Note: I'm not too great of a writer, but I dug up my old files and this still amused me. I wrote this a long, long time ago-- actually, this was a makeup assignment in which I had to write just a page or two of something random and stick in a certain number of vocab words in (so pardon the strange wording and choice of vocabulary). There are slight changes in character / setting because this little thing was to be graded by a 50 year old teacher who knew nothing about Final Fantasy. But otherwise...
Insert disclaimer here.
In order to please a woman, a man was expected to be romantic. "Romantic" included everything from bringing a woman fresh flowers to satisfying her epicurean needs. Zack was a man indeed, and was considered to be "romantic"— but when it came to the realm of all that was palatable, he was viewed upon as the epitome of failure.
Yet the more than apparent lack of culinary skills did nothing to deter the ever enthusiastic Zack from attempting his own hand at creating savories. Never ceasing in his almost voracious desire to please his newest girlfriend (Zack had a tendency to get a new one every week for reasons beyond his comprehension), the man set off immediately upon his quest of finding something delectable for his new beloved.
His unfortunate girlfriend would not be the only one to suffer from his (often fatal) eagerness. Zack had a roommate whose everyday life was another quest for survival—Sephiroth nearly lost himself in the closet once, for all that went inside the black hole never came out (in one piece, at least), and he was sent to the hospital for injuring a limb or two by tripping on the piles of clothing and unidentifiable objects that littered the floor. Most mortifying of all were the experiences in which Sephiroth had almost burnt his beautiful and ridiculously long hair in the fires that took place whenever Zack attempted cooking. As if to prove the unworthiness of all the trouble Zack went through to cook, Sephiroth knew for a fact that the end results were barely alimentary, not even to mention edible. And so it was not strange that Sephiroth developed an abstemious attitude towards foods of any kind, as Zack's mere existence contributed to the diminishing of Sephiroth's formerly well muscled body to an emaciated state.
Sunday afternoon found the two men in the kitchen, where Sephiroth was having his daily rant about the Army cafeteria.
"How I eschew that cadet and his esoteric eggplants! His ravenous attitude towards all that is purple requires exigent psychological counseling before his mental state rubs off on his peers. Saying that he is as gluttonous as a pig and as unaesthetically pleasing as a sea cucumber is an understatement—indeed, a compliment for his standards. That man is notorious for his stupidity and for his obsession with purple ostriches! Say—what is that you are cooking, anyway?"
Zack, who had recovered from his momentary deafness, grinned heartily at his friend. "Glad you noticed, Seph! I'm making something truly unique and memorable for my girlfriend. Say, was it the nauseating stench or the abhorrent sight that got your attention this time?"
Sephiroth's concern for his friend's sanity was in vain.
"It is both, and the fact that you look so utterly pleased with yourself while standing over that otherworldly glob of what you call edible. What is that odor that reeks of Army stables? It stinks of those wretched ostriches that the Army use as war animals."
Zack laughed triumphantly, striking fear within the cold blooded man that Sephiroth was. "Sneaking them out of the stables was only the beginning! Now, this purple one here…" Sephiroth could not bring himself to listen on.
Despite his cold and intimidating appearance, Sephiroth was truly a kind man—he never had the heart to tell Zack that the reason why he had so many failed relationships was not because he was unpopular with the women, but because of his terrible cooking skills.
With horror he watched his near-deranged friend stir the ostrich stew like a mad scientist, and from that day on Sephiroth decided to become a vegetarian.