A/N: I know I shouldn't... I know that I REALLY shouldn't, but I have to. It's a desperate need to write something, and this happened to come out. Please understand that I have NEVER seen the fourth, fifth or sixth seasons. I am writing this blindly and in my own way. I will make it known that I don't particularly like Lorelai and that I can't write her worth shit. I'm so sorry to anyone who reads this who loves her... my apologies.

My Latest Mistake

Chapter One

Reasons - Part One

Rated T

Jess tried to steady his trembling hands. His mind was screaming at him. When had he turned into… this? Closing his eyes, he wrapped his arms around his waist and shrunk down to the ground with a loud moan. There were other men in the room, but he couldn't focus on them. Most of them were going through the same problems he was… withdrawal.

How long had it been since that night? He could barely remember… it was almost his twenty first birthday, but still he hadn't managed to pull himself together. She had refused him. Out and out refused him. What she did to him was the equivalent to ripping his heart out and showing it to him on a silver platter. After that night, he hadn't spent a single day sober. Over a year… and he couldn't remember any day after that.

"Where's a phone?" he groaned, but no one replied. They were too occupied. This was supposed to be a 'rehab'. For him, it was a miniature torture chamber.

"I need… I need a phone," he said again, stumbling forward as the world shook around him and poured him to his knees. "Help me!"

"What's the matter?" someone asked… maybe a nurse? Hopefully it was a nurse. He needed to get out of here.

"Phone, please… I need to call someone," he begged, grabbing a hold of their pants. A swift kick to the face was his response and a muttered insult echoed somewhere in the confines of his mind.

"What does a junkie need a phone for?" the guy scoffed. This was great bedside manner. He would really have to brag about these assholes to what ever junkie-based reporters he could manage to snag.

"My uncle… he can help me," Jess tried again, and the guy seemed to hesitate.

"You have family?" it was almost as though this were a hard reality to accept. "Where is he?"

"Connecticut… Stars Hollow," Jess stammered and his stomach heaved. "I'm going to be sick."

"Jesus!" the guy grunted, lifting Jess to his feet and shoving him over by the toilet, where Jess happily sacrificed what little food was left in his stomach to the bowl.

The world swam in his vision. He could barely make out any details, but it was a little less fuzzy than it was before. Crawling up the wall, he managed to get to his feet. It was definitely an improvement. Turning, he felt the world swim and struggled to keep his footing.

"Do you know his number?" the guy asked, and the bright glow of a cell phone opening drove his attention to where the guy was standing. In his mind, before he'd actually been able to see enough to get a picture of the guy, he'd seen someone tall, muscular and strong to match the deep voice. Instead, he got someone around his height with a body made out of wire and Harry Potter-like glasses. The picture made him blink for a second, and the guy's fiery red hair stood out like a torch.

"Are you listening to me?" the guy grumbled again, giving him a glare out of pair of bright green eyes.

"Yeah, sorry…" Jess mumbled Luke's number and felt his legs shake beneath his body, struggling to hold him up and losing the war.

"How long have you been in here?" the guy asked, kneeling down beside the broken man on the ground.

"I don't know… a week, maybe?" Jess shrugged, wrapping his arms around himself again to try to hold himself together.

"What's your name?" the guy asked, even as Jess heard the phone ringing.

"Jess… Jess Mariano," Jess stated, and suddenly he realized how this was going to sound. The tens of thousands of other times he almost called them sprung into his mind, and he almost told the guy to stop, but then his body surged and sent him into a seizure. He'd had them before, on the other times he's attempted to quit, but never this bad. His world went black, and when he woke up, he was lying in a bed on his side and there was yelling going on just outside the room.

"This place is a dump! You shouldn't be caring for… people like this in a place like this!" the person shouted, and Jess cringed, trying to block out the sounds.

"This is the only free rehab clinic on this side of New York. They take what they get, and if it fucks up their life, hey, it's no worse than what would happen out there," the guy that he'd come to recognize by the torch-red hair scoffed in return.

"I think he's awake," the same someone muttered, a female. Jess tried to place the voice. It was a desperate activity in futility. There was no face, no recognition. It was like his memory was gone. Is this what it felt like to be sober?

"Jess?" someone grunted, and the voice instantly struck a chord in his memory. Luke. That was his uncle. Pressing his eyes closer shut, he groaned and tried to sit up.

"Don't get up," Torch told him, shoving Jess back down onto the mattress.

"Don't touch him," Luke growled, and Jess could almost see Torch rolling his eyes.

"I'm fine…" Jess groaned, but even he could tell that it was a lie. Hell, he couldn't even open his eyes without searing pain.

"I want him moved to Stars Hollow," Luke demanded, and Jess heard something he'd never heard in Luke's voice before: fear. Was it fear for him, or just of this place?

"I can ask my parents…" the woman interjected, but was cut off.

"You don't need to do that, I have enough stored away," Luke objected, and then there was an obvious switch in the conversation. During this entire confrontation, Jess still hadn't been able to open his eyes. He hadn't been able to tell who the woman was. Who would be concerned enough about him to come to this hellhole? Or maybe it wasn't for him, but for Luke.

Slowly the words being said by Torch faded out of his mind. Something about arrangements being made and paperwork, some other shit about money and finally came the shouting match. Jess cringed, groaning and blocking it out. Sweat poured over his forehead and drenched his, now long, brown hair. Gently, someone touched his forehead, attempting to sooth the ache that was obvious on his face.

"It's going to be okay," the person said. She was trying to be supportive… to be kind and reassuring, but all he could think of was that she didn't give a damn about him, just about Luke. Her voice wasn't making sure that he was okay to be okay, it was making sure he was okay so that Luke wouldn't break. The thought made him angry enough that he tried to push her away.

