"For the Sake of Drowning"
Author: Senshia
Rating: MA
Type: Slash
Classification: Angst
Spoilers: Post JP3.
Summary: Billy's going through what Ellie did when she escaped Nublar. Can Alan pull him back before he's gone?
Disclaimer - I do not own anything from Jurrassic Park. It all goes to the lovely film people.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water. - Jim Gaffigan
Who knew how much I would come to loathe the one thing I had strived for? Years of college and hours upon hours of digging in the harsh, hot desert have all added up to this hatred that I can't seem to shake anymore. I coughed roughly as a patch of dust caught my breath.
"You okay?" Alan asked, looking over at me.
I smiled though my half choking experience. "Yea. I guess. Damn what time is it?" I asked uselessly, knowing Alan never wore a watch. Looking down at mine, I groaned. Alan laughed as I laid my forehead against the smooth ex-bone that I had been working on for three hours. Normally a day would pass and before I knew it, I would be sitting in Alan's living room, sipping a beer and laughing about some random movie. Yet something about this day made the hours snail by as each second stretched. I tilted my face toward the man laying before me, squinting as the sun bore onto my face.
Alan's face was not visible underneath the wide brim of his hat as he carefully blew away the debris of fine particles that lightly dusted the raptor skeleton that we had just started to unearth not a day before. I had always admired how dedicated and delicate he was with his work at the dig. When he was writing papers or lecturing, it seemed like an overbearing chore he was forced to do. But when he was out here, in the dry badlands, he was in his element.
Oh how I envied him. To be able to still love these creatures regardless of the pain and heart-wrenching fear that had been forced upon him twice in his life. Two episodes of terror that had taken their toll upon this humble paleantologist. The fine lines of high-mooned nightmares formed around his eyes and into his forehead. The once bright sky-blue eyes now a shade darker with each passing moment. And now I felt all but a coward as I felt the passion of the dig slowly slip from my heart when all I had been through it two days on that island. Was this how Dr. Sattler felt after Isla Nublar? Did every fossilized tooth remind her of the chest tearing horror?
"Why don't we take a break, Billy?" Alan said, grunting as he pushed himself against the hot ground, kicking up another onslaught of dust into my mouth and eyes. Not that I haven't gotten used to the conditions. In fact, it was a wonderful relief from the damp, messy air of Isla Sorna and the deep water of the river I was nearly eaten in. But for some reason, that whole day I had wanted to just lay upon the bedded rock and slip into sleep.
I goraned. "Don't wanna move."
He chuckled lightly at my whine and extended a hand to me. I took the hand and allowed myself to be pulled to a standing position. The blood that had settled in my head suddenly left and I swayed in the lightheaded state. Strong arms caught me and I felt myself unwillingly giggling.
"Oh no you dont." Alan's voice said. "You're not gunna get heat stroke while I'm around."
The arms half dragged me over to where, even in my blurred vision, I could see the sun slightly blotted from my eyes. It was only a moment before I realized that I was in a tent. The arms that had dragged me was now letting me sit on the cool ground. Soon I was left alone in this blur of tan and brown. Giggling again, I leaned backwards only to find nothing was there to catch me. My giggle fit turned to full hysterics as my head neatly crashed into the rock underneath me.
"Oh God." Alan's voice again. "Billy. Sit up. I have some water for you. Oh man, you're bleeding."
"S'okay." I slurred happily as a bottle of water was broght to my lips. The cool liquid sloshed in my mouth and I swallowed it happily. "I've bled mor th'n this." Giggling took a dramatic turn to sobbing.
Arms held me tight against the dusty chest before me and something nice and cool was on my neck. What it was, I didn't care. I just sat there, sobbing. My hands unwillingly grasped the denim fabric of my mentor's shirt.
I sighed again as I felt the piercing gaze of those cyan eyes digging into the side of my face. "Alan. I'm fine. Stop staring at me." But when I looked back over to the older man, he had tunred back to the television screen.
"I'm just worried, Billy. You've been on edge."
Of course I've been on edge. How quickly could he forget what happened? Had he not noticed that I stopped sleeping in fear of the nightmares to come? The painful and irritatingly realistic dreams of being forcibly plunged into the water. Beaks the length of a grown man's leg trying to rip me apart. The biting words that killed me before any beast could lay claw or tooth on me.
"It'll pass." I said, simply.
He sighed and shook his head. "Why do I think that it won't?"
"Alan." I warned.
"No, Billy. Let me speak. After you recovered, you were back again. In the same early morning chipper mood, bouncing from foot to foot, giddy as a kid when finding a new bone. And that worried me enough. No one mentally recovers that fast. And I shrugged it off, stupidly. And now you're irritable and you snap at any second. Always moody and brooding. You never even told me how you managed to survive that night on the island alone." He sighed again, but out of weariness rather than irritation.
"I kind of wish I didn't." I nearly whispered. Before he could inquire, I pushed ahead. "I thought if I had saved Erik and if I had saved your hat, you'd forgive what I did back there."
"Oh Billy..."
