Disclaimer: Kenshin does not own the Yuu Yuu Hakusho characters (they are the property of Togashi Yoshihiro et al), and does not make any money from said characters. Don't sue.

What Kenshin does own, however, are all the original characters in this work. Any attempt to "borrow" these characters will be met with the katana, or worse.

The events in Idiot Beloved take place shortly after the Dark Tournament; Firebird Sweet directly follows.

Title: You Have Entered The No-Hiei Zone: Part Two

Author: JaganshiKenshin

Genre: Action/Adventure, Humor, and Beyond

Rating: T for anime-type violence and tough talk

Summary: Poor Kurama's bad night is about to get worse.

A/N: We take a short break from updating Firebird Sweet to post a completed sidefic!

One day, Kurama just started talking to me. Complaining, rather. The result: a comedy of errors from the world of IB and FS, taking place at an unspecified (and deliberately mysterious) time. Written in rare [for Kenshin, anyway! first-person POV, it takes Kurama's usually sleek, unruffled demeanor and gives it a bit of a twist.

You can read this on its own, I suppose, but it'll make more sense if you are familiar with both Idiot Beloved and Firebird Sweet.

This is the first sidefic I can actually post in completed form! As always, I thank you for choosing to read this, and I welcome your reviews.

So far, the killer's evading everyone

You Have Entered The No-Hiei Zone (Part Two)

by

Kenshin

If I don't do something, and quick, I told myself, I shall fall asleep on my feet.

We had been casing the Hyperion ballroom for three hours and nothing had happened other than Jorge complaining he could not get accosted, and that he smelled octopus. To which I replied that he could avail himself of the free buffet any time he pleased.

There was no sign of the criminal who had murdered those four young men. And the soggy chords of Vapeur were effecting me like a tanker of knockout drops. I wove groggily to yet another of the many bathrooms (this one, a painfully-hip gray granite affair about the size of a small airplane tarmac) and staggered up to the sink. A splash of cold water in the face might help.

The handle of the faucet seemed stuck. I turned it harder. Nothing. Muttering an uncomplimentary phrase, I gave it a yank.

Water gushed, drenching me with a chill shock. Gasping, I leapt back, just in time to see Hiei lean against the wall, smirking, as the front of my sodden shirt dripped water onto the floor.

"This is a really good look for you, Horse," he deadpanned.

Drawing myself up to full height, I said, "Just because Horse is one possible reading of the kanji for my name, you need not insult me."

"There's Clothes-Horse. Let's not forget that."

"One of these days, you'll run out of nicknames. And then where will you be?"

"In a state of relief."

I considered for a moment attempting to strangle him, but he was both rested---and dry. "You were so much more fun when I was doing the teasing."

"Poor baby. Is your diaper chafing as well?"

"Why aren't you out trying to lure the stalker?"

"Guess I look too much like rough trade."

"And I don't?" I demanded, indignant.

"No. In fact, it's your trump card. Poor harmless-seeming schoolboy Minamino-kun, until the unfortunate enemy comes too close." He yanked a handful of paper towels from the dispenser and shoved them at me. "How many freaking bathrooms does this place have anyway?"

"I don't know." I mopped water from my shirt. "I think they replicate, like bunnies."

"I think we've been had." Hiei handed me another bunch of toweling.

The door opened again. A rather substantial creature festooned in chains and black leather entered, then gave us a glare. "You jerks!" she hissed. "This is the ladies' room."

"Really?" Hiei matched her glare for glare. "Then explain the presence of these urinals."

"Sexist pigs!" The creature marched out in a high dudgeon.

"Maybe it's because we're working in pairs," mused Hiei.

"Time to split up?" I suggested. Then heard a distinctly feminine giggle coming from one of the stalls.

"I didn't know you were an item to begin with," said a familiar voice.

Hiei snorted.

The door opened, and our "ragamuffin" emerged bleary-eyed and rumpled. "I've been trying that for the past hour," Shay-san mumbled. "Going it alone, that is. So has Kuwabara."

She trudged to the sink; I beat Hiei to the tap, turning it on so she could splash her face. I barely suppressed the urge to stick out my tongue at him.

