Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!!!

"There's nothing good on TV," complained Saturos, his glazed-over eyes barely noticing the endless parade of talking heads crossing the screen. "Ninety-nine channels, and it's all either C-SPAN or infomercials. Karst, pass me the chips."

Karst sighed. "This is Hell, you know. It's not like they're obliged to provide quality service." She handed him a bowl filled with greasy slivers of what may at one point have been potatoes. "Careful, these have ground glass in them."

As Saturos ate a handful of chips anyway and began to bleed from the mouth, Menardi absentmindedly began flipping through the channels. "C-SPAN 3… male enhancement pills… C-SPAN 12… automatic banana peelers… Best of C-SPAN… portable terrorist detectors…"

She changed the channel once more, and all four of them gaped in awe. "No way…" said Agatio, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. To be fair, it's hard to be comfortable on a couch made from thousands of pestilent locusts. "Those are…"

"I recognize those guys," said Saturos, although his badly-lacerated tongue made it hard to understand him. "Those are the little punks who…"

"…killed us," finished Menardi. "What are they doing on TV?" She stared harder at the show, and gradually noticed the subtitles. "Didn't know we got Japanese channels here. It looks like some sort of game show."

"Might be worth watching," said Karst. "There's always a chance that they'll die horribly. And that Felix… Mmm."

"Duskshipping is fail," said Agatio, pulling a handful of locusts off the couch and flinging them at Karst. The insects missed their intended target and flew towards Saturos's bowl of chips, which they devoured in seconds.

"Asshole," snarled Saturos.

"Can we please just watch?" asked Menardi. "This kind of show is usually pretty sadistic. Who knows what will happen on…"

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME!!!-

The camera panned across the audience and up to a stage, where a grey-haired man stood behind a podium. Next to him were two teams of four Adepts each, which the subtitles identified as the Make Sexy Fun Team and the Spirit Dragon Fang Team. Judging by their uniforms, which were red and blue, it made much more sense to simply call them the red team and the blue team.

"Now our host, wise old man who study alchemy and be spoke-man for drug pill which give old man ability to pleasure old woman with groin solid as Mt. Fuji, introduce two teams," said the subtitles. "Each team consist four members. Team who complete task first win round, other team vote player off. If player die during task we all have super happy fun laugh. Team that survive until end win iPod which have capability of play naughty video."

"Thank you," said Kraden, who obviously didn't understand Japanese. "It is my pleasure to host this game of Super Happy Fun-Time Xtreme, Japan's only game show which is statistically more deadly than vacationing in Sudan. Due to legal liabilities, the host cannot openly root for players to die, but I can say that most of these punks have had it coming for a while. So I'd like you to join us in welcoming our contestants. On the red team, we have…"

"Isaac of Vale, world-renowned hero, master swordsman, and sufferer from chronic disorders of the vocal cords!" Isaac bowed and waved, but could only say '…' and smile.

"Mia of Imil, skilled healer and five-time winner of the Miss Weyard wet T-shirt contest!" Mia smiled and lifted her shirt, much to the delight of the crowd. Sadly, noticed the television viewers, the censors had superimposed happy faces over her chest.

"Jenna of Vale, noted feminist author and adult-film actress!" The audience, disappointed by her radically-leftist books and poor-quality films, booed, to which Jenna extended a single finger. Unfortunately, this was also blurred by the censors.

"And finally, Garet of Vale, recreational-substance enthusiast and convicted felon!" Garet waved to the audience and discreetly took a few sips from a flask of vodka he kept at his waist. He'd never have appeared on this show sober. Come to think of it, he rarely did anything sober.

"On the blue team, we have Piers of Lemuria, master mariner and known pedophile!" His gaze turned to Sheba, and he turned bright red. Ever since that picture had been published in the tabloids, he'd been a social pariah. Love was love, wasn't it? Even if one partner was fourteen and the other one hundred and fourteen? The crowd laughed and jeered.

"Ivan of Kalay, scrawny mind-reading weakling of ambiguous sexuality!" Ivan shot a dirty look at Kraden, but a few seconds of rubbing Piers's leg calmed him down. It always calmed him down.

"Sheba of Anemos, generic mysterious girl and serious jailbait!" Sheba imitated Mia and pulled up her shirt, causing several in the audience to commit hara-kiri out of shame.

"And finally, Felix of Vale, wrist-cutting emo and angst-ridden loser!" Felix pulled out a razor blade and sliced the back of his hand, a single tear rolling down his face.

"Now that we've met our contestants, I'd like to explain the rules of the game," said Kraden. "There will be up to seven rounds, and in each round the teams must complete a task. The team who completes the task first wins immunity as well as a neat prize, while the team that loses must choose one member to vote off – assuming no member of their team has died during that round. The voted-off contestants are sent to the wonderful vacation resort of Iraqistan, where they enjoy sand, sun, and terrorist suicide-bombings! Whichever team is eliminated first loses!"

"All this for an iPod?" asked Jenna. "It better be able to play some pretty hot porn."

"…" replied Isaac.

"We'll be right back with the first round," announced Kraden. "But first, a word from our sponsors."

-SUPER HAPPY COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!-

"I'm going to get some new chips," said Saturos, swatting away the locusts. "Yell for me when the show's back on."

To be continued…