Here it is. I hope that once again it leaves people laughing but also going,"That girl is crazy. It's a good thing that Caleb is her caretaker." The WxK writers and CxK writers alike. And those who love Zac Efron and hate the girl who was kissed by him on the cheek (Disney kisses. Yeah, it's sad, isn't it?), who didn't even deserve that, who pretty much every girl who isn't crazy hates (If you do like her, go. Just go. LEAVE NOW. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.).
Once again, HUGE thanks to Chelsea Wellhord, who is the wonderful co-writer of this story! And to Bla8 for the OJ and PB joke and also Matt's grudge against Zac.
And now, R&R pleez!!!
Chapter 5: The Closet
Will: OMG! I can't believe that...that...right there is ZAC EFRON!!!!! Phobos would go whacko! Somebody should call him and smoosh it in his face!
Cornelia: It's rub it in his face, Willy. And they say blondes are dumb.
Caleb: Zac!!!! I love you!!! I mean, ahem, ALDARN loves you! Can I get your autograph???? You know, now that I think of it, Mom would love to be here right now. I should text message her! (Caleb pulls out a cell phone and starts typing furiously.)
Nerissa: (She appears suddenly in the middle of the room.) Da-da-da-da!!!!!! I'm here! And where is that little flippy-haired heartthrob???
Zac: Who's that?
Irma: That's you, Zac.
Zac: Okay. (Returns to eating peanut butter and drinking orange juice and watching the Fairly OddParents.)
Irma: And why are you backstage instead of performing?
Zac: Oh, I'm so rich and famous that I don't have to. Plus, I'd probably go deaf because of the screams.
Will: (Jumps up on the chair next to Zac Efron's) Zac, can I do anything for you? (Twists hair, licks lips, and tries not to fall off.)
Zac: Well, grow out your hair, dye it, get your ears pierced, grow about ten bra sizes, get a face lift, pay me some money, and I'll think about a cheek kiss. Or if the director says so.
Will: Hey Caleb, can you dress up as a director and tell Zac to kiss me? Only instead of a cheek kiss can you tell him to make it French? No, wait, German!!!
Caleb: What's up with all these ethnic kisses? And what's a German kiss?
Cornelia: I can show you, Calebear.
Caleb: Please stop calling me that. It harms my...manitude, okay?
Cornelia: Okay. But I'll stop doing it for a French, okay?
Caleb: YEAH! Even though I don't know what that is.
Nerissa: Oh, no you don't, you blonde whore!!!! Keep your hands off my boy!!! Okay, that sounded wrong. Just keep your hands off my boy... from a mother's perspective.
Will: So, a German kiss is simply a touching of the gums.
Zac: Ew. (He spills OJ and it goes into the peanut butter. He mixes it around and then eats some.)
Irma: Yeah, you know, that's probably the definition of 'ew'.
Taranee: You know, I haven't said anything again. I'll shut up, again.
Will: How about a German, Zaccy?
Matt: Come on!!! Will, what do I have to do for you? Caleb and Zac? Why can't you just stay with me? Baby come back to me! (Turns to Zac) Dude, I have a serious problem with you!!! Cause, guess what? I don't get to stay backstage eating peanut butter and drinking orange juice while my band is on! And I'M handsome and hot and a good singer!!!!
Irma: Well, in that case, because you're hot, or you think you are, and you can sing, then your brain is going to turn to mush!
Caleb: HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Matt: Oh, you think that's funny, Rebel Boy? I know combat!!!!
Caleb: Uh, yeah, because I taught it to you.
Matt: (Sputtering) Well...then...I'll give Aldarn a Razr and your phone number!!!!
Caleb: Oh, NO!!!!! 555-CALEB-IS-2-HOTT-4-YOU!!! Oh, yeah, but you're too late on the phone thing. He already got a Crazr.
Matt: You mean there's cell service in Meridian?
Caleb: Well, duh. How do you think Phobos knows when there's a robe sale at J.C.Penny? Or how Aldarn calls Jeffrey, his gay friend who works at K-Mart? And how do you think the Rebels order food supplies from Wal-Mart? AND HOW DO YOU THINK I GET MY AVON RASPBERRY VANILLA TONER?!?!?!?!?
