A/N:So, this is a little spoof or "abridged" version of Heroes I wrote when I was bored. I've been posting it on my blog, but I've decided to try fanfiction so that more people can see it.

I'm going to put up each episode as a chapter...

Disclaimer: Tim Kring owns Heroes, I just make fun of it :-)

Also, the title "Heroes: Abridged" is sort of taken from these videos on Youtube called "Yugioh: The Abridged Series" which are a million times funnier than this, whether you've seen Yugioh or not!

Anyway, here's episode 1:

Episode 1: Genesis

Mohinder: I get to talk about human nature, but I know you all are just wondering why Peter's jumping off a building...
Peter: I can flyyyyyyyyyyy!
Mohinder: Anyway, so, humans like to question things...

NYC

Simone: Yo, are you sleeping or taking care of my dad?
Peter: Sorry, I was having this amazing dream where I was flying while some Indian guy rambled about human nature.
Simone: Well, that's cool. Thanks for taking such good care of my dad. You've been like a son to him.
Peter: Son? How about "son-in-law?"
Simone: Jeez, that was smooth. Sorry, but I'm dating this weird heroine addict right now.

Madras, India

Mohinder: Cockroaches are waaaaay cooler than humans. I'll bet that God is actually a cockroach!
Vishnu: I know I say that I can be worshiped in any form, but a cockroach? C'mon!
Mohinder: Um...anyway, back to genetics. Humans might evolve to get superpowers, just like in X-men! Isn't that awesome?
Class: ...
Mohinder: Nevermind. Class dismissed.
Other Professor: Mohinder, we need to talk
Mohinder: Yeah, I know I sound like my father, but his ideas were off the hook!
Other Professor: Um...about your father...he's dead.
Mohinder: OMG I better go to his apartment and figure out how he got killed
Other Professor: In a car accident, of course.
Mohinder: No way, he was killed for his crazy ideas! I'll bet the guys from Marvel Comics did it!
HRG:on his phone Look, can I call you back? I'm busy being the suspicious guy looking through the Indian guy's apartment...
Mohinder: ACK! RUN AWAY!

Las Vegas

Nikki: Hey, male viewers! Are you enjoying this?
Nikki: Hm...Why is this mirror staring at me? Oh well, I gotta go take care of my genius kid.
Micah: Hey, mom. I got completely ready for school, and started building a computer motherboard while you were "working" in the garage.
Nikki: I'm only doing that for your own good! Now, we have to sneak out the back door so those thugs don't kill both of us.

Odessa, Texas

Claire: For some reason, I'm recording my attempts to kill myself.
Zach: Don't worry; I'm sure it's a smart idea to tape it so ANYONE can find it!

NYC, again

Peter: Jeez, another weird dream. At least this one didn't have some Indian guy doing a voice over
Nathan: Heeey, Little brother. What's up?
Peter: Well-
Nathan: Sorry, too busy being a jerk/politician to care.
Peter: I keep having weird prophetic dreams. I think I can fly.
Nathan: Right. Go fly away and quit bothering me then. You're screwing up my image.
Peter: Brothers are supposed to understand these things!
Nathan: Great, I've got an insane brother and a criminal mother. Can this day get any worse?

Odessa, Texas

Claire: I'm a freak! This is terrible!
Zach: No, it's awesome! Besides, if it's so bad, why'd you have me tape it?
Claire: Mostly to use as a plot point.
Zach: Well, I think it's cool.
Claire: I'm sorry, on top of all my other lame, cheerleader related problems, now I have to worry about being a freak. That's not my idea of cool.
Zach: Well, do you want me to give you a ride home?
Claire: No, but as your reward for taping my attempts to kill myself, you have the honor of me talking to you in school.
Zach: You'll talk to me?!? With this sort of leverage, I could force you to lick my shoes in public!
Claire: Why would you want to do that?
Zach: I don't know...I'm just saying. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Tokyo, Japan

Hiro: I'm pretty much the coolest character on this show! Who doesn't love chubby little nerds?!?
Ando: Remind me again why I'm friends with you?
Hiro: Because, you and I make the most awesome comic relief ever? But guess what?!? I decided to randomly test if I could stop time, and it worked! Isn't that awesome?
Ando: No.
Hiro: You're just jealous that I can be like Spock, and you can't.
Boss: OK, NERD, BACK TO YOUR CUBICLE.
Ando: Nice, now I can continue to watch this hot American stripper...

Las Vegas

Principal: Your son is a genius, but this school is for people with money. Sorry.
Nikki: WTH??? I gave you money!
Principal: Well, but we want lots of money.
Nikki: You make me ANGRY. You don't want to see me when-
Principal: Lady! This TV show takes enough from comic book superheroes already!
Nikki: C'mon, Micah! Let's leave this lousy place!
Jessica: Hello!
Nikki: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID REFLECTION!!!

