Title: How Hermione Granger Got Her Ring
Chapter Title: Perfect Proposal
Characters: Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger
Genres: Romance, Humour
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Sexual References
Summary: Hermione lifted up her ring-less left hand and waved her fingers in front of him. Comprehension finally dawned on Draco's face. "You want to get engaged?" he asked astounded. "Bingo!"

Draco Malfoy had a wonderful life. He was rich, handsome, and charming. He had fought on the winning side during the war, managing to earn the title of 'hero' while at the same time saving the Malfoy name from being completely tarnished by his father's actions in support of Voldemort. In addition, he had a good-looking, intelligent, and brave girlfriend, who let him bury himself balls deep inside her every night. Or at least, she had until two days ago when his entire life had suddenly gone to hell.

It had started out like any other Saturday morning. They had woken late, shagged before showering, and apparated to their favorite bagel shop. He settled down with a tall black coffee, a sesame seed bagel, the Daily Prophet, and a copy of People Magazine - his sole nod to muggle culture. She had gotten a light mocha latte, a blueberry muffin, copies of The London Times and The London Economist, and the latest issue of The Journal of Hexes, Spells, and Jinxes for the Professional Curse Breaker. They sat in silence, each enjoying their own reading material, until Draco gasped in surprise. "Granger, you'll never guess who Lindsay Lohan just got engaged to!"

Hermione looked up from the article she was reading, "Who is Lindsay Lohan?"

"God woman, you are the muggle-born one in this relationship. Don't you care about your own heritage?"

"Trashy, American, celebrities are not my heritage," Hermione told him for what felt like the 100th time.

Draco shrugged and was about to go back to reading, when Hermione spoke up. "That story does remind me, however, that we should go ring shopping this weekend."

Draco raised an eyebrow and peered over the top of his magazine. "Don't be daft, Granger. You can't cook and don't even have a formal dining room set, why in the world would you need to shop for napkin rings?"

"I don't want to shop for napkin rings, you idiot."

Draco's eyes got wide. He slowly put down his magazine, nervously glanced around the shop to make sure no one was listening to them. He then leaned in to whisper, "You want to shop for cock rings?! I don't mind telling you that this is extremely disconcerting. I have always been very suspicious of sexual enhancers. Seriously, what if it falls off when we are doing the deed and gets lost in you? Every time we have sex after that, I'll feel like I'm searching for a set of misplaced house keys. Or even worse," Draco's eyes got wider. "What if it is too tight and cuts off the blood flow to 'the Dark Lord' and he's left permanently incapacitated?"

Hermione bit her lip to keep from rolling her eyes, "I still can't believe you call your penis 'the Dark Lord.'"

"Granger, pay attention to my main point!" Draco barked, almost in a panic.

Hermione smiled. For all the talk of Malfoy being a sex god and having shagged every available witch during the war, he was really the more conservative member of the couple when it came to trying new things in the bedroom. "Keep your knickers on, Malfoy. I don't want to buy a cock ring."

Relieved, Draco leaned back in his chair. "Then what in the bloody hell are you talking about?"

Hermione lifted up her ring-less left hand and waved her fingers in front of him.

Comprehension finally dawned on Draco's face. "You want to get engaged?" he asked astounded.

"Bingo! Give that man a prize."

"Granger, I've told you before that your muggle sarcasm does not impress me. In fact, I have it written down on my 'Things that Annoy Draco Malfoy' list." With a flick on his wand a piece of parchment appeared on the table. "Look right here, number 127 on the annoying list - Hermione's muggle sarcasm."

Hermione flicked her eyes to the list and sure enough, there it was, sandwiched right between 126. Potter's inability to hold his liquor and 128. Eating with chop sticks. With a flick of her wand, Draco's parchment was replaced with another list. This one was titled: 'Things that Annoy Me about Malfoy'. Hermione transfigured her wand into a quill and wrote at the bottom of the page - 53. When he makes a lame observation about muggles, my friends, or my hair in an effort to change the subject.

Draco pointed down at the parchment, "I think you meant to write 'an accurate observation' instead of lame."

"No," Hermione responded dryly. "I wrote down exactly what I meant."

Draco looked like he was getting ready to protest, when Hermione held up one hand. "It is time we got back to the real issue under discussion."

At Draco's look of confusion, she continued, "Our engagement."

"Granger, we are NOT engaged. In fact, just bringing up the idea of ring shopping before I've proposed breaks at least half of the rules in Wizarding Etiquette for the Betrothed and Soon to Be Betrothed."

