Title: In a Rut

Author: Robin

Disclaimer: They aren't mine. They just torture me for fun.

A/N: I wrote this awhile back when I was feeling frustrated with writing, but never posted it. Set post TS. Steph contemplates her future. Angst.

Rating: PG

I leaned my forehead on the frosted window pane and blew out a sigh, my warm breath fogging the cool glass. The sigh held a little resignation, a dash of self pity and good dose of disgust with myself for wallowing. I didn't really want to face the day or the even the next. Who did when the world looked like this… grey and cold and miserable? Problem was everyday looked like this to me lately. Even the sunny days seemed a little grey for me.

I sighed again and traced a finger through the fog in an aimless squiggle. I was in a rut. Ho. Hum. Everyday I went into the office and picked up my files. Everyday I drove around Trenton and provided what basically amounted to an expensive taxi service for the city's lowlifes. Everyday I became just a little more bored seeing so many of the same faces, having the same arguments and getting covered in the same crap. It made a body want to stay in bed.

It almost made me wish I had a stalker to spice up my life. I snorted at the thought. A person would have to certifiable to miss that kind of mayhem, which is why I wondered if I might not be going a little crazy.

Stir-crazy, at least. It was all part of a compromise I made with Joe that if I insisted on being a bounty hunter I'd stick to the low level bonds and stay out of trouble. For months, there had been no explosions, no random body parts, no snakes, nothing. And most importantly… no reason to call Ranger.

"Bathroom's free," Joe said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head as he sauntered past, his towel riding low on his narrow hips.

"Thanks," I said, still staring at Morelli's snow-covered back yard.

Joe paused and turned to look at me. "Everything okay, Cupcake?" he asked, his voice concerned.

"Yeah," I answered quickly, maybe too quickly and I flashed him a small smile to give credence to my words. "I'm just tired of winter. I can't wait for things to come alive again." Me included.

"Spring's not far off," he said, kissing my forehead before heading to the closet.

I flicked a doubtful glance out the window before slipping into the bathroom.

Standing under the steaming water, I hoped it could revitalize my spirit as well as my body. I leaned against the tile and let the water pound on my neck and shoulders and I thought about how I'd gotten here.

It had started just after the whole Scrog mess. Shivering despite the hot water, I tried not to remember the horrible events leading up to the moment that had completely altered my life. That moment when I'd finally told Joe that I loved him and everything had changed between us.

Those three words had cemented us firmly in the on-again category and I'd ended up living back at his place on a permanent basis. Everybody just kinda assumed that's where I belonged and I went along with it. Besides, my apartment housed too many ghosts I just didn't want to face, like the specter of Ranger getting shot. And then there was the memory of Ranger's mouth on my… well… you know.

When you got right down to it, I didn't want to be anywhere near my apartment. So, I moved in with Joe and let go of my place. But there were a few conditions.

Part of the new deal was Joe wanted me to take it easy at the bonds office. For the first time, he managed to explain his worries calmly without setting my temper off. What he said made sense and I'd agreed, partly because I was tired of getting stunned and partly because I was tired of fighting with him over it. It came down to a point where I could compromise or walk away. The idea of being alone just wasn't appealing, so I decided it was time to grow up. I would give a little. That's what adults did wasn't it? Relationships were a give and take, if you listened to Dr. Phil. In the end, I gave up a few things, including my apartment and the more dangerous parts of my job, and Joe gave me some of his time and attention, plus sex on a regular basis.

Problem was I was bored out of my mind. I loved the challenge of bounty hunting even when it got me in over my head. And I loved working with Ranger. But, that was the other part of the compromise. Joe wanted me to keep a healthy distance from Ranger. And in my guilt over the near miss with Ranger during the Scrog thing, I agreed. No Ranger meant no scary skips, no inappropriate touching, no stolen kisses. And his business was so busy, he was sending Merry Men to the bonds office. The closest I'd gotten to Ranger in the past month was running into Lester when he brought a body receipt by the office.

Now I only saw Ranger in my dreams and fantasies. Sometimes in the dark when Joe moved over me in the dance that we'd learned a little too well, I'd imagine that it was Ranger's hands on my skin, his mouth swallowing my moans, his muscles beneath my fingertips. Don't get me wrong, Joe was no slouch in the bedroom, but lately even rutting had fallen into a rut. I'd memorized the motions so I didn't even have to pay attention anymore.

