A/N: Another Hellsing fic that is actually more shorter than my other story. This in case you haven't know, is a weird little crackfic I made up when I was bored one day. I decided to write this when after reading so many slashes involving my favorite yaoi couple Alucard and Anderson I noticed that half of it includes rape, sexual harrassment, or molestation. And its usually Alucard the one inciting it.

So I decided to do a little twist of my own: What if Anderson was presented with a situation that would make him the one doing the violating on Alucard instead of the other way around? And not only that, Alucard was helpless to fight back, but would Anderson truely do it or would his morals get in the way? That is what we are going to find out folks with a little intervention from our favorite imaginery beings The Good Conscience symbolized by a angel and The Bad Conscience symbolized by a devil.

Enjoy!

Pairings: possible AAxA (Yippee!)

Warning: A lot of slight yaoi jokes and references espeacially in regards to sexual violence and adult language that may not be appropiate for sensitive audiences. As well as alot and I mean ALOT of OOCness. You have been warned!

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. Also this is mostly from Anderson's POV that is why some of the fight scenes look one-sided.

The Blood.

The Violence.

The Control.

How could they not stay away from each other. No, these were not sadomastic lovers. These were enemies plain and simple. Or that was at least what some would like to think. The vampire always had the upper hand, always pinned down the priest and made him submit. It was the same old story. Alucard would prove his prowess over Anderson by any means necessary. And I mean by any means necessary. Yet no matter how many times Anderson was ravished by the dark being, he still kept coming back for more. Not the sex. But the revenge that transpired after that sex. And Father Anderson would damage himself time and time again until there was nothing left of him but the stubborn-as-hell will only to kill that which they called Nostroraftu. And punish him for making a mockery out of his clerical position and celibacy.

Even though he doubted he was celibrate anymore if Alucard kept forcing himself on him.

The sound of guns and blades echoed across that dark alleyway which Father Anderson had chased Alucard into that night. Trash cans were hurled aside when they fisticuffed spreading filthy debris everywhere. During the fight, Alucard had grabbed Anderson by the throat and was about to slam his head against the brick wall when a blade rose in front of him and slashed him across his beautiful eyes blinding him with blood and pain. He let out a scream and dropped Father Anderson quickly just as the paladin raised the same blade again and stabbed him through the gut. The vampire kicked his foot out and hit the paladin swiftly throwing him back into the side of a large garbage dumpster.

In his blind fury, Alucard waved his jackel around firing it everywhere hoping that it would luckly hit Anderson somewhere on his body who was now holding the blade up flat like a shield to keep the bullets from hitting his own face. A stray bullet nearly grazed his shoulder and reqoisheyed off the heavy metal of the dumpster behind him flying back at the vampire that had fired the bullet and struck the side of Alucard's right knee sending him falling like a Jenga game face-down into a pile of garbage. Before he could get back up, Anderson ran over and pressed his foot down on to the back of Alucard's head raising the blade up and piercing it through the lungs where it would cut into his heart onto the other side. The more the blade went smoothly through the vampire's body the harder Anderson pressed the sole of his boots down on the skull of the vampire until he could hear a soft snapping sound from one of his bones.

And then he stopped and took a step back pulling out two more blades while leaving the other one into his nemesis.

"Wow," he sighed,"That almost seemed...too easy..."

He moved his blades in the shape of a cross and waited for Alucard to raise up. He stood there patiently. Two minutes. Three minutes. Four. Finally after five minutes his arms were getting tired and he lowered them down. Wait a minute, he thought, could this mean...?

"YAY!" He shouted, "I DEFEATED ALUCARD!!!I AM THE BEST! I AM THE BEST!"

After during a lame little dance which involved running around in a small circle all over Alucard's motionless body, Anderson returned to his current position behind Alucard. Looking down at his nice, lean, body. He never realized it before, but Alucard was kind of cute when he laid down dead. Yeah...really good...I mean really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, cute...so cute you just want to drag him to a secluded area (other than a dark alleyway) and then take off Alucard's pan-

"NO!" He snapped out of it.

How could think such things!?

It was bad enough that a monster violates you but you fantasing of violating a monster. That is suck-er, sick! SICK! Maxwell would never go for it, and he sure as heck would beat the crap out of him for even suggesting so. Still, that vampire still was starting to look good, he thought again, his eyes gazing over Alucard's back, damn he is fine!

