Title: Toilet troubles

Author: Lifelessmidget

Genre: Humor

Rating: R

Warnings: Slash and Crack

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Summary: Harry is stuck in a toilet with noone for company except Malfoy, but the weird thing is, its Moaning Myrtles bathroom… what could possibly make two boys enter a girls toilet at midnight?

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"HELP!"

"Oh real witty Potter"

"SOMEONE?!"

"Give it up already"

"Shut UP Malfoy! I don't see you helping!"

"Mainly because I find it in my best interests not to get all soppy with toilet water as you are so amiably demonstrating"

Harry banged his head against the sealed door of the lavatory, it was reaching one in the morning and it had been about an hour since he had realised the toilets in Hogwarts seemed to enjoy playing an immense joke on him. Malfoy sat on the edge of one of the broken sinks picking at his nails, if any other boy had been doing the same thing, he would have been horrified but almost ninety percent of the school found Draco Malfoy to be the perfect candidate as a happy bisexual/homosexual (Harry really couldn't be bothered to judge at the moment)

Fuming, the green eyed boy continued to batter his fists against the rotting door, he thought that if enough pressure was applied to it at regular intervals, then it might just give way, but according to the solid structure it wasn't falling over any time soon.

"ANYONE!?"

"Potter for fuck's sake, NOONE is going to hear you! And judging by how desperate you sound, I'm sure anyone who HAS heard you would have run off screaming by now" Malfoy had finally finished picking his nails and look up with a steely glare. His arms crossed over his chest, giving him a slight impression of an aristocrat, even though he was sitting upon a rusty old sink.

'What did I say about shutting that big mouth of yours Malfoy!?" Harry spun around so abruptly he almost slipped on the wet tiles, and although his reply was as scathing as possible, it was cut down dramatically by his scrabbling to remain upright. The bottom of his robes were already soaking wet and he damned Moaning Myrtle to hell for flooding the toilet on this particular night.

Where the hell was she anyway? Malfoy was smirking so widely that Harry felt the increasing desire to hit him but then that would mean trekking his way to where Malfoy was with the risk of slipping once more. He rubbed the bruise which had developed on his right butt cheek when he had attempted to jump up to the large window but only succeeded in slipping on the tiles and hurting both him and a toilet door. Nevertheless, it was all that stupid blonde's fault for suggesting it in such a flawless way.

He kicked the door feebly this time, his drenched robes splattering against the wood.

"Yes Potter, keep kicking like that, maybe someone might hear you" Malfoy's comment just dripped with sarcasm and he resumed to check his shoes for flecks of water that might have managed to find their way onto him. Something in Harry snapped at that comment, it was surprising that he managed an hour in an unsupervised place without ripping the blonde to shreds.

He walked carefully into one of the cubicles, ignoring Malfoy's loud comment of whether or not he was constipated, and wrenched a great wad of toilet paper out from its dispenser.

"… then again I saw how you were shovelling all that food down your throat during dinner…" Draco continued to insult the Gryffindor while picking off invisible lint from his robes, not noticing that Harry had emerged from the cubicle.

SPLAT!

Harry had lobbed the wet tissue straight at Malfoy's head, all the while thinking about whether or not it was enough force to keep the boy knocked out long enough for him to regain some peace and quiet. Obviously not.

"WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM POTTER?!" apparently the force was enough to make the blonde boy topple off his perch on the sink to a great heap on the water logged floor. The tissue clung like a sucker on Malfoy's left cheek, slowing losing its grip and plopping heavily on the tiles next to him, also splashing him (to Harry's delight) with more water.

He had one over Malfoy, seeing as the blonde boy had more than half his body drenched, not to mention that his own hair looked rather neat compared to the now dirty blonde locks which the fallen boy sported. He crossed his arms, not unlike the manner Malfoy had imposed, and sneered at him.

"I suggest that next time you decide to run your mouth like a motor… don't" the echo of water splashing across the surface of the sinks as Draco attempted to pull himself up was enough to make Harry wonder whether they would find a way out of their dilemma. Unfortunately for him, his little act of vandalism on Malfoy brought him that much closer to knowing what it would be like to be at a terribly loud rock concert.

He shoved two fingers into his ears. There was both an advantage to this as well as a disadvantage, the advantage being that he wouldn't have to put up with Draco Malfoy's incredibly annoying bouts of insanity and the disadvantage being that holding up his arms that long couldn't possibly be good for the blood in his arms. He followed through with it nevertheless.