"Leave me alone," he muttered, shoving at the hand still pushing his hair off his forehead.

"Luke, he's running a bad fever," the woman stated, freezing the argument.

"How much?" Luke sighed.

"Give me two grand and I'll leave out the paper work," Torch stated.

"Done," Luke grunted and there was the sound of a pen that Jess supposed was the writing of a cheque, and then the echoing footsteps of someone leaving.

"We need to get him out of here," the woman stated, and Jess risked opening his eyes. He saw a tiny glimpse of brown hair and blue eyes that made him gasp. It wasn't Rory, he would have recognized her, but he finally had a face to go with the voice… it was Lorelai.

"I'll carry him," Luke assured her, and Jess felt a soft weightlessness around him as he was lifted off the bed and pressed against his uncle's chest. Absently, he related the sights and smells of the moment to many, many years ago. He had been what… five? There had been a bad flu running around and he had caught it. Liz was too busy to attempt to take care of him, so Luke had been called to play nurse. Jess didn't remember many of those days, he'd been too sick, but he did remember quite a few of the smells.

While lopping about in his uncle's embrace, he felt his consciousness slip and gave in to the blackness that had been begging all night to hold him. Was this going to be a new start? Was it going to be like last time… where he got to Stars Hollow and everyone just stared at him like he was the grease spot marring their perfect world? It would probably be worse now. They would all know about how badly he'd screwed up. They would know how much Rory had screwed up his life.

A little less than two hours later, the truck halted to a stop and Jess jerked back to life. The world smelt different, it smelt like… hell. His version of hell, that was, Stars Hollow. Groaning, he hid his face away in the pillows that were hidden beneath his head. One of his hands was numb and his foot felt like it was on fire. Scrunching his eyes closed, he barely felt himself being carried out of the truck again. A little less than ten minutes later, he was unconscious.

-gGg-

"Will he be alright?" Lorelai asked Luke a bit sullenly.

"He'll be fine… I think," Luke replied gruffly. Lorelai had claimed to want to come, yet he'd felt the coldness radiating off of her at the very mention of Jess.

"How long will he be here?" she continued, glaring a little bit at the figure tossing and turning miserably on the couch.

"I don't know, however long he wants to say here," Luke shrugged, attempting to keep his tone as unthreatening as possible, but he knew what was coming and he wanted to avoid it to the best of his abilities.

"Rory…" Lorelai started, and then abruptly stopped.

"He won't be seeing her," Luke shrugged, turning away to look at Jess's sleeping form again.

"I guess not," Lorelai sniffed, and he hugged her close to him in an attempt to comfort her.

"I can't believe he called me," Luke breathed, his eyes never tearing from the sleeping form on the bed.

Lorelai was silent in his arms, for once. The moment slipped from tense to comforting after a few moments, when Luke was finally able to look away from his nephew back to the woman in his arms.

"So you'll be staying here tonight?" she asked, obvious disappointment on her face.

"I want to be here if he needs help," Luke explained.

"Alright… goodnight," Lorelai offered a small, sad smile and a last glance at Jess before departing the room.

"How long have you been awake?" Luke muttered, glancing away from the bed.

"Where's Rory?" Jess coughed in return.

"She's living with her grandparents," Luke answered honestly, feeling no need to hide where she was.

"Why's she there?" Jess muttered, sitting up a little bit on the bed and trying desperately to keep himself from coughing anymore.

Luke, seeing the coughing fit as something negative, poured a glass of water and drifted over to the bed, handing the water to Jess hesitantly. At first it almost looked like the younger man would actually be able to hold the glass, but soon his hand was shaking and the water was pouring all over the bed.

"Here," Luke offered, grabbing the glass and helping Jess drink it.

"Jeez," Jess moaned after a few sips. "I feel like a fucking vegetable."

"What were you taking?" Luke demanded instead of going with the smartass comment.

"Y'know… a little bit of this, a little bit of that," Jess evaded. "Did Lorelai help you redecorate?"

"No, and don't try to distract me. If I'm going to help you, I need to know what you were taking," Luke pressed.

"Because it seriously looks like there's a woman's touch here. Don't tell me that you're back with that Nicole woman," Jess coughed out, continuing to evade.

"Jess," Luke groaned, helping him with a little bit more water.

"One woman wasn't enough for you?" Jess attempted at humor, but it was brushed off with a sigh. "How long have you and Lorelai…?"

"Since your mum's wedding," Luke answered, and then looked at Jess expectantly.

"I don't know what I took," Jess finally admitted. "I just… it was whatever was there. Whatever I could get my hands on to chase the world away."

"Why the hell did you do it?" Luke asked with a mixture of horror and disbelief.

"You can't tell me that you didn't at least paint," Jess returned to his distraction method.

"Jess," Luke replied warningly.

"It looks good, though. I'm glad that you didn't touch my side of the apartment," Jess continued, ignoring his uncle's looks.

"Go back to sleep," Luke grumbled, placing the water on the night table. "Do you need anything else?"

"The name of your decorator, I'm going to give it to those assholes back at the clinic," Jess mocked.

"Goodnight," Luke shook his head, marching away in an attempt at a fuming cloud, but beneath the act, he was silently glad to have Jess around again. Even with Lorelai and the town, he'd been lonely. There'd been no one there to just… talk to. Jess provided that annoying voice that pointed out the obvious that no one wanted to see. Lorelai was good at nonsense and when Rory was around, she'd been good at subtly hinting, but Jess was the only person he knew who was blunt about this of that sort. An amused smile formed on his face when he thought about Taylor… Occasionally the lemons life dealt you were already doused with enough sugar that all you had to do was juice them.