I'll disclaim your ass!
I own nothing. This is not real. NOT REAL I TELL YA!!! Anything else... don't think so... I don't own the characters, actors, etc, although it would be funny if I did. Yes it would!!!!
CHARMEDED EPISODE 1: DUMPED IN THE MIDDLE WITH NO EXPLANATION.
SCENE A: TEASER.
THE ENTIRE CAST SIT TOGETHER IN A CANDID SHOT. NO ONE REALISES THAT THEY'RE RECORDING.
SHANNEN: Look, Alyssa, all I'm saying is that if you let me cut your pay by 87%, I can use the money to feed starving people!
ALYSSA: I dunno, Shannen. DOn't I have my own charity?
HOLLY: I think you do.
SHANNEN: Yeah, like I give a ****.
BRAIN: Alyssa?
ALYSSA: Yes sweetie?
BRAIN: It would really turn me on if you changed your last name to Jones.
SHANNEN SNICKERS. HOLLY LOOKS AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
ROSE: I don't get it.
SHANNEN: Remember that movie, Chasing Amy?
HOLLY: Oh. Oh!!!
HOLLY SNICKERS. AS DOES JULIAN, SHANNEN AND BRIAN.
ROSE: I still don't get it.
SHANNEN: Quiet, you outcast. Look at your stupid hair.
ALYSSA: What's so funny? Guys, what does that red light above the camera mean?
SHANNEN: Holy crap we're on air!
BRAIN: We're going live?
HOLLY: (aside, to Brian) A little tip; do NOT point out Shannen's mistakes if you wanna stay on the show, kapeesh?
JULIAN: Uh... what's my line, mate?
SHANNEN: Julian! I mean, Cole! Stop putting on that Australian accent!
SHANNEN, NOW IN CHARACTER GIVES HIM EVILS.
PRUE: It sounds funny, right Phoebe?
ALYSSA: What?
PRUE: Right PHOEBE?
ALYSSA: Oh right. No, wait, I can do better;
PHOEBE: Gotcha.
LEO: I gotta go.
HE ORBS OUT.
BRIAN: I was meant to orb out there, right?
JULIAN: No, you were actually meant to simply leave the room.
HOLLY: That would explain how you're still in the room, Brain.
PRUE: Leo!
HOLLY: Ah screw it Shannen, we already messed up the scene.
SHANNEN: Okay. Again! From the top!
ROSE: When do I get to say something?
ROLL OPENING CREDITS. TITLE THEME SONG: How Now Is Soon?
*
SCENE B:
KITCHEN. THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES (PIPER, PHOEBE AND PAIGE) ARE FIGHTING A DEMON.
PAIGE: Ahhh we're all gonna die!
PIPER: I wish she'd stop saying that. However - it is nice to have someone with as strange a name as mine...
PAIGE: Die, I tell ya!
PIPER: And the same amount of letters...
PHOEBE: I can spell my last name.
THE DEMON HESITATES. THEN APPLAUDS HER. PIPER ROLLS HER EYES.
PIPER: Please, don't-
PAIGE: Encourage her.
PIPER: (to paige) Hey!
PAIGE: What?
PIPER: You stole my line! What, am I getting written out too?
PAIGE: I don't know what you're talking about. (covers mouth and eyes dart about, whimpers)
PIPER: (to ceiling) Is this because I was friends with Shannen?
PHOEBE: (to demon) Can you be my friend?
DEMON: Well, I was gonna kill you...
PAIGE: (to piper) You got nothing to worry about.
DEMON: But alright. Can we play... in your attic?
PHOEBE: Okay. whispers obviously That's the 'magic' room!
DEMON AND PHOEBE EXIT.
PAIGE: Okay. I'll cook us some dinner.
PIPER: I'm the cook!
PAIGE: Hey - don't make me freeze your ass!
PIPER: I'm the one with the freez...er!
PAIGE: Whatever.
PAIGE PUTS HER HAND ON THE TABLE. SUDDENLY SHE DOUBLES OVER WITH PAIN.
PAIGE: Ow! The agony!
PIPER: Ha ha.
PAIGE: Oh my god - Phoebe!
PIPER: What about her?
PAIGE: In my premonition-
PIPER: What? Who died and made you... all of us?
PAIGE: Prue, actually.
PIPER: ... that's very true. So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-
PIPER: Hey...
PAIGE: Dreamwalking, Healing Touch, Shapeshifting, Possession and Weather Control, and my personal favourite, Flower Arranging.
PIPER: Wow that's quite a repertoire you got there!
PAIGE: Yeah, so?
PIPER: Well, you know-
PAIGE GRABS PIPER BY THE THROAT.
PAIGE: Don't get on the wrong side of me, Halliwell.
