As of chapters 269 and 270, the last installment of this fic is obsolete. xD Oh well. This one, however, is entirely crack-ified and not to be taken seriously/totally false. Enjoy.
An Afternoon Visit
Theme #7: Learning
"Ichigo," A very disheveled Orihime mentioned in passing. "You look so serious."
Ichigo continued to stare intensely at the… thing in front of him. Something was off, and it wasn't just his helmet. Bone. Mask. Whatever.
"You," He accused, pointing.
"Ichigo," Rukia reprimanded. "It's impolite to point.""Whatever," He hissed at her over his shoulder. "The point is, why's she gotta live with him, of all people?"
"Who's living with who?" Orihime asked, entirely innocent, from across the kitchen table.
"You are living with Ulquiorra," Rukia supplied helpfully, when Ichigo failed to do so. "Ichigo has a problem with it."
"Really?!" Orihime looked horrified. "If you think I'd hurt him, I assure you I have no such intentions--"
"That's not it!" Ichigo pointed at the table in a violent, business like manner. After all, that's what he meant. Business, not violence. "It's him, not you! 'Why do you have to live with him,'!"
"Eh? I like Ulquiorra!""He kidnapped you!"
"Really, Ichigo, we don't get your logic." Rukia sipped at her tea daintily. "And stop accusing the poor man, look how sad he is."
Ulquiorra continued to stare blankly- er, sadly ahead.
And Ichigo stared suspiciously ahead.
"…He's got an ulterior motive, I can tell."
"But Ulquiorra wouldn't do such a thing!" Orihime reasoned. "We've co-modulated before-"
"Cohabited," Ulquiorra corrected.
"Yes! Co-habitulated!" She continued without a second correction and patted his head. "Look how nice!"
"Yes," Rukia agreed. "Look how nice. Can you shut up and be pleasant now?"
"Oh, Rukia, don't talk to Ichigo that way-"
"Can you shut up and be pleasant now?" Ichigo shot back at her.
"Orihime, dear," Ulquiorra cut in. "Could you please get me some more tea?"
"Dear?" Ichigo echoed, brain broken.
Orihime glared at the former-arrancar.
"See? Look how nice. Your new apartment is absolutely lovely, Inoue," Rukia said, standing and leading Ichigo by the elbow to the door. "We left your 'housewarming gift', or whatever it's called by the door. We wish you luck with everything-"
"No we don't!"
"-And hope to see you soon," Rukia shoved Ichigo out into the hallway with grace. The wonderful squabbling occurring thereafter was quite comfortably muted.
"Ulquiorra," Orihime said sternly.
He already had an arm around her thigh. "Hmmm."
She swatted his hand away and started towards the kitchen. "They almost caught onto us!"
"Hmmm?"
"You need to learn to act more human, Ulquiorra!" She called, and he heard her open the refrigerator with a pop.
"More human?"
"Yes! Don't act like a robot all the time! When you call someone dear, you're supposed to mean it. With tons of emotion."
"Tons?"
"Yes. Tons."
Somehow he couldn't see himself doing that.
"Do you want sesame oil or chocolate syrup in your oolong?"
Ulquiorra was glad he made sure the apartment had large, target-perfect windows.
----
Meanwhile, on the street, Ichigo was explaining rather emotionally about how there was a suspiciously post-coital glow around Orihime when they arrived."Ulquiorra didn't have a post-coital glow," Rukia reasoned.
"That guy never glows."
"Well, just hope they aren't glowing more by the time we come back."
"I hate you, Rukia."
A rather frightening splash sounded in front of them as a cup of tea was thrown out the window and onto the street.
"Well, at least he's suffering a little," Said Rukia.
End.