Summary: A late-night quarrel leads Ryuuzaki wondering if it is okay that his feelings and actions aren't always consistent - especially when it concerns the Kira suspect Light Yagami.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Mild suggestive spoilers to the end of the series.
Disclaimer: If Light and L belonged to me... I would not be on my computer right now.
BURDENS OF A LATE-NIGHT JOB
Another batch of dead criminals. Another batch of poor fools who I truly did not care about, I had failed to save. Their images and names and locations flooded my monitor screen, and I sighed. Every moment that I couldn't figure out Kira's secret was another moment that I was failing. The evidence wasn't puzzle-piece perfect, and I could handle that, but it was my job to make a correct analysis and investigation. It was my job to smoke out Kira.
And the Kira in question was sitting on a chair next to me, his chin resting in his hand. I wasn't looking at him but I could still see his eyelids flutter underneath wispy chestnut hair that was, at this late hour, somewhat unkept. His presence always seemed projected to me, as though he were on a pedestal, and that's what initially drew my attention to him. He was Kira, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. True, he was by all records a perfect model of an eighteen year old: brilliant, responsible, handsome and good natured. But more than once to me I saw in his eyes those of a feral beast, rampaging with bared fangs and ripping the throats of those he deemed sufficient victims. That is why I had him locked him up, and that is why he was currently handcuffed to me by a chain no longer than six feet.
Though now, even I had to admit, he just looked like a weary kid. Like a good boy scout he had been trying not to complain throughout this ordeal but was starting to get irritable. "Uhh, Ryuuzaki?"
"Hm?" I answered, not truly paying attention. It was interesting to note that the new dead criminals all centered around China this time. Logically, the current Kira must be watching or viewing specific programs centered in those specific countries. It was rarely a mix-and-match deal. Tonight, China. Yesterday, Russia. Prior day, America and Japan. Where would he strike next?
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Yes, Light-kun." Yesterday, what news programs broadcasted these Chinese criminals? The new Kira could be anywhere, but chances are not everywhere. It could be suggested and assumed that he lived in a single country, and did not know thirteen languages. Therefore I concluded that world news stations were responsible for this, and I might be able to track it by the mark, criminal for criminal. Once I figured out which news program the new Kira viewed the most, I was free to experiment and rat him out.
"So please, tell me what time it is."
"Four thirty-two." It would all come down to a simple web search. Because the criminals that Kira murdered were generally centered in a single country every night, I hypothesized that the news source must be public. If Kira was hacking onto private servers then the victims would be more random. And I had already confirmed that none of the names had been kept secret, indeed they had been broadcast. News stories generally stayed on their company's websites for a few weeks, so searching a stream of particular names would be extremely effective. So effective, it was almost a chore. When Light was actively being a Kira he was a much better game. Now that he was acting dormant and innocent, essentially pausing the play, I had to go take care of his pawns.
"I understand very well that you are an insomniac, Ryuuzaki, and I accept you as a friend for what you are. I'd never judge you for that, and I want to be supportive." I'm pretty sure that there was sarcasm dripping from his voice, but I still wasn't paying much attention. "But at the same time I'm not being fair to myself if I'm compromising my own lifestyle and health-"
"Go to sleep then," I interrupted without much enthusiasm either way. Words nor tone of voice could express how much I truly did not care. "You stopped being helpful fifty-one minutes ago."
"Now that is a very good idea, Ryuuzaki!" Light was trying to fool me with a tone of sincerity. Or maybe it didn't take the world's greatest detective to detect his hidden causticity. "I would be very happy to go to bed."
Yes, Light was a very smart boy. There wasn't a field he could not excel at. As the police chief's son he easily could worm his way through criminal files, and a sense of justice, albeit a warped one would indeed be bestowed upon him. He could even act. Deductively, he had to be Kira. The issue wasn't the first Kira, but the second. Misa had none of Light's talents. No, it wasn't that she wasn't bright in her own way. But I just could not peg her as the type to be able to pull of this charade for so long. Confusion, however, was indubitably the nature of this case. After all, we were chasing after supernatural fundamentalists.
"Ryuuzaki!"
