Title: Twelve for Eight

Rating: T

Warnings/Spoilers/Pairings: Um...some Mary Sues that are really desperate to get in Axel's pants? Mild AkuRoku. Mention of Rape. Mention of Yaoi.

Disclaimer: KH is the respective property of Disney and Square Enix.

Authors Notes:omegapenguin0 on Livejournal wrote a list of 30 Plotbunnies in 30 Minutes. Number 4 was "Twelve Sues, One Axel...do the math." Considering this gets into some controversial issues, a couple of things. I wish to remind you all that this is a parody. I am in fact a fan of yaoi, and I have nothing but respect and best wishes for victims of rape. I also, for that matter, have been known to read AND enjoy stuff that would give cause for many ranters and sporkers to question my sanity. In short, this is supposed to be a parody, targeting and even overplaying the worst conventions of self-insert/MarySue fics.

Deep within the Castle that Never Was and blissfully unaware of the danger that awaited him outside, Axel was having an argument with Luxord, who had taken it upon himself to try and relate the predicament. Having never had any experience with the creatures in question, he was having a bit of trouble explaining why Xaldin had been so anxious to inform the other Nobody of the issue who, like himself seemed to view the situation as completely the opposite.

"There are twelve unnaturally good-looking women outside? For me? I fail to see the problem." Axel looked askance at the rakish gambler. "For that matter, I can't understand why you of all people would find something wrong with it. What are you, jealous?"

"You know as well as I do, jealousy can't be done mate." Luxord shrugged. "But that's what I thought too. They're very good looking women. The problem is…" he trailed off, causing Axel to actually look up from his book. It was a rare day that language failed the gambler. "That is to say that they happen to be of a variety of…"

In the end, Luxord was saved the trouble of explaining at all as they were interrupted by the arrival of Xigbar who was looking incredibly harassed and rather embarrassedly disheveled. He didn't offer any pleasantries, rounding on the increasingly confused red-haired Nobody. "Axel, why the hell can't I kill them?"

"Wait, kill who?"

"Those WOMEN that are here for you. Their squealing was annoying me, so I went out there. But they dodge my bullets better than Dusks. I've never seen powers like those before. The weirdest thing was though that the second I tried to fight them, it was like my own powers were gone. I swear dude, they were just so amazing, and fascinating and beautiful..." He trailed off.

"What are you going ON about man?" Luxord gave Xigbar a mildly worried look.

"I don't know. Suddenly, they just happened to be the most fascinating thing I'd ever heard of."

Something in Axel's mind finally clicked into place. "Oh Shit. They're SUES."

Xigbar's lone eye widened. "No wonder!

"Sues?" Luxord asked. "You mean they all have the same name?"

"No no no." Axel shook his head, explaining. "I was off on a mission with Xaldin a few months back, and we had to make a stopover in 'SporkLand'. They were leading a revolt against the fact that their Home world's export of terrible fanfiction was under a tariff law now. They seemed pretty pathetic at the time, but the people of Sporkland assured us that their powers are in fact only subdued IN Sporkland itself, they can be quite dangerous outside of it. They get hold of men, and turn them into pathetic, quivering lovey-dovey versions of their former selves who literally can't survive without the love and physical presence of the Sue they're attached to."

"But we can't…"

"Feel love? Doesn't matter. You saw Xigbar a moment ago: when it comes to Sue, if we think we've got emotions then we DO. Anyway, I've got to get rid of them!"

"Well have fun with that now." Xigbar shrugged. "I'm not anxious to put my ass on the line for you."

"Wait!" Axel called, a thought striking him. "Haven't you noticed how many there are?"

"Yeah, twelve. So?"

"So only one can hypothetically 'have me'." Axel said. "What makes you think that the others are just going to go home without a consolation prize?"

"What about Larxene?" Luxord asked.

"Not going to happen. Sues are NEVER gay."

"Oh. That's not good." Was all Xigbar had to say to that.

"Thought you might see things my way."

During the bickering, Luxord had been processing the story. "I still don't see the problem." He mused, earning him an incredulous stare from the other two.

"Those Sues will do ANYTHNG to get Axel, and then, the remainder will come after US." Xigbar insisted.

"Anything?" Luxord repeated.

And Axel caught on. "Anything. I'm beginning to see your point. This could be fun."

"Now wait a moment." Luxord said logically. "Maybe we don't need to go quite that far. As fun as it would be, it's counter-productive to waste time we don't really have. Xemnas has been quite insistent lately, and frankly Demyx has gotten so lazy that I get stuck with his work on top of my own. I'm of the opinion that we take care of this problem quickly if at all possible."