"I figured since I'm the smallest and most helpless-looking," she continued, "our perp would come after me. Not that I fell asleep in there," she amended, blushing.

Lucky girl! "I would never even suggest such a thing," I reassured her.

Hiei beat me to the towels. He did not suppress the urge to shoot me a triumphant sneer.

"I figured also that this note might be a ploy," she said, drying her hands.

"I thought that too," I said, slowly.

"A diversion." Hiei wadded the paper towels, tossing them in the trash. "Send the team on a wild goose chase, while the perps pull off the real job elsewhere."

She nodded, angling a look my way. "Except for one thing."

"In a hotel of this caliber," I expanded, "there would be bathroom attendants."

"Inside job," began Hiei.

"Someone on-staff," I finished.

Shay-san frowned. "Has anyone seen Jorge?"

"Yes." I rolled my eyes. "All too often."

"I meant lately," she supplied.

The door creaked open. Our gumshoe entered, glancing around at each of us. "Hey, guys." Kuwabara stifled a yawn, but I caught it anyway, and echoed it. "What's Neesan doin' in the Men's Room?"

"Failing to capture the perp," she informed him.

"Yeah." Kuwabara went to wash up; I noted Hiei offered him no help. "Me, too."

So there we all were: myself exhausted, Shay-san game but weary, Kuwabara showing signs of fatigue, and even Hiei looking a bit faded. "That note," I began.

"The ransom note?" Wadding his paper towels, Kuwabara overhanded them into the trash.

"Its style seems familiar," I pondered. "Overblown, self-important."

Hiei nodded. "I'm thinking the same thing."

"I so want it to be Kaitou," I said, wistfully.

The public doesn't know this about Hiei---but he's an excellent mimic; whenever Romantic Soldier released a new single, Hiei would amuse us by beating Kaitou Yuu to the punch, emulating Kaitou's excoriating reviews before they actually appeared in the papers. ("Must our sensibilities be forced to suffer through yet another cookie-cutter, frenetically upbeat and hypoglycemic number from the tedious little boy band known as Romantic Soldier?" ran one of Hiei's parodies, nailing Kaitou's actual review nearly word-for-word.)

"I don't think Kaitou's got that kinda power," said Kuwabara. "Not even with his Ability."

Shay-san nibbled a thumbnail. "Is it beyond him to pull something like this as a joke?"

I wondered. Details of the murders had made it into the papers, but gruesome was not exactly Kaitou's style.

Still. People will always surprise you.

And while we were all clustered together hoping that this was nothing more than a stunt courtesy of Kaitou Yuu, it happened.

"Wait," said Hiei, holding up a hand for silence. "Do you smell---"

Another stall opened. A skinny, bug-eyed boy slouched out, with a boneless appearance to him, and arms and legs seemingly too long for his meager frame. He looked us over, then smiled.

"The joke," he said, in a voice that sounded like he'd eaten too much cheese, "is on you." He raised a long, limp hand. "Mist of Terrifying Transformation!"

Fwap.

A puff of noxious blue smoke billowed out from the boy, stinging my eyes. I coughed; others were hacking too.

The smoke dissipated. And instead of a human boy, we were faced with an octopus-demon the size of an economy car, its multiple sticky limbs writhing with the sound of melting taffy.

"This is a bad thing, right?" asked Shay-san.

"I believe so," I said.

We were all tired. Which was why we stood an instant too long, blinking dumbly at the cephalopod apparition. Its glistening amber hide and soft, baggy head made it look a bit like a sweet roll.

"Great," Shay-san muttered. "A sticky bun with tentacles."

"A sticky bun? How dare you?" The creature shrieked a high gale of evil laughter, pointing a tentacle towards its head. "I am the Great DaiTako-sama."

"It's rude to refer to yourself with an honorific," said Kuwabara.

"Really?" it squelched. "Neither the great Kurama nor the great Hiei together could find me with a map and a flashlight!"

I still wasn't taking this very seriously. "Not to mention Hiei's Jagan."

"You would mention that, Kit-kun," snorted Hiei.

"Hey!" protested Kuwabara. "What about the great Kuwabara Kazuma and my powerful sixth sense? I couldn't find you either."

