A/N: This idea popped into my head, fully-formed, and insisted on being written down. It's weird, but not in a bad way (I think). This takes place during page 37, the evening and night after L has cuffed himself to Light for the first time.
I don't own Light or L, or Death Note, or even Matsuda. Just messing around with 'em for a bit.
"Good night, Ryuuzaki, Light-kun!"
"Yes! Good night! Let us know if you need anything!"
"We will, thank you."
Click
…
"Well."
"Well, Light-kun."
"This is weird."
"But necessary."
"So…what happens now?"
"We go to sleep."
"Beyond that. I mean, do we sleep in the same bed?"
"There is only one bed in the room. Unless you would prefer that I sleep on the floor."
"No, that's not necessary. I'd ask you which side of the bed you prefer, but the chain pretty much determines that already."
"Yes, it does. I hope that will not be a problem for you."
"Shouldn't be."
…
"Um…we're going to have to unlock the chain to change."
"Yes. Just a moment."
Click
Click
"Thanks."
…
…
rustle
…
Click click
"To bed, then."
"Yes."
"You know…this would make for some weird porn movie."
"Indeed? I've never seen one like that before."
"You watch porn?"
"For educational purposes only. It's fascinating, how people express their sexual urges. One time, I saw…"
"Uh…no, thanks."
"Ah. Good night, then."
"Good night."
…
"Ryuuzaki?"
"Yagami-kun?"
"Couldn't you have gotten…you know…a longer chain?"
"Longer?"
"Yes, longer."
"Why?"
"Are you serious? No, dumb question. Never mind. This thing is only a few feet long."
"It seemed to me that such a length would be sufficient. We are rarely out of each other's sight during the day, by design. Any surplus length would become a nuisance."
"Yes, it would. But this isn't anywhere near being too long. Look – when I roll over it's going to pull. See?"
"Not very much."
"No, not until you roll over."
"That is unlikely to happen. I sleep on my back."
(sigh) "Of course you do."
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing. Never mind."
"Yagami-kun?"
"What?"
"Have you ever done this before?"
"What? Sleep chained up to another guy while being under suspicion of being a serial killer with supernatural powers? No, can't say I have."
"You are angry with me about this."
"Yes. No, not really. Maybe not. It just…I don't know."
"You agreed to this readily. Have you changed your mind?"
"No. You're right…it's the best way to alleviate your suspicions. I just hadn't anticipated the…strangeness of it."
"I see. I had not, either."
"Heh."
"What?"
"That's a first. Neither of us foreseeing such an obvious result, of our own actions, too."
"That is a first. Perhaps we are losing our edge, Yagami-kun."
"No, I don't think so. It's just been so long since we've paid attention to eating and sleeping that when something comes along to disrupt that which we take for granted, it takes us by surprise."
"That makes sense. It has been a long time since I have thought about sleep."
"How long do you sleep at night?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Seriously? You know why I'm asking. I'm usually out at least five hours, more like six or six-and-a-half when it's been a long day. But you already know that."
"Yes, I do. And I will be quiet when you are asleep. Each hour of sleep that I might cost you would reduce your usefulness to the investigation by twenty-one percent."
"Thank you."
…
"I do sleep for less time than you do. I will occupy myself quietly during that time."
"Doing what?"
…
"Oh no. Hell no. I can't sleep with you sitting there like that."
"Why is that? I am making no noise and placing no demands upon you."
"Dammit, Ryuuzaki, nobody can sleep when there's someone right there staring. It's…unnerving. And anyway, it's not like I'm going to confess to being Kira in my sleep."
"You do talk in your sleep, though."
"I…do?"
"Nobody has told you that?"
"No."
"You've never slept with another person in the room?"
"Not in years. Not since I was little."
"Ah. So that means that you've never…"
"That is none of your business."
"I had suspected as much."
"You can stop this line of questioning at any time, you know."
"So Misa…"
"Is annoying. And that is all."
"For now."
"For now. You know, that request of yours earlier was way out of line. Not to mention, nearly impossible. Even if I did find her interesting in that way – which I don't – it just wouldn't be right to use her like that."
"No, it would not be. But it may be necessary. I have been unable to think of another way to determine the extent of her involvement."
"Look. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"
"Yes. Perhaps sleeping on the question will bring additional insight."
"My point exactly. Good night, Ryuuzaki."
"Good night, Yagami-kun."
…
"You'll be able to sleep better lying down, you know."
"That is not necessary. I sleep perfectly well sitting up."
"Well, I'll be able to sleep better if you lie down and stop staring at me."
"In that case, I will do so."
"Thank you."
…
…
…
"Yagami-kun?"
"…what is it, Ryuuzaki?"
"Do you mind if I eat?"
"…eat?"
"Yes. There is a box of chocolate-covered cherries just over there. I believe that I can reach them if you lean slightly to the right."
"Oh, all right. Then can I sleep?"
"Yes."
"That enough?"
"Yes. Thank you. My apologies for disturbing you."
…
Rustle
Crunch
…
Chomp
…
Gulp
…
…
Rustle
Crunch
…
Chomp
…
Gulp
…
…
…
…
Rustle
Crunch
"DO YOU MIND?"
"Am I making too much noise?"
"YES!"
"That is strange. I did not think that I…"
"Dammit. Normally, you don't. Your eating can be a little graceless, but usually it's not noisy. But it's so quiet in here that I can hear you very clearly."
"I am sorry."
"And…oh hell. There are chocolate crumbs in the bed now…"
"I am sorry that I am such an unsatisfactory…roommate."