Anderson slapped himself to stop thinking such naughty thoughts. What was wrong with him. Not only was it immoral and degenerate. It would make him a hypocrite. And once more, it would make Anderson just as worse as Alucard, maybe even more. He would show that demon that he was the pure one. That his existence was righteous. And that Alucard derserved going back to hell more so than any other filthy demon on the face of this earth. Besides, this was probably some 'last resort' black magic that Alucard was placing on him so that he would humilate Anderson and get the last word in edgewise. Father Anderson was never going to let that happen.

What if someone saw him doing it in the act?

Alucard would most definitely get a kick out of that!

"And another thing," he thought,"if I was to try and...violate him, I would be just like him, I would never allow myself to do that!"

"Very good!" said a cute little tiny voice,"two wrongs don't make a right!"

On his left shoulder was a little chibi replica of himself in a generic angel outfit complete with wings and a little halo. It seemed to have proofed out of thin air apparently and it sat down on Anderson's shoulder as happy as you please.

"Its wrong, and its immoral, not just to him, but in The Bible," replied his good conscience,"you shouldn't think of touching men like that anyway, even if he was a monster or not, it is just not right!"

"Oh screw it twinkle toes!" shouted a demonic voice coming from his right shoulder,"let him have his fun! Alucard derserves it for what he put our good friend through. Don't cha' buddy, huh?"

Anderson looked over and saw another little being that looked just like him. Even wearing the same priestly robes he dressed in, but unlike his little angelic companion, this one had red horns sticking out of his head and a red spikey tail carrying a pitchfork. And his grin was even more creepier than Anderson cared to imagine. It was his bad conscience.

"Do it! Show him whose boss," urged the devil conscience gestering towards Alucard's body with his pitchfork,"make him suffer, make him wish he had even been immortal, make him feel beaten and used up like he did to you. Its payback time! woot!"

"Now stop it, taking the high road is better in a situation like this," replied the angel conscience,"who are we to judge what Alucard has done, let God punish and give him a trail based on his merits not us, as the bible says 'judge not les ye be judge-"

"Oh shut up!" interrupted the devil conscience,"you wouldn't tell me you don't want to bruise up that piece of ass...come on Father Anderson...just one quickie and he will never know, no one will ever know...not Alucard...not Maxwell...not even The Pope...maybe bite his butt a little..."

"Father Anderson," gasped the angel conscience,"you should not, you didn't like it when he would touch you and rape you why should it be okay for you to do the same?"

"Because its funnnnnnnn," whispered the devil conscience in a sing-song tone,"come on, just one little penetration, he won't feel a thing-"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...?" Father Anderson did nothing but listen to his consciences go back and forth telling him to either do or don't violate Alucard.

What was he to do? Alucard derserved every beating, torture, and embarrassment that hurt. Yet on the other hand, he was not God, what right did he have to do this. But if Alucard didn't know or feel it for that matter, he wouldn't find out, right?

"Take him to The Pope and let him deal with the vampire," said the angel conscience,"that is the right thing to do."

The Anderdevil snorted,"Huh, yeah right, and then have Maxwell take all the credit...over your dead body!"

AnderAngel replied sternly,"He would never do that, he is your friend and respects what you do!"

"And since when has he given him a raise?"

"That dosen't matter!" shouted AnderAngel,"what matters is we leave Alucard alone!"

" 'AnderAngel and Alucard sitting in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love and then comes-' "

"SHUT UP!" screamed AnderAngel,"DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!"

Meanwhile the stunned paladin couldn't help but be forced to hear the two consciences fighting back and forth as he stared down at Alucard; not in lust anymore. Fearfully hoping that he hadn't woken up and figured out what the three of them were talking about. Not wanting to let his guard down by sitting next to Alucard, he leaned against a nearby brick wall and crossed his arms boredly as his two consciences were arguing amongst themselves. His legs were starting to get tired just standing there contemplating the vampire's fate.

"Oh, big words coming from a guy who wears a dress," chided Anderdevil,"what are you going to do? Stab me with your little flowers?"

"Stop it, I am trying to make Anderson do the right thing and you are not even helping!"

"I am his bad conscience that is what I am suppose to do moron!"