A muffled string of response followed through, Harry took note of the way Malfoy's mouth just kept moving and how the blonde boys face had apparently taken on a magenta colour. He also noticed that Malfoy hadn't really understood the finger plugging act judging by the way he continued to rave on, occasionally whipping Harry with a bit of the water from the intriguingly rude hand gestures. Of course, those acts didn't really bother him as much as the shove which sent him propelling right onto the seat of a broken toilet.

This caused the boy to remove his fingers from his ears in order to upright himself on the toilet seat (still contaminated no doubt by its lack of use) therefore enabling him to be subjected to the torrent of screams emitted by a very angry Malfoy.

"…and the water being SEWERAGE! SEWERAGE Potter! DID you HEAR me you ungrateful, four-eyed, piss poor excuse for a living MEMBRANE!" When the ringing in Harry's ears had stopped, and the wavering image (for he had clonked his head quite roughly against the porcelain throne) of the Slytherin had finally come into focus he saw his opponent splashing noisily to get within ear-drum breaking range.

What was even more surprising was the fact that no matter how hard Malfoy stomped on the wet surface, he didn't seem to have the unfortunate ability of slipping or losing balance at all. Figures… the guy could be an aristocrat in the fires of hell if he wanted to and not get singed, Harry thought miserably as the other boy advanced at a speed only light would know. He didn't fight when those slender fingers entangled themselves in the front of his robes and yanked him forward.

"…You are paying for my dry cleaning Potter!" the grey eyes tinted with malice as he continued, inches from Harry's face "…and don't think for one minute that you are going to take it to Hogwarts House-elf cleaning… You are going to be paying for shipping to clean it at Hogsmede Professionals!"

In the time that Malfoy had recited the place and duties, Harry had been able to count the number of freckles on the blonde's otherwise flawless face. There were five in total though very inconspicuous even at such a close proximity, he concentrated on the breathing pace, if it slowed then there was a good chance he would be released from this vice grip. It loosened considerably when he failed to produce an audible reply.

"…so strip now"

Now that definitely got Harry's attention, his eyes shot up unaware of his lopsided glasses (mainly due to the rough man-handling but also due to the contribution of sweat formulating on his face)

"Excuse me Malfoy? I could have sworn you just told me to strip" the grip was gone and Harry held onto the frame of the cubicle to reduce the risk of slipping. The blonde's eyebrow quirked at this response.

"My robes are wet and I need replacements NOW before this contaminated water gets to my skin and makes me a mudblood…" He replied scathingly "and seeing as you are the only one barely within the range of sporting appropriate garments, not to mention the one RESPONSIBLE for this" he plucked at the soggy robes around his neck "I propose you strip right NOW"

Harry was gob smacked at Malfoy's audacity, it wasn't until the blonde boy started towards him that he snapped out of his reverie. "No way Malfoy, if you didn't just keep your bloody mouth shut then you wouldn't have landed yourself in this situation! Which by the way, you still have yet to explain" He dodged the clasping hands, looking way too much like claws for his liking, and proceeded as fast as he could towards the other side of the bathroom.

Draco's increasingly evil eyes followed him across the perimeter of the bathroom "Look Potter, I'll tell you this once, you are going to strip yourself of those robes or I will do it for you!" and with that, it was as if he had managed to apparate in that short distance to grab at the black haired boy's clothes.

"GET LOST MALFOY" Harry attempted to pry those articulate fingers from his robes but the blonde seemed to have a rather firm grip on the fabric. Their little tussle managed to send them toppling over into the miniature lake that was the bathroom floor. The splash they made was enough to render them both into shock.

"I take it that we are even now?" Harry piped up from his sprawled position on the soppy ground, the water seeping uncomfortably cold into the back of his robes. He was well aware of the blonde forehead pressed against his chin and how Malfoy's wet robes succeeded in drenching his front as well. The malicious grey eyes lifted to meet with blinking green ones.

"Far from it Potter" Draco wrenched himself from the Gryffindor's body and gave it a good thumping with his shoe clad foot before waiting for the other boy to stop wincing. He glared almost barbarically as Harry clambered to his feet. "Now Potter, I'm going to stay on the left side of this bloody toilet and you will stay on the bloody right… we are not to talk to each other for fear of me yanking out your intestines and making myself a little wreath of it, GOT THAT?" and without even waiting for a response Draco sat his pert butt on the sink, pointing an aristocratic finger to the right side of the room.

Harry stood there gaping at the blonde's dramatic performance, what the hell was the matter with him anyway? He trudged silently to the other side of the room not even bothering to attempt speech due to the way Malfoy was now poking his pointy nose in the mirror. He leaned against the stone wall and crossed his arms, clearly annoyed that he would have to spend the night here, wet, and well… stuck with Malfoy of all people.