"What now?" Unless he was making a confession, I didn't really want to hear it. I wanted to be left alone to my ponderings and research. This was an unwanted distraction. "Why aren't you asleep?"
"I can't go to bed without a bed," he said sharply, crossing his arms and taking a deep breath, as though he were trying to be patient with me.
"Mm." The web search wasn't quite as easy as I had hoped it would be. Too many news stations reported Kira's victims directly after their deaths. Which would be the original? I would have to stab in the dark at various times. It would likely be yesterday sometime, probably in the evening. "Then don't go to bed. Go to chair and shh." I put a finger to my lips to further express my point.
He huffed, not taking the hint or more likely, not about to give up. What a Kira-like quality. "I could name you off thirteen different scientific studies by memory that statistically prove the benefits of sleep to thought process! I shouldn't have to tell someone as supposedly intellectual as you about the obvious, no, not just benefits but necessities of sleeping. And at our age we should be getting at least nine hours of sleep. I'm not asking for much, just maybe, maybe at least four and a half so I can contribute fully to finding Kira. I can help you, you know that I can, but I can't think about anything like this. Can't we please take a break?"
"Aaah..." China did have a few networks that broadcasted mass amounts of criminals yesterday. Now I would have to weed them out. You could never trust China's media, with the government censoring it so much. It's not that the new Kira was likely to be in China, but the criminal record would have to be sent from one of these news stations to an international one. So which was the most reliable? "Certainly. There are some oreos on the counter, give me thirteen seconds and we can go get them..."
"That's not what I meant and you know it!" Light cried out, distressed enough to raise his voice. "Dammit, Ryuuzaki! I can't sleep on a chair, or on the floor, especially since I know that the police team will be coming in early, and I won't be able to sleep expecting them to storm in here any second! And it's so bright.."
"Light-kun." I had to remind myself that he was still just a teenager, full of angst and passion. Hence why he must have decided to turn to mass-murdering for therapy. "You should have thought about your sleep difficulties before you resolved to become the world's most wanted criminal."
"What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not Kira?" he said angrily. "What else? I allowed myself to be imprisoned to prove it, I'm here indefinitely to prove it, I'm chained to you to prove it and I'm absolutely devoting myself to finding the real Kira to prove it. I don't care if you believe me or not, I know it's your job to be suspicious, but all I want to do is sleep right now."
"You're over your head," I commented lightly. It was quite the thought - Light of all people had bit off more than he could chew. But it wasn't my job to feel sympathy for suspects. It was my job to find the truth. Maybe I did like suspecting Light, even though the real chance of him being Kira was at a pending five percent. I think I truthfully was fond of him. What I had not decided was whether the part of me that didn't want him to be Kira outweighed the part of me that did. "Unfortunately I don't have the time to waste sleeping this early, nor talking about it. If you aren't Kira then you will feel remorse that more people will die if I can't soon find a way to stop him."
"I do feel remorse!" he insisted. Like a pouting child. "And I want to help. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I will have a clear head and be able to help you. Listen. You don't have to go to bed. I'll go by myself and you can work."
"Aha!" I turned triumphantly to the youth, raising my handcuffed wrist. "Light-kun wants me to release him for the night. He could potentially be doing this to continue his killing spree. The probability of you being Kira has just went up by three quarters of a percent!"
"I'm not...!" He cut himself off with a shuddering sigh. He laid his head on the desk, covering it with his arms. His arched back was trembling very slightly, so for a moment I thought that he might be crying. But when he raised his head again, his eyes were mostly clear. They were indeed bloodshot from his tiredness, and very weary. "All I was proposing was, you can handcuff me to the bed. Set up a video camera if you like, too, I don't care because I have nothing to be ashamed of."
"..Handcuff you to the bed?" I blinked. I went through every possibility I could think of. If Light could kill people with just his mind, then it wouldn't even matter whether or not he was in my sight. But if the process required the use of his hands, that would also be stifled by the cuffs. Now to weigh the pros and cons: would the benefits of getting rid of Light's incessant whining outweigh the cons of taking the time to get up and properly secure him?
Light flushed. "Or throw me back in the prison cell for all I care right now!"
