A/N: This is a day in the life of Lucius Malfoy. A flamboyant, gay, singing Lucius Malfoy. It has nothing to do with anything and isn't set at any particular time. I've been listening to "Largo al factotum" and I couldn't help thinking how it would sound were Lucius to replace "Figaro" with his own name, because he's the barber that everybody wants.

Largo al Factotum

"--Tutti mi vogliono, qua la parrucca, presto la barba—"

"Father—"

"--Qua la sanguigna, presto il biglietto—"

"Father!"

"Lucius, Lucius, Luciusluciuslucius—"

"Father, would you shut it!"

Lucius fell silent, glaring at his son. He placed his hands on his hips and said, "What?"

Draco closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please could you just... be quiet? I have to study."

"I was getting to my favorite part, you know," Lucius whined.

"You were singing it wrong," snapped Draco. "And you're not a barber!"

Lucius huffed. "Fine," he pouted. He flounced away, his pink silk robe billowing behind him, his bunny slippers shuffling across the floor.

He decided that he needed some company. Who better for that than his old friend Severus? He went up to his room and changed into smart robes and picked up his cane. In an attractive swirl of robes, he Apparated.

"AAAUGGH!"

"What a nice way to greet someone," Lucius said grumpily.

"You Apparated into my lap!" Severus Snape shoved Lucius off of him. Lucius hit the floor with a bang.

"Ow," Lucius whined. He pushed himself to his feet, rubbing his backside. "That hurt."

"Good," Severus grumbled. Lucius curled up in the armchair across from Severus. He had Apparated into the Snape Manor library, where Severus spent most of his time.

"What are you doing?" Lucius asked.

"Reading," Severus snapped.

"What are you reading?"

"A book!"

"..."

"..."

"Lucius qua, Lucius la, Lucius su, Lucius—"

"What are you doing, Lucius?" Severus closed his book, not bothering to mark his place.

"I'm singing," Lucius said. "Pronto prontissimo, son come il fulmine—"

"Silence," Severus said.

"But Sevums, don't you like my singing?" Lucius asked in a whine.

"No!"

"You're no fun. I'm just wanted some company." Severus snorted and stood. Lucius took his opportunity and cast a quiet spell on the carpet. Severus started walking—and flowers began to sprout in his wake. Lurid pink and blue flowers.

Lucius giggled as Severus walked to the bookshelf, reshelving his current book and choosing another. He turned around and Lucius laughed out loud as he stared in disbelief at the trail of flowers.

"Fifty points from Lucius," he muttered, stomping on the flowers as he returned to his seat.

Lucius laughed. Severus began to read. Lucius stood up and snuck up behind him, quietly reading over his shoulder.

Severus turned a page. "Hey, I hadn't finished yet," Lucius whined.

"Go away," Severus said.

"Wanna go to Diagon Alley?"

"No."

"...Knockturn Alley?"

"...Fine." Severus put his book down, stood, and Apparated. Lucius quickly followed to find Severus waiting for him at the entrance to Knockturn Alley.

"Wait, wait!" Lucius cried. "I have to go—!"

"You should've gone potty before we left," Severus grumbled.

"No, silly, I mean I have to go to Gringotts!" So they set off down Diagon Alley.

They were just leaving Gringotts with full money bags when who should they see but the golden trio: Potter, Weasley, and Granger.

"Let's have some fun," Lucius whispered to Severus, giggling. He straightened up, adjusted his robe, and stepped in front of the three children.

"Well, well, well," he said, his voice taking on a silky tone. "What have we here?" He let his eyes travel up and down Potter's worn Muggle clothing disdainfully. "A trio of Muggles, it seems. Oh, wait. These are wizards. I never would have known."

"Sod off," Potter snapped. Then he blinked, his gaze traveling to Lucius' feet. "Are you—Are you wearing fuzzy pink bunny slippers?"

Lucius looked down. Indeed, he had forgotten to change his shoes this morning. "Of course not. You must be hallucinating, Potter."

"No he isn't," said the bossy voice of Hermione Granger. "I see them too, right there!" She pointed, as if Lucius didn't know where his own feet were.

Lucius poked Potter's chest—it was well muscled, he realized, now that he had the chance to prod it—with his cane. "I suppose I will be seeing you... Sooner than you might think," he said threateningly. He strode past them, his slippers shuffling on the ground.

"Barking mad," he heard the Weasley boy scoff. Severus caught up to him quickly.

"What were you talking about?" he asked. "We haven't got anything planned soon."

Lucius giggled. "Always good to keep our enemies on their toes!" he sang. Hooking his arm through Severus', he attempted to skip away down the Alley. Severus hexed him.

Lucius shuffled into his bedroom, his arms full of new Dark Artifacts. He put them down to be displayed tastefully later, but just now he wanted a rest. He made to lie down on his bed, but shrieked when he realized that his wife was already there.

"Oh," he grumbled. "It's you."

"Come to bed, darling," she said, trying to be seductive and failing.

"No," he said. "You're icky—"

"'Because you're a girl,'" she finished for him with a sigh. "You are such a child. Give me some money, then." He handed her the remnants of his Gringotts bag. "Are you wearing my slippers?"

"No, these are mine," Lucius said. She shrugged and jumped up and Apparated away.

Lucius took a nap, and when he awoke, he decided to go visit the Dark Lord. He Apparated to Voldy's super secret hiding place.

"Lucius?" said the nasty hissy voice of Voldy.

"Yes, it is I!" Lucius said dramatically. "Come to pay my deepest respects and regards to—"

"Get in line," Voldy grumbled. Lucius blinked. Already there was Wormtail, groveling at Voldy's feet.

"He's mine!" Lucius gasped, kicking Wormtail. Wormtail leapt up and said, "Mine!"

Lucius grabbed Voldy's arm. "Miiiiine!" Wormtail grabbed his other arm. A tug-of-war ensued, peppered with shouts of, "Mine!" Apparently Voldy didn't like this much, because he was shrieking.

"Stop it!" screamed Voldy. Lucius blinked and let him go, as did Wormtail. Voldy rubbed his arms. "Okay, here it is. Whoever impresses me right now gets to worship me. The loser has to wait until the winner is done."

"I am so gonna win," Lucius told Wormtail. Then he burst into song. Voldy sat forward and clapped along with the beat while Wormtail huffed.

"Sono il factotum della citta! Della citta, della citta, dellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—" Just then Wormtail decided to kick Lucius in the shins. Lucius stopped in mid-word with a squeak and rubbed his shins. "You messed up my big ending!" he yelled. Pulling out his wand, he blasted Wormtail through the wall.

"Good job, Lucius," said Voldy. "You're my new best buddy. We'll sit up all night and have slumber parties and eat candy and then we'll go kill Dumbledore and then we'll watch scary movies!"

"Ooooooh!" Lucius squealed. "Let's get started!"

And that's what they did.

A/N: I know, I know. I deserve to be flamed at the stake for this. I just had to hear Lucius' lovely singing voice. Mad propz to Gioachinni Rossini and 404 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape.