Evils of Alcohol

"Listen up," Magneto stode in front of his assembled Acolytes in the control room. "This is the layout of the facility we will be raiding. Some very promising genetic samples are kept here. Surprise is crucial so we will need to be discrete, efficient, and silent."

"Alright! Let's get going! Yehaa!" Pyro grinned and started to laugh maniacally.

"Oh yeah, this is really gonna work," Sabertooth sneered.

"Pyro you will stay behind," Magneto ordered.

"What?! Why? Why can't I go?" Pyro whinned.

"Because your stealth skills…still require much improvement," Magento delicately phrased.

"Hey, I can be stealthy and sneaky when I want too," Pyro protested.

"Like when you snuck up behind me the other day when I was in the kitchen and yelled, 'Beware the worms!' before dumping a gallon of live worms on my head," Magneto glared.

"Exactly," Pyro nodded his head excitedly. "See, I can be quiet when it's important."

"In that case you will stay behind to reevaluate what you should deem important," Magneto growled. Turning to the other Acolytes he ordered, "Let's move."

"Awww, can't I come? Please please please? I'll be good!" Pyro pleaded as the Acolytes marched to the Sphere Hangar and prepared to leave.

"Just relex homme," Remy clasped Pyro on the shoulder as he was about to enter a sphere. "You'll have the whole base to yourself, so have some fun and make sure the place is still standing when we get back. I'll get a few kicks in for you." Remy climbed into a sphere as the four Acolytes were sealed in and were magnetically propelled upward through a specially disguised opening in the ceiling, through the roof and toward their destination.

"Bugger, I never get to go anywhere," Pyro moped as he headed down the hall. "The only time I've been outta this place since I've been here is when we went and fought the X-Men and Brotherhood and when Gambit was teaching me to ride a bike. Boy was that ever fun! I still feel I deserve a new motorcycle but Mags won't let me have one. What a jerk."

Pyro trudged into the recreation room and flopped into a chair. "Well, let's see what's on the old tube, shall we?" He picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

"The emperor penguin lives in one of the coldest regions in the world where the temperature is often -40 degrees below zero," a nature documentary popped up.

"Oh man, I don't wanna hear about that," Pyro groaned and changed the channel.

Click. "The fridged regions of Siberia were once the locations of Soviet gulags…"

Click. "Presenting the Snowshaker 3000, America's favorite icemaker!"

Click. "It's getting ugly out on the ice as the Pittsburg Penguins try to maintain their 3-1 lead over the Colorado Avalanche!"

Click. "Alaska, also know as the last frontier, is known for its many glaciers…"

Click. "Next on Cartoon Network, Batman & Mr. Freeze: Subzero…"

Click. "Superconductivity has only been observed when certain materials are cooled to their critical temperature, the highest being -136 degrees Celcius."

"Aaarrrgghhhh!" Pyro shut of the TV in disgust. "Snow, ice, glaciers, cold! What's the world coming to? Now I've even getting a little chill." Pyro used his pack to create a small fireball and warmed his hands. "I gotta find something to do or I'll go outta my mind with boredom."

Pyro got up and headed to his room with his fireball. Inside he used the fireball to light a candle on his desk where he sat down and pulled out his black notebook and a pen. Remy once asked why Pyro preferred to write by candlelight instead of artifical light. Pyro said it helped set the mood and he always wrote better when had some fire nearby for inspiration. "Let's see if I can finish that chapter I've been working on." Pyro thought for a second then bent over and started to write.

Twenty minutes later…

"Sylvia cowered in the corner as the gray-cloaked Count Mago slowly advanced toward her. 'You will be mine!' Mago hissed, revealing a wicked grin. Lightning flashed and reflected off his red helmet as he…yes, yes…ah ha! Got it!" Pyro grinned as he finished writing down his train of thought with a flourish. "There! All done!" He leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh. "That went quick. Hmmm, wonder if everyone's back yet?"

Pyro got up, left his room and started walking down the hall yelling. "Hey, yoo-hoo! Anybody back yet? Hey, the echos sound pretty cool down here. Hello, hello! Yodel-la-heee-hooooo! La la la la la! Who'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me!"

