No Beta (sorry for any mistakes)
We used to be friends. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to when we'd hang out. Just shoot the breeze and laugh about random things. We had so many things in common back then. Maybe we still do, but I just don't see it anymore. I can't believe that you'd ever asked my advice about anything, my opinion of something you wanted to do. I know you did once, but sometimes I wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me and those moments in my life never happened.
By the end of high school, though, I knew my place. Every once in a while I'd find a reason to speak up to you. Just something small to talk about. And for a few seconds it would be like it used to be. You and I would be friends again. But then someone else comes around and you look away. You don't know it but there's this small flick of your eyes that always tells me I'm no longer there. This other person has now captured your attention and I've faded back into the past.
Some days I'd want to yell at you, remind you that we're still friends even though you only remember that fact when I remind you. I want to ask you if you ever fade away, too. I hate the way it feels to fade away. I hadn't realized how happy I was being your friend until you started to forget me, started to pay more attention to your teammates and admireres.
I can still remember the first time I realized I was fading away. It was that Friday night when we had decided to go to a new horror movie. Then again, maybe you don't know. After all, you never showed. I went to the movie simply because I already had the ticket. I had another one in my pocket – it was yours - and it felt like it weighed like a brick instead a small sliver of paper.
When the lights had gone down in the theater I simply faded away. I don't remember what the movie was about but I remember the other people screaming and laughing. I remember the group of girls a few rows in front of me. They looked like they were having so much fun laughing and talking quietly to each other in between intense moments of the movie. It all felt like watching a movie too. Like I was watching my life from some other point of view. It was in the dark of that theater that I realized I had faded away. I was faceless, nothing more then a shadow in a room with no light.
The next day you called me up. You were still doing that at the time. You told me you went to a party with some football players. I got angry. But you didn't know it because I had simply accepted your apology and pretended it hadn't bothered me by being forgotten by my best friend. I guess I was still numb, still faded away.
By the end of that semester you had stopped bothering to apologize. You had even stopped telling me about the fun things you did with these new friends. But it was a year before I stopped buying that second ticket. Not that you'd really care to know something like that. Afterall, you've all those new friends.
Its not like I don't have other friends, I do. I just never feel the need to go out of my way to hang out with them anymore. What's the point? They don't really need me either. They have other friends and forgot about me more often than not. But that's what I expect these days anyways.
Especially after the class party. It was right after the graduation ceremony, remember? I know you remember, you and your friends took all those pictures. I smiled all through the party, just in case anyone got a shot of me in their pictures. After a while I realized that I couldn't see any of my friends around. You and your friends left pretty soon after that and before I knew it I was simply among the handful of people left. The next day one my friends called me up and reminded me that I had faded away.
"Sorry man, we just felt the urge to go and didn't even think to go back and get you. It was just a spur of the moment thing. You understand, right?"
I didn't really understand, but I accepted it. I had to. Especially since I started to get forgotten a lot after that. That's what college was – the place I was forgotten at. I never really talked to those friends again even though some of them went to the same school. I never bothered to really get to know anyone else, either. I had all I could take of good friends. I didn't see or hear anything of you for years. I didn't even keep your photos around, they were in a box back at my parents house.
Periodically I would go out. With classmates, roommates, coworkers, but mostly by myself. Before I knew it a year had passed and I had finally come to terms with the fact that if I wanted to talk to my parents it was me that was going to have to call them. I can't even once remember once when they called me. After a while I stopped calling, though. Everytime I talked to them they seemed to be having a lot of fun with me out of the house. They sounded happier. And who was I to intrude on that?
I'd like to think that I'd forgotten all about you by that point, but I didn't. Every once in a while I'd suddenly think of you. Like when I was at the resteraunt I worked at and someone orderd your favorite food. Or I'd pass the campus theater and wonder if you'd like the movie that was playing.
It was in college that I stopped trying to pretend I wasn't fading away. I actually embrassed it there. At the big university I was just another face hurrying from class to class. I was just another annoying kid trying to prove myself an adult. I doubt greatly that any of my professors would remember me. To them I was just another face in the see of faces that come and go like the waves of an ocean upon the sand.
I never bothered to go home again. Instead I got a place. One all to myself so I didn't have to have a roommate. I had my own little place where I could disappear. No one ever knew much about me in my apartment complex because I wasn't obligated by some strange social notion to have long conversations with the other tenents. I would nod and smile to those I passed on the way to the laundry room. Maybe say hi as I passed them in the hallway, but I never bothered to learn their names and never gave them mine.
The job I got after college suited me. I'd graduated college with a degree in computer sciences. I got hired by one of the big companies and got a little cubicle as far away from the entrance as possible. I liked my job, it was just me and my computer and whatever programs my bosses wanted me to test and give reports on. Some of my co-workers would stop by my cubicle and we'd talk. I even went to the bar with them every once in a while.
