Chapter 30

She stood waiting for him. Bobby thought that it wasn't the two inch heels on her boots that added to her height. He stopped a few inches in front of her, his head bowed, his hands clasped behind him. He waited for her explosion, desperately hoping it would come soon. The explosion couldn't be as bad as the waiting, the terrible awful waiting.

She stepped closer to him, and Bobby reminded his body to breath. He stared at the ground.

"Are you all right?" she asked gently.

"No," Bobby thought. "I'm not all right. I'm tired and confused and I may have lost my best friend and partner and the woman I love and I don't know what to do…"

He nodded.

"Did you find out what you wanted?" He smelt the lavender soap she used.

"Some," he whispered.

Her hand was on his shoulder. "Well, I think you helped Claret," she said. "And I have to admit…He might have deserved some help."

His eyes met hers for a moment.

"C'mon," she said. "Let's get out of here."

She led him past the guards, through the gates and doors, to the SUV. She helped me click on the seatbelt, and began the drive back to Manhattan.

"I didn't expect him to be like that," Alex said softly.

Bobby stared out the window. His head rested in his hand.

"I guess the drugs have helped him a lot," Alex continued. "He's either a great actor—the best I've ever seen—or he's truly sorry. And I don't think he's that good of an actor.

Bobby continued to stare out the window.

She tried again to reach him. "You were right…There was nothing to worry about. You get the Santa Mug for a while."

He still didn't respond.

"Ok, Goren," Alex said. "What's going on in that supersized brain of yours?"

"He was right," Bobby said softly. "If he'd gotten help…If his Mom had gotten help…If the family would've recognized…All of those lives…Those kids would still have their mothers…"

"If…If…If," Alex said gently. "You can't deal with ifs, Bobby…It'll drive you crazy." She took a deep breath. "If I dealt with ifs, I'd never gotten out of bed the day after Joe was killed."

Bobby finally looked at her. "Everyone thinks," he said. "That I had such a bad time…But you…It's never been easy for you, either…And you're…you're remarkable. You do your job well…You're an extraordinary human being…Do you ever wonder…" He fidgeted in his seat. "Why you are what you are? Where your strength comes from?"

"I'm not sure I'm all that strong," Alex said wryly. "But I guess a lot of it comes from Mom and Dad…my brothers and sisters…"

"Your family," Bobby said. "They helped you a lot…" He stared out the window again. "Claret's family helped destroy him. Mine…mine was gone…And…all the results…are different…"

"Look, Bobby," Alex said. "I know you're looking for answers to why people do the thing they do and why they are what they are. And if I've learned anything from you it's that there are reasons…But I also know some things just can't be explained." They were nearing One Police Plaza. "Maybe the difference is the right or wrong person comes into your life at the right or wrong time." She shook her head. "Remember what your father's friend—that guy who knew so much about horse racing—told you once? That even with all of that controlled breeding and the study of the odds and everything, the horses still have to run. And some of them win when they shouldn't and some of them lose when they shouldn't." She guided the SUV into the parking garage. "There are no sure bets. We make ourselves what we are."

Alex parked the car, released her seatbelt and turned to Bobby. "You are a good man," she said firmly. "You became what you are in spite of some terrible things. And I am very glad about that."

Bobby leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. "I am not Gregory Claret," he thought. "I am not. For whatever reason…I'm not him. Maybe it was my Mom…a teacher…or Alex…or God or fate or something…but Alex is good and she loves me…So, if she loves me, I must be good." He leaned forward and rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes until bright red and blue specks appeared in his vision.

"Ok?" Alex asked gently. He felt her soft touch on his back.

"I…I'm so tired," he confessed. "Everything…It seems to have drained everything out of me…"

"I can take you home…"

"No." Bobby opened his eyes. For a moment, he found it difficult to focus them. "I'll be ok." He struggled out of his seatbelt and the van.

"Bobby," Alex said patiently. "You can barely get out of the van…"

"I'll be all right," Bobby said stubbornly.

But he wasn't all right, something even he had to admit after he fought his way out of the SUV, into the office, and to stay awake as he and Alex wrestled with paperwork.

