Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: My boyfriends at work so I was able to score some computer time, this little drabble came to life when I read another fic where Harry is accused of being the Heir of Slytherin and does nothing about it. It's extremely rough, I'm working with limited time here, but I'll probably clean it up for use in ANN. For those of you worried about how promiscuous Hikaru sounds, keep in mind that he's a twelve year old boy, who's most likely going through puberty. (And darnit, I've kept him innocent for how many chapters of ANN? Can you honestly blame me?)

"You know what?" Hikaru said quite suddenly in the middle of dinner that night.

"What?" Draco asked. "Finally going to do something about all these idiots glaring at you?"

He smirked. "You know me so well Draco-chan!" He chirped before bringing his legs under him so he was crouched on the bench before springing up on the tabletop. "Listen up peons!" He shouted, much to the shock of those in the hall.

"It has come to my attention that there are those of you that see me as the Heir of Slytherin-"

"No really?" Ron muttered sarcastically.

"As such I demand my full rights as Heir!"

Dumbledore twinkled at him from the Head Table. "Which rights Mr. Potter?"

Hikaru struck a thoughtful pose. "If I were truly the Heir, I would be entitled to one fourth of the school, would I not?"

The Headmaster nodded solemnly, playing along with him. "That is true."

"Then I demand that everything to the west of the library to the Transfigurations classroom and above be declared my territory," he said dramatically with a flourish of his hand. "And as my territory I declare a toll to be set up with the proceeds going to the Save the Charmander fund,-"

"He does realize that that's not a real creature right?" Blaise asked thoughtfully.

"Who cares?" Pansy asked. "Now shush, this is the most interesting thing that's happened this week."

"as well as rent from all students residing within-"

"That includes the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor dorms," Oliver Wood shouted from the Gryffindor table.

"Only fourth year and up," Hikaru leered at the boy playfully. "I like 'em well developed, thanks ever so much."

"I'm telling Kakashi," Pansy muttered.

"Hey!" He said with mock indignation. "I never said I wouldn't share. But I digress. Since I am the Heir of Slytherin, I demand that all former and current Slytherins bow when I enter a room-"

"What!" Snape screeched. "This has gone far enough. Tell him Albus."

"Tell him what?" The Headmaster asked as he popped a lemon drop in his mouth. "If he truly is the heir then he is fully entitled to all that and more."

"Further more, I demand a harem full of handsome boys to pleasure me-"

"Albus really, you can't allow all this!" McGonagall hissed.

"True, the harem part is a bit extreme. Kakashi would kill them all."

"Attendance at the auditions is compulsory for those in fourth year and higher, those with girly bits, need not apply," Harry added as finally sat down.

"Those with girly bits need not apply?" Draco asked. "You realize you've just broken every girls heart with that little comment."

Hikaru smirked. "Can you blame me for preferring a nice hard-"

"Harry!"

"Body," he squeaked quickly to save himself from Blaise's wrath. "Rather than soft squishy-"

"Potter!" Pansy snarled.

"Shutting up now."

"Aren't you a little young for all that?" Draco asked suddenly.

"So I'm precocious," he said with a shrug. "It's not like I said what kind of pleasuring they'll have to do. I'll probably set up a pick up Quidditch match for us to watch."

"How exactly is that pleasurable?" Ron asked.

Hikaru sniffed. "Obviously you've never seen the male Gryffindor Quidditch team shirtless. If that's not pleasurable, I don't know what is."

"Still sounds a bit extreme."

"Wouldn't have happened if they hadn't accused me of being an insane psychotic killer."