1AN: Here is the conclusion to the ...first part? Next one will be more funny. I promise. I swears. Really. On the precious.
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Mohinder: Cockroaches are amazing creatures. They have-
Jack: My name is Jack Bauer and this is the longest day of my life.
Mohinder: Heeeeyyyy. I get to do the boring intro!!!!
Jack: But you were talking about cockroaches, fangirls don't want to hear about cockroaches.
Mohinder: Uh-huh!!! And anyway cockroaches represent Heroes. All you're doing is talking about how difficult your life is. Oh how sad, poor Jack Bauer.
Jack: (mumbling) Stupid terrorist. Taxi-driving bin Laden...
Mohinder: I am from INDIA! I'm not a terrorist!
Jack: Sure, Mohammed. I think I know what a terrorist looks like after all this time. Sorta scrawny, bad facial hair, and female.
Hana: We interrupt this bickering to get on with the...other bickering.
(After much debate, threatening, dealing, pleading, shooting, killing, bribing, blackmailing, and karaoke, the Heroes have finally decided to save Peter from the evil Jack Bauer.)
Mr. Bennet: Anyone have a plan?
Claire: You said you ALWAYS have a plan! DAAAAADDDYYYY!!!!
Mr. Bennet: And you see how well that always turns out. (Reminisces for a moment of being shot, getting thrown into buildings...having his house burn down...getting fired...bosses trying to kill him...)
All: True. Your plans SUCK.
Mohinder: Especially the one where you wanted to kill a little gurl! (Huggles Molly)
Claire: Was that girl with a u?
Mohinder: ...yes.
Claire: OMG! Awesome!
Sylar: You know, all of your stupid little plans will fail.
Mr. Bennet: Oh, I know. But-
Sylar: No, I meant none of any of your plans will work.
(They all try and sort out that mess of English)
Sylar: You can't just walk into 24. The gates are guarded by more than just orcs.
Niki: Orcs?
Sylar: Orcs. The very air you breathe is a-
Boromir: Come up with your own creepy pessimistic speech. (Steals the speech and runs away)
Sylar: (mutters) Eat his brain if he had one...stupid long-haired hippie...I hate people...why is my mom such a-
Nathan: Can we focus here?
Isaac: Hey, I voted against this whole thing.
Simone: No you didn't.
Isaac: But I was going to.
Nathan: Sylar, how do we get into 24?
(Sylar starts blushing and looks away modestly)
Mohinder: You aren't modest! You can't look away modestly! Tell us how to get in!! OMG!!
Nathan: What he said. Without the extra exclamations and girl-speak.
Sylar: Well, first off the entire show is surrounded by a fence.
Parkman: Is that it?
Sylar: No! God, Fatty! Wait a minute! Even if we get past all of this, we have a .0000000000000007 chance of making it back alive! So anyways, After the fence, it is surrounded by molten lava.
DL: Lava?
Sylar: Stop repeating me! (Runs after him and tries to eat his brain) (Then gets bored because DL is way faster) After the lava, there are lions, tigers and-
Linderman: Oooh! Ooh! I know! Bears!!
Sylar: No. Marmosets.
Hiro: Why don't we just teleport?
AAAAHHHH BREAK TIME! AAAAAHHHH
(Back at 24...)
Jack: Guess what, guess what!
Peter: What?
Jack: Like once, this place was blowed up. And like, another time there was this poison gas. And then this other time-
Peter: (whining) I wanna go home!!!! I'm gonna miss Gilmore Girls!
Jack: That was shameless self-promotion. (To reader) Go watch The Sentinel, and Phonebooth, and Young Guns I and II, and Dark City and the Lost Boys...
(While Jack is promoting, Peter runs for the exit. Without looking, Jack tasers him and continues)
and Watership Down...
Hiro: Why don't we just teleport?
Ando: Hiro, why did you repeat yourself?
Hiro: In case people forgot my crucial line!
Ando: When did you learn the word 'crucial'?
Hiro: Flyingman taught me!
Nathan: It's Lord Petrelli.
Claire: Teleporting, that's good...eh wait, did you just say Lord Petrelli?
Nathan:...yes.
Claire: Sweet! I'm like a princess or something!
Nathan: Sure...
Ando: I think we should teleport. I don't like Marmosets.
Niki: No one cares what you like, pervert.
(Ando sits down and cries, because it's true)
Mr. Bennet: Teleporting seems easy enough.
Ando: You ever try it?
Mr. Bennet: Several times. But then one time, when I was trying really hard...
(Niki and Mohinder cover the children's ears)
Audrey: Can we get this over with? I have a bad teen horror movie I have to get to.
(They all hold hands)
Sylar: We all live in a yellow submarine-
Ted: Yellow submarine!
Sylar: I SAID NOT TO REPEAT WHAT I SAY!!!! (Kills Ted and runs off with his brain so we can't actually see what he does with it, but we know that he eats it because that is just way cooler than just looking at/playing with it)
Mr. Bennet: Aw damn. I liked that little guy.
Parkman: Me too...
(They start crying, and Claire joins them and then realizes that she didn't cry when he died before, and actually didn't seem to care. So she takes out a cigarette and goes all James Dean)
Mr. Bennet: (still crying) When did you start smoking?
Fanboys: FIRST EPISODE!! HOT JAILBAIT!!
Mr. Bennet: That is smokin'. Creepy forty-year old guys. Oh wait...
(They teleport to 24)
(Jack is yelling at Peter as he tries to diffuse a bomb. Peter's diffusing the bomb. Jack is standing there drinking lemonade and trying to stop Chloe from humping his leg)
Peter: But I am a bomb! And I can't even diffuse myself!
Jack: Damn it, Peter! We don't have time for this!
(Peter starts crying)
(Nathan runs over and starts rocking him)
Nathan: Aww...do you want your bottle?
(Peter shakes his head)
Nathan: How about your blankey?
(Peter shakes his head)
Nathan: Just huggles?
(Peter nods)
(Nathan huggles him, endlessly.)
Jack: Hey! No affection on my show if there is no tongue involved!
(Sylar uses his magical powers...)
Mohinder: Genetic evolution!
(Sylar uses his genes of telekinesis to throw Jack against the wall. Then realizes how fun that was and throws everyone against the wall)
Claude: Damn traitors! I always get betrayed! Every time!
(Hiro pulls a quick-thinking moment and has them all hold hands and teleports them away)
(Jack looks at Sylar)
Jack: You look familiar...
Sylar: No...
Jack: Yes. OMG! You're Adam Kaufman! I remember you!
Sylar: NOOOO!!!!
(Sylar runs away like a sissy)
And all is right in the land of Heroes again. Except the fact that they all hate each other. And Peter is a bomb. And Sylar is now in 24...again. And dead people are alive. And Ted is dead, again.