Till Our Lives Burn Out

Chapter 012 – Eschaton

Epigraphs:

Cogito, ergo sum. Mensuror, quiat existo.

Audio, ut fiam. Respondeo, etsi mutabor.

(I think, therefore I am. I will be measured (tested) because I exist.

I listen, that I may become. I respond, although I will be changed.)

–Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy

Look to this day,

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision,

But today, well lived,

Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

Sanskrit Proverb

Yet I know that good is coming to me -- that good is always coming;

though few have at all times the simplicity and the courage to believe it.

What we call evil, is the only and best shape, which, for the person and his

condition at the time, could be assumed by the best good.

– George MacDonald - Phantastes

Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love, time is not.

Henry Jackson van Dyke - "Katrina's Sundial"

Woman is aroused by man, and man submits to woman.

But even as they marvel at each other, the solution and

dissolution of their wonder is at hand –the love which has

befallen them. They are no longer a wonder to each other;

they are in the very heart of wonder.

-Franz Rosenzweig

On the face of it, what happened immediately after that might seem strange. Even filled with passion of the moment, neither of them was the sort of person to do anything too rash. Yet, as they lost themselves in each other, one thing led to another.

Hotaru's first inkling of what had happened after Kuryakin called her came at about midnight. She had spent the evening with the Inner Planet Senshi as a kind of guest of honor. At first, she was a bit suspicious, and watched for signs that the only reason she'd been invited here tonight was to tell all about what had been going on lately. She was a bit touched to find out she was wrong. While she was certain they would loved to have heard everything about what had happened in the last few days, not to mention the last four months, they did not push her or try to trick her into telling. Instead, they were genuinely happy to have her company, and did their best to include her in any games and discussions they had. At one point, it seemed as if Minako was trying to direct the conversation towards recent events, but the others quickly cut her off, and she looked embarrassed, almost as though she had violated not only comity but "orders."

Later, Ami Mizuno did get her alone for a few minutes. Hotaru expressed deep regret over the injury to her father, and the normally closed mouth Ami suddenly became very talkative. Her father had been working away at a landscape painting when the earthquake hit, and he was injured in a resultant landslide. From Ami's account, it sounded as if he was right in the middle of it, and lucky to be alive. It had taken time to reach him, and his arm had been pinned for several hours. The doctors were able to save it, but it was unclear whether there would be any lasting injury. For now though, he could not feel his arm at all. Ami had almost begged off coming to the sleepover, but she came because her mother wanted "to have a long talk- a very long talk" with him. They also had a short discussion about Kuryakin, but only concerning what it was like to be his only student for such an extended period. Ami's parting comment was that it had never quite occurred to her how strange he was. Hotaru smiled, but Ami was content to leave it at that.

Eventually, Hotaru and Chibiusa separated from the group and went upstairs to have a long talk, and play card games. Hotaru wondered how Chibiusa had known to come here this evening. She explained that Usagi, who -she admitted grudgingly- can be pretty sharp when she wants to be, had learned that by writing things in a dairy, she was, in essence, sending "messages in a bottle" to her future self. Hotaru now understood. Whether or not the Inner Senshi were dying to hear about the past week, this was all about Hotaru "getting out more" and having some time with her anam cara. Still, so much her life had 'happened' in these last four months, and Chibiusa's eyes became wide and expectant, as she opened up about Setsuna and Kuryakin-sensei. She explained some of her foreboding and about why "Puu's date" felt like more than just a date. As they talked about it, Chibiusa admitted she was getting her first real lessons in "unintended consequences." More and more, she was realizing that by stealing Sailor Pluto's time key and coming back into the past, she had done something irrevocable. The future they had all been told of was now increasingly untenable. It was going to change. Even now, the thought of what she might see when she "went back" was accompanied by no small trepidation. And yet, the chance to see Hotaru again was more than enough to overcome that.

