I am most wholeheartedly glad I do not own Star Trek, Dr. Who, or Star Wars. Although it might be nice to be a millionare...

And don't get me wrong. I do enjoy Dr. Who. It's just really fun to make fun of. As for Star Trek, well...

Chapter One: To Go Where Real Estate Agents Have Gone Before

Captain's log, star date 0054: All seems clear. We've had several routine missions, and even one unroutine mission, and yet so far we haven't been attacked by any sort of weird higher life form whatsoever. I mean, really, what's up with that? We're supposed to be attacked every Saturday, or at the very least get involved in some back-stabbing political intrigue on a barbarian planet. I really ought to lodge a complaint. Ah well. In the meantime, the crew seems happy with going where many have gone before, and indeed where many live, and even where insurance companies and real estate agents have gone before, which is pretty damn depressing, I think. Well we shall just have to wait and see how things turn out...

Captain Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise Z (they do go through those poor ships pretty fast, don't they?) stared morosely out the view port. No excitement these days. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd narrowly escaped an explosion. Super intelligent malignant aliens were clearly a thing of the past. Why, even the Borg had been pretty quiet lately.

Suddenly a button flashed and a voice said over the intercom, "Captain? We've got a situation down in the cargo bay, sir. It appears we have a stowaway. Request your presence immediately, sir."

"I'm on my way," Captain Picard replied. Finally, some bloody action! he thought as he teleported down to the cargo bay.

As soon as he had finished materializing, Picard quickly took in the situation with perfect professionalism. There was a large blue box in the middle of the cargo bay. Perhaps that wasn't so strange. It might be cargo. He didn't know what cargo was supposed to look like, after all.

There were also three people being restrained by several members of the crew and Data was supervising. The three people did look rather unusual, but in a universe where a new and even weirder species was being discovered every week, this wasn't that odd. At least they all appeared to be human. The leader seemed to be a tall young man with blond hair. He was wearing a long cream-colored coat and pinstripe pants, and he seemed to be extraordinarily relaxed and casual considering he was being handcuffed by a security officer. His companions were not quite so carefree. There was a curly-haired female wrestling for control of her abnormally large gun, another female with an aristocratic appearance who seemed to be alternating between haughtily demanding release and sobbing uncontrollably, and a third, a teenage boy, wearing gray clothes and a beige vest, with a gold star pinned to his breast pocket, who nervously looked to the blond man for guidance. They didn't seem much of a threat.

"Commander Data, report," Captain Picard commanded.

"Yes, sir," Data replied obediently. "We apprehended these stowaways attempting to hack into the ship's computer system." He glared in a rather human way at the blond man, who pasted an innocent look on his face and started whistling. "They were using this," he said, producing a small metal instrument. "I've never seen the like before, sir."

"Continue," Picard ordered.

"They were hiding in that box, sir," Data said, pointing to the blue object.

"Is it part of the cargo?" Picard asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Data asked in a most unrobotlike way. "Beats me why we even have a bloody cargo hold. It's not like we actually store anything in it. We're not exactly a merchant vessel."

"Ah, excuse me," the blond man interrupted. To Picard's surprise, he had an English accent. "That planet we're hovering above is about to blow up unless we help, so if we could please stop arguing and get on with it?..."

"Doctor, get these... these peasants off me!" the aristocratic woman cried.

"Doctor, make them give me my gun back!" the curly-haired woman whined.

"Doctor, get them to shut up!" the nervous teenage boy sulked.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor," the blond man said, shaking Picard's hand. "And who might I have the honor of addressing?"

"Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the U.S.S. Enterprise," Picard said. "Now sir, I'm afraid stowing away is a criminal offense-"

"Blast that!" the teenager said angrily. "Two billion people will die if we don't help them! Now are you going to help us or not?"

Captain Picard smiled sadly, unaware that it closely resembled a smirk. "I'm afraid we can't," he said. "We have a Prime Directive, which says we mustn't interfere in inter-planetary disputes. Sorry."

"But people will die!" the Doctor said in disbelief.

"Not my problem," said Picard. "Take them away."

