A/n: More Jack-bashing and Sawyer and Kate in this final chapter of my parody. I have gotten so many reviews, I can't believe it! At least 12 per chap, This is amazing. I'm glad people are enjoying it. Extra long chap this time. Read on for more weirdness. :)
Cut to Kate waking up at the campsite. She sees that Karl is missing.
"Sawyer. Sawyer, wake up. He's gone. Karl's gone."
"And why do I care?"
"Sawyer!"
"He didn't even show me the hippo-panda whatcha-ma-callit!"
"Just go find him." She groaned, rolling her eyes and muttering 'men' under her breath.
"Wait…Hold up."
They stop and can hear Karl crying.
He shook his head. "I got it, Freckles."
"No, let me talk to him. I'm,a woman. I'm more – well, motherly and nurturing."
"You?" He scoffed. "I got it -- boys only. Because boys are cooler."
"Well…you know what? Get caught in a cage by yourself next time then!"
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Sawyer walked towards the sounds of crying and quickly found Karl. He walked over and when the boy glanced up, punched him hard in the face. Karl was immediately knocked out. Sawyer smiled, brushed off his hands on his jeans, and walked back over to Kate.
"Kid ain't cryin no more. Let's go, Freckles."
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Cut to Jack in his cage. Alex enters and throws a rock at the surveillance camera, breaking it.
"I want to ask you something. They're not watching anymore so you can tell me the truth."
"Only if I want to. I am a good liar you know." She smirked.
"Ben, why'd you save him? I hate him! First he locked up my boyfriend, then he grounded me and said I couldn't watch Spongebob anymore…But you still fixed him, even after your friends got away. Why?"
"You're his daughter."
"Well, technically, no. He adopted me, but he's always been very vague on the subject, so who knows? Anyway, we're going off topic. Answer the question, or this time you're getting the rock, not that camera."
"I'll answer your question if you answer one of mine. Where's Juliet? I MISS her!" He started to sob.
Alex rolled her eyes. "She's with the rest of them. They're going to read her verdict."
"Her verdict? You mean…she's dead?" He asked in a small, heartbroken voice.
"Not her will, her verdict, idiot! And we all know what it's going to be. We're pretty strict about killing one of our own. Eye for an eye."
"You're gonna take her eye!?!?"
"Jack…" She shook her head. "Forget it. She killed the man who as going to murder your friends."
"You should take his eye!"
"I didn't mean it like…Jack, I have another question. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And also, who dropped you on your head when you were a baby?"
"Oh, you mean my mom? Yeah, she did that once. My dad did it a couple dozen times, and then the nanny. Oh, jeez, don't get me started on that frikkin nanny…"
"Uh, Jack? Forget I asked. Now, for the last time. Why did you save Ben?"
"I saved your father because I'm awesome, heroic, smart, amazing. All that my tattoo says."
Alex started to walk away.
"Wait, is he stil in charge? Can he get me out of here?"
"Personally, I think that cage is there for your own safety." Alex muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing, Jack." She called.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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In the Hydra operating room, we see Ivan about to inject a needle in Ben's infected back. Jack busts in.
"I wouldn't do that! I am the only doctor qualified to do that, and besides. He doesn't need shots, he needs his back amputated immediately."
Ben rolled his eyes. Juliet warned me about him."
"You guys are stupid." He said childishly.
"And why is that, Jack?" Ben asked wearily.
"Cuz you don't have any good doctors. Besides me, I mean. And I don't work for you cuz you're evil!"
"We had an excellent surgeon, Jack. His name was Ethan."
Jack's mouth dropped open and he gasped. "So HE'S the man trying to steal Juliet from me."
"He's dead, Jack. Remember?"
"He's dead? Did you 'eye for an eye' him?" He asked quietly.
"No, Jack. You did."
"No, I would definitely remember taking someone's eye." He said thoughtfully.
"Why do we even keep this guy around?" The random other in the room groaned.
"We need to make a deal. I demand that you give me Juliet back or I won't amputate your back."
"Thank you so much for that." Ben said dryly.
"You're gonna die if we don't make this deal and I want Juliet safe, do we have a deal or not?"
Ben sighed. "Fine. Does Isabel have a walkie?"
"They're already in the meeting." Alex said.
"Then get me something to write on, and for Pete's sake, get him out of here." He said, pointing at Jack.
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FLASHBACK
We see Jack at a seedy street market. He sees Achara and follows her into an empty room -- sort of a lounge, but with a tattoo station in the room.
"You're following me."
"Of course, the toilet monster told me to."
"Jack, how many times do we have to go over this…"
"Wait." He looked around here they were. "What is all this?"
"This is where I work. And you shouldn't be here."
"This is, uh, a tattoo parlor. That was big secret?" he scoffed. "Shoot, the toilet monster led me here for nothing. I trusted you!" He shouted to no one in particular.
"I am not a tattoo artist. I am able to see who people are. My work is not decoration; it is definition. And this, this is my gift."
"So you see who people are? Who am I? A ninja? A pirate?" He asked excitedly.
