Chapter 19: Can't Take It
You speak to me
I know this will be temporary
You ask to leave,
but I can tell you that I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and
I've waited long enough to make it
and if you're so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go
Step up to me
I know that you've got something buried
I'll set you free
You set conditions, but I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and
I've waited long enough to make it
and if you're so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go
Come back home, won't you come back home?
You step in line, you got a lot to prove
It comes and goes
Yeah, it comes and goes
A step in time, yeah it's a lot to move
I know this will be temporary
I know this will be temporary
know this will be, but I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and
I've waited long enough to make it
and if you're so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go
White. Everything was white. Ellie hated white, it was her least favourite colour. Even the stupid gown they had made her wear was white, she guessed it had something to do with it making it easier to see if she happened to manage to hurt herself. She uncomfortably rolled over the casts on her arms getting in her way as she tried to find a more comfortable position to lie in. she gave up after a few minutes and sat up instead resting her arms on her knees as she lent on one of the padded walls. She sighed tiredly; she was tired of being here, she had reached the point where she was even tired of fighting to live.
What was she supposed to do, smile and fake being happy, when inside she could barely bring herself to get out of bed in the mornings? She knew she had to do something about it, she couldn't live like this anymore, she leant back on the padded wall, as she did she heard jingling and door locked on the door clicked open.
"Your lunch" Nurse crawly nodded offering her a white round sheet of plastic with some sandwiches on it.
Ellie wrinkled her nose as she accepted the food and picked up the first sandwich taking a small bite chewing thoughtfully. An Idea struck her as she brought the sandwich took her mouth for the third time. If she kept feeding her body, she'd keep living. But then if she didn't maybe then she'd just fade away. It wasn't like they kept an eye on whether she was eating or her weight like they did with Callie, it would be easy and although it might be slow it wouldn't be obvious and she'd end up in the same place. She forced herself to eat the rest of the sandwich promising herself that the minute she was out of the secure room and away from the constant watch of the nurses she would be able to do it. More thoughts accumulated in her mind about exactly how she could get away with her idea as the day passed and she occupied herself planning how to do it without anyone noticing.
By the time Nurse Davies let her out of the secure room a few hours later, a new determination had entered Ellie's mind as she left the white secure room, she was determined to make everything seem ok, look ok. She was determined to show everyone around her she was fine. It was all part of her plan, all she had to do was convince everyone she was ok and Make sure no one realised her plan so she could fade away slowly without them realising.
She sat down and started at the plate of food in front of her, when Nurse Crawly's back was turned she grabbed a handful of her chips and stuffed them into the large front pocket on her hoody. Step one complete, she moved her food around her plate glancing up every now and again.
"So you're out of the secure room" Izzy commented as she sat down opposite Ellie.
"Yeah and Your looking a bit brighter today" Alex added sitting down next to Izzy
"I did some thinking" Ellie shrugged "I mean what else was there to do in there"
"Stare at the walls?" Izzy suggested
"Apart from that" Ellie let a mall smile cross her face "Anyway I Can't keep going on like this"
"Step one in recovery, realisation." Alex nodded
"Good for you Ellie" Izzy nodded
"Thanks" Ellie smiled "I Think I'm going to go check my emails"
"Ok Ellie see you later" Izzy smiled as Ellie stood up and put her tray away.
She stepped into the corridor feeling slightly light headed but a small smile covering her face. She headed into the bathroom and emptied her pocket into one of toilets which she promptly flushed and watched as the food disappeared. No one would ever know.
The next few days passed, Ellie started to talk in her sessions with Rosewood, who seemed to think of it as some huge break though; little did she know Ellie had lied her way through most of the sessions. Group sessions continued on as normal, Ellie started sprouting some lies about how much better she felt she was doing for good measure. Everyone was convinced Ellie was starting her road to recovery, no one noticed at meal times when she hid what ever food she could in her pocket. She always went to the bathroom straight after and flushed it all away, she soon learn what she couldn't flush away easily. In Ellie's opinion everything was going just as she had planned.
Sunday arrived and Nurse Crawly brought Paige, Ashley, Alex, Marco and Jay up to Ellie and Callie's room where Ellie was reading a book borrowed from Callie.
"Visitors for you Ellie!" Nurse Crawly smiled
"Hey El" Paige smiled as she led the group into the room.
"Woah aren't you the lucky one" Callie commented with a laugh "five visitors" Ellie smiled a thought crossed her mind, this may be the last time she saw them all, she shook the thought off and jumped up.
"Callie, This is Paige, Alex, Ashley and Jay, you met Marco last time, everyone this is Callie." Ellie introduced them all "I wasn't expecting so many of you" she added as Marco pulled her into a hug.
"Well hun, Alex and I were originally going to come with Marco but Ashley wanted to come too and Alex forced Jay to drive us." Paige told her "anyway how are you?"
"Good" Ellie nodded "everything's going really well"
"That's fantastic hun" Paige said pulling her into a hug which she returned half heartedly
"It's getting kind of boring with out you round Degrassi Vampy" Alex told her with a smile "it's just not the same without having to worry whether you might come bite me in my sleep"
"I missed you too Bitch" Ellie replied
Callie observed the exchange raising an eyebrow.
"Thanks for driving everyone up Jay" Ellie added turning to the tall boy
"No problem Red, Lexi forced me anyway" he rolled his eyes "she knows my buttons"
"Threaten him with lack of sex and he'll do anything, hormonal twit" Alex whispered in Ellie's ear.
"Its much less hospitally that I thought it would be" Ashley commented "so you like it here?"
"Yeah" Ellie nodded "I think this really helping me" she added for effect.
"So do we get the guided tour or what?" Paige asked looking around curiously
"Sure" Ellie nodded "See you in a bit Callie" she added before leading the group out.
Ellie gave them a quick tour of the ward before leading them over to the sofa area where she slumped down tiredly forcing a smile onto her face. Marco noticed for the first time Ellie's smile seemed completely fake and looked over at her slightly concerned. They talked about what was going on back at Degrassi for awhile and Ellie told them a little more about her 'progress'. Marco started to realise that Ellie was defiantly faking it, she reminded him of when she first started cutting and she was always plastering those same smiles on her face. At four jay announced if they weren't ready to leave in five minutes he wouldn't be giving them lifts. Everyone hugged Ellie and bid her goodbye and Marco waited until the end and pulled her aside away from where the others could hear.
"You're not ok are you?" Marco asked her straight away
"Of course I am" Ellie said faltering a little as he saw through her front he raised and eyebrow and she sighed "Well I'm not 100 yet ok, its hard, but I'll get through it"
"I Know you will" Marco hugged her close and they rejoined the group. Ellie watched as they all left chatting happily and waving to her.
Monday morning came and Ellie dragged herself out of bed and enjoyed an extremely 'productive' morning with Rosewood as she fought off dizziness that threatened her. She returned to her room where she lay down on the bed, physically and mentally exhausted from the effort of the morning.
"You ok?" Callie asked coming into the room and spotting Ellie crashed out on her bed
"Yep, just had a very deep session with Rosewood" Ellie sighed not bothering to sit up.
"ah" Callie nodded picking up her book "so you really feel your getting somewhere?"
"Defiantly, somewhere" Ellie nodded as she thought about the lightness in her head.
"That's good" Callie nodded
"Mmhmm" Ellie agreed closing her eyes.
Callie glanced over at her, either it was her imagination or Ellie had lost a fair bit of weight since she returned from the secure room, not that she had been particularly big in the first place, Callie noticed she was wearing a couple of hoodies rather than just one. Little things about Ellie were suddenly starting to remind her of when she was not eating; she decided to keep a closer eye on the other girl just in case, if she started to see more signs she would go to Doctor Rosewood and tell her of her suspicions.
Ellie left the dining hall with Tyson and Dillian as Callie entered at breakfast the next day. Callie cursed a little as she want watch Ellie eat for signs because that would be the best way to get proof.
"I'm just going to nip to the loo before group" Ellie told Tyson and Dillian and popping into the cubicle depositing the broken up slice of toast into the toilet and flushing it away before heading towards group. She took her usual seat and hummed to herself as Amy went round the circle asking about their weekends.
"Ellie, Ellie?" Amy asked loudly as Tyson lent over and poked her she snapped out of her thoughts and forced a smiled
"Oh sorry, I had a good weekend my friends from school came to see me" Ellie told her as Amy gave her a concerned look
"Is that all?" Amy asked Ellie tried to think of what else she had done that weekend but her mind drew a blank
"Just the usual stuff" She shrugged "My friends visit was defiantly the highlight though" Amy nodded a little more satisfied with her answer before moving on.
"Are you ok Ellie?" Izzy asked as they left group "You completely zoned out there for awhile"
"I'm fine" Ellie told her as they walked her head felt extremely light and she was finding every step harder than the last.
"I Wonder what's for dinner, I'm starving" Tyson added as they walked
Izzy and Tyson were talking about the session, Ellie distinctly heard Holly's name but she wasn't completely listening, it was getting hard to breathe, her head was spinning.
"Woah Ellie" Tyson said grabbing her and holding her steady as she swayed "are you ok?" he asked letting go of her shoulders
"Of course I…" Ellie started before she collapsed sideways, falling to the floor knocking her head on one of the corridors chairs as she fell.
"Quick, get one of the nurses!" Tyson told Izzy who immediately headed down the corridor to the dining hall.
"Nurse Davies!" Izzy said bursting into the dining hall making all the others that were eating stop to look at her. "Ellie's collapsed"
"Ok Izzy, Sarah get someone got bring a stretcher and we'll take her down to the ward" Nurse Davies said hurrying over and following Izzy back to the corridor where Tyson was leaning over Ellie.
"What happened?" Nurse Davies asked checking Ellie's pulse and putting her in the recovery position
"She swayed a little and I helped steady her up then she just fell down, she hit her head on the chair" Tyson added pointing the fact Ellie's head was bleeding.
"Ok" Nurse Davies nodded we'll get her downstairs and get her checked over by Doctor Reyes, if it had been any other day she'd have had to go to hospital."
The stretcher arrived and two technicians carried Ellie downstairs towards the ward, Tyson, Izzy and Callie (who had joined them) followed them down wanting to know what had happened to their friend. They were sent to sit with Nurse Crawly in one of the offices while they waited. Nurse Davies came in about half an hour later.
"She's stable, we stitched up her head, and put her on a drip it appears she hasn't eaten in at least a week, did any of you notice anything?" Nurse Davies asked, Tyson and Izzy both shook their heads and Callie looked down at her hands.
"Yesterday she reminded me a bit of when I wasn't eating" Callie commented "I feel so stupid for not coming to one of you straight away."
"You weren't to know" Nurse Davies said placing a hand on Callie's shoulder. "Sarah why don't you escort these two back to the main area and Callie you can come have a half hour session with Doctor Rosewood." Callie nodded and they three of them were split up.
The light coming through Ellie's eyelids was hurting her eye's maybe the sun was shining though her window again, it always did that. Ellie's eyes flickered open, the light around her hurting her eyes sending a sharp pain through the front of her brain she went to reach up automatically to hold her head but something was in her hand. Panicking she tugged at the tube that was sticking out of her hand, She felt hands restraining her and realised there was blood running down her hand.
"She's awake" a semi familiar voice said from somewhere on her right "We need to re do the drip she's pulled it out"
"Ok, just a second" a second voice replied
"Ellie, calm down" The voice of the person who was holding her down said softly as she squirmed trying to pull away wondering where she was.
Ellie let out a muffled yell as she felt someone push something sharp into her hand.
"What's going on" she managed to get out her voice was hoarse and barely come out as a whisper but the person holding her down obviously heard her.
"You collapsed, you're in the ward at Forest View" The person told her.
Forest view, where did Ellie recognise that from? Her mind was working over time until the events of the past month clicked, Sean leaving, trying to kill herself, getting moved to Forest view, the white room, stopping eating…
"It didn't work" she said quietly a few tears springing form her eyes "It didn't fucking work"
"What didn't work?" The person holding her down asked, Ellie suddenly recognised her as Nurse Davies.
"The happy front, the food… I was supposed to fade away, disappear, I would be happy then, I could hurt anyone anymore" she said the tears now running freely down her cheeks
"It's ok Ellie" Nurse Davies told her softly
"It's not ok" Ellie yelled as loudly as her unused voice would let her "I Want to die, let me die!" she screamed wriggling and squirming under Nurse Davies "Why won't you let me!"
"Because you have a lot to live for Ellie" Nurse Davies told her "I think we need to sedate her, she's getting hysterical" she added in a low whisper to Doctor Reyes who nodded and brought a needle over.
"Please…" Ellie said as her eyes slipped shut.
"I Think her not eating was another suicide attempt" Nurse Davies commented as she used some padded wrist, stomach and ankle cuffs to hold Ellie down.
"I think Jane should be informed of all the things Ellie's said, it seems like she's been hiding a lot." Doctor Reyes told Nurse Davies "Maybe she hasn't made as much progress as we thought it seems as though this 'recovery' she had over the past two weeks was a cover up"
"Yeah it's a shame, she was really starting to look like she'd had a break through but obviously not." Nurse Davies nodded looking down at the pale girl in the bed.
A/n Sorry its taken so long to update, Its been a busy year at Uni and I've not really had much inspiration for this story but I'll update again next time I get a chapter finished which might be sooner since I've been a bit more inspired recently..