"Don't call me a moron!"

"Yeah well you are."

"Look," said AnderAngel turning his attention to Anderson,"raping him is not the right thing to do, just because he is a monster dosen't mean that-"

While AnderAngel was lecturing to Anderson, Anderdevil made a face with his hand and put a little red fedora on it pretending to make out with it and mimicking AnderAngel's voice followed by loud kissing sounds. AnderAngel was trying to practice Jesus's plan of ignoring those that anger you by turning the other cheek and talking loudly over Anderdevil's loud 'make-out' taunt. But it just didn't seem to be working so well.

"'Oh Alucard...you are so hot...kiss kiss kiss kiss," the bad conscience said in a cutsy like angel voice,"'oh yes...yeah right there...I have been a bad angel mister vampire...make out with me...kiss kiss kiss kiss...smoochies!"

"-he used to be human and have feelings," continued AnderAngel getting slightly annoyed,"and...we should forgive our enemies...and...and...I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING BEHIND MY BACK, NOW KNOCK IT OFF!"

"Hahhahahaha, I am getting you all defensive," laughed Anderdevil putting away the small fedora,"what is the matter I thought you like Alucard or are you still going out with Bob?"

"Bob is not my boyfriend," shouted AnderAngel,"he is a good friend of mine and-"

"Yeah, a friend with benefits," Anderdevil whispered to Father Anderson,"maybe I should tell Bob that you are seeing Alucard behind his back oh, that would be so scandalous-"

"Knock it off," screamed AnderAngel,"we are getting off topic here...the point here is-"

"The point is," finished AnderDevil,"that you have the hots for Alucard that is why you want Anderson to leave him alone, because you love him...HAHAHAHA! YOU'RE GAY!"

"HOW DARE YOU-!?" ranted AnderAngel.

Apparently much to Father Anderson's luck he wasn't paying attention to what Anderdevil or AnderAngel were saying. Because at that moment, he could of sworn he saw a soft moan escape from Alucard's lips followed by the sound of boottips scraping against the hard cement ground. He stood up straight holding his knives tightly as his two consciences were ragging on each other just as much as Alucard and Anderson use to hurl insults at each other during combat.

"Uh...guys...?" Anderson gulped.

But the two consciences appeared to be blocking Father Anderson out.

"-and another thing, I am not going to stand here and have my sexuality questioned by the likes of you," snapped AnderAngel,"I least I don't lock my door every Friday night and masterbate with my trident you sick pervert!"

"Hey! That is none of your buisness fairy-boy, leave my trident and 'Little Anderdevil' out of this," retorted Anderdevil,"I least I don't have a blow-up doll that looks like Alec Baldwin."

"That is not a blow-up doll its a CPR dummy I use it for emergencies."

"Yeah...emergencies involving tongue action...I saw you that night!"

Alucard began to shift his weight

"Uh, um...g-guys..." Anderson choked fearfully.

"That could of been any other Angel!" screamed AnderAngel,"you have no proof!"

"I HAVE PICTURES!"

"SO IT WAS YOU OUTSIDE WITH THAT CAMERA!"

Father Anderson watched as Alucard raised his arm up and started to painfully remove the blade from his back.

"GUYS! GUYS! WHAT DO I DO!?" The Paladin panicked.

"Do you want to start something goat-head!" growled AnderAngel,"because I have had it up to here with your meddling, prepare to get your ass whooped!"

"Just make sure you don't break a nail Nancey-Sue!" chuckled AnderDevil meanly.

"GUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!"

The two conscience symbolic beings screamed in unison: "WHAT!?!"

AnderDevil and AnderAngel were becoming quite annoyed that thier fight was being interuppted by the same guy they were suppose to be counciling to in the first place, and then they saw it, Alucard had pulled the blade fully out of his body and healed himself, staring directly at them and laughing menacingly. And here, if you used your imagination during this whole crackfic, you would of seen them doing a awesomely dramatic eyeshot of all three of Father Anderson beings. Which is my favorite out of the whole manga action or the OVA if you so prefer.

"I was wondering what was taking you so long to finish me off Judas Priest," snickered Alucard as he raised his gloved hands near to his face,"like what you see...?"

"We're screwed," shuddered AnderAngel,"and not in a good way..."