//At least he's pretty enough to look at… too bad he's the biggest bloody jerk in Hogwarts// Harry grumbled bitterly and glared at the blonde boy, whose head shot up at the sound and eyes narrowed dangerously. //I'm not talking am I? Maybe I could have a little fun here//

The Gryffindor started stepping up and down in the water, apparently trying to get the circulation going in his leg and successfully annoying Draco Malfoy with the incessant splashing. He yawned as overly as he could stretching his hands out and pretending to scrape them against the wall while exclaiming in a loud, slightly dramatic voice 'Ow.. Damn walls'

He could just barely see the twitch in the Slytherin's eyebrow and it was as if he had a vein protruding in his neck due to the annoyance. It would have been more amusing if the vein was popping up on his forehead like a lightning bolt but Harry knew it was too much to wish for. He grinned to himself and shoved his hands in his pockets and started to whistle the annoying but catchy tune of 'Double Trouble'. If he was going to be in hell, he was going to take Draco Malfoy with him.

What Harry didn't know (or chose to ignore) was that Draco was already in hell, his hair was a mess, he didn't have a wand on him to cast a drying charm, his expensive tailored robes were ruined and to top it all off, Harry effing Potter was here humming or whistling a stupid tune that was etching its way into his already wracked brain, never mind that it was a stupid tune as well.. Draco would have been able to take it but Potter just HAD to make it off tune, or maybe the Gryffindor was just mentally impaired. It would just NOT do… but Malfoy ego would win out as per usual because Draco wouldn't break… he knew he wouldn't break…

Harry was enjoying this way too much, he leaned against the wall and with his eyes closed whistling as loud as he could, and as off tune as he possibly could that it actually started to give him a bit of a headache.

Thankfully enough for Draco, it was cured with a big ball of toilet watered tissue paper thrown strategically at his forehead, perhaps the Slytherin was aiming for his scar and Harry had to admit that it was a bullseye shot. Too bad he couldn't appreciate it to its full potential due to his complete shock at the thought of Malfoy touching the offending object.

"Potter, that was a warning, the next one won't come so nicely… you don't want to know what happens when I'm THIS stressed"

Harry spluttered, unable to come up with a response yet again for the third and thousandth time that night. And he still hadn't found out why Draco Malfoy was in Moaning Myrtles bathroom…

Finally regaining what was left of his dignity he ran his fingers through his even messier hair and said loudly "Well I can understand why you would be stressed seeing as your girlfriend didn't even have the audacity to show up, and I thought you would have been used to the cold, wet floor already considering the fact that you came here to bugger a ghost"

"Oh and you are one to talk, Mr-I-can't-keep-my-cock-in-my-pants, I suppose your reason for entering a girls toilet, let alone a GHOST'S toilet is based purely on research purposes? I think not, don't go assuming such atrocities if you are a factor in the situation. Think about it Potter, or is that half-witted brain of yours too waterlogged with girls piss to digest this information?" Draco hardly realised he was standing up and storming his way over to the Gryffindor who had thought the same thing, they met in the middle chest bumping against one another puffing themselves up to see who the victor would be.

"Fuck you Malfoy, who was the one claiming he needed robe replacements from a store way out of your league. No one that gay would be here hoping for a shag unless it was so good it was dead" Harry shoved the blonde back by and almost slipped as Malfoy's hands clutched painfully at his hips to prevent himself from tumbling backwards. His grey eyes drew to slits, lips pursed and his fingernails dug into his hips roughly enough to cause a new set of gills.

"You talk as if being gay is a crime Potter, I'm frankly surprised you haven't figured out your own sexuality considering that you find the song 'Double Trouble' a top list to hum,whistle or what not… don't think I didn't see your name on the choir list you pansy pouf" Malfoy's nails felt as if they had permanently found their home, and Harry was well aware of the fact that the boy wasn't about to let go voluntarily. Besides, Malfoy hadn't finished his tirade "and don't you go denying the homosexuality factor, I SAW you berating that elf in the kitchen asking for fat free products for breakfast, lunch and dinner"

"Okay now NOONE was supposed to know that" Harry said loudly over Malfoy's protesting nature "Besides, I saw YOU doing the SAME thing afterwards"

A sigh followed and the blonde finally let go of Harry's arms to run his fingers through his own dirty, blonde locks. As fast as lightning right after that however, he slammed a balled fist into the brunettes stomach making Harry crumple to the puddle floor.

"What the fuck Malfoy!?" he wheezed clutching his stomach, looking up with his glasses hanging off the side of his face. Malfoy's triumphant grin stared down at him.

