Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz

This will probably end up as one of my random crap stories, and drag on for 27 or more chapters, involving Tobi, and the new member Shniz. And more conventions…. Oh god…

Chapter 1: Shniz

"Attention All Akatsukis, report to the main hall immediately." The leader said through the intercom. "He can wait, yeah. I'm watching Red vs. Blue… yeah." Deidara said, eating some popcorn. "Do it NOW, or I'll cancel Mozzarella Monday and Feeding Frenzy Friday!" The leader said. Everyone stopped what they were doing and rushed to the main hall.

"Welcome All. I have… a question. Why are the Soul Reapers still here?" The leader asked, pointing at the Soul Reapers behind him. "Hey, we still have TWO WEEKS in our vacation. And this is a Pretty Sweet Base. We should get something like this." Byakuya said, looking around. "Well, I thank you for the compliment… but… WHY are you all here at… the same time? Shouldn't you be… oh I don't know… Take shifts or something?" The leader asked. "I mean, for I you know, those Hollow things could be attacking your friends right now." He stated. "Oh no, no. That's impossible. Hollows aren't allowed in the soul society." Byakuya said. "They're…. not allowed in the Human world, and they still go there." The leader said. "Oh… well… we gots a forcefield." Byakuya said, taking out a cell phone. "Wh-where'd get the cell phone!?" The leader asked. "Soul Reapers don't have cell phones!!" The leader pointed to the black Razr in Byakuya's hands. "Well, I do!" Byakuya called Soul Society and put it on speaker.

Hello?

Yeah, it's me Byakuya.

Oh, ok. –ahem- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HOLLOWS!!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!!

…Ok, say hi to the wife and kids for me! –hangs up-

"See? Perfectly UNHARMED." Byakuya said. "B-but-" "UN. HARMED." Byakuya said. "Anyway… wait… where'd you get the money? You're flat broke!!" The leader said. "I got it from your safe." He said plainly. "WHO GAVE YOU THE COMBINATION!?" The leader demanded. "Your friend Deidara over there…with the, uh… mouths on his hands…yeah." Byakuya said, playing a game on his phone. "DEIDARA!? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME POSESSED YOU TO DO SUCH A THING!?" The leader asked angrily. "A BIG BOTTLE OF SCOTCH!! YEAH!!" Deidara slurred, passing out. "Oh god… I have the WORST staff ever… "

……………………………………………………………………………….

"On OTHER terms… We have a new member. Shniz." The leader announced, after everyone got seated. "What's a Shniz!?" Itachi asked. "It's not a thing, it's a person. Our newest member." The leader introduced a short fellow, same size as Tobi, same hair as Tobi, brown hair and eyes, and … American. "Hi, I'm Shniz!' He said in English. (keep in mind, these people are in JAPAN… or what SHOULD be Japan…) "SPEAK JAPANESE!!" Kisame yelled. "Oh, I taught him a little Japanese, please introduce yourself, in Japanese." The leader laughed.

This is what the leader taught him to say:

"Hello, My name is Shniz, and I wanna send in my army and kill all y'all just like we did the Indians!

-drew pistols-

LEADER: Uh… Initiation –giggle-

And… uh… I'm constipated, and wanna use your toilet as my new house… and … you sill live in the basement… and… yeah.

Did I say It right, sir?

LEADER: -pfft- you said it right, Shniz. –pfft- now introduce yourself to Byakuya Kuchiki!

O-ok! Hi, Byakuya, I uh… saw your mom on the internet, and… you wife on "Crackholes Magazine"!

-takes out Zanpakuto-

Did I say something wrong?

LEADER: Ok, I'll tell you what you said, -whispers-

SHNIZ: OMG!! I-I-I'M SO SORRY!!

LEADER: No, no, you're speaking English! Here's how you say it in Japanese:

I saw All yo' mommas on the internet and they know how to get their FREAK on!

ALL: ….. BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS!! –all gangsta-like-

LEADER: Hold on! Guys, it was all a joke, so calm down and…

BYAKUYA: -cuts off leader's arm-

LEADER: Oh, VERY mature, Byakuya. Kakuzu! Get over here, it won't stop bleeding. Anyway, Shniz will say Sorry to you in the following way.

I f$# your moms and it felt good!

All: -runs towards Shniz to kill-

TWO WEEKS LATER

"Ok, Shniz, I'm sorry I made you introduce yourself in the WORST possible way. I'll let you kick me anywhere." Leader said to Shniz, who was in a wheelchair. "Oh wait- you CAN'T! you're in a wheel- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! MY BALLS!!!" The leader was rammed hard in the crotch by a Shniz in a wheelchair. "Bitch…" Shniz said, going to his room. He rammed into Sasori, putting ihim in the hospital. 'AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHK!!" He yelled.

TWO MORE WEEKS LATER

(JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE SOUL REAPERS ARE GONE)

"Oh Hi, Deidara senpai!" Shniz saw Deidara walking down the hall. "Shniz is a good boy!" He said. Tobi, on the other side of the base, flinched. "What!?" He yelled, instantly running towards Shniz. 'WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Tobi yelled. "Oh no… not another one… oh GOD not another one…" Deidara said. "Oh! I forgot to tell you! Since Sasori's in the Hospital, I'm gonna be your new partner, Deidara-senpai!" Shniz said. "What?" Tobi asked in disbelief. "And… Tobi's been moved back to Zetsu's partner." Shniz announced. "And, as a celebration, I brought gifts! Deidara-senpai! I got you an art book and doughnuts!" Shniz handed him the gifts. "What did you get Tobi?" Tobi asked. "Oh… uh… here's a sandwich." Shniz handed him a half-eaten sandwich from his pocket. "What are these bite marks doing here?" Tobi asked. "Oh yeah… I got a little hungry when I first got here." Shniz said. "That was a month ago…" Tobi said, taking a bite of the sandwich. "Oh yeah, it might be a little moldy in there…" Shniz commented. "THAT'S NOT MAYONNAISE!?" Tobi panicked, spitting out the sandwich. "Can I have a doughnut?" Tobi asked. "No. Now go ahead to Zetsu… Shniz, I think this might become a Beautiful friendship…" Deidara said, walking him down the hall. "Eh!? EH!? EEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!?" Tobi yelled.

And that's how the bitter rivalry started.

AND NOW, A CONSTANT BYAKUYA UPDATE ON HOW THEY GET HOME!

"My god… how long is this flight!?" Byakuya asked angrily. "Well… it could take a while… it IS warping dimensions… cut it some slack." Renji said. "-sigh- Why don't we just do it ourselves!?" Byakuya asked. "We already paid for the tickets." Hitsugaya said. "Oh God…" Byakuya said in annoyance

TBC

Note: You can still ask questions for Kisame's corner, and it will be up in a few days. We just need a few more questions…. Yeah. So, you can either start here or review Attack of the Tobi.