Xigbar rubbed his chin. "I see what you mean. Do you have a plan then?"

"Well, I think it's been proven that Axel's libido is pretty indiscriminate. Why don't we just allow them to assume he's gay? Surely an extended snog with Number 13 should be more than enough to convince these ladies that our coworker here is quite unavailable."

It did sound like an excellent idea, but after some thought it was with great regret that the fire-wielder decided to negate it. "That would work if they were regular fangirls, but Sues are different. They'd find a way to have both myself and Roxas, and I'm not about to be the one to get flack from the Superior for losing him."

Luxord shook his head incredulously at that revelation, but set himself to think again. A moment later, he snapped his fingers. "Alright, how about this: Number Thirteen can rival Xemnas for power. We'll set him against the Sues."

This time Xigbar spoke up. "Again, no can do. The whole point of a Sue is that they are too powerful to be stopped. Several of them probably have Keyblades and they're definitely way more powerful than Roxas. If I couldn't gun down twelve impossibly skinny chicks with racks that would probably make them fall over there's no way even Thirteen's got a chance."

Pausing to enjoy the idea of twelve gorgeous women with giant boobs (Even if they were dangerous, danger was often quite attractive.), the three Nobodies eventually decided that there was no way to eliminate the threat without resorting to devious, manipulative tactics. Of course, Nobodies were excellent at this sort of thing.

"The first thing we need to do, is get close to them without their powers affecting us." Axel noted, with the air of a general preparing his troops for war.

"Larxene!" said Xigbar suddenly, his sniper instincts providing the group with a solution. Infiltration was a specialty of Number II's, and even when set against creatures that by nature defied logic, he couldn't disappoint.

Axel frowned. "Wouldn't she be their natural enemy? Another female?"

"No. If what Xaldin has told me is correct, then the Sue's natural defenses against another woman would be to turn her into a 'bitch'. But we know that Larxene is already caustic and sadistic."

"Brilliant!" Axel crowed. It made perfect sense. "I'm sure this'll be right up her alley too."

It didn't take them long to track down the female Nobody. A combination of being on decent terms with Axel and amusement at the idea caused her to accept almost immediately. Luxord had never had much to do with Larxene, but he found himself appreciating the woman's delicate approach to something like sadism as the three pressed together to watch the scene unfold through one of the higher windows of the castle.

"Axel can't come out right now." Larxene's high, powerful voice reached all the way to the top of the tower, even without Xigbar's space powers amplifying it.

"So why are YOU here? I'm here to win Axel's heart. You'd better let me through since Marly-kun always lets me use Castle Oblivion when he's not around." one of the women elbowed her way to the front of the throng. She had long, silky dark-pink hair that was styled similarly to Vexen's and a black, standard Organization robe. "I'm a Nobody too, but I have Pi keyblades and the power of light! My name is Xemnash. I'm Vexen and Marluxia's daughter."

It took all of Larxene's willpower to prevent herself from dying of laughter. Emotions she might lack, but who needed emotions to understand that that was just ridiculously funny. With some effort she suppressed the snort of laughter that bubbled in her throat, and made a valiant attempt to continue.

"Alright ladies, here's the deal!"

"Excuse me!" one voice scoffed.

"What now?"

This time, a blonde elbowed her way to a front. She was decidedly flat compared to the other women there, but her features were just as flawless and her legs accentuated the skirt she wore in an unnatural way. "My name is Xanthia Yami no One Winged Angel!" she snarled viciously shoving Xemnash to one side as she muscled her way into the spotlight. "You stupid bitch, I'm a MAN."

Even Larxene couldn't recover herself fast enough. "A man?" she asked stupidly, even at the risk of blowing the deal. Up above her, the other three Nobodies in on the plan were flabbergasted.

"Of course! I'M better than WOMEN because I have a PENIS!" he huffed. "At least I won't be getting in the way of Axel-sama's homosexuality. Axel and I will have healing buttsex after he gets raped by YOU and your strapon!"

Larxene's eyes widened. "How did you know about my….you know what? Never mind. Xan is it? You're in luck. I have no designs on loverboy, so you can rest easy. If nobody else has any objections, I will direct your attention to the Destiny Islands. Obviously only one of you can have Axel, and he's told me he wants only the strongest and most beautiful of you." She paused to savour the way that the twelve women (and one man) regarded each other.

"Over the next little while you'll be forced to prove your love. With any luck you'll all die…but should one of you survive, you might just get to spend time with… 'Axel-sama'."