Title: The Theory
Summary: "I am not a lesbian!" Hermione said, exasperated. "Yes, you are. Just admit it. Millicent would love to have you," Draco insisted. "I like boys!" He raised an eyebrow. "Prove it by kissing a guy then." OOC One-Shot.
Draco Malfoy watched as Hermione Granger sat inbetween her two male best friends. He snorted. It was almost humanly impossible to avoid all sexual encounters with two boys always hanging around your every limb but Hermione had done it. She had not done a single thing with either one even though both boys had drooled over her at one time or another. Gossip drifted from house to house quickly and if they had even looked at each other funny, rumors would have spread like wild fire. Draco's investigations proved themselves to be vain and time consuming. They had done nothing, nothing at all. Weasley and Potter had never made a move on her and he found it very strange. He had a theory as to why Hermione had never been naughtily fondled by her fellow companions.
Hermione Granger was a lesbian.
Now, Draco had, what he assumed to be, concrete evidence as to why he strongly believed she was a homosexual. He had been studying her for quite some time now as to understand her odd behavior with her two friends and his observations mildly supported his belief.
Multiple times he had caught her staring at Pansy Parkinson's behind—only because he was staring as well. It was her best asset, even though he hated to admit it. Many a time, Potter would nudge Hermione and her cheeks would pink instantaneously. An obvious secret was circulating their posse.
Draco also never understood why she had broken up with Viktor Krum. Weasley had been rejoicing loudly when she wasn't around so it wasn't much of a secret for long. Krum was an all-star Quidditch player and girls were practically standing in line just to be near him. Hermione, definitely not the prettiest girl—if she was even pretty at all—was the one who actually got Krum all tangled up in love. She wasn't very easy, not even in the slightest way, so that was no excuse as to why he liked her so much. Draco was amazed at why she would push him away. On top of that, had they done anything remotely sexual, that news would have been all over the papers. 'Bulgarian Bon-Bon and Hogwarts Bookworm Get Frisky!' or something like that.
Worst, yet nonetheless most important of all, was his most convincing piece of confirmation about his hypothesis. Hermione had walked into the wrong changing room after a Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor. She was bouncing off of the walls with excitement at her house's easy win and next thing she knew, she was in the mistaken room. It was an easy confusion; they were, after all, right next to each other. Hermione was faced with a "sweaty, dirty, shirtless, muscular, and delicious", as he said, Draco Malfoy and what she did when she saw this "stunning" man was blasphemous—or so he vehemently thinks.
She rolled her eyes and walked out.
He was in total and complete shock. That was when he was convinced she was a lesbian because, of course, only a lesbian would do that to such a "sexy individual", as he liked to put it.
The Slytherin was not against homosexuals at all, especially lesbians. Draco was all for the cause. He just wanted Hermione to come out of the closet already. The only openly gay person in 7th year was Millicent Bulestrode, even though there were plenty who were fruitlessly trying to cover up their gayness. Millicent was no where near attractive. Hell, she was hideous but Draco thought that since there were no other lesbian confessions at Hogwarts, Granger would have to make due with Millicent. It's not like Hermione could get pregnant with the lagoon monster's babies.
Ah, the wonders of being a gay woman. And man, too. Draco shuddered at the thought.
All he needed to do was to corner Hermione and make her come out with the truth. It couldn't be too hard after a nice, persuasive conversation. Draco was, after all, the master of words or so he liked to say. He was convinced that she would easily fess up her well kept secret. Well kept, yes, but Draco knew. He was like a detective—nothing surpassed him.
Hermione ran around the Quidditch pitch every single morning for about 45 minutes. Draco decided it would be an excellent time to talk to her. She was going to be alone and tired from running. Vulnerability was key. Then he'd try and hook her up with Millicent. How cute. Or repulsive, depending on how you looked at it.
Draco peeped into the Quidditch pitch about an hour before breakfast started. Sure enough, Hermione was jogging around its length. She was wearing spandex shorts, a tank top, running sneakers, and her hair was up in a ponytail.
Nice ass. Too bad it's a lesbian ass. The blonde snickered.
He ran into the pitch and followed her around it for a few minutes. She was listening to some sort of muggle contraption. White wires were sticking out of her ears and she was clutching something little and green. Music drifted loudly from the wires and Draco was staring at it so intently, that he stumbled and fell.
Hermione turned around, face contorted into a look of confusion, and pulled the wires from her ears. Draco glared up at it evilly from the ground as the music continued to play with no intention of stopping.
"What in bloody hell are you doing here?" she asked, finally turning the little green thing off.
"No, first of all, what is that?" Draco asked, getting up and pointing at it. "If it's some sort of muggle piece of crap—"
"It's called an Ipod and I put a spell on it so it could work here. I asked Dumbledore if I could, just so you know, since you're so concerned with the rules of Hogwarts."
"Well, it's annoying and your ears are bound to bleed with that music playing so loud."
"Thanks for your care. I didn't know you loved my ears so. Is that all you wanted to know because I really would like to get back to running."
Draco grinned. "I know your secret."
"What secret?" she asked, with a tired and unconvinced look.
"You're sexual preference."
Hermione's eyes darted around the pitch. "I don't know what you're on about."
"It's okay Granger. You'll be accepted. I accept you. Girl on girl is hot stuff."
