Summary: The Death Note cast takes a trip to everyone's favorite retail store, random crack ensues. Based off of a (very)random roleplay. :3

Rating: T, for language, suggestive situations+some shounen-ai(In future chapters), and general crack.

A/N: This is my first fanfic, so I apologize if it isn't up to par. But hopefully it will make some of you laugh at least a little.

Disclaimer: I do not own any Death Note characters(or Wal-Mart) I just kidnapped them and unleashed them upon the world of retail sale.

Matt drove the car through the Wal-Mart parking lot, keeping his eyes peeled for an empty spot. It seemed that the retail store was always crowded.

"Remind me why we're here again?" came a quiet, monotone voice from the backseat.

Matt looked into the rear view mirror at Near who was sitting with one leg pulled to his chest, and his finger twirling his unnaturally white hair.

"We're just stopping for a minute, Silent Hill 5 came out today, and I'll die if I don't get a copy before they're sold out."

Near shrugged, he personally hated sitting in the back seat but Mello had called shotgun, and when Near protested, Mello really did pull out his shotgun.

"You will not die!" Mello sneered through bites of his chocolate bar.

Matt rolled his eyes, "But you will die if you don't get more chocolate, right?"

Near snickered mentally, of course he wouldn't laugh out loud.

"Don't even joke about things like that!" Mello hissed. He'd never actually been without chocolate, for all he knew he would die. Or at least go through some kind of crazy withdrawal, neither of which he wished to experience.

"I still don't understand why my presence is required." Came Near's voice again, a little louder this time.

Matt sighed; he really didn't understand himself why the almost albino boy had to come.
"Your friend Gevanni said you needed to take part in more social activities."

Near mentally rolled his eyes, what a pain, though he did sort of appreciate Gevanni's concern for his well-being.

Of the three in the car, Matt was the only one who had ever actually been to Wal-Mart, and unlike Near, Mello seemed thoroughly intrigued.

"So you said they have lots of different types of chocolate, right?" Mello inquired as Matt pulled into a parking spot that was a decent walking distance from the entrance.

"Yup, any kind you could possibly want." The blond beamed and shoved the last bit of chocolate into his mouth.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Mello pulled on the door handle, and kicked the car door open.

"Ah, Mello! Be careful of my car, please." Matt called after Mello who was already halfway to the entrance.

"He certainly walks quickly." Near stated as he carefully slid out of the back seat.

"Yeah..." Matt strode in Mello's direction, with Near close at his heals.
"Near, I am going to go after Mello and make sure he doesn't kill any of the employees, or worse, get hit on."
Near nodded, it was a good idea to keep an eye on the chocolate addict, especially in such a public place.

-

Metal detectors? Mello looked angrily at the safety precaution before him. There is no way I am going through a fucking metal detector!
Security was tight at these kind of places now, and there was no way they were going to let a guy in all leather, combat boots, and black sunglasses through without any hassle.

"Excuse me sir," said the security guard surveying the incoming customers, "I am going to have to ask you to step through please, there are other customers waiting to get in."

Shit, Mello cursed inwardly, he wasn't expecting this.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever" He mumbled, stepping through the metal detector. Bleep, bleep, bleeeep! Mello winced at the sound.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit!

The security guard took out his wand and began running it down the side of Mello's body. Bleep! It sounded right beside Mello's left pocket.

"Could you please empty your pocket sir?" Said the guard.

Mello groaned and reluctantly withdrew a pistol from inside of his leather pants, and handed it to the burly man.

The guards eyes widened and his voice turned very gruff, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."

Matt was nowhere in sight, and Mello knew if he resisted now there was a 99 percent probability of him being arrested.
Sighing he grimaced and mumbled a "Yes officer" as he followed the guard to a door next to the Return Counter labeled 'Security Office'.

-

Matt and Near stepped through the entrance and approached the metal detector.

"That's odd.." Matt propped his goggles atop his head, eyes scanning through the throng of customers, but Mello was nowhere in sight.

Near absently twirled his hair around his finger. "Perhaps he's already gone to find his chocolate?"

Matt thought a moment, then nodded. "You're probably right, he's not very patient when it comes to chocolate."

Near blinked, "He's not very patient when it comes to anything really."

Matt grinned, "You've got that right."

The two stepped through the metal detector, Matt first, then Near. When the machine stayed silent, they continued into the store.

"I'll be back in electronics, you have your cell phone right?"

Near reached his hand into the pocket of his pajama pants and felt the shape of the cellphone inside.
"Yes."