"It's fine." Perhaps it was unwise, but Light did need to sleep. Ignoring that fact would contribute to nothing. At least not with all of his police allies, my employees, sympathizing with him. It might have been an interesting tactic to deny him too much sleep. In such an aggravated state he would be more likely to say something rash, something I could have used against him in court. Unfortunately the elder Yagami-san would probably threaten to leave and take his son with him, which would mean that I would have to have him legally arrested. I had the resources to have such a thing arranged, but with the Japanese law-force involved my ability to interrogate would be far too regulated. "Let's go."
"To... prison?" Even though he had claimed he didn't care, he looked a little stricken. What was he complaining about? All he had to do back then was sit there for awhile. He didn't have any duty or responsibilities. He just had to convince us all that he was innocent, and hope that I wouldn't figure out his ruse - which truthfully I had not yet.
"That would take too long, and it is unnecessary. Anyway, I think your father dislikes me enough already." I smiled, standing up.
"He doesn't dislike you..." Light said flatly for courtesy's sake as we went down the hallway. Most of the lights were turned off by that point. All the light that I needed came from the thirteen computer monitors that I left on all night. I liked to try to save electricity whenever I could, and I tried to be environmentally friendly with an effort. "He understands why you suspect me. It's your job to exercise caution."
"Light-kun is smart, even when he's tired," I commented. We turned the corner into the room that we had been sharing. It wasn't exactly exciting, I suppose, but it served our purposes - a large bed, a desk with another computer (only used for emergencies), a telephone and a dish of candy. I noticed then that the Tootsie Rolls were mostly reduced to empty wrappers. I would be sure to inform Watari so he could take care of the matter. "After all, I do hope that you aren't Kira. Light Yagami is my friend, and if he were convicted we could never play tennis again."
Light approached the bed gingerly, as if half expecting that I might change my mind. After placing a reassuring hand on the blankets, he gave me a sideways glance. "You don't really hope that."
I retrieved the key from my pocket and unlocked his handcuff so that he could take his shirt off. He clumsily unbuttoned most of it, until he gave up with that and pulled the fabric over his head. He revealed a muscled waist that looked slimmer than it normally did. I could vaguely make out the outline of ribs. "Have you lost weight, Light-kun?"
"It's possible." He didn't elaborate as he took his side of the handcuff and clicked it back into place. His utter obedience could mean a number of things: either there was the off chance that he was not Kira and he followed his father's example of total submission before the law (not that I was the law, per se, but it backed me nonetheless), or he was Kira and pretending just that. "You want me to be Kira."
"What a rash thing to say!" I feigned a look of surprise. I wrapped the chain around the headboard to reduce its length by a bit and snapped the cuff closed upon it. Then I hopped onto the bed, perching myself in my favorite sitting position. I looked at him with wide eyes. "Why would I hope such a terrible thing upon my friend?"
Light also sat on the bed, cross-legged, but his eyes were downcast. "You just want to be right."
"Mmm..." I blinked, and felt an unfamiliar stab of guilt. I knew my faults very well, and it was not an incorrect hypothesis. Perhaps I was so used to being right, when I was sure of a thing, that being wrong felt alien. "I suppose you might be right, but this is something I truly believe, biases set aside. I honestly do try to look at things neutrally. You can't let emotions cloud your head, otherwise your ability to think clearly decreases by a significant percent."
"Am I really your friend, Ryuuzaki?"
The question surprised me. It was rather uncharacteristic of Light Yagami to focus on issues that in the long run were entirely irrelevant, both to me and to him. So therefore he must be trying to get at something. Someone in that brilliant mind of his he must be moving his chess pieces to eventually set up for a surprise attack. I imagine that he was also trying to conjure sympathy, from me of all people. "Certainly, would I lie about that?"
"Yes." Even though he was tired, he was sure to look away. He must have felt awkward with such words leaving his mouth. After a moment, he quickly said, "Well, it doesn't matter, does it?"
He does think like me. That's why I was so fond of him. But my wandering mind momentarily did consider Light's statement. Was he really my friend? I'm not sure that I had any pre-requisites or qualifications for the title of friend. Did I trust him? Well, no. Did I feel comfortable around him? Not at all when I considered what he had done and was capable of doing and what he wanted to do to me. Did I enjoy his company? Yes... most of the time. "I'm very fond of Light-kun," I finally said honestly. "I'm more fond of him than I am of most people that I meet."
