"Potter!"
"Yes, Malfoy?"
"Give it back!"
"Give what back, Malfoy?"
"My virginity." Sarcastic.
"Would've thought Pansy would have taken care of that a long time ago." Innocent.
"That's disgusting, Potter. It's also not what I meant and you know it."
"Then what did you mean?"
Grinding of teeth.
"My wand, you filthy little Gryffindor. You stole my wand and I want it back."
"Why Malfoy, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."
"I'll go to Snape. And then he'll go to McGonagall who'll go to Dumbledore and soon enough everyone will know and your golden reputation will be ruined."
"And I'll get detention for a very long time and they'll search my stuff and won't find anything and throughout it all I'll proclaim my innocence, making sure to emphasize the fact that stealing is wrong and maybe I'll even throw in a few heroic poses just for the fun of it. And then you'll look like a fool for losing your wand and everyone will hate you for blaming it on me. And you still won't have your wand."
A pale hand curls into a fist.
"I'm only going to say this once more, Potter. Give. It. Back."
"Even if, theoretically of course, I knew where your wand was and could get it back to you, it would cost you. Theoretically."
"Of course."
"Of course."
"That's blackmail, Potter."
"Actually, it's extortion. Blackmail implies…"
"Alright, alright, I get it." A sigh. "How much do you want?"
Delighted laughter.
"I don't want your money, Malfoy! Shit no. I've got more than enough of my own."
"Yes, yes you're powerful and polite and good-looking and rich and all that other crap that Witch Weekly spews. What do you want, Potter?"
"You think I'm powerful and good-looking? I'm flattered, Malfoy. And…wait. You read Witch Weekly?" Genuine bafflement.
A blush.
"No! Mother buys it. But that's not the point. The point is that you were going to tell me what.you.want."
"Well there's no need to shout, Malfoy. All you had to do was ask. I want you to tutor me in potions."
"You want…me….to tutor you….in potions?"
A beaming smile.
"Yup."
"You're nuts, Potter. Completely insane. But fine. Meet me here tomorrow at 7. If you're late I'll leave. Now give it back."
"What makes you think I had it in the first place?"
A face begins rapidly turning red, and a vein throbs furiously.
"But maybe you should check under you pillow tonight. If you've been good the tooth fairy might have left you a present."
A glare, the angry stomping of feet, and a door slams.
A smirk shines in the darkened room.
"Potter. You took it again. Give it back."
"Can only take your virginity once, Malfoy. And it can't be given back no matter what you tell yourself."
"I've been tutoring you every second night for the past week, even though it idiocizes me to spend time with you. You had no right to steal my wand again!"
"I don't think idiocizes is a word, Malfoy."
"You had no right!"
A pause, and a thoughtful stare.
"You know Malfoy, you've been particularly awful to my friends these past few days. I fear it might be because of something that I've done."
"So that's it then. You want me to be polite to the Weasels and the Mudblood and the imbecile and the Irish idiot and all the rest of your loser friends." Disbelief.
"Mmm. Would be nice."
"Fine. Done. Where is it?" Resigned.
"Did you check in your bookbag?"
"Hmph."
A smile as a body flounces off.
"God damnit, Potter! Why do you keep stealing my wand?"
A sideways glance accompanied by a raised eyebrow.
"Right. Sorry. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never get any proof to show that you took my wand nor will I get you to admit to it despite the fact that it has become more than obvious that you are a dirty lying thief. Possibly even a kleptomaniac with a strange fixation on my wand. So why don't you just tell me what you want so we can get this over with."
"Are you sure you really want to know, Malfoy? The price is going to be dearer than ever."
"What else could you possibly want from me? You've reduced me down to your level of idiocy, ruined my reputation and made me be nice to Gryffindors." A shudder. "Do you want me to open up a kennel for stray dogs too? Feed the starving brats in Africa? Maybe even become a much better looking Mother Teresa?"
"Hmm. Would be nice. A penguin suit might look good on you. But no, that's not what I want. I want a kiss."
"A kiss." Flat.
"Mm-hm. A kiss." Non-commital.
"Look Potter, I really don't appreciate being mocked so if you could just tell me what you really wa-mmph."
Various smacking and slurping sounds along with a groan or two and some groping.
"Well, would you look at that. I seem to have stolen something else from you." Smug.
Panting.
"Yeah, now give it back."
"Not so fast, Malfoy. First I think we need to figure out what you're going to give me in return."
A small kiss to the corner of the still panting mouth along with the languid stroke of a tongue.
"Oh god." Harsh.
A half-lidded stare and a lazy smile.
"Your wand is in your pocket. Has been the whole time."
An unintelligible groan and a wide-eyed stare from the boy using the wall to hold himself up.
A grin and whistling as the dark-haired boy walks away.