Pointless

This was inspired by the summary to a fanfic. I don't remember what fic it was, or where I found it. However, it detailed two unconscious girls being found by Hiei and Kurama, who subsequently took them home, whereupon hilarious hijinks (and random Canon/OC romance) ensued. I present for you my take on this particular plot variant. Enjoy.

Kurama and Hiei were in the park.

Shuuichi Kurama Minamino (plant master, youko and former expert seducer) and Hiei of the Jagan (half-koorime, wielder of the Dragon, and all-around badass), demons extraordinaire and currently paroled as Reikai Tantei, had absolutely no reason to be in the park. Not one.

"Why, exactly, are we here?" Hiei asked of his partner in typical irritated fashion.

"We're here because we haven't left yet," responded Kurama coolly, eliciting a glare at his statement of the obvious. "We haven't decided what to do, you'll recall."

"I know that," Hiei snapped. "I mean, why did we come here in the first place?"

Kurama thought about this for a moment. "Weren't we out for a walk?"

The Jaganshi gave him a withering look. "I do not go for walks," he said in dry and disgusted tones. He gestured pointedly at their surroundings. "Especially not here."

"But Hiei, this is the park. It's a perfect place to take a walk. Aren't the flowers lovely?"

"I. Do. Not. Take. Walks."

Kurama shrugged. "Fine. We can go to the Makai and train, if you prefer."

"Much."

"But first," the kitsune reminded, "we have to decide what to do about them." He indicated the two unconscious females under the nearby bush with a fluid motion of his hand. They were young, attractive, sporting various cuts and bruises, and quite possibly slightly demonic; it was hard to tell in this light. They did, however, clearly have long and flowing tresses and awfully adorable clothes.

"Nothing at all," said Hiei immediately. "It's not our problem."

"You said that already, Hiei, but it's not quite that simple," Kurama protested.

Hiei would not budge. "Yes, it is. We should not be here. We have no reason to be here, because we are not going for a walk and will never be going for a walk, here or anywhere, ever. Therefore we should not have found them and should do nothing about them." He turned away. "I'm leaving."

Kurama forestalled him with an outstretched hand. "Think about this for a moment, Hiei. They're not human."

Hiei's look of disinterest became pronounced. "So?"

"They're in the human world."

"And?"

"They shouldn't be here," Kurama finished, frustrated at having to carry his point all the way out.

"Demons cross the border all the time. You know that. It's half the reason that idiot Yuusuke still has a job." Hiei's patience was clearly thinning even further. "I once more fail to see how it has anything to do with us."

"We're Reikai Tantei. It's our job also," the fox reminded him.

"Fine. We're Reikai Tantei. We put down demons who cause trouble. Are these two causing trouble?"

Kurama looked taken aback. "No, not really." He recovered swiftly. "But they might once they're awake."

Hiei eyed the two girls and snorted. "Not likely. With injuries that minor they shouldn't even be unconscious—they'll be no threat even to a human child."

Kurama considered. "Their youki feels extremely strong, though. Perhaps they've been knocked out by poison or the like?"

The fire demon shrugged. "Perhaps. So if they start killing humans, we'll track them down and destroy them. Until then, I'm still leaving."

"But one looks like a kitsune," the redhead said with some minor desperation, pointing.

Hiei didn't even look. "Wonderful. Have your family reunion without me."

"And one's a fire demon!"

"Yes, because that's uncommon."

"They look like they need help!"

"They look," said Hiei, "like bait."

"Bait for what?"

"Hell if I know."

There was an interval of silence. "But what if they could be a valuable resource for our team?" asked Kurama finally, after far too long a moment of groping for words. "New team members, even? We haven't had new friends in a long time."

Hiei actually laughed, without really sounding as though he found that statement funny. "I'd like to keep it that way."

"Replacements!"

"So we can be free to waste our time taking walks?"

Searching for one last bastion of defense against Hiei's ruthless logic, Kurama made the mistake of saying the first thing that came into his head at that juncture.

"They're cute."

Hiei slowly turned again to stare at him as though he'd grown a set of fins. His eyes flicked from the redhead to the girls under the bush and back again as he attempted and failed to believe he'd just heard that sentence come out of Kurama's mouth.

Then he blew up the bush.

"Hiei!" Kurama cried, shocked as his eyes beheld the smoldering crater with its rim of blackened grass and the tiny shreds of clothing and what looked like skin that were floating down in a cloud of ashes and sparks (how sloppy of Hiei, to have failed to obliterate them entirely). "Why did you do that?"

Hiei shrugged, still appearing (but only because Kurama knew him) slightly disturbed. "We had a problem. Now we don't."

"You can't just kill people like that!"

"Demons," Hiei corrected smoothly. "We're Reikai Tantei. We put down demons who cause trouble. They—" and he indicated the crater with a jerk of his head "—were causing trouble for me."

"But we're in the Ningenkai! You can't just blow things up and expect no one to notice!"

Hiei smirked. "We'll have to leave swiftly, then. We'd do better not to be here once the human authorities arrive."

Kurama stared at his friend for a long, long moment, then blinked as if to clear his vision, and suddenly looked slightly confused. His forehead wrinkled as he studied the smoking hole in the ground as though he hadn't noticed it yet. Then he glanced at the imiko and spoke in a tone that sounded more than a trifle surprised. "You're right. We really ought to have left earlier." He frowned. "I really don't know what I was thinking."

"Hn." The Jaganshi shook his head and made a sour face. "I don't think you were."

Kurama smiled. "Quite. You have my apologies."

"Good enough."

"To the Plains of Waste, then?"

"Fine with me."

"You could have begun a forest fire."

"Shut up."

The two of them slipped away into the trees.

Random, I know—sorry for Kurama being OOC. Call it brain overflow from my long fic, as well as from all the other stuff I've been reading/working on. Please, tell me what you think; it's been a while since I've done humor.