"Yeah, you should know," started AnderDevil,"by the way did Bob ever call you after your date last night?"

"Shut up!" snapped AnderAngel.

Before Father Anderson could say "Hail Mary" three times, Alucard began to recite those infamous words that would speak of a victim's ultimate demise: "The Cromwell Approval is now in effect..."

All three Andersons let out a scream.

999999999999999999999999999999999999

Back At the Vatican in Rome.

Father Anderson was bleeding from head to toe as Yumie applied First Aide on the priest. When she was finished, she left the infirmery and went to fetch Father Maxwell, leaving Anderson alone in the room sitting at the edge of one of the beds. His head was bandaged and he had a leg cast while holding onto a wooden crutch in his left hand. A soft gauze was placed over his right eye and band-aides were situated around his face. He had looked like a soldier wounded in the thick of battle.

As soon as the door closed the two consciences popped out looking no worse than Father Anderson did. AnderDevil was in a wheelchair with a neckbrace and AnderAngel was sporting a arm cast with a sling tucked into it.

"I didn't know he could beat us both with his hellhound," said AnderAngel,"I guess you learn something new everyday don't you guys?"

Anderson and AnderDevil said nothing.

"Well," drawled AnderAngel trying to pipe up a conversation,"oh look, Yumie dropped her rosary beads, you should pick it up and give it to her before communion today-"

"Oh why bother Anderson," slyed Anderdevil, getting back into the saddle again,"she has plenty of them, just take it she won't notice one missing-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Father Anderson suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs,"YOU TWO ARE THE WORST CONSCIENCES I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING PRESENTED WITH BY THE LORD'S GOOD GRACES! YOU TWO DIDN'T EVEN DO YOUR JOBS! GET OUT! JUST GET OUT!"

"But...But...But.." They tried to explain

"I SAID GET OUT!"

They held thier heads in shame (well, except for AnderDevil because of the neckbrace) seeing how they failed to council Anderson and instead put thier petty scrawble as top prioty, it was obvious that their big Conscience Boss would have thier heads for sure. And with that, they poofed away from Anderson's shoulders just as Maxwell came in. And he was not looking too happy at this paladin at this moment. Not even stopping to say how he was feeling after a huge fight with the deadly Alucard.

"What the hell Anderson!" he screamed,"I heard from Father Renaldo when you got back that you just stood there while Alucard was down and didn't do anything, what kind of vampire slayer are you?"

"But," he stuttered,"I-I-I can e-explain sir..."

"Explain nothing," shouted Maxwell pointing his finger at Anderson's face,"I don't know what the hell you were thinking, but there will be no pay raise for you until you fly right!"

"Yes sir..." he sighed, and then with his crutch got up and walked sadly out of the infirmery.

As soon as Father Anderson left to lay down in his room and rengerate his body, two little Maxwell consciences appeared to the right and left of his shoulders, each dressed the same as him except one had a halo and wings and the other had horns and a spiked tail.

"You might have been a little hard on him," spoke MaxAngel,"after all, he is your best paladin, and your friend..."

"He got what he deserved," replied MaxDevil,"I know what will make you feel better, want to go use the cameras you bugged all over the Hellsing Manor to spy on Integra getting undressed again in her bedroom?"

Maxwell shrugs casually,"Yeah, lets do it."

MaxAngel spoke up,"Can I come too?"

"No!" The two of them said heading towards the infirmery door leaving the door MaxAngel behind hovering in midair with a sad dejected look on his face.

"I always get left out." sighed MaxAngel as he poofed away.

THE END!

I guess that can explain part of Father Anderson's religous nutty-ness. And I thought of having Maxwell have a little devil and angel of his own but from the looks of it he probably listens to his devil more than his angel. Thus explains the ending. And maybe Anderson will get some better consciences eh? Read and Review what you think of it. If its possible maybe I will make it into a couple of one-shot series involving the other Hellsing characters and thier "shoulder angel and devil" guides but whether by flames, praise, suggestions, or reviews I did it because it has been swimming in my head for some time and I wanted it down on paper so to speak. So now that its done I can relax and go onto other stories. Thank you.

See ya laters! And Thank you for those that make the AxAA slashes. I never would of thought of this story without you. Keep those little beauties coming from one AxAA fan to another.