"Still, you want me to be Kira." Light almost seemed intoxicated with the dark bags under his eyes. He truly must have been exhausted if he was speaking so bluntly. "That's why you're fond of me, isn't it? You like me because you think I'm the best enemy you've had. Not because I'm your friend."
It was a concept too far-fetched to me. It might have also been true, but I had no desire to waste time thinking about such a thing. I still had work to do. "I don't know," I answered carelessly, and I stood up. I bounded over to the dish of Tootsie Rolls, and fished through the wrappers for an uneaten candy. "I'll let you sleep now. Have a good night!" Ah, there was one. The factory processed chocolate filled my mouth, and I was on my way out the door.
Light was sitting up straight, watching me with alarmed eyes. Then he shrugged. "I'm right. I'm always right, too."
"Mm.." I couldn't help but turn back to him at those words and stare. Light's skin was more pale than it used to be. Not as pale as mine, but his skin used to be much more golden. The cause of that effect of course was the fact that he hadn't left this building in months. But Light hadn't complained much at all through the whole thing. He had acted like the perfect policeman's son, doing everything and more that was expected of him. Whether or not he was Kira, it was unfair of me to judge him for his late-night laments. He was still so young. "You are incorrect. If I ever were to choose a dear friend it would be someone just like you. I enjoy your qualities. It's just the circumstances of my job..."
Again, Light flushed, but this time it was from a sudden anger. He jumped toward me like a rabid tomcat, not getting much further than the edge of the bed due to the chain. "The circumstances of your job! L, you want to kill me!"
"What are you doing? You'll hurt your wrist!" I exclaimed in surprise. He looked as though he were trying to test his strength against the wooden headboard of the bed, and pulled at the chain fiercely. All that he was accomplishing however was digging the metal handcuff deeply into his skin. With that force, he might rub it raw or even pierce it. "It's not that I want to kill you, I just want to submit Kira to the justice of the law!"
"You think that you're justice, just like he does!"
"Light, stop it!" He was desperately pulling at the chain to try and get to me, but he would slice off his own wrist before that cuff would break. With concern, I decided to take action. I put up my fists and plunged toward him. I blocked his flailing arms and as I landed, I grabbed his cuffed wrist so he wouldn't pull at it anymore. With his other arm he tried to punch me, but I caught that with my other hand. He snarled and try to twist away and kick at me, so I released the cuffed wrist just for a moment in time to punch him in the jaw. Though slightly dazed he fought back as aggressively as ever, like a wild animal caught in a trap. This was Kira. I retreated back for a moment just to get enough leg distance and kick him square in the chest. He was knocked backwards onto the bed, and I pounced. I felt no remorse as I finally pinned him on the bed and he laid there panting. It wasn't a surprise that he was an easy win that night, with his exhaustion and apparent weight loss. Tightly I gripped his wrists, spreading his arms apart so he could not bend his elbows. "Will you calm down? I can't understand what this is about."
"Then you aren't so smart," he snarled savagely. He glared daggers at me and pulled at his restrained arms. I tightened my grasp even further, so as not to give him an inch. "It is resolved: when Kira is captured, he will get the death penalty. Ryuuzaki wants to be right, therefore he wants me to be Kira. He wants me to get the death penalty. Every second I'm with you, you watch me to find some way you can prove that I am a killer!" Light resisted again, trying to twist his arms and legs. There was another struggle with tossing and turning, however, he wasn't in a position to take back the ground he had lost. When he was given no slack, he lay limp. With a more quiet, hoarse voice he said, "He makes me believe that he will find a way to prove that I am the killer. He is the greatest detective and is starting to convince even me that maybe I am Kira. But I don't want to die."
I felt another strange feeling as I watched him under me, almost as though he were pleading. Something in me wavered with confusion. A part of me wanted to somehow analyze the youth's words and make some decision on what deeper meanings they could possibly carry. But most of me felt a little frozen. There was a pit in my stomach. His eyes were hazy and for more reason than one. After a moment, slowly I answered, "I don't want to die either, Light-kun. And that's precisely what Kira wants of me. Which of us will die first, I wonder?"