After a few minutes Pyro throat started to get dry and he stopped trying to make echos. "Man, I'm getten thirsty," Pyro yawned as he entered the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "Let's see, what do we have in here? Hey, are we still out of Livewire Energizer Cola?! Shoot, I shoulda had the blokes pick some up while they were out. That stuff was gooo-oooood! Really had a kick to it! Kept telling Mags he shoulda had some before it was all gone, but he ignored me as usual and stuck with water and a bottle of aspirin. He's gonna go crazy one of these days from downing all that stuff. Maybe I should get rid of it all and help break his addition to it. Boy, wouldn't Mags like that!"

Pyro continued to rummage through the refridgerator. "Hey what's this?" he reached in the far back and pulled out a small brown bottle. He inspected it. "Hmmm, no label or anything. Wonder what it is? Well, only one way to find out." Pyro uncorked the bottle and took a little sip. Immediately his eyes widened and he started gasping for breath. He shook his head and looked at the bottle with big grin on his face. "Whoa, that's pretty good!" He took another sip…

"Excellent," Magneto said as the four Acolytes returned to the base and exited their spheres. "These samples should be very promising." He turned to the others in the Sphere Hangar. "I'll be studying these in my office. Do not disturb me." Magneto left the hangar.

"Well that was invigorating," Remy said as the three Acolytes walked out of the hangar and headed to the kitchen.

"Compared to the Training Dome it was a cakewalk," Sabertooth grunted.

"I should have had something to eat before we left," Piotr noted while placing a hand over his stomach. "I was hungry the whole time."

"Naw, better to be active on a empty stomach than a full one," Remy advised. "Wouldn't want to get a cramp at a bad time, would ya?"

"Good point," Piotr nodded.

"Wonder what Pyro's been up to? Hope he's not still bummed about not coming…" Remy trailed off as they reached the kitchen and beheld the sight that awaited them.

"Oh yes my little friends!" Pyro let out a deranged laugh as he finished laying out a bizarre table setting on the main kitchen counter. His hair was covered in what appeared to be coffee grounds and he was wearing a large flower apron. "There you go Mr. Salt and Miss. Pepper, just the way you like it!"

"Uh, Pyro what are you doing?" Remy blinked in shock.

"Hey Gamby! So glad you could make it! Miss. Pepper wanted to have a little get together so I whipped up a little something and…MARTHA STEWART!" Pyro literally jumped for joy as he noticed Sabertooth. "Oh Martha, how long I've waited to me thee!"

"What's he yelling about?" Sabertooth growled.

"I think he thinks you are this Martha Stewart," Piotr said.

"Who?" Sabertooth grunted. "Cajun who's is this…why are you laughing?"

"Oh man," Remy tried to suppress his amusement. "The image of you being compared to Martha…" he chuckled uncontrollably.

"Oh Martha, Martha!" Pyro was on his knees bowing to Sabertooth. "I am not worthy, I am not worthy…"

"Knock it off," Sabertooth brushed past Pyro and opened the refrigerator looking for something to drink.

"What's the matter Martha?" Pyro got up and eagerly stood next to Sabertooth. "Huh? Huh? Boy you look kinda hairy. Maybe you should get a haircut."

"Okay Pyro, knock it off with the jokes and settle down," Remy and set a hand on Pyro's shouder.

"Knock it out? Okay," Pyro turned and unsteadily punched Remy right in the face.

"Ow!" Remy stumbled back and rubbed his cheek, more in shock at Pyro than at the punch which hadn't been very hard. "What's the big idea?"

"Hey Gamby, you gotta help me impress Martha," Pyro grabbed an armload of dishes off the counter and carried them to the sink. He started to wash them off while splashing water everywhere and turning on the garbage disposal. "We'll clean everything up and make a big ol' meal for her and…oops!" Something dropped down the sink where it was soon dealt with by the disposal. "Oh well, no biggie. Couldn't have been important. What was I doing again?"