Half a dozen security wo/men grabbed the three and started to take them away. But suddenly, there was a sound like a dying garbage truck, and right in front of their eyes, another blue box teleported into the hold!

A door on the side of the box opened, and out stepped a man with short black hair wearing a black vest. Behind him came a young woman with long blond hair.

The Doctor appeared horrified. "Oh no!" he cried. "You're- I'm- we're breaking the First Law of the Time Lords! Never appear to your past regeneration!"

" 'Ere, 'ow did you know it was me?" the black-vested man said in an even stronger English accent.

"Who else would be daft enough to go in the TARDIS?" the Doctor said, exasperated. "Now tell me what you're doing here."

"Well, you needed help," he replied. "An' also to tell you, when you get to be me, to ask young Rose 'ere to come with you- me- once you've finished wot you're doing." He smiled around at everyone, a sort of manic grin. "Hello, I'm the Doctor and this 'ere's my friend Rose," he said. "Who are you?"

"Wait, what?" Picard asked, seriously confused. Even his sterling intellect could not keep up with the rapid dialogue. "You're BOTH 'the Doctor'?"

"At different points in time, yes," said the manic one. "Your primitive little head wouldn't understand it. So, who are you? Captain Picard, am I right?"

"Do I know you, sir?" Picard asked stiffly.

"Nope, but you will soon!" he replied, laughing.

"Captain!" Commander Riker rushed into the hold. "There's a hostile ship approaching!"

"I must go to the bridge immediately!" Picard said, then he, Riker, and Data all teleported back to the bridge. The Doctor, the Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan, Rose, Adric, and the security team were left to mill about aimlessly. The blond Doctor took control of the situation by grabbing a security woman and demanding to know where this 'bridge' was. The unfortunate lady stammered out directions and the whole group ran off.

Upon arriving at the bridge, the blond Doctor was mildly surprised to see it did not look much like a bridge at all. Instead there were rows upon rows of mostly unnecessary lights and buttons, many of which seemed to serve no useful purpose. In the front of the room was a large view screen, and Picard was gazing out of it now. Approaching the Enterprise was a menacing vessel.

The blond Doctor tapped Picard on the shoulder. "I say," he asked, "how do you know it's a hostile ship?"

Picard looked annoyed at having been bothered. "Because of the menacing music, you moron!"

"Oh. I should have thought of that."

The enemy ship approached, looking more hostile and menacing with every second.

"You're being hailed, sir," a technician reported.

"Open hailing frequencies," the captain commanded.

There was a flicker, and then a bad-quality picture appeared on the view screen. It was a man (at least Picard supposed it was a man) wearing a black Nazi helmet. He spoke, and it sounded like an asthmatic attempting to sound menacing. "Good evening, Captain," he rasped.

"Whoever you are," Captain Picard said bravely, "let me inform you that we are on a mission of peace, in the name of the Galactic Republic-"

"The Republic?! To speak of it is treachery! There is only the Galactic Empire!" screeched the helmeted figure. He gasped for breath, wheezing.

"I assure you, I did not mean to offend-"

"The Emperor does not share your optimistic view of the situation, Captain," he said. "Rebellion is punishable by death." The picture flicked off.

"Well, that didn't sound very good," the blond Doctor remarked. The forgotten planet below them exploded in a fireball.

"I agree," the black-vested Doctor said, ignoring it.

"Who the hell are you?" Commander Riker politely enquired.

"The Doctor," the two voiced in unison, while their companions rolled their eyes.

The enemy ship appeared to be retreating. "Who were those people?" Picard asked.

Data's fingers flew over the keys. "Uncertain, sir," he said. Picard was glad to see that he appeared to be back to normal.

Suddenly a large gray globe appeared in the view screen. "Small moon approaching, sir," a technician said.

"That's not a moon," the black-vested Doctor said darkly. "It's a battle station."

There was a sound like a dying garbage truck, a shimmering of lights, a materializing of a blue box, and a voice said, "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Would you like a jelly baby?"

So what do you think? Should I write more chapters? Or is this brief foray into the Who-verse doomed for failure? Please review!