Light didn't answer that. He lay still with his eyes adverted. "I apologize for attacking you. Please get off, Ryuuzaki."
I concluded that he was docile now, and I was about to move, but then I stopped. Something in my stomach was aching. I did not understand the symptoms well but I knew that the eighteen year old was the cause of it. Momentarily I thought that he must hate me, and I saw how that would be justified. It was unsettling. I could offer multitudinous, monotonous explanations for every action, no matter how seemingly heartless I took. In my job, the ends would have to justify the means. Light understood that, didn't he? He was a genius. But I felt more empathy right then with the suffering boy under my grasp than I had in many years. This boy was Kira. Somehow he was Kira, and if he wasn't right now then he would be again. If I was right, whether or not I lived to see this case through, then Light would agonize, languish, writhe and he would not endure.
He would die.
I don't know why I was thinking these things as I had him pinned down. He looked to me like someone who I had a devotion for because he was an equal to me in a world that I could not relate to. He stood on his pedestal and no matter what choices he made people would love and admire him with a fierce passion that only suited him. But at the same time to me I saw a kid who was suffering and who would suffer and who would lose his life suffering, too. I had not given his life much thought before. Prior to his imprisonment Light showed no one his weaknesses. But now it was as though he were trying to forfeit from the game and throw down his cards in one last desperate plea to humanity. If only I knew the answers, if only I could figure out how it worked, how he did it... then what?
What would I do?
"There's nothing I could do," I finally said out loud. I had not been voicing all my thoughts but I knew that he, my younger kindred spirit would figure it out. "What would you want me to do?"
He raised his glance toward me. "I'm not Kira."
"Then you'll understand soon enough, if you even remember what I'm saying in the morning." I lowered my face towards his a little to express just how serious I was. I also loosened my grip on his arms because right then I did not want to hurt him. Though he could have at that point, he did not pull away. "Whether it's the correct way to act or not is something I don't know nor care about. I believe that I care for you dearly, but my actions won't reflect that, they will reflect my own personal sense of justice. I'm telling you this because I know you also are like that. Certainly it seems to me like you were doomed the moment you became Kira, and perhaps I am doomed for being the challenger of that. But it's not in either of us to back away before the game is done. So you move your chess pieces and I will move mine, and when you're Kira again we can continue our battle of the wit."
"You're wrong. This is not a game." Light did slide out from underneath me then, and he sat up. His voice was firm and carried a weary passion, but there was no aggression. "Toying with human lives, whether Kira is doing it or L, and even toying with your own life is not a game. I would never view these circumstances as such, even if I was a murderer. I want to be able to take pride in my life, and live..."
"So you don't want to die." I accommodated his movements by crawling off of his legs. But my eyes still held his. "I've never wanted to die, too, because I don't like to lose. I think I would view that as a defeat, so that's why I call my life a game. Being around you though has made me feel very alive. I don't know how else to describe these changes because it is conflicting to me. I think the word 'game' is very appropriate though. You can still be my friend this way."
"Ryuuzaki justifies his actions," he said a little bitterly.
"Yes, but I mean it. And when the game is done, we can put away the chess board and still be friends."
"So that's really what you think, huh." Light's tone didn't reveal a lot right then. Instead he reached over to the lamp on the small wooden nightstand and flicked the switch. As fast as the speed of light the room was dark. Only dim lights from the hallway timidly creeped in. I could make out the young Yagami's body as he crawled under the blankets, and turned on his side. His back was towards me. "That's a lot of faith for an atheist like you."
After a discommodious second, I said, "Why is that?"
"The reason I don't want to die. How do you know what's real?"
I sat there in the dark, in a stupor. How do you know what's real? Well, I decide what's real, don't I? Don't I consciously make a decision to choose what to believe and what not to believe? Does that make me a solipsist? Does that make me like Kira? Languidly my mind went through calculations and I chewed at my finger, thinking of Kira. I thought of Kira's victims. I thought of China and how the government was hiding so many truths, and the people could only see what the media reflected.
Are we like that, too?