"I don't have time for these childish games," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm going."
"Why don't you just come to terms with it and come out of the closet?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You're a lesbian!"
Hermione stared at him, incredulously. She then proceeded by bursting out laughing. Tears filled her eyes and she clutched her stomach.
"Not funny!" Draco huffed.
"No, hilarious! What ever gave you the notion that I was gay?"
"Well, you, much like me, seem to enjoy Pansy's ass. Its roundness, plump shape…," Draco's eyes glazed with happiness and reminiscence, "the little bounce it makes every time she takes a step…"
"You're really whacked, you know that?"
"Hey, you like her butt. Confess!"
"There is nothing to confess, you lunatic!"
"Okay, fine, let's continue with my mind blowing evidence. You have never been involved sexually with neither Weasley, Potter, nor Krum. They—"
"How are you so sure?"
"Because the school is full of gossipers," Draco answered, with a 'duh!' face.
"So?"
"…" Damn you Granger, you are disproving my evidence.
"I rest my case. Anything else?"
"You don't fall over when you see me. You're weird…and a lesbian."
Hermione raised her eyebrows high in the air. "I'm a homosexual because I don't salivate at the sight of you?"
"You could have just said drool."
"Dogs drool. And men. I'm neither."
"Inside you're a boy dying to just come out," he said.
"Malfoy, please drop this insane idea that is drifting through your mind," Hermione sighed.
"It's not insane. Besides, I already have the perfect girl for you!"
Hermione snorted and crossed her arms. "Really? Who?"
"Millicent!"
"Bulestrode?!" she exclaimed. "You've got to be kidding me! She looks like Chewbacca!"
"Who???"
"Muggle speak, never mind. When did it occur to your tiny little brain that I would ever be attracted to her?"
Draco shrugged. "She's the only open lesbian. You have no other choice."
"Yes I do. TO LIKE MEN!"
"You really shouldn't deny your heart's true desires."
"My true desire is for you to give up this ludicrous idea."
"Like the rapper?"
"Malfoy, you're really fucking weird!"
"I'm concerned about your homosexuality!"
"Why is that???" she asked, arms spread out in aggravation.
"Because I'm a guy and what guy doesn't want another lesbian hanging around? It's sexy, even if the lesbians aren't that good looking."
"So Bulestrode is sexy?"
"Okay, I take that statement back but you know what I mean."
"You want me to 'come out' so that you may enjoy the fact of knowing that I may be roaming in some crevice of the school kissing a girl?"
"Yes. See, the thing is Granger, while you may not be the prettiest flower in the garden, you are a flower nonetheless. A lesbian flower. I should be able to pick you."
"And Bulestrode?"
"She's more like an annoying weed or shrub that you must discard the garden of. She looks too manly to be a flower but that's good for you, isn't it? Lesbians like manly girls."
"No, you idiot. First of all, it depends on preference but the ones you are talking about aren't manly. They are just androgynous."
"They have masculine features?" Hermione nodded. "So, they're manly?"
She sighed in annoyance. "Sure, whatever."
"How do you know all of this???"
"My cousin is a lesbian."
"Lies! Tell the truth!"
"No! I'm sorry your fantasy can't come true."
"Why? You're a fucking lesbian."
"I am not a lesbian!" Hermione said, exasperated.
"Yes, you are. Just admit it. Millicent would love to have you," Draco insisted.
"I like boys!"
He raised an eyebrow. "Prove it by kissing a guy then."
Draco did a victory dance inside of himself. He knew he had backed Hermione into a corner that she could not escape out of. Any second now she would fall to her knees, screaming her secret out to the heavens and Draco would—
Hermione grabbed his face and kissed him deeply. Draco immediately wrapped his arms around her and put his hands on her bottom. Her fingers entangled into his hair and they kissed each other feverishly. She pulled away, a shy smile playing on her lips and a red tinge creeping up on her cheeks.
"Voila, I proved it. Still hoping I'm a lesbian?" Hermione grinned.
"No, I rather like you as a heterosexual."
"Glad you believe me. Well, it's too late for my run now. I'm going to go eat."
Draco watched as Hermione retreated the pitch and he stared at her swaying behind. She isn't all that pretty but Merlin, can she work what she's got. I wish I was a girl. I'd make her a lesbian and then we'd have girly sex. How hot is that? As new, little fantasies sprouted into his mind, the brunette turned and grinned at him again.
"By the way, I don't have a gay cousin! I'm a bisexual!"
He stared at her in shock as she finally left. So she does like Pansy's ass! THAT'S HOT!
Bisexual?
Oh. How come I never thought of that?
Bisexual…hmm…threesomes with girls!
"Hey Granger! We need to talk!"
Draco ran after her and Hermione laughed at his stupidity.
Boys will be boys.
A/N: A totally random fic that I think is funny, lol. I really enjoyed writing this. It was cool imputing a quality of mine into Hermione, which is my bisexuality. If you're going to comment this and flame it fine but please be atleast a little sensitive to the topic of homosexuality. I don't want to argue political stuff on here, of all places. I hope that if you're offended by this kind of stuff you didn't actually decide to read it because then that is totally your fault. Anywho, enough of the serious stuff! Haha, just in case you are wondering, I am referring to the rapper Ludacris up there, lol. I hope you read, enjoyed, and will review!