But I cut him off. "No, Alan. My turn. I almost gave up and let myself drown in that river. I guess I don't float as well as other people because eventually, I was too deep for the pteradons to get at. And all I could think about is how much I deserved it. And then I saw your hat, snagged on a rock. And I thought how much you loved that hat and how badly you would feel if you had lost it. So I guess I used that to motivate me to swim out of the river and drag myself to the coast. I should have just died there. I wish I had never found that hat." My voice was cracking again as I felt the lung crushing weight of sorrow press against me, clotting in my throat.
Before I could react, the same arms that caught and held me not six hours before were enveloping me in a tight hug. "Oh God, Billy. I never told you how much you scared me that day. I thought you were dead and even after, in the hospital, I never told you."
My arms went limp as his voice tumbled over his words, becoming more and more desperate. All I could do was stare at the television's meaningless screen.
"I'm so sorry, Billy. I should have told you before and I shouldn't have said such things to you. I was scared. I'm so sorry."
My mind had no time to register what I was doing as I wriggled my arms out of his grasp. But before he could protest, my arms were around his neck, pulling him so close that my face was nuzzled into the crook of his neck. For an eternity, we sat there. A mass of tangled, akward arms lumped onto the old leather couch.
And sometime in that eternity, something sparked as Alan gently urged my face away from his neck to pull it up to his. Our noses touched ticklishly and I gave a choked giggle. He smiled that crooked Alan smile and tilted my chin up towards him and pulled me in closer. His lips ghosted over mine, barely touching but the aura of the soft flesh palpable none the less due to the proximity. My lips parted, silently begging for contact, a whimper caught in the base of my throat. I guess he felt as if he teased enough because those soft lips claimed mine, tounge taking advantage of my open mouth, exploring past my teeth. Tentively. Timidly.
But in a moment to fast for the human brain to catch, his shyness had dissipated, leaving him raw and exposed as he pushed forward, urging me down onto the soft leather of the cushions. Before I knew it, those calloused fingertips had found their way up my stomache, pushing my shirt up, over my chest. My back arched as he pulled the usless piece of clothing off my body and his lips left mine, hunting for more flesh. My jawline, my neck, until they reached the dark nub of a nipple. I gasped as teeth carefully grazed over it and then a tounge replacing them, soothing.
I felt helpless as I allowed such an onslaught onto my body. I edged away from my sexuality, settling into an uncomfortable life of cellibacy. My own home town on the east coast was far more open-minded than the harsh Montana folk. So after years of yearning for a warm touch, Alan's hands and lips were scorching into my own flesh.
He abandonded my chest, seeking my lips again. I whimpered as his fingers fumbled with my waist band. I wanted so bad to be his. I wanted so bad to feel that spark of passion lost after the events of Isla Sorna. The pain, the heart break and the agonizing recovery of wounds that would never heal over. It was my personal hole to show the world and I longed to fill it.
My own hands were at work, clumsily undoing the buttons of Alan's flannel shirt, desperately seeking flesh. Seeking that wholeness that I wanted. I was drowning again. But this time, I would not resurface. This time, I'd finish what I started.
My hips bucked. How did he managed to get the belt, buttons and zipper undone that fast will forever elude me. I was already erect by the time he pulled my khakis and boxers down. "Oh God, Alan." I gasped as he wrapped his fingers around my cock. I bucked again but he used his other hand to keep me nailed to the couch. "Alan, please."
His breath hitched again at that. "Again."
"Huh?" I asked, my brain trying to decipher what he said.
His lips were milimeters away from my ear when he whispered. "Beg me."
I bucked again as that hot breath sent a pain down from ear to toe. "P-please, Alan." I repeated, my voice reduced to a panting whisper. "Please."
He hissed into my ear slowly started to pump his hand up and down my cock. "Uh! Alan!" I whined. "Oh God!" I knew it wouldn't last long. He started to whisper nothings into my ear as he masturbated me softly. I'm not sure as to what those nothings were but I guess that doesn't really matter. Nothings are called that for a reason. Regardless, his voice sent me over the edge as swirls of light and ribboned explosions danced in front of my eyes. I barely had time to recover before my legs were pushed up and over his shoulders. Semen coated fingers found their way into my body and that ebbing spark flared up again.
Soon another finger joined the first and he began to scissor me, stretching an enterance lang out of use since high school. He seemed to think I was ready and pulled his torturous fingers out of me and I felt a much larger member poised at my enterance. Alan placed a kiss on my brow as if to reassure me that this was a bit more than just a mindless fuck. Then he braced his hands against my shoulders and rammed into me, slamming into my prostate until he was sheathed to the hilt. I cried out in exstacy.
He kissed me again, allowing me to adjust to this rapidly familiar feeling. "J-just... move, Alan." I rasped. "P-please. M-move."
He complied and started to thrust, the rythem gaining momentum each time until he was panting as heavily as I was. I lifted a hand from the couch and slipped it down to my cock which had harded again, even though I had come minutes before. Alan grunted as I came again, spilling all over my stomach and chest. He moaned loudly and I felt the warm seed fill me.
My breath started to slow down as he placed gentle kisses on my sweat-coated face. "I love you, Billy."
The next day, we returned to the dig and managed to get the rest of the raptor unearthed and wrapped for it's journey to the museum. After wards, we all went to the lake almost two hours away that was nearly dried up. Alan had managed to sneak up from behind me and dunk me in the luke-warm water.
I was drowning again. But I was okay with that.
I kind of wrote this on a whim. Lemme know what you think.