Sharp as both of them were, the discussion was getting a bit too heavy, and so they played games and just enjoyed each others company. Then Kuryakin called. It was 11:10 p.m. Hotaru knew how exhausted he was, and could sense he was struggling to maintain control of himself, but something had happened, and tonight Setsuna had done something that had taken the last of his heart from him. When Hotaru hung up, Chibiusa saw her eyes glaze over, and "pulled her back." A bit later, Usagi came up to check on them. Unable to carry their burden of worry too far into the deepening night, she and Chibiusa were leaning on each other and nodding off. Usagi covered them up, and left, and asked Luna, Artemis and Diana to check on them periodically. Diana said she was tired too, and she would go stay with them. She curled up in Chibiusa's lap and fell asleep as well. Then a few minutes after Christmas Eve passed into Christmas Day, Hotaru was suddenly startled awake the strange sense of a light bursting forth inside her head, and a voice told her, "Everything is fine. We can see you now. We see you all. You are not lost to us. Sleep, Littlest Senshi."

Hotaru fell back into sleep. Diana awoke, wondering what the noise was, but then decided she was just hearing things, and also went back to sleep.

When Hotaru woke up the next morning, she did not remember it, at first. Her mind was already racing through ways to 'salvage the situation.' When Kuryakin or Setsuna failed to show up or to call her, she was puzzled, but a strange calm came over her, despite which she called home. Setsuna should be there, and she wanted to talk to her anyway, but there was no answer. Usagi made it clear that she was perfectly welcome to stay here as long as she needed. The others had finally fallen asleep late in the night, and though they had bought small presents for each other, they were too tired in the morning to be in any hurry about opening them. Mamoru arrived to take Usagi out for a special morning together, and she invited Hotaru and the rest of the Senshi to stay there until she got back. Shingo, Usagi's brother, was at a friend's house and would be there most of the day, and Kenji-poppa had wrangled some time off, so he and Ikuko-momma went on a little holiday ski trip. Usagi haughtily told the unhappy, stay-at-home Chibiusa to be a good hostess, and asked Makoto to make breakfast for everyone. Makoto was only too happy to, though Rei had a few things to do at the shrine, and left saying she would be back in a few hours. Hotaru called the house a few more times that morning, and each time she failed to get a hold of someone, she came away puzzled, but also smiling hopefully.

'Did something change after we talked last night?'

Rei was back as promised, and they went ahead and exchanged gifts since Usagi wouldn't be back for some time. Hotaru made mention to everyone of what had been troubling her last night, as well as a few discreet allusions to what had been happening in her life the last few months. She also explained why she had been calling the house all morning. It was not Hotaru's intention to start anything, but a bit of speculation about what might have happened ensued.

Finally, in early afternoon, Hotaru was able to get someone at the house.

Haruka and Michiru had returned home from trip to a hot spring up north. Kuryakin's car was still there, but they could find no sign of him or Setsuna. Interestingly, his car was under a protective cover. They entered the house, calling for Setsuna. No one was there.

"They … must have gone somewhere," Haruka said with a little smile.

"But where?" asked Michiru, rhetorically. "His car … "

"Yeah."

The phone rang as they sat down their luggage. It was Hotaru. Michiru told her that something – they were not sure what- had happened. Then Haruka noticed an envelope labeled "Koneko-chan" on the kitchen table. While Michiru talked, she opened it. She grinned as a set of keys fell out with a little card attached that said,

"Merry Christmas, Tenoh-san. DON'T wreck it! And top off the tank before we get back."

There was also an envelope with the words "For Hotaru's eyes only" and a little note asking them to deliver the envelope to Hotaru, and to pick her up. Michiru told her they would be there in 45 minutes. Before leaving, they took their overnight bags upstairs, and noticed a few more things: a blanket strewn on the couch, Setsuna's bedroom door was open, and the bedroom was in … disarray, as was the bathroom. Also, Setsuna's walk-in closet was open, and her travel bags were gone. The letter would probably amplify the explanation, but Haruka and Michiru smiled a little, as they began to get the picture.

"Haruka, you don't suppose they did more than just …"

"Hmmm," said Haruka replied, "I guess we'll find out when we get to Odango-atama's house."

"Michiru?" Haruka asked as they headed out the door and she looked again at the little note Kuryakin had left for her.