And then came the renunion. I had felt shocked when I read the invitation. Ten year High School reunion. Had it really been ten years? I didn't remember ever getting the five year reunion invitation but I guess that was because my parents never forwarded it onto me. They used to forget to forward my mail to me a lot. But apparently they had given our old school my address before they moved down to Florida.
At first I didn't want to go. What was the point after all? But I guess it was a morbid curiosity that made me want to go. I wanted to see what had become of everyone else. I wanted to see what had become of you. I wanted to see if you had faded away like me or if you were perfect like all the movie posters made you look. And so I went.
It was strange going home at first. Not because of all the places I rememberd or of all the memories that came to mind but because I found myself feeling nothing for them. Once again it felt like I was watching from somewhere else outside of myself. It was someone else's memories and someone else's life that was disconnected from me.
I actually smiled when I looked around the reunion party. I honestly don't know why I felt the urge to smile like I hadn't smiled in years, but I did. Some people came up to me, squinting at my namebadge and then pumping me for information.
"What have you been up to?"
"Did you get hitched?"
"Got any brats?"
"What exactly do you do?"
To every answer I gave an honest answer. I didn't care what any of these people thought about me, I answered all of their obvious questions and asked not a single one of my own. The next day I was going to be flying back to Seattle and probably wouldn't be coming back to this town again until the next reunion. Why did I need to know about these strangers?
And then I saw you. You were exactly like I remembered from the high school graduations. People flocked around you and the people that had been asking me questions actually looked interested in what you had to say. When no one was looking I smiled stupidly. I had once again faded away. I was happy to back where I was used to being.
I was over at the bar asking for some random beer when you came up next to me. At first I was confused. At some point in the pasted ten years I had apparently conviced myself that there had never been a we, that I had always been this somewhat diminshed person always watching you from the other side of a movie screen.
So when you started talking to me I couldn't answer back. It annoyed you, I could tell, but yet you still kept talking to me. I still don't think I understand why you did but it wasn't long before I had told you everything I had told the others at the reunion. You're face got angrier and angrier through the night and for some reason it reminded me of how you used to make the same face when I would take one of your toys when we were little.
Towards the end of the night, though, you sighed and your face relaxed. You leanded back in your chair, you're 'Most Successful Person' ribbon pined to the lapel of your suit jacket. You looked at me and apologized. I must have looked confused because you explained what you were apologizing for. You told me you were sorry for ignoring me in high school, for being a 'self-absorbed dick who got caught up in being popular.' I shrugged it off.
"It doesn't matter anymore." I said and you looked relieved.
When we went outside it didn't seem like that big of a deal to share your car for the ride back to our hotels. I had come in a cab since it didn't make any sense to rent a car when I was only going to be in town for 16 hours. When you invited me up to your room for a beer I shrugged and followed you up. When we were in your room and you kissed me, I was shocked. I had even been a little scared even though I didn't know why.
It wasn't that I hadn't been with someone before. I wasn't a virgin. But something about you scared me. Maybe it was the way you looked at me, like you were really seeing me. I closed my eyes and you must have taken that as an invitation because you kissed me again. As your lips moved over mine, I concentrated on fading away. On my mind letting go and to fade away. I didn't bother to stop you when your hand slid up under my shrit.
That night I didn't sleep. By the time you were done it was almost 6 AM. I had an 8 AM flight to catch. As I sat up and pulled on my underwear I could feel your eyes on me again. I felt scared again as I sat on the edge of the bed and tugged my shirt over my head. Peaking over my shoulder I saw your intense eyes staring at me, the little line was between your drawn eyebrows as you frowned at me.
I turned around quickly and pulled my pants back on. I didn't like the way you looked at me. It was almost like you could see me. I put the heels of my palms to my temple and shut my eyes tightly. Once again I willed myself to fade away. But I could still feel your eyes on me, which only caused me to close my eyes tighter until the rainbow lights appeared behind my closed lids.
"What's wrong?" I heard your voice but it was the sound of the sheets rustling that caused me open my eyes. You had sat up in the bed but your expression hadn't changed.
"Nothing, I just have a plane to catch." For a second your face showed surprise but then it slipped back into a scowl.
"But-" I didn't wait to hear what you were saying. You wouldn't stop looking at me and I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. I didn't even bother to clean up in your bathroom, instead I simple left to hotel room.
I walked quickly down the hallway and as I stood at the elevator I once again willed myself to fade away. I heared you coming out into the hallway just as the elevator arrived. I got in and turned in time to see you walking with hurried steps towards me. I know you said something but I had already begun to fade away so it sounded like voices under water.
The elevator's doors closed and I was alone. I let out a sigh of relief and when the doors opened I let out another one. The lobby was quite, no one was around that shouldn't be. I walked outside and found that an airport shuttle was outside. I asked the driver, who was loading someone's luggage into the back, if he could drop me off at my hotel. I had to pick up my own luggage. The young man shrugged and told me he'd drop me off after he took the other passengers to the airport.