PIPER: Halliwell? That's your name as well!
PAIGE LIFTS PIPER OFF THE GROUND BY HER NECK.
PAIGE: Don't screw with me, Halliwell, it's not a place you'd like to be.
PIPER: Okay Dokie! Oh - what happened to Phoebe?
PAIGE STARES.
PIPER: In your premontion?
PAIGE: Premonition, premonition... oh yeah! With so many great powers, it's really hard to keep track. She was getting killed.
PIPER: What? Holy - we gotta get upstairs! Why weren't you watching and prying into her life?
PAIGE: Maybe cos I'm not Prue.
PIPER: ... dammit! That's what Prue spent most of her time doing!
PIPER EXITS. PAIGE ASTRAL PROJECTS. BEHIND HER, A WINDOW SLOWLY GRATES OPEN. WE SEE SMALL FINGERS OVER THE SILL, THEN BLACK HAIR, EYES AND SOON, A VERY MUCH NOT DEAD PRUE IS IN THE ROOM.
PRUE: So. We meet again do we? Just because I don't sleep with the boss enough I get axed eh? Well, in the words of Shannon Hamilton, I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair, Bruce. Except your name isn't Bruce. Ah screw it I mucked up. Dammit. Ah well. Cue evil laugh: Mwa ha ha ha!
SHE ADVANCES ON PAIGE.
*
UPSTAIRS, PAIGE HAS JUST VANQUISHED THE DEMON. PIPER GETS UP FROM A TABLE WHICH SHE HAS JUST BROKEN, MAINLY BECAUSE SHE FLEW INTO IT.
PAIGE: I'm the man!
PHOEBE: Hey he was playing with me!
PIPER: Phoebe - you were playing at 'Kill Phoebe' again, weren't you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. And as per usual you guys intervened and got in the way before we finished!
PAIGE: Got in the way is right. Piper, next time watch out - when I say move, I really mean 'move your ass out of my goddamn way!'
PIPER: Fine, but did you have to throw me out of the way?
PAIGE: ... no.
SHE ASTRALS OUT. WE HEAR SCREAMING AND EVIL LAUGHTER. PIPER AND PHOEBE EXIT.
*
KITCHEN. PIPER AND PHOEBE ENTER TO SEE PAIGE LYING ON THE FLOOR, SEVERLY BEATEN UP. PRUE STANDS OVER HER LAUGHING.
PRUE: Mwa ha haaooh crap hi sisters.
PIPER: Prue?
PRUE: You say what we all want to hear.
PHOEBE: Okay, there's no doubt about it, thanks to that little remark. That is definitely Prue.
PAIGE: Guys! Help me!
PIPER: Ah use your powers.
PAIGE: ... okay.
PRUE SUDDENLY JERKS AROUND A BIT.
PRUE: Ich. I feel unclean!
PIPER: Prue? You okay?
PRUE: Yeah... from now on, can you refer to me as Paige?
PHOEBE: Sure!
THE THREE OF THEM EXIT LAUGHING, JOKING AND TALKING OF MEMORIES PAST. PAIGE LIES ON THE GROUND.
PAIGE: whispered Guys? Guys... help! It's Prue! She switched bodies... help me!
SILENCE.
*
END.
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen to the unaware sisters? Will Prue ever be in a show and stay? Will Piper ever find her nail varnish remover? And will Phoebe ever realise that her skirt is tucked into her panties? Tune in next time. Unless Prue has a temper tantrum and the show is axed. In the next episode:
PREVIEW:
PAIGE: Guys! I'm not Paige, I'm Prue! Let me out of the basement! Please! The Woogieman is threatening to ping my bra!
*
PRUE: I never liked that Prue anyway.
PIPER: Prue - you're Prue!
PRUE: I told you to call me Paige, Halliwell!
*
PHOEBE: Piper, I'm getting suspicious - Prue-
PIPER: Paige.
PHOEBE: Right. She's acting all weird, and keeps referring to herself in the third person...
PIPER: What, like when she says "When are we gonna feed Prue to the hounds?" and stuff?
*
VOICE OVER LADY: And you can watch that next time on 'Charmeded', the show that is almost Charmed but not quite.
AS CREDITS ROLL:
VOICE OVER MAN: We have a small article here. Apparently, there will not be a next time of 'Charmeded' because of ratings, which are on average, zero. The makers of Charmeded have announced it's all about the fans, and no further episodes of Charmeded will be made until it has been requested by fans. How sad.
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Agreed. How sad.
KT: You heard the man! You want more, you gotta ask! Or not, whatever. I got the first six episodes all ready to go, just like in the big bad real world. But according to the magazine reviews of the show, which I will be posting after episode 3, it's doing okay! According to some. ie, not all.
