And so she called it Instant Coffee. And she saw that it was good.

Alrighty. This is not going to be anything big. It's not going to have any sort of update schedule. It's just going to be a little nonsense story to update whenever I feel the need to take a break from life and write strange humor.

Crack Major Stress Reliever.

Yes. It is, indeed, a crossover fic. Tenth Division meets the Ouran High Host Club. –cackles maniacally-

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Ouran. Woe is me.

Prologue

Taste the Irony; It's Addicting

Hitsugaya Toushirou trotted grudgingly along the narrow sidewalk, his buxom fukutaichou in tow. And as said fukutaichou buried herself deeper within her specially issued overcoat, she noticed something about him.

He was not happy.

Well, he was rarely ever happy, but something about the ever-dropping, frigid temperature that had, against all laws of nature, limited itself to a surrounding two meter radius seemed to announce that he was in a bad mood even according to his personal standards. And the fact that his icy wrath was limited to precisely the amount of meters that separated the two shinigami, it was clear who had brought about this foul mood.

"Taichou, are you really that mad at me?"

Hitsugaya whirled around, holding up a single finger as close to her eye level as he could manage. "One week's worth, Matsumoto," he snarled. "You sold me to avoid a mere one week's worth of paperwork."

"How can you say it like that?!" Matsumoto whined. "It's sounds so cruel that way!"

"That's because it is cruel."

"But that's really not what happened! I swear!" the Tenth Division fukutaichou insisted. "Ukitake-taichou just happened to be passing by, and he said that he wished he had something to take his mind off of things for a while. So I told him he could do my paperwork, but then he said that he had to find someone who was willing to take a mission down on earth first and by the time he was finished with that he'd probably be too tired to do any paperwork at all. And so I told him not to worry about it because if he really needed us to, we could take the mission! He was so happy … I just couldn't refuse when he offered to do a whole week's worth!"

"Matsumoto…" her taichou folded his arms across his chest, quirking a single brow in annoyance. "That is a load of bull."

"How can you still be so cold, Taichou?! I was just worried about you! You never do anything but work, work, work, cooped up in that stuffy office all day long! I don't want my cute, little taichou to rot away before he even hits puberty!"

"Even after all this time," the younger of the two shinigami sighed as he turned back around, ignoring Matsumoto, "they still think I'm incompetent. They want me out of the way enough that they've gained the nerve to issue a pathetic mission like this. They still don't think I can handle myself."

"That's not it!" Matsumoto seized Hitsugaya's shoulders. "That's not the reason they're trying to get rid of you at all!"

"So you're agreeing they want to get rid of me…" A single vein pulsed obnoxiously in his forehead.

"It's probably something very simple and caring," she began, wagging her finger at him. "Something like they want to have a huge cocktail party, but they didn't want you to feel left out because you don't drink."

"That's…!" Hitsugaya began indignantly, but hesitated, feeling himself going limp as his overactive imagination offered him a picture of the Gotei 13 division heads sipping cocktails together at a bar, "… entirely plausible."

"See? What did I tell you?" his fukutaichou grinned.

"Well, I suppose it doesn't matter what the reason is as long as we can get things done as soon as possible. Hopefully, we'll be back in Soul Society before week's end."

"So … what are we doing anyway?"

"It's entirely your fault that we're in this mess, and you didn't even bother to pay attention during the briefing?" Hitsugaya's strained voice barely managed.

"Of course not, Taichou! Why should I pay attention when I know you're paying attention?" Matsumoto replied in all seriousness.

Hitsugaya released a heavy sigh, cradling his forehead in his hand. "Then you had better pay attention this time because I won't explain it to you again."

"Yamamoto-soutaichou, Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou of the Tenth Division have come as requested," the quiet third seat of the First Division bowed the two shinigami into the otherwise empty meeting hall. The Soutaichou acknowledged their entrance with a dignified nod before waving his hand to dismiss her.

"Hitsugaya," the old man addressed the young taichou who curtly came to attention. "You have volunteered to lead this expedition to the living world, correct?"

The white crowned boy had to grind his teeth together to keep himself from saying anything inappropriate. He felt his fukutaichou cringe behind him. "Yes."

"Have you been informed of the mission parameters of yet?"

"No. I agreed after hearing only that the Thirteenth Division was currently understaffed and Ukitake-taichou was having trouble recruiting anyone."

"Very well," the old man sighed. "Two weeks ago, three Thirteenth Division scouts reported an unnatural surge of reiatsu during one of their patrols. They conducted a standard investigation with little results. Just as they were ready to write it off, one of the seated officers reported that the phenomenon had restated itself. That was two days ago. The fact that these reiatsu bursts are repetitive is evidence that they are not mere malfunction but are being released by a specific origin. Most likely a human.

"You're mission shall be one of infiltration, which you have had experience with in the past. You will be posing as students attending a renowned Japanese school, specifically the high school section. Your tuition shall be paid, and registration is in progress as we speak. Discover the origin of the reiatsu as soon as possible.

"There is no need to tell you what could happen if you do not."

"A beautiful, distinguished school all for rich kids! It's going to be so much better than Kurosaki's pathetic excuse for a high school!" Matsumoto reveled gleefully. "I can't wait! Gardens, gossip, uniforms!"

"Oi, oi. Don't get ahead of yourself," her taichou grumbled. "Because they enrolled us in Class A the tuition is so expensive that we'll be living in a ratty, two-star hotel room as long as we're here."

Matsumoto was slightly disheartened by this development, but she quickly recovered. "That's okay! That means I get to sleep in the same bed as Taichou!" Hitsugaya shivered. "Oh yeah! What did you say the school was called again?"

Hitsugaya stopped and she halted directly behind him, forgetting the cold, forgetting the hotel room, forgetting everything but the sight before her. She stared numbly through an elaborate gateway and on to the extravagant campus beyond. If she hadn't known better, she'd have compared its size to Seireitei. The decorations far outclassed anything she had ever seen, and that really meant something coming from someone who had seen the Kuchiki mansion.

"Ouran…" the small taichou quoted as Matsumoto stared on.

"Sounds pretty boring to me."