"Goren." Ross' exasperated and worried voice broke in on Bobby's efforts to stay conscious. "Why are you here?"

"Just doing my job," Bobby answered quickly and tried to concentrate on the form he knew he'd read at least three times before.

"Well, you're not doing your job if you're half dead from exhaustion," Ross said, not unkindly.

At her desk, Alex raised her eyebrows and pretended to examine a file.

"This is an order," Ross said. "Go home…sleep…rest…or at least try to. But get out of here and stay away for at least forty-eight hours."

Bobby opened his mouth to protest and quickly shut it. Ross was beyond listening to any argument, and, in truth, Bobby was neither inclined to nor in any shape to debate the point. "Yes, Captain."

Alex, resigned to intervening between her partner and captain yet again, looked up in surprise. Ross was flustered for a moment as well, and the same thought regarding Bobby flew across their minds. "He must be exhausted if he's giving up this fight."

Ross turned to Alex. "Eames, go with him. Take the time as well. You can't do much without him, and I want someone to make sure he gets home."

"Yes, sir," Alex said. She failed to mention that she was on the point of insisting on accompanying Bobby.

"Good," Ross said. "And, Goren…Good job on the Claret interview. The case is over as far as we're concerned. Claret's signed off on the plea agreement."

"Good," Bobby said softly. "Good for everyone."

Bobby stumbled out of the squad room, followed closely by Alex. "Oh, no," she said as he headed towards the subway. "You're not riding that today."

He didn't protest as she guided him to her car, strapped him in, and drove away. He drifted in and out of a restless half sleep as she drove. She planned to take him to her house, but sensed he needed a comfortable bed as soon as possible. She knew all of the secret parking spots near his apartment and easily found one. She helped me out of the car and into the building. He leaned heavily against the elevator's back wall as they headed up to his floor.

"Hey," Alex said. "Aside from the fact you're falling asleep on your feet, you ok?"

"I…I'm sorry you…" He looked at her with such need and gratitude that Alex could barely hold her gaze with him. "But I know you're not doing this because you have to…You're doing this because you want to…Because you're you…and I…I love you."

The words stunned Alex, and she couldn't speak for the rest of the elevator ride. As they stepped from the car, she recovered and lightly touched Bobby's arm. "I love you, too," she said softly.

The moment the door to Bobby's apartment closed behind them, they fell into each other's arms and kissed deeply.

"Oh, Alex," Bobby sighed. "I love you…I want you…and I'm completely exhausted…"

Alex smiled. "Boy, we're out of sync, aren't we?"

Bobby returned the smile. "If I only had the energy I had when I was a teenager."

Alex laughed. "Sometimes I wish I was one of those willowy young brunettes you seem to date…"

Bobby spread his large fingers across her face. "If you were a willowy young brunette," he said softly. "You wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be you and I wouldn't love you."

Alex blushed and brought her arms up and around his neck. She was about to kiss him again when his mouth opened in a great yawn. Alex smiled; Bobby frowned in frustration. Alex giggled; Bobby smiled. Alex laughed; Bobby laughed. They fell together on the couch and laughed until tears streamed from their eyes.

Bobby recovered first. "Ah," he gasped. "Robert Goren the great lover…"

"It's ok," Alex said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's something to look forward to." She stood. "Let's try to get some rest."

She led him to his bed, where she helped him shed his clothes. He managed to make it to the bathroom and to brush his teeth. When he returned, Bobby found Alex wearing one of his T-shirts and waiting for him. She pulled back the sheets and blankets, and Bobby fell heavily into bed.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," she said and brushed his lips with her fingertips.

He struggled to keep his eyes open until she slipped beside him.

"It's ok," she said softly. "You can go to sleep…I'm here…"

"Ok," he whispered.

It was cold and dark, and he stood again on that lonely rooftop. He hid again behind a vent, and heard the slam of a door, the smack of leather against skin, and the angry, threatening voice.

"No," Bobby thought. "I'm not a child. I'm not helpless. I'm not worthless. I'm good. I'm strong. I can protect myself…and others."

He stood and stepped out from behind the vent. "Here I am," he said calmly. "What do you want?"

"You…" The man was frightened and confused.