"What the heck's gotten into him?" Remy scratched his head. "He's usually not this weird."

"What is this?" Piotr picked up the discarded brown bottle from the floor.

"Hey, that's my special brew!" Sabertooth snatched the bottle from Piotr's hand. "It's empty! The Firebug must've drunk it all!"

"What was that stuff?" Remy asked.

"Stuff that makes scotch, rum, and vodka seem like water," Sabertooth growled.

"You mean he is drunk?" Piotr asked.

"What'da think?" Sabertooth gave him a look.

"Ohboyohboyohboy!" Pyro giggled maniacally. "Let's make napkin holders and toothpick dispensers outta sour cream!"

"Why do you even have that stuff in the refridgerator in the first place?" Remy demanded.

"Cause the boss never got me my own fridge," Sabertooth shot back.

"Hey Martha, what's wrong baby?" Pyro ran up to Sabertooth. "You look sad. You need some cheering up! Oh I know, let's go riding on the skullhead! Hahahaha!" Pyro ran out of the kitchen laughing insanely.

"Skullhead? What is a skullhead?" Piotr scratched his head.

"Maybe it's a codename for something, like a rotating chair," Remy thought.

"The only thing with a skull in the base…is the front frame…of…my…MOTORCYCLE!" Sabertooth roared.

"WHAT!" Remy and Piotr shouted.

"YIPPEE!" Pyro was heard yelling in the direction of the garage.

"AFTER HIM!" The three Acolytes tore out of the kitchen and ran like mad to cut Pyro off from the garage.

"We gotta stop him!" Remy yelled.

"He's dangerous enough driving when he's sober!" Piotr agreed.

"A drunken Pyro on a motorcycle," Remy blanched. "The horror…the horror…"

"Alright here's the skullhead! And I've even got the key!" Pyro giggled in the distance.

"HE WHAT?! HOW DID HE GET THAT?!" Sabertooth roared.

"WHO CARES! STOP HIM! STOP HIM!" Remy yelled.

The three Acolytes burst into the garage to see Pyro seated on Sabertooth's bike. "Here we go!"

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Remy quickly charged up three cards and hurled them at the bike. The cards exploded directly beneath the handlebars, knocking Pyro up and away from the bike.

"MY BIKE!" Sabertooth bent down the inspect the scorch marks the cards had left on the bike's frame. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING CAJUN!"

"Whoa, what a ride!" Pyro giggled as he lay sprawled on the floor.

"Hey what was I supposed to do?" Remy protested. "It's not like your bike's ruined or anything."

"Give me back my key!" Sabertooth picked Pyro up by his collar and shook him.

"O-kie dokie," Pyro giggled and handled over his key.

Sabertooth started at what Pyro had placed in his palm. "Pyro, this is a can opener!"

"Oopsie! Well then that thing I accidentally ran through the garbage disposal must have been…" Pyro shrugged.

"WHAT!" Sabertooth nearly tore into Pyro right there, but Piotr held him back. "YOU DESTOYED MY BIKE KEY! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Stop it! He does not know what he is doing!" Piotr struggled to restrain Sabertooth.

"WANNA BET!" Sabertooth howled.

"Awww, what's the matter? Don't you wanna be my friend?" Pyro pouted looked up from the floor. "I have lots of friends. They're very bright and hot and I make 'em myself. I haven't seen them in a while. Oh no! What if something's happned to them! I gotta find them!" Pyro managed to get to his feet and stumbled out of the garage.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" Sabertooth roared.

"Let him go," Remy tapped Piotr shoulder.

"What? Why?" Piotr looked at Remy.

"Because while he's distracting Pyro you and I can sneak up and subdue him," Remy said.

"Oh, alright," Piotr released his hold on Sabertooth.

"DIE!" Sabertooth ran off after Pyro.

"Come on!" Remy and Piotr followed Sabertooth.

"What happened to the hallway?" Piotr looked around as they ran. The hallway now sported purple stripes and pink polka dots. "And how did the bathroom sink get stuck to the ceiling?"