Matt nodded. "Good, I'll find Mello when I'm done, and we'll all meet back here in an hour, okay?" Near nodded in agreement, and they both headed off in their own directions, Matt for the electronics department, and Near for the drink isle. He was getting rather thirsty, and he didn't want to risk becoming dehydrated.

-

Near scanned the drink labels, Cola? no. Root beer? Nah. He wasn't a big fan of soda, and he wasn't in the mood for water, so the logical thing to do was ask one of the employees their recommendation.

"Excuse me, miss?" Near said to a squat brunette employee, who was stocking the shelf next to him.
She turned so that the big 'how may I help you?' on the back of her vest was facing away from him, and he could see that her name tag read 'Donna'.

"Excuse me Miss Donna."

The girl looked at him and grinned. "Aw, aren't you a cute little boy! How can I help you Hun?"

Near remained expressionless, "Actually Miss, I am 18, but that is beside the point. May I ask your preference of these drinks? I am rather thirsty but I do not possess the proper data to conclude my decision."

Donna's grin grew wider. "Aww, even the way you talk is precious! Well Hun, I personally enjoy the Red Bull."
Donna pointed to a can on the shelf, Near peered at the can quizzically."What does it taste like?" He inquired.
"Well..." Donna started. "Have you ever played 'Need for Speed'?"
Near searched his memory for the phrase, 'Need for Speed' was a video game where the players raced cars against each other, he'd seen Matt completely massacre Mello at the game before.

"No, Ma'am, I've never played 'Need for Speed'. But I do thoroughly enjoy playing with Hot Wheels."
Donna 'awwww'ed at him again. "That's too cute! Don't worry, I'm sure you'll like it, sweetie."

Well, the employees were the best source of information for these types of things, so Near decided to trust her judgment. He cautiously reached for the can and cradled it in his arms like a baby, walking slowly to the self-checkout.

"Please scan your item." Said the fake voice of a woman through the checkout screen.

Near scanned the can.

"Do you have any coupons?" She asked.

Near pressed 'No'.

"Please insert your cash and touch 'Payment Complete' when finished."

Near stuck a five dollar bill into the machine, which promptly gobbled it up. He pressed the 'Payment Complete' button and the change came rolling out from under the coin slot as the fake woman urged Near not to forget his bills and receipt. The white haired boy shoved the change and bills into his pocket, and opened the can of Red Bull.

"Well, I hope she was right about the taste." He mumbled, and took a quick swig. Suddenly his arms began to tingle and his eyes felt like they were going to pop out of their sockets. A grin slowly crept onto his face, gradually growing wider, and he caught himself giggling slightly. Before he knew it he was more then just giggling, he was full out laughing. He'd never felt so giddy in his entire life. The feeling of mirth spread throughout his entire body, along with a new sensation. It was...hunger? Yes, he was hungry! No, not hungry, starving!

"I-I-I, I must find something to eat!" The grin on his face grew until it was verging on the point of scary, turning on his heal, he dashed madly back to the food isle, thoroughly enjoying whatever exactly this feeling was that he was experiencing.

-

Matt scanned the rows of video games, the new games were always placed next to the consoles, this he had learned from many years of video game purchases. Much to his friend's disbelief, he didn't pirate all the video games he owned.
His eyes stopped on the prize he'd been searching for. Silent Hill 5. And only one copy left!
His mouth began to water at the sight of its perfection, exquisitely fitted in a skin of shrink wrap. It was almost too good to be true.

(Wait, doesn't something bad always happen in a story when someone thinks 'its almost too good to be true'?)

The red-head was reaching out a gloved hand to cradle his precious video game, when a smaller set of fingers snatched it from the shelf.
A little black haired boy in a red shirt and denim jeans smiled triumphantly.

"Mommy, mommy! I got it! The last one tooo!" The small boy called to his mother, who was browsing the CD section in the category of country music.

"That's great, dear." She called back.

Matt knew that his jaw had dropped open, but he couldn't find the strength to shut his mouth. This boy, this little brat, the kid couldn't be more than 7 years old, and his mother was letting him buy an M rated game? Not just a M rated game, Matt's M rated game! The game he'd been waiting an entire year for! He was going to get that game, he didn't care how, but he was.

Once he'd broken free of his thoughts, he found that the boy had already scampered off somewhere. Matt frantically looked around, his eyes caught a flicker of red disappearing in the direction of the check-out. Quickly, he took off after it "Hey, kid!" He called after him, "Hey kid, wait!"

Well, I hope you guys liked it, obviously you will tell me if you didn't and crush my fragile heart...but hopefully you will express the former, not the latter. If all goes well, the next chapter will bring Light, L, and Misa. :)

Edit: I've reformatted this chapter for easier reading. : 3

Fatal Error