were quickly filling with tears. Embarrassed, she looked away and concentrated on getting her emotions back in check.
Christina was rooted to her seat. Talk about awkward. What was she supposed to do? All she wanted to know was her boss' coffee preference, and instead she was sitting with her in a cemetery. Suddenly she felt a surge of pity for the woman. For the first time, she actually looked at Alex, and realized she was only about five years older than herself. She had probably gone through more trauma at her age than many people experience in their life. She had been uprooted from her life and lived as someone else – in Witness Protection – for nearly three years. It didn't seem that any of her old friends had come by to see her, at least not yet. She must be pretty lonely. Christina felt bad about all the gossiping she and her colleagues had done at Alex's expense.
"It's my mother." She nodded to a grave marker just across the path, with the daisies laid on top. "She died a year ago today."
"Oh Alex, I'm so sorry," Christina said.
"I was still in Witness Protection at the time, so they wouldn't allow me to go to the funeral," her voice cracked. "They said they didn't want to risk my safety by coming home. I could hold my own memorial service back in Wisconsin. Alone."
For a few minutes Alex was quiet again, and Christina thought she was done divulging information. So she was a bit surprised to feel the body next to her start to quiver. Alex was unsuccessfully trying to hold back sobs. At that moment their relationship changed from boss and employer to friends. Somehow the awkwardness of the situation disappeared. Christina placed a hand on Alex's shoulder, a silent gesture to show her support. And that was all it took for her steely resolve to disappear. Tears rolled silently down her cheeks but she didn't bother to wipe them away; they just fell into her lap.
"It's my fault," she said so softly Christina nearly missed it.
"What?"
"It's my fault. If I hadn't gone into Witness Protection, if I had at least let her known I was alive…"
"But you couldn't do that, you didn't have any other choice."
"But I did, Christina. I forced them to let me see my friends once before I left. I couldn't let them think I had died, I just couldn't. But I was selfish and I didn't even think about seeing my mom, or to even send her a note. I just left and she thought I had died."
"Everyone did. And your detective friends were probably better at keeping it a secret." Christina was confused. She still didn't see how it could be Alex's fault. She waited for an explanation.
"My mom found out she had cancer a few months after I 'died.' She refused treatment because she felt like she didn't have anyone to live for. My dad left us when I was little and I was an only child. If she had known I was really alive, she'd still be alive. She would have gotten treatment because she knew someday I'd be back. So, it is my fault." Alex was never one for self-pity, but these thoughts had been in the back of her mind, nagging at her since she first found out her mom had passed away. That, coupled with the fact this was the first time to visit her mom's grave, was enough to feel sorry for herself. After a year of holding it in, she finally let down her guard.
This was much more than what Christina had bargained for. Or at least, nothing like she expected. She realized that maybe Alex just needed a friend. Not everyone could be so steadfastly strong all the time. So she snaked her arm around Alex's waist and placed her other hand on her arm.
Alex was a quiet crier. The only sounds she made were soft, strained sobs. She didn't lean into Christina's embrace, but she didn't reject it, either. She just ducked her head, letting her hair fall around her face like a curtain. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd been comforted. She had never allowed herself to be upset in front of people. But she appreciated it. There was something about Christina – her honesty, her sincerity – that made Alex feel comfortable opening up.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping her eyes.
"What for?"
"I'm being unprofessional."
"Stop it. A friend is always willing to listen."
It was a simple comment, but it was the first time since she returned someone took the step to be her friend. Sure, she had several acquaintances, but nobody she could call a friend.
"I just had to tell someone. I couldn't keep it inside any longer."
"It isn't easy to go through things alone, is it?" Christina asked.
Alex shook her head. "I've always done it that way. I'm just too stubborn and independent to ask for help."
"Well, if you want to keep a clean record, you never actually asked for my help today."
Alex gave her a small smile. "Thanks." They sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes. "Hey, do you want to maybe get dinner? I can buy you a drink."
"Uh sure. You don't have to buy me a drink, though. Coffee would work."
"As a thank you."
"I don't know what you're thanking me for."
"For…for listening."
"Okay." Christina didn't feel like she had much of a choice. Sure, she wanted to get to know her boss a little better, but right now it just seemed awkward. But Alex seemed almost desperate for company. "So, where to?"
"How about Mexican?"
"Alex, you should know not to eat at any Mexican food restaurant north of Dallas."
"Okay, okay. Italian?"
"Sounds good to me."
"Okay, just give me a minute."
Christina nodded and went to stand by the tree. Alex crossed the path and knelt down in front of her mother's headstone. She kissed her fingertips and then pressed them against the cold stone. Then she stood, walked over to Christina, and together they left the cemetery.
A/N: Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think - comments and critiques are welcome and greatly appreciated!