Author's Notes: Boredom is my creative medium. Recently I read a few stories with major mary-sues in them and it just threw me for a loop. So I decided to lash back the only way I know how, in writing. Hidan and Kakuzu are the victims in this because they're big enough to handle it. I really don't expect this to get many reviews, but whatever. Yeah and I know my punctuation sucks…On we go!
The bight afternoon sun trickled through the leaves leaving little speckled patches of light along the wooded path. Two figures walk not so silently down said path. True, their steeps were near soundless, but one figure's mouth was running enough to alert anyone in the premises.
Hidan was on a rant about his cloak, which was ripped so badly that it hung off his shoulder awkwardly. It was a memento from their last little scuffle. It had been with some religious figure of importance; Kakuzu had handed over the body a few hours ago. The stitched man refused to sew the sleeve back on properly because it was Hidan's fault that his cloak was in such sad shape, not his.
Like usual however, Hidan just complained and complained until he eventually wore the man down. Since Kakuzu had long ago discovered to his great disappointment that Hidan was in fact immortal, he usually gave in eventually just to make the man shut up.
"I mean look at it, it's hanging on by a thread, seriously." Hidan shook his arm and his sleep flopped pitifully; he was trying to prove his point.
Kakuzu tried to drown him out. Since when was it his duty to mend his partner's garments? Hidan honestly should take a sewing class of some sort; he was forever damaging his clothing. It would probably save time and money in the end anyhow.
"Come on Kakuzu, my shoulder is getting cold." He whined.
This was doubtful it was remotely warm today. Kakuzu glanced at Hidan who was busy plucking at the fibers around the gaping hole in his cloak. Kakuzu thought that Leader had an extraordinarily morbid sense of humor. He had murdered all his previous partners in a fit of rage, so what had Leader done? He had giving Kakuzu perhaps the most frustrating person in the world to replace his deceased collaborates, however, with one catch. If Hidan thought his immortally a curse, Kakuzu found it doubly so; and what was worse, they got along terribly. If Hidan said white Kakuzu said black, they couldn't see eye to eye on anything. They other was always in the wrong.
"I'm not fixing it." Kakuzu said the cloth muffled his words slightly. "It's not my fault you can't dodge."
Hidan turned and gave a sneer. "Hey, how was I supposed to know that little shit had backup?"
Kakuzu did not speak for a moment. Their target had had two weak little genin protecting him. Why a man of such great diplomatic importance had such terrible defenders remained unknown, however, one of the genin had been able to shred Hidan's sleeve with a kunai. This was more embarrassing than it was serious. The S-rank criminal had been too absorbed with his little ritual to notice he was being attacked, how sad was that. Kakuzu has long ago learned that Hidan was kind of an idiot, but still one would think that he would be a little more aware of his surroundings.
"Just deal with it." The stitched man muttered.
"But it's annoying…"
Kakuzu rolled his eyes and went back to ignoring his partner's complaining. Aside from Hidan's voice, the world was relatively quite and docile. The stitched man scanned the path and trees ahead. Everything seemed as it should, but then his dark orbs locked onto one tree in particular. Its leafy braches were waving gently but in the exact opposite way the wind was blowing. Nonchalantly he took his attention away for a moment and looked down at Hidan.
"Hidan…"
"Wha?"
He looked up to meet Kakuzu gaze, but immediately understood. The glint in his dark eyes was unmistakable; he'd found someone watched them. Hidan actually fell silent and eyed the path ahead, his eyes fell onto the same spot; so there truly was someone there, and they weren't very good at concealing themselves.
Suddenly the figure jumped from the trees protective branches. The once hidden person landed a dozen feet from them. Their stalker was completely dressed in black, but the cloth was stretched so tightly over the person's body it showed more than actually camouflaged. Apparently, their stalker was a female. Only a blind fool would miss the obnoxious amount of cleave that busted from her overly tight shirt.
"HA! I have you now!" The woman shouted in her ungodly high-pitched voice. She drew out a long sword and held it mincingly over her head, but did not appear to actually be attacking them yet.
"Who the fuck are you?" Hidan asked voice dripping with boredom.
"I'm Tomiko Umeki! I'm five foot seven, one hundred and five pounds!" She shouted.