"Well, excuse me if I've never read that book," Hermione responded snappishly.

Draco cocked an eyebrow at her again.

"Okay, so I've read it," she admitted. "But it is a lot of pureblood, old-fashioned, out-of-date tripe!"

"Old-fashioned and out-of-date mean the same thing, you know?" Draco informed her.

Hermione crossed her arms in front of her chest, sat back in her chair, and gave him her - I am not impressed with your ability to parse the English language stare.

Draco shifted in his seat uncomfortably; he never could withstand that look. "Let's assume you are right and all the rules about actually getting a marriage proposal before becoming engaged are 'old-fashioned tripe'. I am still baffled by why you think we are ready to get married."

"Do you really want me to list the reasons?" Hermione asked him, tapping her foot.

"Well, I don't need a dissertation on the subject, but I think that a well thought out rationale for why we should embark on this course of action, isn't too much to expect," he replied.

Draco did not understand why Hermione looked so annoyed. He was, after all, a rational man and rational men needed logical explanations before they made life altering decisions. Draco felt especially compelled to question and quantify any changes to his and Hermione's relationship since from the beginning it had been the most irrational thing he'd ever done. Dating the bossy, bushy-haired, Gryffindor know-it-all had been completely out of character for him, made to no sense to anyone who knew either of them, and had left him feeling particularly vulnerable.

Hermione pursed her lips before replying, "You know, I find this side of you completely unattractive."

"Bollocks, Granger. I know there is nothing you like better than explaining to me why I should be doing something."

Hermione felt like she should protest Draco's unflattering depiction of her, but they both knew he was right. She did enjoy being in full lecture mode. She started with the Socratic Method, "Do you remember why no one thought we would last as a couple?" she asked him.

"Because they assumed that Potter and Weasley would kill me, cut me up in little pieces, and then feed me to the giant squid at Hogwarts?" Draco guessed.

"No," Hermione responded. "I think Ron and Harry have been perfectly civil about our relationship." She'd never told Draco how she had disarmed Harry and stupefied Ron in order to prevent them from beating him to a bloody pulp, after they'd learned she was dating the former Slytherin. "Try again."

"Because they thought that Lucius would break out of Azkaban and attempt to perform his own sick version of a muggle blood transfusion on us?"

"No, but what a lovely family reunion that would be. Guess again"

"Your inability to recognize a good thing when it is standing right in front of you?"

"No," Hermione replied, starting to look a little exasperated.

"Your pathological need to categorize everyone as one of four character types?"

"No. And it is not a pathological need, just a way of organizing my thoughts," she hissed through gritted teeth, now sure that Draco was deliberately provoking her by not really trying to answer the question. No matter, she could do it herself. "No one thought we would last as a couple, because they couldn't imagine us spending more than two hours alone together without hexing each other into oblivion."

"Oh yes," Draco winked at her. "That one kind of had me worried as well."

"Well, now that we've been living together for almost a year - and no permanent physical harm has come to either of us - I see no reason why we shouldn't assume that we'd survive marriage just as easily," Hermione told him, rather smugly.

Draco gave her a smile that most people reserved for the mentally unbalanced. "Your point might be valid, Granger, except for the fact that we don't live together."

"Excuse me?" Hermione looked stunned.

"We do not live together."

"You sleep over every night!"

"No offense pet, but you get a little violent if I reach for my boxers and trainers before fulfilling your mandatory hour and a half post-sex cuddle," Draco told her with a grimace.

Hermione glared at him. "If we don't live together, then why are your hair care products spread out all over my bathroom counter? Why have your taken over the closet in the master bedroom for your robes, forcing me to hang my things in the guest room?"

"Mere convenience," Draco replied with another condescending smile.

"Why do you pay half the rent every month?"

"Those galleons aren't for the rent, but to cover other services."

"That better not be some disgusting reference to paying for sex," Hermione warned him.

"Of course not, Malfoy's don't have to pay for sex. The money is to reimburse you for the food and utilities I consume when I visit."

"Well, you've been visiting nearly non-stop for ten and half months. If you don't live with me," Hermione questioned sharply, "exactly where to do you live?"

"The Manor, of course."

"That is rubbish, Draco. You haven't been to the Manor in ages!"

"Granger, I was just there a week ago Sunday for brunch."

"I was at the Manor for brunch last Sunday too. Does that mean I live there, as well?"

"Don't be a twit, Granger. You can't live there, mother has wards up to keep you from going within 100 feet of the sleeping chambers on the second floor."