NYC

Nathan: MOM! How the heck am I gonna win this election if you're stealing socks?
Peter: Quit whining, jerk, leave Mother alone.
Nathan: continues ranting
Peter: Why don't you go ahead and keep being an annoyingly selfish politician. This situation is for me, the sensitive one.
Nathan: Fine. I've got more masculine things to worry about.
Peter: So, were they nice socks?
Mother: You need to stop being so sensitive. It's why your brother takes advantage of you.
Peter: What are you talking about? Me and Nathan are closer than Turk and JD!
Mother: Any idiot can tell that he thinks you're a loser.
Peter: Then how do you explain that on the night of his major car accident, I woke up and somehow knew about it?
Mother: Sure, and I'll bet that you also fly and have weird dreams with voice-over narration...

Las Vegas

Micah: Mom, I don't want to stay at your boring friend's house!
Nikki: Sweety, I need you to be safe while I try and figure out how to pay back a mob boss...
Nikki's Friend: What did you do now?
Nikki: Listen, I'm stressed, in debt, dealing with a genius kid, and I think my reflection is stalking me. Give me a frickin break!

Odessa, Texas

Zach: Sweet! A big train accident!
Claire: A chance for me to use my powers for good! Are you recording this?
Man in fire: A cheerleader? How are you going to carry me out of this burning wreckage?
Claire: I dunno, but I'm doing it anyway.
Firefighter: OMG...you were on fire and don't have a single burn!
Claire: Go save the other guy while I run away!

NYC

Landlord: Ok, here's your father's apartment.
Mohinder: Oh no! The suspicious guy must have got in here too!
Landlord: How do you plan on paying rent?
Mohinder: I got a job as a stereotypical Indian cab-driver.
Landlord: You learned your way around NYC and got an American driver's license that fast?
Mohinder: Um...yes. Yes I did.
Landlord: Ok, that's totally believable. I'll go get your application.
Mohinder: EWW! Cockroach! Kill it!
Cockroach: Hey, I thought I was your God! AAAH!

Elsewhere in NYC

Isaac: I'm a crazy, troubled artist and heroine addict!
Simone: Why am I dating you, exactly?
Isaac: I these paintings are evil! They show the future!!!
Simone: What???
Isaac: Look, see! I can paint the future when I'm high! I'm a freak!
Simone: I'll put you back in rehab. Let me help you!
Isaac: NO! Leave me alone so I can brood.

Nathan: Guess what, Peter? I've spent a million dollars, but nobody will ever know that our mom stole some socks!
Peter: Nathan, this little act of hers was a desperate plea for attention. Maybe we should-
Nathan: Oh, guess what else? I got you a job. See, you're as cute and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as good at politics as one. I'm a wonderful politician, but I have no people skills. So, I need your help!
Peter: But why me?
Nathan: Peter, what have we always said is the most important thing?
Peter: Breakfast?
Nathan: Family, George Michael. So, if I let the world know that I put family, including my annoying overly-sensitive, yet wonderfully adorable brother first, I'll definitely win!
Peter: Did you listen to me when I told you I could fly? No.
Nathan: Dude, you're no longer playing what's his face on Gilmore Girls. Grow up!
Peter: Well, I have a job already.
Nathan: Yeah, you're a male nurse. Next thing you know, you'll be marrying someone who's dad was in the CIA...
Peter: Leave me alone. I have to go brood.

Mohinder: Like my new taxi? I learned to drive it around NYC pretty quick.
Peter: It's nice. Oooh, pretty eclipse!
Mohinder: Yes, it shows us how small we all are.
Peter: You sound familiar...I feel like I've heard your voice in a similar philosophical talk somewhere
Mohinder: Yeah, I'm into philosophical discussions and lectures about genetics.
Peter: Hey, so am I! So, do you think that anyone is special?
Mohinder: Everyone is. Didn't you watch Barney when you were little?
Peter: That purple dinosaur gave me nightmares...but that's not what I mean.
Mohinder: Well, some people have cooler genetic codes, and they're more special. It's all evolution. Giraffes got longer necks, and humans get weird powers. It makes sense.
Peter: Cool. I wonder what all those special people are doing now.
Mohinder: Probably watching the eclipse, which as we all know, happens at the same time all over the planet.

Las Vegas

Nikki: I better photograph this eclipse for Micah while the thugs are in my house...
Thugs: We'll lower your debt if you let us exploit you.
Nikki: You're making me angry...
Thugs: So what? Are you gonna go all Hulk on us?