"Yes, Haruka?"

"Why does everyone think I don't know the difference between a public highway and a race track?"

Michiru shrugged, as Haruka pulled the cover off the car. They got in, she turned the key and the high-pitched, twelve-cylinder engine came to life. Haruka was a bit tempted to put the "E-gear" and acceleration launch control to use, but the snow, alas, the snow.

'I've got to get this thing onto a speedway while they're gone.'

At the Tsukinos, Usagi and Mamoru were back and the sense that something interesting had happened percolated through them all. Hotaru was brimming with anticipation by the time Haruka and Michiru arrived. Both of them entered the house with holiday greetings and mildly knowing expressions on their faces. Everyone quieted down, and stealthily gathered around, as Hotaru tore open the letter and quickly read it to herself. Then, hugging the letter to her breast, she beamed with joy.

"Hotaru-chan, what is it?" asked Chibiusa.

She just sat there, stunned for a whole minute on end, saying quietly "… he did it … she did it … they did it … I did it …" over and over again.

"They've eloped?" Michiru ventured, with a serious yet wistful look on her face.

"What?!" Usagi shrieked excitedly, as the other girls gasped. "Setsuna-san … and that guy eloped?"

"No," said Hotaru, and everyone looked puzzled.

"You can't really elope … if you're already married, can you?" she said, her voice all choked up. "It doesn't say how exactly, but somehow they got married last night. They say they'll be back in two weeks. They're flying to the Caribbean. She's always wanted to go there. He knows someone that manages hotels all over the world and owes him a huge favor. First stop is Cancun, then Cozumel, and Roatan –never heard of that one. Wow. She's going to get to see something she's wanted to see all her life. And, in style too. Oh, there's a P.S." she said, looking at Ami, "If Miss Mizuno is still there, or you happen to see her soon, tell her I will try to get that job at K.O. University after all. I'm just about broke now, and I need the money. Setsuna is rather high maintenance."

Usagi was completely undone.

"This is so romantic," she said in quiet awe, collapsing into the seat next to Mamoru, and then leaning into him. "Setsuna! Of all people!"

"Exactly!" said Hotaru. She knew Usagi would 'get it.'

The other girls felt the romance of it, but also were clearly concerned about something. Though they knew only a little about her, this didn't seem like Setsuna at all.

"Well, I guess this makes us the crazy aunts in the attic, now?" Haruka joked quietly to Michiru. Mamoru heard this and chuckled, though he too had a look of concern on his face.

"Oh, don't be silly, Haruka-poppa. Everything's all right now," Hotaru said with deep and obvious relief.

"What do you mean?" asked Michiru.

"I finally saw what I was … repressing, I think is the word? At first, all I could feel was unease, and then over time, the sense of dread became horrible. It's what was causing me to blank out during tests. When I concentrated my hardest, I could almost grasp what I was seeing. The more I saw of it, the more I needed to see the rest. They were about her: about what could happen to her one day. It's okay now. She'll be fine."

"You're sure, Hotaru-chan?" asked Chibiusa.

"Yes, very sure."

"It is a little surprising that this happened so fast, though."

"Not really," interrupted Rei, looking thoughtful. "Setsuna-san was so self-controlled because underneath she feels deeply, too deeply for words, perhaps. I was thinking that when she asked me to check out that guy in my seeings. I got the feeling she was asking it for very personal reasons. One crack in that edifice and her heart would gush, I think. No, it's not that surprising really."

Hotaru smiled at the thought. Ami sensed there was something deeply personal for Hotaru in this as well, and hesitantly asked, "Hotaru-chan, why does this mean so much to you?"

"Ami-chan!" Usagi, Rei, Minako and Makoto said in unison.

"I'm sorry. I mean, of course it does, and it should, but …"

"I guess because … it gives me hope. Hope for us all, really, and for me too."

"Hope for us all?" asked Chibiusa.