Nerissa: And how do you think I pre-order Victoria's Secret lingerie for Phobos????? (Giggles) He likes me in pink!!!!
Cornelia: I could seriously have done without that mental image!!!!!!! I need therapy!!!!
Will: I think you needed it before, too, Corny.
Cornelia: Will, I hate you. And you don't deserve Caleb (or Kaleb) or Zac. ESPECIALLY ZAC!
Caleb: What? That hurts me on the inside, Cornelia!
Cornelia: I still love you, Calebear.
Caleb: WHY???????
Will: (to the tune of 'Breaking Free') I'm feeling
alone
nothing can stop me from crying all night
I love you, oh Zac, why don't you marry me and ditch out on black-haired Barbie?
Zac: Well, you're not a Barbie and my bedtime's at 8:00.
Will: I hate you! You just ruined the rhythm of the song.
Zac: Well, you shouldn't even be singing that song. You sound awful!
Will: Well, then be my boyfriend!
Matt: NO! WILL! WHAT CAN I DO TO PLEASE YOU???????
Zac: Whoa, hey man, I've already got a girlfriend.
Will: Who? That little Barbie doll from your stupid musical, or Dora the Explorer?
Zac: Actually, her name is Hilary Duff.
Will: No! I hate you!!!
Cornelia: Will! Don't hurt him! He's Zac Efron!
Will: How could you like that scary freak blonde meany?!?!?!?!?!?
Aldarn: Ohhh! Zac! Loved the movie. You were so rockin' sweet and I loved the hair! Allow me to introduce myself. Aldarn.
Caleb: Who called Aldarn? Come on. This is scary. Is there a therapist here?
Will: How could u like Hilary? I thought u totally like not liked her.
Zac: And how would u know that?
Will: Well, according to theses teen magazines it says you're only interested in girls with the same interests as u.
Zac: We do have the same interests.
Will: No! She's a terrible singer and ugly! Ugly! I am so pretty compared to her. If u could only know how much I love you. I have a picture of you above my bed and have my own personalized t-shirt that say I Heart Zac Efron! It cost me a fortune, you ungrateful sexy beast!!! Move out, Brad Pitt, 'cuz there's a new guy in town who's a thousand times hotter than you!! who happens to like Hilary who is worth more than the "Big Lip."
Zac: Whatever. Do you want to be in High School Musical 2? Deal...or no deal?
Will: You're too cute to watch mediocre TV with bald guys on it. (Zac glares at her.) Fine. Deal.
Aldarn: OHHHHH! Zac! Come back! I want another kiss! OH! I love you! Give me an autograph! I want to be Dora the Explorer this time!!!!
Cornelia: Aldarn, go away.
Zac: Cornelia, be nice. (Turns to Aldarn.) Okay, Aldarn. Sing us a ditty.
Aldarn: Well, I actually hadn't prepared anything, but I guess I'll give it a shot. Okay. Ahem. Okay. Whewwww. Okay. Breathe in, breathe out.
Zac: Get on with it, Aldarn!
Aldarn: Okay! Here I go! (Swings arms out) We're soarin'! Flyin'! There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach! (Screeches) OhhhHH!!! Baby!
Zac: Stop, Aldarn, just stop!
Aldarn: So what did you think?
Zac: I think you stank! I think the WHOLE SONG sucked!!!! Worse than Paris Hilton's CD, and that was a bad one.
Aldarn: Oh. (Sobs.) But I'm pretty like her, right?
Zac: Of course you are. You have the same big nose. Now go away.
Aldarn: Okay. You give me hope for my future career as an actor.
Zac: Whatever.
Will: Please, Zac!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!
Zac: Leave me alone! Just leave me alone! I quit!!!!! I'm not going to do HSM 2!!!! I just can't!!!! Caleb, do you want to play me??
Caleb: (shrugs) Sure. Just as long as we can work Phobos in as the school jerk and I can beat him up!!
Zac: I don't know who that is, but whatever.