Hermione bit her bottom lip and was silent for a minute. Draco's reminder of how his mother refused to allow Hermione to venture into the private rooms of the Manor stung. "Why does Narcissa not like me?" she finally asked him, sounding a bit hurt.

"Merlin, Granger. Don't be offended. She doesn't like anyone. She barely tolerates me and I'm her own flesh and blood."

"She doesn't have wards up to prevent Pansy from going upstairs," Hermione stated a bit jealously.

Draco smirked. Gods, he got turned on when Hermione was possessive. There was something arousing about having one of the most influential witches in England acting jealous about his old girlfriend. "Well, don't take it personally, pet. She probably put the wards up because I let it slip that you wanted to shag me in the Malfoy ancestral bed to see if the world spun off its axis."

Hermione grinned slightly, "And here I thought that was one of my better theories. I guess you never told her about my hypothesis that the Manor's foundation would crumble to dust should we ever have sex on the desk in Lucius' study?"

"Hell, no. I learned my lesson after she put the wards up around the bedrooms. Besides the desk shagging theory is one of my all time favorite experiments. In fact, we should try it again on the anniversary of Lucius' imprisonment in Azkaban just to see if timing makes any difference."

Hermione was tempted to agree with him that further experimentation really was needed, but she had no intention of letting herself become distracted from her still unengaged state. "That shouldn't be too difficult to arrange seeing as how you LIVE there," Hermione told him sarcastically.

Draco replied in a satisfied tone, "I'm glad you finally see the light, Granger. Now we can stop all this silly talk about engagement rings."

"Waaaaait, wait, wait, wait." Hermione broke in before Draco could successfully end their discussion. "You surely don't think that I have no other reasons why we should get married?"

"Of course not," he sighed. Being in a relationship with Hermione Granger taught a man many things. First, that there was a God, who not only offered redemption, but also provided a sexy witch, with a shaggable body to lead a man to it. Second, that it could be dangerous to one's physical safety to make fun of defenseless magical creatures, ugly children, and Hogwarts professors in the company of certain righteous, bushy-haired, do-gooders. And third, when a smart woman wanted something -- really wanted something -- it would always involve a long, multi-explanational discussion. "So tell me, Granger, what is another reason why you think we should become engaged?"

Hermione gave him her most dazzling smile, determined to sway him with her other justifications. "Well, despite my initial fears that you didn't have the attention span to maintain a long-term relationship, as well as my concern that your less than admirable qualities would drive me into the arms of another bloke, the fact that we've been dating exclusively for two years suggests that we have the staying power to make a marriage work."

"Merlin's beard woman, we are not in an exclusive relationship," Draco exclaimed.

Hermione looked shocked. "Who else have been you dating?" she demanded to know.

"No one, but that is not the point."

"I think that is the point," she told him haughtily. "If you are not dating anyone else and I am not dating anyone else, then ipso facto we are in an exclusive relationship."

"It is a good thing you didn't have to take a NEWT examination on the rules of dating, Granger, because your definition of exclusive is so far from correct that you'd have earned a negative score."

Hermione raised both her eyebrows at him. Draco had to be feeling pretty confident if he was bringing NEWT scores into the discussion. The fact that she had done considerably better than him on the examinations was one of the sore spots in their association. "Pray enlighten me, Malfoy. What is your definition of being in an exclusive relationship?"

He smiled at her condescendingly, because it wasn't often that he got to correct her. "Being in an exclusive relationship means that you CAN'T date anyone else. While, we currently aren't dating other people, we could if either of us were so inclined."

"You aren't serious?" she squeaked out, wondering if this was some sort of elaborate joke he had cooked to drive her slowly insane. She could just imagine him writing a bullet-pointed list entitled '101 Ways to Drive Hermione Granger Crazy' down in his journal of Plots and Malevolent Campaigns, right underneath his '15 Step Program To Get Snape Laid'.

Draco shook his head, "Granger, not being exclusive was your idea to begin with."

"What? When did I ever say that I wanted to be in a non-committed, open relationship?"

"The first time you agreed to go out with me. I distinctly remember that you made me pledge to uphold two conditions before you'd join me for dinner. First, I had to promise not to be my usual snarky self -- whatever the hell that meant. And second, I had to accept that our date would never lead to a romantic relationship or any physical contact between us."

"At the time I set those conditions," Hermione informed him wearily, "I believed you were asking me out either because you'd lost a bet with Remus or because you thought I would be an easy shag."

"And yet you still went out with me," he winked, smirking his - You wanted to shag me long before I asked you out - smirk.