Does everything that I believe need to have a reason? Like why I still believe that Light is Kira, or why I love him unconditionally? Why do I believe that he is a kindred spirit to me, when he is everything I'm not and nothing that I am? He has what I don't have - a normal life, a loving family, friends and popularity. I admire him, yet I pity him, and also I feel indifference toward him. I believe these things are true, and I believe that I don't have any reason why I should explain myself.
In the long run, it is irrelevant. Isn't it?
In the long run, we will always be insignificant. I can feel how I feel and act how I want to act. But someone like me can't act how I feel, nor feel in alignment with how I act. Because it's my job. Staying up late, hiding my name and my face behind thick concrete walls, living on computers and research, convicting Light... And that's the choice I've made.
Light's breathing became softer. His ribcage didn't rise and fall so drastically anymore, but I knew that he was still awake. He said so himself, he couldn't sleep if he felt people would be there. I was here. I removed my gnawed finger from my mouth and even in the darkness I could see indents from my teeth. "Light?" I asked quietly.
He didn't answer.
For a moment I was angry, and then I was curious, and then I was sad. "I'm sorry." When Light was asleep he was nothing more than human. It made me want to sleep too. In the morning he might be Kira and I might be L, and we will be doing our jobs. We will be playing the game. I have concluded this.
Like a mouse my hand crept forward, and before I knew it, it was on his shoulder. He didn't show any sign of movement aside from the slightest twitch of surprise at the touch, so I continued to slide it down his arm. I felt the chain wrapped sloppily around his arm and followed it up like a trail to his wrist where the handcuff was. Light's breathing was unnaturally still now - he was holding his breath.
Gently I picked up his hand in my fingers, which limply he allowed me to do so. I didn't really know what I was doing until I realized I had brought it to me, and I was examining it. I studied every line and vessel that I could see in the dark, as if I were a palm reader with night vision. It was a delicate hand that somehow had killed hundreds of people already. Holding it next to my hand I realized that my hand was a little more pale, but they were the same size. I pressed his palm against mine and traced our fingers - they were about the same length, too. Light's head was turned slightly my way, and I knew he was watching with half-closed eyelids.
I lifted his hand to my lips and I pressed them there, kissing his skin. I lingered for a moment, not thinking about anything comprehensible at all. When that moment was over, I set the hand down again gently on the blankets. Then I hopped off of the bed and onto my feet, turning to leave.
"Ryuuzaki?" Light asked in a voice not more than a whisper.
I turned to look at him again, feeling something uncomfortable that I could not put into words. And then I smiled, realizing that I didn't have to. That was the best I could offer. Whatever it was, I meant it.
When I left I shut the door behind me, so the noise and the light in the hallway wouldn't be able to get into the bedroom. As I walked down the hall back to my computers I thought numbly that that was the best I would ever be able to do to save Light - shutting his door to keep out mild disturbances. I did it happily.
Even though that wasn't my job.
I stepped back onto my chair, and the bright monitor sat in front of me. The names of criminals, alive and dead from countries all around the world, were listed in various fonts in front of me. Words and faces and codes and statistics - all of my tools on this crusade that I decided was mine. It was my crusade for the things that I had decided to believe in. I would work until my eyes were no longer open, and when they open again I would still be right here. It wasn't so much of a burden if I only thought in calculations.
Goodnight, Light-kun.
-End-
Author's Notes:
1. Light at this point, of course, had his memory wiped and has no recollection of being Kira. I noticed that during this period, he certainly isn't less intelligent but is willing to compromise and follow along with Ryuuzaki's plans. They are still competitive but I didn't want to portray Light as actually being a "player" in L's chess game because he is not on a separate side right now.
2. I gave Light the age 18, because though he was 17 when it all started, I think... he was probably 18 by now. He's in college after all.
3. I admit this was initially going to be shounen-ai, but by the time I got there it wasn't necessary any longer to keep the story. In fact I decided it might be a distraction. So take L's kiss how you want - I emphasized friendship more than romance, but still, who knows?
4. I didn't want to portray Light as being really whiny either, because he really does try to be a good sport about his whole "accused for mass murder" thing. But I did want to show how stressful it was for him. I hope I got that across alright.
Thanks as always for reading, everybody!
-Serria