"Yes. Hope for … a life. It seems to me," she said shyly, "that good things are to be enjoyed as well as defended. And that whatever the future was thought to be, we must live … now. I think she, who saw a great deal of all days, finally realized that. I so want to be like her. I don't mean getting married, necessarily, but think about it: she has the hardest duty of all, and yet she loved him the moment she met him …"

"Really?" asked Luna.

"Yes, but she couldn't accept that at first, and I didn't … quite understand why," she said, as she turned away from Mamoru, at whom she happened to be looking at that moment. "And then once she realized how he felt, I wondered if she would be able to reconcile duty and desire. I prayed that she could find the way through it that I could not see. So many years, all the solitude, the longing to fight along side you all, all those habits of thought she had to inculcate to get through it –all of that was in the way. That's how destiny and duty work. They're a rut you fall into and it gets deeper and deeper until destiny becomes tragedy. Even if the situation changes, it's all you know and that's what makes it feel inevitable. So much was working against this, that if such a magical thing can happen for her, it can happen for any of us. Now, when she comes back, she'll never be quite the same."

"That's a wonderful thought, Hotaru-chan," Usagi smiled, "and a beautiful hope. I hope that for all of us. Real and painful though it can be, we can live … really live …"

"… till out lives burn out," Hotaru said, finishing the very same thought. "Everyone, this is the happiest moment of my life. I've been hoping for this from the moment I realized what was happening. It took me a while to see what was really going on, but once I did, I knew this could happen. They're so perfect for each other, alike enough and different enough …"

"Hotaru-chan?" asked Ami, tentatively, "Kuryakin-san, he … knows about us, doesn't he?"

Hotaru looked uncomfortable for a moment and then she looked at Haruka and Michiru. They looked to each other, then Michiru looked back to Hotaru and nodded.

"Yes," she said.

"Was he with you, on that island, when you …?"

"Yes," Haruka said.

"What is he?"

Hotaru sighed, smiling. Though it was going to distract from her joy in this moment, she was obviously going to have to explain this. For the next hour, she, along with Haruka and Michiru, explained what had been happening to her since shortly after Chaos was driven out of Galaxia, how Hotaru was freezing up during school, how they had decided on Kuryakin for a private tutor, how much fun she had with him, the way she tried to bring him and Setsuna together, the little fact that he was from another galaxy, the battle with the Ravagers, and everything that had led to up to last night.

"Amazing," said Ami, when they were done. "No wonder he seemed so different, so impossibly knowledgeable. Even when I was going to his cram school, he seemed too good to be true at times. Now I understand why he said taking that job at K.O University would be problematic."

"Would it do to call him a Senshi?" asked Rei.

"He is someone empowered by planetary guardians, or intelligences, as he calls them- to fight a powerful and supernatural enemy, but he told me he had concluded there were quite a few differences," said Hotaru, who thought it best not to reveal anything about his one major 'weakness.'

"However," said Michiru, "we all know only women can be Sailor Senshi."

"There's the odd case of the Sailor Starlights," said Ami.

"Yes, and now we also know that there are Senshi in every solar system," said Makoto. "Isn't it possible there could be differences?"

"How much more so," Ami continued, "since he's from another galaxy."

"But they're descended from earth humans, too," said Mamoru, his hand to his chin in a thoughtful pose. "That's the interesting thing."

"And he's a guy …" said Makoto, as she threw her head back and got that wistful "sempai" look.

"A ninety year old guy …" said Luna, reprovingly.

"Well," said Makoto, looking calculating and matter of fact, "as long as he looks young, and he's thoughtful …"

"… and kind, and smart …" said Ami.

"… and handsome, and fun loving …" said Minako.

"… and healthy, and noble …" said Rei.

"… who really cares?" they said in unison, except for Ami who merely nodded, then caught herself and turned red.

Haruka looked smugly at Michiru, stuck out her hand out, and said, "Pay up."

"You're sure the threat was ended?" asked Mamoru.

"I dunno. We think so," said Haruka. "As many of those Ravagers as were in that corridor, Sailor Saturn took out more of them in one blow than he had his entire life, or so he said. She probably advanced the cause of peace throughout that Galaxy by centuries."

"Why didn't you guys see it coming sooner?" asked Artemis.