I climbed into the large van and sat down next to a woman holding a sleeping toddler. She smiled at me before turning back to the book she was reading. The driver got in just as you walked outside. Through the tinted windows I saw you looking around and I found that my heart started racing at the sight of you.
The shuttle pulled away from the curb drawing your attention. I saw your eyes widen and even though the windows were darkly tinted I thought you saw me. You took a step forward before stopping and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. We pulled out of the parking lot but it was a long time before I faded away again.
I refused to talk to my co-workers about the reunion. All they wanted to know about was you and for the first time I started to hate you. It was because of you that I first faded away, why now do you seem to cause me to be seen? Eventually they stopped asking me about you. They also started to stay away from me. I was thankful because now I could fade away again. But my anger towards you was a problem. It made my fading away more difficult to the point that had to go to my doctor to get his help to fade away.
And then you walked back into my life. I was alone in my apartment when you knocked on my door. I opened the door without bothering to look through the peephole. You stood there with that scowl on your face as I looked at you in confusion. I'm not sure how long we stood like that but the entire time you kept looking at me. I felt my heart rate increase. My breathing became shallow and I tried to close the door on you but you blocked the door and pushed your way inside.
I had to turn away. I couldn't look at you while you were looking at me. I turned away and paced while you talked. You made a grab for me and I pushed you away. I covered my eyes with my hands and pressed my plams hard into my eye sockets. Something wet touched the skin of my wrists as I willed myself to fade away, but I couldn't with you here. And I wanted nothing more then to fade away like I used to, like I did when we were in high school when it didn't matter if you were here or not.
You made a grab for me again and I turned to you suddenly, meeting your eyes and seeing you see me. Maybe I wanted to see if I could force you to make me fade away but I didn't. Instead you grabbed my face and looked hard into my eyes. Your thumbs were moving over my cheeks as your eyes grew concerned and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand you looking at me.
"Don't look at me!"
"What-"
I pushed away from you again and walked quickly into my bathroom. Before you could follow I locked the door. I started to pace as my breathing turned to sobbs. I needed to fade away, fade away so you would go away. I grabbed my perscription sleeping pills out of the medicine cabinet.
"I want to fade away." I said out loud.
"What?!" I heard you through the door, it was almost like you had your ear against the wood.
"I need to fade away."
"What the hell are you doing?! Open the damn door!"
Your pounding on the door was distant as the empty orange bottle fell into the sink. I sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. I could feel every part of me fading away. I'd fade away and when I came back, you'd be gone. That's all I wanted. But instead you broke the door. Kicked at it until the flimsy lock gave. Through hazy sight I saw you kneel next to me, your eyes were wide as you checked my pulse.
I watched, fading away with every second, as you pulled out your cell phone and then started looking around. You found the empty bottle and spoke into the phone. I started to feel heavy, not light like I do when I would fade away and I started to get scared. A weak sobb escaped me and you tossed your phone away, reaching for my face to cradle it between your hands. Your eyes boored into me and I couldn't bring myself to look away.
"Why, Sasuke?" You pleaded, tears falling from your blue eyes. My face was wet and I wasn't sure if it was because of your tears or mine, your face was that close to mine.
"I need you, Sasuke. I need you to look at me so you can remind me of who I am, who I really am and who I need to be."
"I can't do that anymore. I'm not a real person now." I say weakly. You sob and bury your face in my hair behind my left ear. I can smell your sandlewood scented aftershave. I can feel the smoothness of your skin on mine as your tears matte my hair together. Your sobbs are loud in my ears. But I can't see you. My sight is so blurry I can't see anything except blobs of color and suddenly I want nothing more then to see you and to be seen by you.
"Naruto." I cry weakly as I continue to fade away. "Please, I want to be seen again. I want to be real again."
And our sobs fill the small bathroom. The sound echos of the walls and ceilings until my lungs refuse to make the sound anymore. Until my body refuses to move at my commands. And that is how the paramedics find us. You crying as you hold me. And me almost completely faded away.
I will never touch pills again. To this day you practically have to force the tablets down my throat when I get sick. The taste of charcole and vomit is something I never want to taste again. From time to time I find myself fading away or wanting to. But you always drag me back. You look at me and see me. Most of the time you smile at me and I find myself smiling back.
A/N: For clarification purposes, this fic does not show depression. Depression is a swift change in mood towards the negative (a swift change in mood to the positive is called mania) and generally very short. Lasts over two weeks and ends at around six months. Depression is episodic which means you can be prone to having episodes of depression but you're not actually depressed all the time.
In this fic I illustrasted (or tried to) a disorder called dysthymia. It acts the same as depression except the mood change isn't as drastic as a depressive episode. You also have to suffer from the negative mood change for two years before you can actually be diagnosed with dysthymia. However, people suffering from dysthymia can have episodes of depression. If you want more info go look up dysthymia on wikipedia.
Thanks for reading everyone! Hugs for all of you!