I own nothing. This is not real. NOT REAL I TELL YA!!! Anything else... don't think so... I don't own the characters, actors, etc, although it would be funny if I did. Yes it would!!!!
CHARMEDED EPISODE 1: DUMPED IN THE MIDDLE WITH NO EXPLANATION.
SCENE A: TEASER.
THE ENTIRE CAST SIT TOGETHER IN A CANDID SHOT. NO ONE REALISES THAT THEY'RE RECORDING.
SHANNEN: Look, Alyssa, all I'm saying is that if you let me cut your pay by 87%, I can use the money to feed starving people!
ALYSSA: I dunno, Shannen. DOn't I have my own charity?
HOLLY: I think you do.
SHANNEN: Yeah, like I give a ****.
BRAIN: Alyssa?
ALYSSA: Yes sweetie?
BRAIN: It would really turn me on if you changed your last name to Jones.
SHANNEN SNICKERS. HOLLY LOOKS AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
ROSE: I don't get it.
SHANNEN: Remember that movie, Chasing Amy?
HOLLY: Oh. Oh!!!
HOLLY SNICKERS. AS DOES JULIAN, SHANNEN AND BRIAN.
ROSE: I still don't get it.
SHANNEN: Quiet, you outcast. Look at your stupid hair.
ALYSSA: What's so funny? Guys, what does that red light above the camera mean?
SHANNEN: Holy crap we're on air!
BRAIN: We're going live?
HOLLY: (aside, to Brian) A little tip; do NOT point out Shannen's mistakes if you wanna stay on the show, kapeesh?
JULIAN: Uh... what's my line, mate?
SHANNEN: Julian! I mean, Cole! Stop putting on that Australian accent!
SHANNEN, NOW IN CHARACTER GIVES HIM EVILS.
PRUE: It sounds funny, right Phoebe?
ALYSSA: What?
PRUE: Right PHOEBE?
ALYSSA: Oh right. No, wait, I can do better;
PHOEBE: Gotcha.
LEO: I gotta go.
HE ORBS OUT.
BRIAN: I was meant to orb out there, right?
JULIAN: No, you were actually meant to simply leave the room.
HOLLY: That would explain how you're still in the room, Brain.
PRUE: Leo!
HOLLY: Ah screw it Shannen, we already messed up the scene.
SHANNEN: Okay. Again! From the top!
ROSE: When do I get to say something?
ROLL OPENING CREDITS. TITLE THEME SONG: How Now Is Soon?
*
SCENE B:
KITCHEN. THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES (PIPER, PHOEBE AND PAIGE) ARE FIGHTING A DEMON.
PAIGE: Ahhh we're all gonna die!
PIPER: I wish she'd stop saying that. However - it is nice to have someone with as strange a name as mine...
PAIGE: Die, I tell ya!
PIPER: And the same amount of letters...
PHOEBE: I can spell my last name.
THE DEMON HESITATES. THEN APPLAUDS HER. PIPER ROLLS HER EYES.
PIPER: Please, don't-
PAIGE: Encourage her.
PIPER: (to paige) Hey!
PAIGE: What?
PIPER: You stole my line! What, am I getting written out too?
PAIGE: I don't know what you're talking about. (covers mouth and eyes dart about, whimpers)
PIPER: (to ceiling) Is this because I was friends with Shannen?
PHOEBE: (to demon) Can you be my friend?
DEMON: Well, I was gonna kill you...
PAIGE: (to piper) You got nothing to worry about.
DEMON: But alright. Can we play... in your attic?
PHOEBE: Okay. whispers obviously That's the 'magic' room!
DEMON AND PHOEBE EXIT.
PAIGE: Okay. I'll cook us some dinner.
PIPER: I'm the cook!
PAIGE: Hey - don't make me freeze your ass!
PIPER: I'm the one with the freez...er!
PAIGE: Whatever.
PAIGE PUTS HER HAND ON THE TABLE. SUDDENLY SHE DOUBLES OVER WITH PAIN.
PAIGE: Ow! The agony!
PIPER: Ha ha.
PAIGE: Oh my god - Phoebe!
PIPER: What about her?
PAIGE: In my premonition-
PIPER: What? Who died and made you... all of us?
PAIGE: Prue, actually.
PIPER: ... that's very true. So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-
PIPER: Hey...
PAIGE: Dreamwalking, Healing Touch, Shapeshifting, Possession and Weather Control, and my personal favourite, Flower Arranging.
PIPER: Wow that's quite a repertoire you got there!
PAIGE: Yeah, so?
PIPER: Well, you know-
PAIGE GRABS PIPER BY THE THROAT.
PAIGE: Don't get on the wrong side of me, Halliwell.