Most of the time, in bed and out, I was operating on autopilot.

I saw the path of my life stretching in front of me. Not too rocky, not too steep. Not too challenging or exciting, either. It was going to be a series of days, each one pretty much like the one before. Except I'd probably eventually end up pregnant then married then a mother of two, driving a minivan. And at the end of the road I'd be another Grandma Mazur. I'd end up an old woman, not testing my wings again until I was too old to really enjoy it.

The idea made me want to run as fast and as far as possible, to crawl through Joe's bedroom window and take a flying leap off the roof. The thought made me want to pick up the phone and dial Ranger.

But, without Joe, the future looked even bleaker. Just me and Rex. Only Rex probably wouldn't care if Ranger starred in my sexual fantasies. And I had no illusions that if I did run from Joe, that Ranger would give me anything to run toward. He'd made that very clear when I went to him after he was released from the hospital.

That day I'd told Ranger I loved him. I don't know what I expected to accomplish, but I knew I couldn't keep it inside and risk him never knowing the truth. Some small part of me had hoped my confession would make Ranger reverse his position on relationships, I guess, but it didn't. Instead he'd looked slightly hunted and that flash of fear broke my heart.

I'd left then, letting Ranger know that I wouldn't be working with him anymore, that I was going to respect Joe's wishes. I'd only seen Ranger in passing since, and recently not at all.

I didn't let myself dwell on the future I wanted. I'd abandoned the dreams of becoming intergalactic royalty, but I still wanted to be someone special… someone surprising. I guess certain dreams aren't very realistic.

And there are some things that are just inevitable, inexorable, inescapable. I'd neatly fallen into the Burg trap that I'd been skirting my whole life.

The water started to cool and I realized my contemplations had overworked Joe's hot water heater. I turned off the shower and pulled a towel around my shivering body, wondering if I'd ever be warm again. Wrapping a second towel around my dripping hair, I hurriedly toweled off and slipped my nightshirt back on.

I stepped out of the bathroom to see Joe sitting on the edge of the bed, lacing up his boots.

Joe didn't look up when he said, "I'm gonna be late tonight working on a case, but I could squeeze in lunch. What do you say? Pino's at one?"

I nodded at Joe, absently and moved to the closet to find clean clothes.

I jumped when Joe's arms went around me and he pulled me against him, my back to his front. "Hey, what's with you?" he asked, his breath tickling my ear. "You seem distracted this morning."

I sighed and leaned into him. "I'm sorry. I think I might be coming down with something. I'm just feeling kinda blah."

He turned me in his arms and leaned his forehead against mine. "Then take it easy today, Cupcake. We can skip lunch if you'd rather."

I shook my head, "No, Pino's at one is great."

He smiled and kissed my nose, "I'll see you there. Be careful."

"You, too."

He paused for a moment, just looking at me and I mustered up a smile just to keep him from worrying. He turned and left the room, jogging down the stairs and out the door. My shoulders slumped when I heard the door close and I was relieved that I didn't have to put on the happy face any longer. I should probably let Joe know how I was feeling, but I didn't want to hurt him. He was a good guy. Better than I deserved.

He was going to propose soon. I could feel it. And there was only one thing, one person that could keep me from following the path of least resistance. I looked down at the black t-shirt that I was wearing… the last tangible evidence that Ranger was ever part of my life. I peeled it off and tossed it in the hamper.

Ranger, with his dark lifestyle and dark past had been a ray of light in my life. But, he didn't want me enough. And Joe, with his suffocating expectations, wanted me too much. I loved them both, but when I was totally honest with myself, I knew I didn't love them equally.

No doubt it was wrong to marry one man when you loved another more, but it wasn't going to stop me. I was set on a course that I just didn't have the strength to change. I glanced in the mirror and sighed at the image. The same face that I'd been looking at for years stared back, but a new sadness lurked there. I took a deep breath and when I blew it out, I blew away all the doubts and the dreams, the what if's and if only's. The choice had been made and now I'd live with the consequences.

There is a special section of hell right here on earth for people who are knowingly with the wrong man. And the punishment is living the lie. But maybe learning to make pot roast wouldn't be so bad. I squared my shoulders, fixed a smile on my face and nodded in approval at the person in the mirror. It was time to face the day.

The end