"Pyro must have done it while we were gone," Remy said glancing inside the recreation room which now resembled a wonderland of toilet paper and shaving cream. "Though I have to admit, the glitter and plastic drinking straw depiction of Mags being eaten by barracudas is quite good."

"What are we going to do with Pyro?" Piotr asked as they ran.

"We gotta knock him out before he hurts himself," Remy replied as they neared the control room. "He should be tiring out so it shouldn't be too hard...WHAT THE?" Remy pulled to a stop as he entered the room and stared in shock.

"Oh my…" Piotr gasped at the sight.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro cackled as he held a cape connected at his neck out to either side of him like wings. He also wore a pair of inline skates. But the most frightening thing was his eyes and mouth were covered in flames. Apparently Pyro was still able to control his powers to some degree, and as long as the flames were under his control he would not be harmed by them.

"Man, he's gotta be beyond crazy now," Remy gaped at Pyro's appearance.

"I am Zippo the fire breathing dragon!" Pyro declared as he used his powers to shoot out a jet of flame from his mouth.

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" Sabertooth yelled as he was caught by Pyro's blast. He started rolling around trying to extinguish his clothes and fur.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Behold Zippo the dragon! None can stand up to me!" Pyro laughed maniacally as he starting setting a few chairs on fire.

"We shall see," Piotr armored up and advanced toward Pyro.

"Ooooh, a shining knight in armor! Let's see how good your armor is!" Pyro giggled uncontrollably and let loose another stream of flame from his mouth.

Piotr easily withstood Pyro's onslaught and continued toward him. "Good enough!"

"Oh no! The knight is still approaching! Well maybe he'll stop to prevent getting his armor messy!" Pyro tossed a balloon filled with something at Piotr with surprising accuracy. It hit Piotr right in the face.

"Hey what is this?" Piotr sputtered as the balloon's contents covered his head. He licked a little bit of it off his cheek. "Tastes like…chocolate pudding?"

"Now let's see how tough you are!" Pyro shot out more flames from his mouth at Piotr. The intense heat immediately caused the chocolate pudding to burn and harden to charred gunk, directly over Piotr's eyes. And like any good cook knows, burned chocolate pudding is very hard to clean off metal surfaces and leaves a very messy residue behind.

"Aaaahhhhhh!" Piotr stumbled forward blindly while trying to clear his vision. "I can not see!"

"Colossus! Look out for the…" Remy called out.

CRASH!

"Wall," Remy finished.

"Hahahaha! Not so tough are you now bold knight!" Pyro cackled at Piotr's plight and set a nearby wall on fire.

"Sorry about this homme, but you leave me no choice," Remy muttered and threw three slightly charged cards at Pyro in an attempt to knock him out.

"Whoa!" Pyro just barely ducked the incoming cards and watched them explode against the wall, leaving noticeable scorch marks. Pyro glanced at Remy. "You wanna play tag? You'll have to catch me first! Wahhoooooo!" Pyro started to skate down the hall in a very haphazard path.

"Come back here!" Remy chased after Pyro.

"Where is he?" Piotr called out, still scraping at his eyes.

"Over here! Just follow the sound of my voice!" Remy called out.

CRASH!

"Uh, maybe we should try a different method."

"MY COAT! THE FIREBUG RUINED MY COAT! THAT'S IT! HE'S DEAD MEAT!"

"Calm down! If you hadn't left that stuff where he could get it…ah, got a shot!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"HAHAHAHAHA! MISSED ME! MISSED ME!"

"Hey look out! The fires are spreading beyond the walls and furnature!"

"Someone help guide me!"

"DIE PYRO DIE!"

WHOOOOSSSSHHHHH!

"AAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Oh come on, being set on fire can't be that bad!"

CRASH!

"YOU CAN'T STOP A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON! FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS ARE INVINCIBLE!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Just then Magneto emerged from his private office with a scowl. "How disappointing! All that work to get the samples and they turn out to be useless. Maybe I should try radiating them with…WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?!" Magneto shouted as he saw half the control room full of scorch marks and the other half on fire.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pyro skated up and down the length of the room.