"That's right," Hiei agreed. "And neither could Jorge. Next time I'm bringing my katana. Tako yaki, anyone?"

"Ah, well." Shay-san sighed, dusting her hands, assuming Command Voice. "The sticky bun in front of---"

The creature raised itself on all eight tentacles. "Voice-Stopping Veil of Severe Darkness!"

A jet of black miasma boiled out from the creature's underside to strike Shay-san. She put a hand to her throat. Her mouth worked, but no sound came out. The octo-demon wrapped her in one of its tentacles, binding her fast.

"Touch her and die!" Baring his fangs, Hiei leapt for the creature.

"Guess again, runt," drawled the lazy, plum-pudding voice. Lightning-quick, it plucked Hiei from mid-air, then whipped a tentacle around each of us.

Octopi are armed not only with a crushing beak and powerful tentacles, but the suckers on the underside of those tentacles are razor-edged. These suckers had already cut through my shirt, scoring my arms so that blood dripped from my wounds. Bare-armed Hiei had it worse, covered shoulder to wrist in his own blood. Kuwabara and Shay-san were thankfully somewhat better protected by their heavier garb.

But we were in a jam.

Our Spellcaster had been effectively muted, and bound, so neither could she go for her gun. Kuwabara might have been able to summon his Spirit Sword, but the creature would see it coming, and go for Shay-san.

Which left me. And Hiei.

And I was too depleted to summon a demonic plant.

"So this is what you wanted," growled Kuwabara. "All of us, together in one shot."

"Yes," sniggered the octopus demon. "Frightfully clever of me, if I do say so myself."

"No wonder you thought it was Kaitou," spat Hiei. "This fool sounds just like him."

That comment earned Hiei an extra squeeze from the creature's tentacle. Fresh blood spurted from the wounds on his arms. An eerie calm settled in the fire demon's eyes. "Try that again," Hiei purred. "I can bite it off for you if you like."

"Do," countered the octopus, "and I'll give the girl twice what I gave you."

The door bammed open. I gave a little groan. "Kaitou," I said, without enthusiasm. "You are aware that your eyeglasses really don't work with 18th-century fopware."

Kaitou lifted a supercilious eyebrow. "Your ignorance is showing, Minamino. Eyeglasses had already been invented then."

"Not those coke-bottles you're wearing," said Kuwabara.

"Make yourself useful," I told Kaitou. "Help us out here."

Kaitou studied the octopus. "Quite a costume," he said.

"I've plenty more where that came from." DaiTako snaked an extra tentacle around Kaitou. Kaitou just stood there blinking.

But a Look passed among us.

Years back, Hiei and I had conquered another 8-armed creature by coordinating our attacks against the demon Yatsude. And while Hiei could easily send his fire along the tentacle holding him captive, such a move was risky. A cephalopod can spare a tentacle, and it could react fast enough to kill Shay-san.

Kuwabara understood. He kept talking, loud. "So you're a coward as well as a liar, you slithering worm. And now you got innocent people involved. What gives you that right?"

The octo-demon rolled sticky eyes at Kuwabara. "Shut up or I'll mute you as well, with a side order of crushed ribs."

"Go ahead," sneered Kuwabara. "Threatening unarmed men seems about your speed."

With an awful squelching noise, DaiTako tightened its grip on Kuwabara, who yelped in pain. But that one can take more than his share.

And all we needed was a few more moments' distraction. "Kaitou," I suggested. "Perhaps you'd consider writing this up in your column."

"Gub-gub-gub," was Kaitou's reply.

"Shut up, all of you!" The octopus emphasized his threat with a hug that slammed the breath from my lungs and threatened the structural integrity of my ribcage.

"Bastard," spat Hiei. "Pick on someone your own size."

"Love to, Chibi." With a flourish of his glutinous tentacle, the octo-youkai lifted Hiei until Hiei's candle-flame hair scraped the ceiling, then slammed him back to the floor.

But Hiei can take a punch, too. All that got our enemy was a crimson deathglare.

I shot a glance at Shay-san, who was, sensibly enough, not wasting energy. But the wide gray eyes asked a question.