PIPER: Halliwell? That's your name as well!
PAIGE LIFTS PIPER OFF THE GROUND BY HER NECK.
PAIGE: Don't screw with me, Halliwell, it's not a place you'd like to be.
PIPER: Okay Dokie! Oh - what happened to Phoebe?
PAIGE STARES.
PIPER: In your premontion?
PAIGE: Premonition, premonition... oh yeah! With so many great powers, it's really hard to keep track. She was getting killed.
PIPER: What? Holy - we gotta get upstairs! Why weren't you watching and prying into her life?
PAIGE: Maybe cos I'm not Prue.
PIPER: ... dammit! That's what Prue spent most of her time doing!
PIPER EXITS. PAIGE ASTRAL PROJECTS. BEHIND HER, A WINDOW SLOWLY GRATES OPEN. WE SEE SMALL FINGERS OVER THE SILL, THEN BLACK HAIR, EYES AND SOON, A VERY MUCH NOT DEAD PRUE IS IN THE ROOM.
PRUE: So. We meet again do we? Just because I don't sleep with the boss enough I get axed eh? Well, in the words of Shannon Hamilton, I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair, Bruce. Except your name isn't Bruce. Ah screw it I mucked up. Dammit. Ah well. Cue evil laugh: Mwa ha ha ha!
SHE ADVANCES ON PAIGE.
*
UPSTAIRS, PAIGE HAS JUST VANQUISHED THE DEMON. PIPER GETS UP FROM A TABLE WHICH SHE HAS JUST BROKEN, MAINLY BECAUSE SHE FLEW INTO IT.
PAIGE: I'm the man!
PHOEBE: Hey he was playing with me!
PIPER: Phoebe - you were playing at 'Kill Phoebe' again, weren't you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. And as per usual you guys intervened and got in the way before we finished!
PAIGE: Got in the way is right. Piper, next time watch out - when I say move, I really mean 'move your ass out of my goddamn way!'
PIPER: Fine, but did you have to throw me out of the way?
PAIGE: ... no.
SHE ASTRALS OUT. WE HEAR SCREAMING AND EVIL LAUGHTER. PIPER AND PHOEBE EXIT.
*
KITCHEN. PIPER AND PHOEBE ENTER TO SEE PAIGE LYING ON THE FLOOR, SEVERLY BEATEN UP. PRUE STANDS OVER HER LAUGHING.
PRUE: Mwa ha haaooh crap hi sisters.
PIPER: Prue?
PRUE: You say what we all want to hear.
PHOEBE: Okay, there's no doubt about it, thanks to that little remark. That is definitely Prue.
PAIGE: Guys! Help me!
PIPER: Ah use your powers.
PAIGE: ... okay.
PRUE SUDDENLY JERKS AROUND A BIT.
PRUE: Ich. I feel unclean!
PIPER: Prue? You okay?
PRUE: Yeah... from now on, can you refer to me as Paige?
PHOEBE: Sure!
THE THREE OF THEM EXIT LAUGHING, JOKING AND TALKING OF MEMORIES PAST. PAIGE LIES ON THE GROUND.
PAIGE: whispered Guys? Guys... help! It's Prue! She switched bodies... help me!
SILENCE.
*
END.
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen to the unaware sisters? Will Prue ever be in a show and stay? Will Piper ever find her nail varnish remover? And will Phoebe ever realise that her skirt is tucked into her panties? Tune in next time. Unless Prue has a temper tantrum and the show is axed. In the next episode:
PREVIEW:
PAIGE: Guys! I'm not Paige, I'm Prue! Let me out of the basement! Please! The Woogieman is threatening to ping my bra!
*
PRUE: I never liked that Prue anyway.
PIPER: Prue - you're Prue!
PRUE: I told you to call me Paige, Halliwell!
*
PHOEBE: Piper, I'm getting suspicious - Prue-
PIPER: Paige.
PHOEBE: Right. She's acting all weird, and keeps referring to herself in the third person...
PIPER: What, like when she says "When are we gonna feed Prue to the hounds?" and stuff?
*
VOICE OVER LADY: And you can watch that next time on 'Charmeded', the show that is almost Charmed but not quite.
AS CREDITS ROLL:
VOICE OVER MAN: We have a small article here. Apparently, there will not be a next time of 'Charmeded' because of ratings, which are on average, zero. The makers of Charmeded have announced it's all about the fans, and no further episodes of Charmeded will be made until it has been requested by fans. How sad.
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Agreed. How sad.
KT: You heard the man! You want more, you gotta ask! Or not, whatever. I got the first six episodes all ready to go, just like in the big bad real world. But according to the magazine reviews of the show, which I will be posting after episode 3, it's doing okay! According to some. ie, not all.