Tokyo

Hiro: Still bragging about my superpowers, here! Don't you realize how awesome this is?
Ando: Who cares? Superpowers are useless. Clark Kent's got 'em, but is Lana pregnant with his child?
Hiro: Don't you ever read any comics? I have to save the world and find my destiny.
Ando: Whatever, I need a drink. Let's go to that place that still plays Backstreet Boys music.
Hiro: So, time isn't a line, that's why you can bend it. I learned it from X-men
Writers: See? Now the show is an homage, not a rip-off!
Ando: I really don't know how much you can trust comic books on physics...
Hiro: I'm so excited! I have superpowers. I'm the most awesome nerd, ever.
Fans: You can say that again!
Ando: Why don't you teleport to the girls' bathroom then? It'll make for some good comic relief.
Hiro: Ok!

Las Vegas

Nikki: Ugh...am I having a hangover? I don't remember drinking-- ACK! Blood! I'll bet my weird reflection killed those guys!

NYC

Peter: You know it might not be a good idea for us to be on screen at the same time; you'd better drop me off here before the fangirls die of hotness overload.
Mohinder: I hope the next guy I have to drive is as nice as him!
HRG: Going through people's apartments is exhausting. I can't wait to get home to my family.
Mohinder: Hm...This guy looks suspicious.
HRG: So, I see that you have the same last name as a famous genetics professor? But I guess that you're not necessarily related.
Mohinder: Oh! I just remembered; My shift is over! BYE!
HRG: How am I supposed to get to the airport now?!?

Texas

Claire's Mom: Blahblahblahblah, Mr. Muggles, blahblahblah
Lyle: What kind of name is Mr.Muggles? Someone's reading too much Harry Potter.
Claire: Sorry I'm late for dinner; I was busy trying to hurt myself.
Claire's Mom: That's nice, honey. So, did anyone do anything special?
Claire: I walked through fire and didn't get burned.
Claire's Mom: Wow, are you being philosophical? That's awesome. Kinda like this Indian guy I once met...
Claire: It's comforting to know that we're not actually related sometimes.

Tokyo

Hiro: Ok, time for the promised comic relief!
Girls: Who left this nerd in the bathroom?!?
Hiro: Woohoo! I got kicked out of a bar, but I teleported!
Ando: Oh, for God's sake! You can't bend time and space. Nobody can! Why on earth do you want to be different??
Hiro: Because it's AWESOME BEING DIFFERENT!!!!!
Ando: No it's not! If you're different, you've got to brood and whine about it like everyone else on this show!
Hiro: Fine. You can be boring. Like yogurt. I'll be special.
Ando: Nobody's special! Especially not us! We're Japanese!
Hiro: According to IMDb, you're Korean.
Ando: That's beside the point. But fine, you can be "super-hiro"

NYC

Peter: Simone, what are you frantically searching for?
Simone: Morphine. I need you to come help my crazy boyfriend.
Peter: Well, I was talking to this philosophical cab driver, and I'm starting to think that I have a greater purpose than taking care of dying people.
Simone: My boyfriend is more important right now. Come on!

Odessa, Texas

Claire: In case the last Hiro/Ando scene wasn't funny enough, you can watch me stick my hand in this garbage disposal.
Claire's Mom: Honey, I want to connect with you...
Claire: So...I was actually wondering if I can meet my real parents.
Claire's Mom: Why?
Claire: Well, mostly I'm curious if my dad looks anything like Hugh Jackman...
HRG: Honey, I'm home! So, fans, how many of you ever suspected me to be cheerleader's father?
Claire: Hey, adoptive father! How was your business trip to NYC?
HRG: Quite uneventful, except that my cab driver left me in the middle of a crowded street.

NYC

Simone: Isaac! I brought my nurse to help you!
Peter: There's no way he can paint the future. That's waaaay more impossible than a human flying.
Isaac: Sorry, already ODed here...
Simone: OMG!!!!!
Peter: Hey, the flying guy in this painting is quite handsome. Who's he supposed to be?

Tokyo

Hiro: I don't care what Ando says. I'm still awesome. If only I could go to New York...
Clock: Whoa...suddenly everything is moving so fast!
Hiro: What? I'm in Times Square??? YATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NYC

Mohinder: Narrating again, this time about quests...
Nathan: Peter, why'd you need me to come to this mysterious back alley? And where's that voice about quests coming from?
Peter: I'm gonna jump!
Nathan: Whoa! If you die, do you have any clue what my chances of winning will be?!?
Peter: Look, I can fl-- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Nathan: I can fly too, but only when I need to save my image. Er...I mean brother.
Peter: Oh, Nathan! I've never felt closer-
Nathan: Whoops...butterfingers!
Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

To be continued...

A/N: Well, that's episode 1. I'm going to attempt to add a new one every week, but I'm not making any promises. Chances are big that the hiatuses here will be longer than the actual shows :-P

Sorry, but I'm a busy person! Reviews are definitely good encouragement for me to hurry up though ;-)