"I'm not a child," Bobby said. He stepped towards the man. "You can't bully and terrify me."

The belt dangling useless from his hands, Bobby's father stood before him.

"See," Bobby said. "In spite of you, I've become something…someone of value…I do good work. People, good people, like me…want me as a friend. A good woman loves me and I love her. I made it. You didn't destroy me. I win…I win…"

"Bobby…Bobby…"

Bobby blinked. His father and the rooftop disappeared, replaced by Alex's concerned face.

"Bobby." He loved the sound of his name in her voice. "Are you all right?"

He brushed her hair away from her face. "Yes," he said and realized for the first time since the start of the Claret case that he was truly all right. He sat up carefully and drew Alex to him. He kissed her deeply and warmly. Alex responded with equal passion and love. They had denied their physical need for each other so long that the kiss sent them both into bliss. Their hands were everywhere—touching, grasping, feeling. Each touch brought wonderful and terrible flames to their bodies. At some point Bobby turned so that Alex lay beneath him. Their need for air forced them to separate.

"I take it this was a good dream," Alex gasped.

Bobby smiled down at her. "Yea…yea it was." He reached for the bottom of his shirt but hesitated. "This…This is all right?"

Alex laughed and reached for the bottom of her shirt. "Bobby, I've only been waiting for this for months…maybe years…"

"That's a lot of pressure to put on a man…Oh, God, Alex…You're beautiful." She'd slipped the shirt over her head as he spoke. "Really beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined…"

Alex smiled and reached for the bottom of Bobby's shirt. "So you've imagined this, uh?" She pulled the shirt over his head, and reached for the band on his boxers.

"Oh, Alex," he moaned as she pulled the boxers from his body. His mind couldn't fathom what was happening. Her hands were hot and cool at the same time, electrifying and soothing. Shakily, he helped her slip her panties from her body. He draped his body over hers.

"You're beautiful," Alex said. "My beautiful, brave, good Bobby."

He kissed her again.

"We've already done that," Alex murmured insistently. "Not that it isn't wonderful…But I want more…More Bobby…please…"

"Beautiful, wonderful Alex," he whispered against her neck. "If I'm good…you bring it out, Alex…"

His hands were everywhere on her, creating bolts of pleasure on her body.

"Bobby…please…please…"

"Alex…am I hurting you…" He was terrified.

"No…No…" She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. "It's just…I want to make you happy…to please you…"

"You please me…You make me happy," he said huskily. "By letting me please you."

"Who am I to argue with that?" Alex cried.

He touched her joyously and reverently. She was more passionate and open in her responses than any woman he'd ever been with. "But I've never loved anyone like this," Bobby thought. "Maybe I've never really loved any one at all…I know no one has ever loved me like this…"

He was appallingly tender and tentative in his moves, and she begged him for release. "Bobby…Bobby…please…please…" Finally, at the point where Alex thought she couldn't bear it any longer and Bobby thought his body nearly beyond his control, he slipped inside her. Alex gasped, and Bobby, afraid he might have hurt her, hesitated. Alex arched against him, and Bobby pressed further inside her. They were together, they were one, neither knowing where the other began or ended. They fell together into a glorious abyss.

"I'm dreaming," Bobby thought. "This can't be real. I can't be here in Alex's arms…I…I…If it's real…I'm hurting her…I'm crushing her…"

He started to move, but Alex held him tightly. "It's all right. It's more than all right," she whispered in his ear. "Please…stay there…It's wonderful…" Her lips brushed his forehead. "You're wonderful."

Bobby nested in her arms. He was happy; he was calm; he was at home; he was loved. After several moments, he turned so that Alex rested on his chest.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you," she answered.

"I…I'm still not sure how I got here," Bobby said. "But…I'm so happy…so grateful…"

"Yea," Alex agreed. "It's been a long, strange trip."

He brushed the top of her head with his lips. "I took some pretty wild and twisted roads to get here."

She kissed his chest. "Let's try to use the straighter and smoother roads from now on."

Bobby grinned. "I don't know if I can promise you straight and smooth…but definitely interesting and fun."

Alex also grinned. "I can deal with that."

END