Hermione hated that smirk, primarily because it was so accurate. She'd be damned, however, before she'd admit it to him. "I wanted the free dinner," she told him.

"Touché," Draco replied, obviously not buying a word of it.

"Nevertheless," Hermione continued, trying to get back on topic. "Given that this pre-relationship conversation about relationships took place two years ago, and neither of us has dated anyone else since then, I think it is safe for you to assume that my feelings on the matter have changed."

"Obviously, since you can't keep you hands off my masculine bits these days."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "I meant about us being in a committed relationship."

"Granger," Draco began patiently, as if he were Nicolas Flamel explaining a complex piece of magical theory to Neville Longbottom. "Issues like exclusivity or commitment, are only obligatory if they have been verbalized. Since neither of us has ever voiced the desire to be in an exclusive relationship, we therefore are not in one."

"You are telling me, that if I decided to go to a club, get wasted, and go shag some good-looking wizard, you wouldn't have a problem with it?"

"No, what I am saying is that if you went out and shagged some other wizard; I would have no RIGHT to be upset about it."

"Your understanding of our relationship is seriously fucked up if you believe that," Hermione sputtered. "I'm letting you know right now, Draco Malfoy, that should I ever catch you being intimate with anyone else while dating me, your little 'Dark Lord' will suffer a fate rivaling that of Voldemort."

Hermione thought for a moment that Draco blanched, but she could never be sure with the pale-faced bugger. "Granger, first of all, the Dark Lord is not little. Second, while I appreciate your deep passion for me and your unwillingness to share such a fine specimen as myself with any other witches, your vengeance would be utterly unjustifiable since we are not in an exclusive relationship."

Draco wondered idly if it was possible for a person to literally explode with rage. If so, he would have to get his robes dry cleaned, because it looked like Hermione was about to blow. Her hands were clenched into fists, her lips were pressed into a thin line, and she was developing a tic above her right eyebrow. At the sight of Hermione's anger, all of Draco's considerable survival skills kicked in and he made haste to placate the furious woman across from him. "Granger, just because we aren't exclusive, doesn't mean-"

"Shut up."

"I am still enthralled with your mind and your beauty and your-"

"Shut up," she snarled.

Alright then, Draco thought to himself. Perhaps an honorable retreat was in order. Survive first, and then worry about regaining any territory lost during more favorable circumstances. He began to slowly push his chair away from their table, careful not to make any sudden moves. He'd just apparate home, wait for Hermione to calm down, maybe take her out for a nice dinner as a surprise--

"Stop," Hermione demanded, as she noticed him preparing to leave.

Draco gave her a weak smile, as his eyes darted around the room looking for a fortification or an innocent bystander he could take cover behind in case he had to dodge a hex.

"I have one more thing to say about us getting engaged," she told him in a low voice that crackled with emotion and power.

All of Draco's instincts were telling at him to run, to flee, to put his fingers in his ears and sing "La La La" at the top of his voice so he wouldn't have to hear whatever Hermione wanted to tell him. Some other part of him, however, his heart or his mind or his soul - the part that had convinced him to stand against Voldemort and to pursue the Gryffindor Golden Girl in the first place - kept him in his seat. It didn't, unfortunately, keep him from being an asshole. "Of course, pet. I'm on pins and needles."

Hermione's eyes narrowed, yet she spoke calmly with only a slight edge to her voice. "Today not withstanding, I love you, Draco Malfoy. I love you more now than I did a year ago. Moreover, I can see myself loving you even more in the years to come than I do now. And it's not unheard of, you know, for people who are in love to get married."

Draco swallowed hard. He felt faint as his gut twisted painfully and his heart tried to come bursting out of his chest. "Granger," he whispered, reaching out and grabbing her hand.

Hermione simply continued to stare back at him, as if she was waiting for him to deny loving her the same way he had denied them living together or being in an exclusive relationship.

Fuck, he needed a glass of water, he needed his brain to start functioning again, and he needed to answer Hermione without being a git. But of course, as with all the rest of his miserable life, knowing what he should do and actually doing it wasn't always accomplished on the first try. "Damn it, Granger. I thought we had a deal."

"A deal?" she whispered, her eyes starting to get moist.

"We are only suppose to say the L- word, when are alone, in bed, with the lights off."

Hermione shook free of his hand and stood up. "I want out of our deal," she stated quietly.

"Granger…"

"I'm going back to my flat. Good-bye, Draco."

TBC

Note: All the characters belong to J.K. Rowlings.