"Because, as Mamoru noted, they're earth descendants, too," Michiru replied. "Apparently there is still enough of earth in them that they don't register as external threats. I've seen nothing in my mirror since, and it's supposed to work even better now. I think that threat is over, before it was begun really."

"The coming together of the two galaxies … what can that mean?" asked Ami, thoughtfully.

"That's three billion years from now. In a fraction of that time, things will be so different we cannot imagine them, and we will probably be long forgotten. This is the first whisper of that distant event. What it means right now is that someone we care about is happy," said Hotaru firmly. "Or at least, she has a good shot at it. And I brought them together. That's the happiest thing of all. For once, I awakened something."

"You awakened us when Elysian was attacked," said Michiru.

"I awakened you to your 'destiny'. I was going for something different, something better, here. What I do mainly is destroy. That's my destiny. But, this time, instead of destroying, I created, like Usagi does. Best of all, I didn't give up. I finished something long and difficult. It was like … a marathon. She resisted so much, but I kept nudging her, pushing her where she could never go for herself, and finally … I created something wonderful for one I have always loved, and another I've come to love so much."

"I wonder how this will change things?' said Usagi, looking hopefully at Mamoru.

"Yes, we'll have to look into that," said Artemis.

"One good thing I can think of," Ami said. "He really is a good tutor, Usagi."

"Oh?" Luna, Artemis and Mamoru all looked thoughtful upon hearing that, but Usagi's expression suddenly drooped. Tough lessons with a determined, intimidating and hopelessly overqualified tutor were not a pleasant thought just now. 'Onegai, teacher!' Maybe this wasn't such a great thing after all.

Chibiusa snickered at Usagi's obvious discomfiture, and then looked to Hotaru and smiled. "I wish I could see her right now."

"Don't worry, Chibiusa-chan," said Hotaru. "She still loves you most of all. Oh, by the way, the letter says when they get back they'll have a proper ceremony and you and I can be in it and all that. I wonder where they are right now. I don't suppose they've gotten there yet. I doubt they're in any hurry, though. Or maybe they are …"

She blushed. Haruka looked like she was about to say something, but Michiru elbowed her.

"I hope they'll be happy," said Chibiusa.

"Me too," said Hotaru. "I hope I haven't done something bad. Kuryakin-sensei talks a great deal about unintended consequences. But how can this be bad?"

"Everything will be fine," said Usagi, reassuringly.

"And when they get there," Hotaru said, "I think of how pretty she'll look in that tropical sun, walking on the beaches in the morning like Eve when the world was new, swimming in those blue waters with her hair spread out around her like a lily pad, and her face, turned up to the sun, like the flower in the center … and in the tropical evening, (said in English) she'll walk in beauty like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies, and all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes … she will glow, and everyone around her will see how special and wonderful she is … By Neo-Queen Serenity's permission, she has passed from our hands, into the hands of another, for we could give her purpose and meaning, but we could not give her wholeness. Now she will find her life in the eyes of the one who can adore her all his days, and he shall find in her his heart's only desire."

"Hmmm, Hotaru-chan, you should write songs," said Rei, as the Inner Senshi were caught up in the Littlest Soldier's reverie.

"It is wonderful, Hotaru-chan," said Usagi. "Whatever happens, … well, the world, and the future, will just have to adjust."

"I suppose," Luna had started to say when …

Bam!

The front door opened loudly, and a voice said, "Usagi? I'm home," as her brother, Shingo, came bounding through it.

"Wow, you guys should see that awesome car out … oh, uh, hi … everyone," he said, sheepishly. He figured Usagi's friends would still be here, but he was surprised to see the house this full of people. They all waved or otherwise acknowledged him. He knew them, except for one girl. A look of surprise spread over his face. He didn't know her name, but they had met once before.

"You …" he was barely able to get out. Chibiusa introduced him to Hotaru, and Shingo Tsukino found himself staring goofily into the violet eyes of the girl who had healed his broken collarbone at the hospital.

Haruka whispered to Michiru, "The future might have to put in some overtime adjusting."

The End

(for now)