I thought long and hard about the arsenal in my hair. In my exhausted condition, about all I could summon was ivy. And not even the poison kind.

We needed a swift, deadly strike.

Tentacles would not be his vital spot---face it, octopi have eight of them. No, our attack must be a head-blow. We needed a sacrificial lamb. I flicked a glance at Kuwabara-kun.

No lamb there, but a lion.

I exchanged another glance with Hiei. He blinked in understanding.

And Kuwabara warmed to his task. "Why, you senseless bastard!" he seethed, struggling against the tentacle that held him fast. "Calling you a worm is an insult to worms the world over! If you weren't the coward you are I would---"

His words were cut off in a yelp of pain as the octopus applied crushing pressure.

I spoke with as much cool insolence as I could muster. "In what manner did you select your victims?"

DaiTako gave a squicky laugh. "Some poor dupe would wander by an alley where I was hiding. If he looked young and defenseless I grabbed him."

"Yellow-bellied weakling," growled Kuwabara, only to cry out in pain as the octopus focused its anger on him.

"I knew that serial-killer ploy would get your attention," it sneered. "You're all such meddlers! It's impossible for a demon to do as he pleases these days, thanks to you. Now the only one left for me to pick off is Urameshi. Think he'll see me coming while he's mopping up the drunkard's puke?"

Hiei lifted his lip. "You're exactly the kind of bastard who pisses me off--" but the enemy tightened its grip and cut him off in mid-breath.

"Who's the fool here?" DaiTako's laughter rang off the tiles.

The door crashed open. It was our 'bait.'

"Oh, Sirs!" Jorge clasped his hands in glee. "Someone just asked me out on a date! Whatever shall I--"

Now!

Summoning my final shreds of spirit energy, I sent a numbing mist (courtesy of a mushroom spore found in the lakeside gardens of a certain Aunt Carmel in North America) along its tentacles to freeze them, simultaneously shooting a Thrashvine from my hair to whip round the head of the octo-creature.

Instantly, Hiei ignited the vine.

An unearthly shriek rose from DaiTako as its head burst into flame. Hiei slashed his way out to free Shay-san. Kuwabara summoned his Spirit Sword, hacking us both free in a nice two-handed stroke.

Somewhat begrudgingly, I got Kaitou away and helped him to his feet.

For a few minutes all we heard---and smelt---was roasting octopus. And then it was over. Nothing left but smoking piles of charred cephalopod meat.

Kuwabara poked at the grisly mess with the toe of his wingtipped shoe. "Dead," he announced. "Like a doornail."

"Something about this doesn't seem quite right," muttered Kaitou, shakily adjusting his thick eyeglasses.

"Then go to sleep," I suggested, dusting him with pollen from the Dream Flower. "I only wish I could."

Kaitou sank to the floor, an expression of deep bewilderment etching his brows.

Hiei had an arm around Shay-san, supporting her. Whatever else one might think of him as a mate, he is, without doubt, an protector par excellence.

"I can talk again," she wheezed, then gave way to a prodigious yawn.

This time we all caught the yawn, even Hiei. Then I smiled wearily at her, jerking my head in the direction of the roasted boy-killer. "Care for a snack?"

Shay-san gave a delicate shudder. "You know I don't eat anything that has tentacles."

"I do," said Jorge, happily.

0-0-0-0-0

It was dawn when I dragged myself home.

We had dealt with Jorge's "date---" the insider, who turned out to be nothing more than a disgruntled restroom employee--- and I had dealt with Kaitou via the Dream Flower, and a side order of Forget-me-Lots.

This was one arts column Kaitou wouldn't be writing.

I don't recall ever feeling so tired in my life. However, there were one or two things I needed to do before collapsing.

Grabbing a sheet of paper and a marker, I sketched a rough silhouette of my friend's mantled figure with its candle-flame hair, circled it, drew a diagonal slash across it, then taped it to the window.

Then, almost as an afterthought, I sprinkled a little bit of warding-pollen on both drawing and window.

With Hiei, you never know.

- 30-

(More sidies to come! I hope you had as much fun reading this new-improved-with-formatting version as I did writing it.)