Both Kakuzu and Hidan blinked and stared at the woman as if she was completely insane, which probably wasn't too farfetched. Since nether man moved, Tomiko took it as a que to continue speaking.
"I was born in Yukigakure where my entire family was murdered by bandits. Later I learned that my father was the leader of the men that killed my family so I killed him too. After that, I quickly went through the ranks and became a powerful Jonin. Now a days I am still on the search for the men who killed my family and I am out to get revenge at all costs…"
Hidan's mouth became slack jawed at the nonsense that spewed from the woman's mouth. Kakuzu meanwhile looked the woman up and down skeptically. Her too perfect hourglass shape made it look as though one could easily chop her in half. In addition, her overabundance of cleavage made her look top heavy; most likely, a strong gust of wind would blow her disproportional body over.
"Dude your not making any sense, now move aside and take your emotional baggage somewhere else, seriously." As Hidan spoke, he motioned for her to move off the path.
"But my overly emo past is so sad it makes people feel sorry for me, and then they fall for me." Tomiko blinked her nauseatingly bright blue eyes sadly.
"If you're from Yukigakure, why do you have a Kusagakure headband around your waist?" Kakuzu asked calmly as he pointed out the flaw in her wardrobe.
"Oh do you like Kusagakure women better? Then I'm from Village Hidden in the Grass! After all I'm here so that hopefully I can twist my self enough to impress one of you so that you'll fall in love with me!" Tomiko said cheerily. "If not then you'll find my beauty irresistible!" Tilting her head she took up a very provocative pose.
"For the love of Jashin cover your self up." Hidan's lip curled in disgust. "What the hell is your problem?"
Kakuzu was growing tired of this woman who was clearly out of her mind. "If you don't move we will use force…" Voice dry from irritation.
The woman pouted and went back to her fighting stance. First, her sob story had failed and now her flawless looks had been tossed aside. Now she only had one thing left to fall back on.
"Don't underestimate me, I have-"
"More boobs than brains?" Hidan added for her.
"No! I have immense power; I could beat both of you easily!"
"Right…" Hidan rolled his eyes. Kakuzu arched a brow, was this woman suicidal?
"With my superior vaguely described powers I will defeat you. Then I'll nurse you both back to heath because not only am I a fighter, I'm a medic too! One of you is bound to love me then!" The woman babbled on and on.
Hidan glanced up at Kakuzu and gave a pleading look.
"Can I?"
He received a nod.
With highly tuned reflexes perfected throughout decades of fighting Hidan drew out his scythe. In one smooth motion, the three-pronged weapon was hurled at the woman. The blunt tip of the scythe made contact with the woman's head and thus knocked her unconscious. Tugging sharply on the rope the scythe shot backwards and into Hidan's waiting hand.
"Man, I didn't think she would ever shut up." The religious man remarked as he walked over to the now limp figure that lay on the ground. He nudged her leg with a toe, but the woman was out stone cold, good.
Kakuzu walked up beside his partner and eyed the woman.
"I don't think she's worth anything, you want her?"
Hidan turned and looked at Kakuzu as if deeply offended.
"That…" He nudged the woman again. "Isn't worth sacrificing Jashin-sama…"
Kakuzu hummed and steeped over the unconscious person and started to walk away. Hidan followed suit and took time next to his partner.
"Man, those people are annoying." Hidan spoke as he readjusted his scythe onto his back. "Do they like come from a fucking factory or something?"
"I don't know…" The stitched man shrugged. "But they are annoying; they're like cookie cutter people…" He looked down at Hidan to see if his statement made sense.
"Yeah." The Jashin follower nodded. "They're like perfectionist that failed terribly…It's kind of funny actually."
Kakuzu returned the nod. "Yeah, funny in their own pathetic way…"
Silence fell for a moment and both thought over what they had just said. As they replayed their conversation, they realized that they had actually agreed on something. At that exact moment both stopped dead in the tracks and turned toward the other. It was impossible, they could not agree on anything and yet…
"You're a tightfisted, heathen, shithead." Hidan spoke directly at the stitched man's face.
"And you're an idiotic, overly religious, bastard." Kakuzu peered down at the man through hooded eyes.
Both nodded at the insults and without a second thought both turned away and restarted down the path. Everything was right with the world, they truly just couldn't see eye to eye and that was just as it should be.