At first, you hate yourself for thinking about it so much, you sure as hell aren't like that and he even less than you are.

You try to forget all about it, but after a while you just can't deny it anymore.

--

When you've come to terms with it, it still bothers you how much you think about it.

You realize it is what you want. More than anything. But you don't make any efforts, because you are pretty damn sure he doesn't feel like you do, and you value your life too much to ask him about it.

He simply isn't that kind of a person.

You try to ignore your thoughts, but it really isn't easy and you never were good at acting and hiding your true feelings. Especially from the person you are trying to hide it all.

You just hope he doesn't notice.

--

You have thought about it and hoped for it so much that both your brain and heart have begun to hurt. Right when you're on the edge of desperation, and ready to jump off the ship, he makes the move you never dared to. Something you never would've guessed.

--

Time passes. You just try to enjoy yourself and the feeling, but it still bothers you. When you're confident enough to ask him about it, he never gives you an answer. He just tells to shut the fuck up and stop thinking about it. It doesn't matter.

And then he kisses you.

And somehow you agree.

--

In the end, you think that he's right, it doesn't matter. It's not that important. And the less you think about it, the more you realize that you've known the answer for long. You never talk about it though, you just thank him for being who he is, for being all that you wanted and want.

And when you lean against his sleeping body and you feel his heartbeat as you fall asleep, you never think about it.

After all, it doesn't fucking matter.

--

Makes one wonder if it ever did.