Will: NO! Zac! You have to be Troy again so you can unite girls all around the world with hatred for the Barbies and love for you!!!
Zac: Fine. I'll give you deal. I won't be in the movie, but I'll direct it. Deal or no deal?
Cornelia: But then we can't see your face—
Zac: Deal, or no deal?!?!?!?!?
Cornelia: Fine, deal. I guess it's better than nothing. And stop watching that show!!!!!!!
Zac: Oh! But it's so exciting! The suspense! The bald guy asking questions and then the hot ladies opening the suit cases and everyone's like, "Ooh!" or "Aah."It's such an emotional tugger. It really touches me, you know. In here. Right here. (Taps appendix.)
Cornelia: In your appendix?
Zac: No, right here. In my heart. (Taps appendix again.)
Cornelia: That's your appendix.
Zac: Well, where's my heart then? I suppose it's up in my chest?
Cornelia: Actually, yeah, it is Einstein. You know, if you weren't so hot I'd think you were just plain stupid.
Zac: So that's why the teachers always got mad at me whenever I was saying the pledge. They'd always be like, "Zac, honey, does your tummy hurt?" or,"Are you having troubles going the bathroom or something,"or,"It's a good thing you're cute or we'd think something was mentally wrong with you," and I'd be like,"Babe, this is called style."
Irma: So, pretty boy, tell me where your brain is.
Zac: Duh, it's in my chest. Whenever I'm feeling dumb—
Cornelia: That's always.
Zac: — I touch right here (taps heart) and I feel smarter. Like a new man or something. Yeah.
Irma: Wow, that was so touching and deep. Like your brain was squished in when you were a baby. That's why you're so dumb.
Cody: Hey! We're smart! At least I am.
Zack: Hey! I want to know why you're always putting me down, Cody?
Cody: Because you're fat and the only thing you're good at is thinking you're a real big flirt with all of the other girls.
Zack: Well, at least I can actually talk to girls. You, on the other hand, are a mental retard when a girl says 'hi' to you. You with the green face over there.
Aldarn: Me?!?!?!?!?
Zack: Yeah, you. Say hi to Cody.
Aldarn: Okay. Hi, Cody.
Cody: Um, hi. See Zack, I can say hi to another girl.
Zack: That doesn't count because that was a boy. Kind of.
Cody: What?! Really? She's kind of cute!
Zack: What!?? What's the matter with you? My brother is so mental!!! At first he's socially retarded around other girls, and now he thinks that a boy is beautiful. I hope we're not related.
Cody: We are, you idiot! We're identical twins, remember? Only you're fat and I'm not. Ha ha ha!!!!!!
Will: Oh my gosh! Forget him! I want that nerdy kid who thought Aldarn was cute!
Cornelia: Shut up, Will. You need to stop paying attention to all of these stupid guys and focus on who's getting what parts In High School Musical 2! And I already know what part I'm going to get!
Will: Who?
Cornelia: Duh, Dora the Explorer turned into a hot blonde bombshell, that's who!!!
Will: NO! I need to kiss Caleb!!! You can turn into that Ashley-what's-her-face with the brother who's gay. We can replace everyone! Aldarn will be that weirdo hat guy!!!!
Taranee: Can we please hurry up? I'm getting really bored and I have a feeling that black-haired Barbie is going to come back soon! Plus I don't have many lines. Curse you, CDR!!!
Zac: Hey! You guys can hide in my closet!!
Will: Whatever. INTO THE CLOSET!!!!!!
Well, there's Chapter 5. Please review!!!!! And Zac tells you to review, too. Remember, hot guys dancing around in my head. Also, there are a few other dudes hanging out in my head, too. Garrett Hedlund who played Murtagh in Eragon. And a lot of vampires. And the guy who plays Jake Ryan on Hannah Montana. Plus, sometimes, another guy from real life pays a visit. And of course, Jack Sparrow gets bored and comes and messes with the other guys' heads. He got Zac drunk once. It was funny. They're all saying: REVIEW!!!!!!!!! (Okay, not Caleb, but he had a little too much orange juice/ peanut butter mix this morning. BLAME ZAC!!!)