"To make myself feel better" He turned on his heel and began walking away. Harry saw red.

What made him do what he did next was basically pure impulse, though he would have to consider a better approach if there was another time. He lurched forward and attached his teeth to the blonde's calf.

Malfoy screamed bloody murder, trying to kick Harry off his limb but only succeeding in slipping on the tiles and landing with a splash on his elegant bottom "Potter you flipping animal! What the HELL is the matter with you?"

He grappled at the Gryffindor's messy hair; gripping onto it and attempting to yank it off or at least pull the boy off his possibly bleeding leg. "I'm gonna need fucking stitches on my flawless skin you wanker!"

Harry's ears rang slightly at the pain of Malfoy yanking on his hair as if it were a yo-yo. He let go of the leg and clambered on top of the blonde before reattaching his teeth onto the boy's nearest body part… his shoulder.

Now if Harry knew this would cause a sexual reaction out of the blonde, he wouldn't have done it, but what was running through his mind at that current moment was to cause as much pain and damage to the Slytherin as possible. What he didn't expect was to have the boy gasp loudly and jut his hips forward rubbing against his thankfully un-aroused state.

But for some reason, Harry being Harry, kept biting down, unaware of the 'growing' nature of Malfoy. It was until Malfoy's hands crept up and wrapped themselves around his neck that he wondered if he was doing it right…

He let go of the boys neck and looked down incredulously into the grey eyes of Draco Malfoy.

"Wha…"

"YOU started IT" Malfoy shot back before Harry could form a grammatically correct sentence.

"Well, Well, Well… what have we here" the simpering voice made both boys turn simultaneously, there, floating above one of the cubicles was Moaning Myrtle and to their disgust, she was blushing silver. "Two little boys getting it on in MY bathroom…"

"Oh don't mind me… after all this IS my dwelling, I should have every right to view whatever show you have going on" she giggled before floating closer "Pray tell me why you boys have come at such an ungodly hour"

Harry dragged himself off the blonde, adjusting his glasses quickly and straightening out his robes "Myrtle, tell me how to get the hell out of here… since when did the toilets lock at night?" the ghost looked at him as if he were an idiot before cackling gleefully.

"Oh Harry, the toilets lock for two hours after midnight… usually the more raunchy students know this and spend their nights shagging without the fear of being caught" she shot him and Draco a bemused look "I thought you of all people would know that"

He blinked back at her "What…?"

She ignored his enquiry "So Harry… if you weren't here to get it on… then why were you here so late at night hmm?"

"Yes Potter, I would like to know that as well" Malfoy had finally picked himself off the floor and was crossing his arms leaning against the wall once more, concealing his erection with the wet robes effectively enough. Though the raised eyebrow and mocking look from Myrtle made him glare back at her.

"Hermione told me I dropped something along these corridors and I came back to find it, but then I heard YOU splashing about in the toilets. I should be asking YOU the same question" Harry said with his hands planted firmly on his hips.

"Well 'I' had an unfortunate incident of Pansy hiding my nail polish remover and she told me to look for it… here" the idea of the two girls finally warped into their minds.

"I'm going…" Harry said slowly

"…to kill her" Malfoy finished angrily.

Myrtle started to laugh uncontrollably and both boys edged towards the exit before bolting out the now unlocked doors, their wet feet slapping against the stone.

They came to a halt at a row of armor, both tinged pink from the escape and leaning against the walls. Draco let out one irritable puff of air before saying "Oh fuck it all" he stepped quickly in front of Harry and grabbed the boy's robes, pulling him forward and kissing him roughly.

Harry squeaked with surprise, and felt the blonde hand guiding his own to his hips. He felt their tongues glide past each other and lick at the lips. If there was a feeling hotter than this he was about to feel it soon, Harry lifted a leg and wrapped it around the other boy's knees, propelling his slender body forward to align with his own. The wet clothes did more than just make them cold; it clung to their bodies and gave more then enough shape to their aroused state.

Draco had moved his mouth from the boy's lips to his exposed neck, latching on and sucking onto the skin there. He didn't care that it was ground water on the neck (let alone TOILET water) but came to the conclusion that their mouths could be brushed out thoroughly later.

A wand light pointed in their direction and a cough interrupted their kissing. Severus Snape's snake-like eyes surveyed them coldly.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor" he hissed out before realizing Malfoy was the one Harry was kissing "… Five points from Slytherin… now GO to your dorms!"

He twirled on the spot and stormed off to look for more students out of bed. Draco stared at Harry for a moment… then "I have a room all to myself"

"Not anymore you don't… lead the way"

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Crack? Smex Scene? You decide Review/Feedback baby!