"PYRO YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO STAIGHTEN UP AND STOP THIS NONSENSE!" Magneto roared.

"It's not his fault!" Remy ran up to Magneto. "You see, Pyro got into some of Sabertooth's stash of alcohol and got a little drunk…"

"A LITTLE?!"

"Okay, really drunk. But he can't help his behavior and the damage that he's causing."

CRASH!

Piotr ran through another wall and nearly hit Magneto as he stumbled past them.

"And not all the damage is his fault," Remy gulped.

"Okay," Magneto's face was slightly purple as he processed this information. "I will not get angry. I will not get angry. I will remain calm and deal with this in a logical and reasonable manner." Magneto then did a quick about face and marched back into his office, slamming the door shut with a resounding clang.

"Wow, he took that better than I thought he would," Remy blinked.

"WHERE IS HE?!" Sabertooth stormed into the room, most of his fur blackened or burned off.

"That is what I keep asking," Piotr kept rubbing at his eyes. His paused for a moment. "Do you feel that?"

"Feel what?" Remy asked.

RUUUUUUMMMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!

"That," Piotr said as the room started to shake.

"Weird, that sounds a lot like…" Sabertooth's eyes went wide. "Oh no…"

"What?" Remy pressed.

"I am all powerful! I am invulnerable! I am…" Pyro stopped in the doorway of the room to see a huge wall of water heading straight towards him. "Oh boy…"

WWHHOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHH!

"AAAAHHHHHH!" The Acolytes screamed as the tidal wave of the water knocked most of them off their feet and swirled around the room, extinguishing the many fires spread throughout the base. The water rapidly filled the room until it nearly reached the ceiling.

"Gaahhhh!" Remy sputtered as he tried to keep his head above water.

"Grrrr!" Sabertooth managed to dig his claws into a wall and struggled to hold on.

"Mmurrrbbb!" Piotr stood rock steady on the floor which was about twenty feet below the surface.

With barely a foot of air left in the room, the water level suddenly began to drop. Remy managed to stay afloat as he rode the tide back down to the floor. As he stood in the remaining two feet of water he saw that the entire floor had taken on a a grate-like form, allowing the water to empty the room.

Then the door to Magneto's office opened and Magneto strode out into the room. "Good, it looks like all the fires are out."

"You did that?" Remy cleared out the remaining water from his ears and looked at Magneto in wonder. "How did you do it? What was all that?"

"That was the new fire suppression system," Magneto explained. "Below the entire base are huge water tanks attached to metal pumps. I simply used my powers to create a few openings and pump the water in. Then I manipulated the floor to become a giant grate and return the water back to the storage tanks."

"Wow," Remy was impressed.

"Now where's Pyro?" Magneto looked around.

"Over here," Piotr had managed to clear his eyes enough so he could see somewhat and was kneeling over Pyro's sprawled form. "He is alright. I think the initial rush of water knocked him out."

"Good. Take him to the infirmary," Magneto ordered.

"Hey! I'm still stuck up here!" Sabertooth shouted from the ceiling. "My claws are stuck!"

"Oh really," Magneto stretched out his hand and manipulated the ceiling, freeing Sabertooth's claws and leaving him with nothing to hold onto.

"Aaaahhhhhhh!" Sabertooth shouted as he fell.

WHAM!

"There, you're free," Magneto turned his back on him.

"Ohhh…" Sabertooth moaned.

"Now get Pyro out of my sight," Magneto ordered.

"Right," Remy gulped and he and Piotr carried Pyro out of the room.

Magneto turned and went back into his office holding his head, "My base! My wonderful, wonderful base! I knew it was only a matter of time before that maniac set the whole place on fire but this too much! If I wasn't on such shaky ground with Charles I'd go over to his mansion and ask him to erase my mind of this incident. Hmmm, maybe I should start looking for a telepath of my own. Wouldn't hurt to look."

I do not support the consumption of alcohol by minors or the abuse of any substance. Its purpose in this story is for humor only.

Pyro being a fan of Martha Stewart is mentioned in several of Red Witch's stories.