"No, Jack. You are not a ninja or pirate."
"Dang." He paused. "So…tell me who I am."
"No. My gifts are not meant to be wasted on you."
"Why not?"
"You are…how can I put this lightly, stupid." His face crumpled. "I-I mean an outsider."
"So you can sleep with me, and impersonate the toilet monster, and-"
"I'm not allowed. Drop it, already."
He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "WHO AM I? What's my name? What's wrong with me??"
"Many things, Jack."
"Please tell me who I am?" He whined.
"Fine." She sighed. "You are a leader, a great man. But this, this makes you lonely, and frightened, and angry…and a bit stupid-I mean, an outsider."
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Audience: No, duh. Gee, this girl's a smart one. She's almost as bad as Jack.
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"Now, put it on me. Put it on me!"
"Okay." She shrugged. She began getting some very threatening-looking tools out.
"WAIT! Will it hurt?" He asked in a small voice.
"Too late."
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Back on the island, Jack and Alex run to the meeting.
"Jack, you aren't supposed to be in here. Just shutup for once." Alex knocked on the door.
"Alex! Why did you bring Jack here, you know he's not allowed." Tom said.
"Isabel, here's another note from my Dad."
She grinned and blushed as she took the letter hurriedly. "Another love note?" She asked in a high pitched tone, then quickly masked her emotions and read it.
"Love notes?" Tom mouthed, Alex shook her head.
"Ben has commuted Juliet's sentence. Execution is off the table. He says the rules don't apply. He has, however, ordered her to be marked."
"You mean you wont' take her eye?" Jack asked excitedly.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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FLASHBACK
We see Jack on the beach exiting his hut. We see the Thai boy selling soda to a man. Jack marches up with an angry look on his face
"I thought I said that stuff goes to my thighs!" He shouted angrily.
The little boy ran away in fear and a group of men approached and proceeded to beat Jack to a pulp.
"You will get off of beach!! You will leave this country!! Do you understand me?!" Chet shouted.
Jack just sat in the sand and cried hysterically, until the men got embarrassed and nervously walked away.
"NO ONE LOVES ME!" Jack sobbed loudly.
"I hear ya, Doc!" A voice randomly yelled.
Jack only shrugged and ignored the voice and continued to cry.
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Back on the island, Juliet brings a sandwich to Jack in the cage.
"I hear you only like them grilled."
"No, I just like the toothpicks. Tasty."
"Okay, whatever."
"Wait, I thought they were gonna take your eye?"
"They didn't take my eye, Jack. And would you just shutup about the whole 'eye for an eye' thing already! They marked me."
"Ooh, can I see?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"But I love you."
"I'll let you see it if you take that back." She tried.
"Fine. But I'm only saying it with my mouth, not with my heart." He said poetically.
"Whatever." She said, and showed him the mark on her back. It was a smily face.
Jack laughed. "Cool! Can I have one?"
"No, Jack."
"I never get to have any fun." He grumbled, then he stopped. "My doctor sense are tingling. Break a branch off that aloe plant over there..."
"Uh, no really." She started nervously.
"GO GET IT!"
"Fine!" She shouted, jumping in surprise and running to get it.
"Okay, turn around."
"But, I can-"
"DO IT!"
"Fine!"
He started to put the aloe to her back.
"Ow ow ow ow!"
"I haven't even touched it yet."
"Oh. Sorry, just practicing."
He started rubbing it on the wound. "Uh…Juliet?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm touching it now."
"Oh…ow ow ow ow ow ow!"
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Cut to Sawyer returning to the campsite alone.
"Where's Karl?"
"Oh, uh, whenhe wakes up, I think he's goin ta get his girlfriend."
"What?"
"Poor guy." He smirked. 'He was so tired from all that soothing guy-talk, he took a nap."
"But he could have taken us to that Starbucks!"
"Coffee ain't everything, Kate."
"Take that back!"
"Let's just get back to camp." Kate is annoyed but doesn't respond. "Well, are you coming, or not?"
"You suck!"
"That's not what you said the other day." He smirked. She only glared, so he glared back. "Don't take it out on me because you feel guilty."
"I don't feel guilty."
"Yeah, right."
"We had to leave Jack behind. I didn't have a choice."
SAWYER: I'm not talking about leaving Jack behind. I know you took that last candy bar. So don't beat yourself because the Doc's left behind."
"I'm not beating myself up…It was a good candy bar."
"Of course you're not. So, now that we got that out of the way, let's go."
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Scene switches to the Others on the beach preparing to ferry people to a larger boat offshore.
"Hmm…"He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us." Your tattoos -- that's what they say." Isabel said.
"Nuh-uh! They say that Jack is the smartest, most heroic-"
"No, it isn't."
"Well, fine! That's what they say. That's not what they mean." He said, and walked away angrily.
The End
A/n: Okay, that's the end. I don't think it was as funny as the last chapter, but it was fun to write anyway. If you've been reading this and not reviewing, please just tell me what you thought. Thanks!