"No, it's not that…"
"It has been a long time since I have shared a bed with anyone in any capacity. Not since I was very small."
"Had to bunk with a brother or something?"
"No. I was…I had to share with another boy at the home."
"The home…an orphanage?"
"I am not going to answer that."
"I know."
…
"What are you doing now?"
"Wiping the crumbs off of the bed. Please roll to your left. – Ow!"
"Sorry. Forgot about the chain for a moment."
"No harm done."
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"Cleaning up after yourself."
"I will be more careful in the future."
"Appreciated."
"Cherry?"
…
"Why not."
…
Crunch
Crunch
…
"Not bad."
"One of my favorites."
"Ryuuzaki?"
"Yagami-kun?"
"Do you ever eat anything but sweets?"
"No."
"They don't make you sick."
"No."
"Don't keep you up all night?"
"Probably."
"So…when do you sleep?"
"At night."
"I hate it when you are deliberately obscure."
"You do the same thing."
"That's why I hate it."
"I require few hours of sleep."
"…and these bedsheets are far too fresh to have been used. I am suspicious of you, Ryuuzaki. Eighty-five percent certainty, if you like."
"Of what do you suspect me?"
"Of sleeping in your chair in front of the computer every night. You haven't used this bed once, have you?"
"No, I have not."
"But you said that you sleep on your back."
"When I use a bed, yes, I do. I haven't in a long time."
"You're weird."
"And you're Kira."
"So you keep telling me. What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing, at the moment. And there is nothing you can do about how I sleep."
"So, according to the current theory, I'm a self-righteous serial killer with supernatural powers and you're a near-diabetic insomniac with an aversion to proper posture."
"So it would seem."
"Well, it's good that we have that straight."
"Yes, it is."
"At least I can prove my thesis. You can't prove yours."
"Not yet."
"Not ever. Because it isn't true."
"This can wait until tomorrow."
"Yes, it can."
"Cherry?"
"Those are good."
"Watari gets them for me from a small shop downtown."
"Lucky you."
Crunch
…
"Very good."
"Yagami-kun…are you gay?"
"WHAT?"
"Are you gay?"
"I heard you the first time. What…who…what right do you have to ask me that?"
"You show no sign of attraction to Misa, nor to any of the other young women you saw at university. I have yet to see any evidence of any sexual activity at all – "
"And you never will."
" – so I am wondering if you prefer men."
"I am not going to answer that. It's none of your business."
"Perhaps not."
"What, do you think if I were Kira, I'd tell you that I was gay?"
"Possibly."
"Well, I'm not Kira, and I'm not going to tell you one way or another about the other question. And no, I'm not going to jump you in bed, for any reason."
"I did not think that you would."
"…so that's it. You're just messing with me."
"Perhaps."
"Mind if I have another of those cherries?"
"Please do."
…
THUNK!
"Ow! What was that?"
"That was for asking me questions just to tweak me."
"That was a waste of a perfectly good cherry. And doubtless it left more crumbs."
"Don't worry. I think it landed on the foot of the bed. You can still eat it."
"Ah, here it is."
THUNK!
"And that was for…"
"Being Kira. If you are. If you are not, it was for throwing the cherry at me in the first place."
"Ryuuzaki?"
"Yagami-kun?"
"How long can you keep that up? The 'is he or isn't he' contingency planning?"
"As long as it takes, one way or another. But you know that already."
"Just wanted to ask. Cherry?"
"Are you going to throw it at me?"
"Would you refuse me if you knew I was going to?"
"…no."
"Thanks."
…
Crunch
Gulp
…
"You know, I just thought of something that you've probably never experienced."
"What would that be?"
"Come closer?"
"Closer?"
"Yes. Right here. In front of me. Like that."
"What…"
"Your hair is soft. Did you know that?"
"I haven't put much thought into it, no."
"Well, it is. Close your eyes."
"What are you…"
"Close your eyes. Don't worry. I swear I'm not going to kill you, even if I could."
"…fine."
…
SQUISH!
"What the…"
"Ryuuzaki, you know what that is."
"That is…that is a piece of the chocolate cake from earlier."
"Yep."
"But why did you need to smash it across my face?"
"Because I'm guessing that in however many years you've been alive, you have never been in a good, honest-to-God food fight."
"A food fight? No. It always seemed a very wasteful idea…"
SMUSH!
"…bery wishhhfurr."
"You're down two to nothing."
(ptooey) "I didn't know that people keep score in a food fight."
"No, they really don't. But it's no fun if you don't retaliate."
"Yagami-kun, we're far too old for this."
"Do you think so?"
…
SPLAT!
"That's the spirit! Good aim, too…"
"Not really. I was aiming for your hair."
"Oh no. Not the hair. Anything but…"
WHAM!
"…the hair…"
…
"You're smiling. I can hear it."
"Smiles are inaudible."
"I can hear it."
WHAP!
"…so, Ryuuzaki?"
"I believe the correct phrase is, 'It's on.'"
"That's more like it!"
BZZZZT
"Mmmmfff…"
"…whazzat..."
WHAP!
"…nothing…"
…
BZZZZT
"…damn it."
…
"Ryuuzaki? You awake?"
…
"What the hell…happened…"
"...my meringues. My meringues..."
…
"So that's what's all over my foot…"
"We will need to change the sheets."
"I need a shower. Badly. And – heh. So do you."
knock knock
click
"Good morning! Rise and shine!"
"Oh God, it's Matsuda…"
"Ryuuzaki, Light-kun, did you sleep w…what happened in here?"
…
"Matsuda, I have just had my first food fight."