Eiri refused to let the hot tears stream from his eyes. He refused to let the rest of the world know that he was letting his guard down, letting in any emotion...that he was struggling with his depression. He tried desperately not to cry. He stared at Shuichi's calm face, his eyes were closed in peaceful rest, his face calm and relaxed as though there had been nothing wrong with him only a few hours earlier. He brushed a trembling hand through his messy blonde hair, stuffing the other into the front pocket of his trenchcoat, finally allowing one miniscule tear to slide down his pale cheek and then fall from his jagged chin.

The author usually was not known to be so emotional, but this time he made an exception...for the young man he had never known he loved so much. At first, Yuki thought the boy to me no more than an annoyance, a brat, but he soon found that he needed the singer, he needed the singer so that he could finish his novels. Something "clicked" each time he was with the purple-haired brat, and that was why Yuki had stayed with him so long. He took his hand out of his pocket to force the tears out of his eyes, staring down as his thin lips fell into a frown.

He produced something from his pocket, a letter, folded up and sealed with a sticker and a kiss. He placed it into the younger man's hands, then turned to walk away, to leave the singer behind forever. His cellphone buzzed against his leg, and he grumbled a disgruntled, "Hello," as soon as he got the damn thing out of his jeans pocket. Silence pulled three minutes out of the blonde's life, thinking maybe someone was on the other line, maybe someone was going to explain why he had to leave the brat behind. But there was nothing on the other end of the line, which forced Yuki to close his phone and stuff it back where he had gotten it, the front pocket of his jeans.

With one last withered glance, Yuki gave the calm boy's lips a sweet, sincere kiss, then he left, for good, regret tugging at his heart, pleading with him to go back, but his mind was set, he had to go now or he'd never leave. He settled into his car, then stabbed the ignition with the key, forcing it to the 'on' position, driving away for good. He flicked at the power switch on the car's radio, grumbling at the voice on the station's news.

"You heard it here first...yes Shuichi Shindou...that's right..."

Yuki refused to listen, so therefore he heard just snippets of what the man was saying, then he rolled his eyes, the DJ was being an ass, deciding to play 3 of Bad Luck's songs in a row. That did enough to frustrate the blonde man, he cursed the DJ under his breath as he pulled into his driveway, not missing the blaring of one of the last songs Shuichi wrote for Bad Luck, Beaten Out, and the blonde growled again as he noticed the emptiness of his apartment. He hadn't been here in weeks, he had been living with his sister Mika, he couldn't bear to stay in his apartment while there were so many memories of Shuichi lingering there.

Then the painful flashing images raided Yuki's mind. He dropped to his knees, crying out as each one passed. Shuichi crying, trembling on the floor...Shuichi staring up at Yuki with trembling eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks, the most pained expression Yuki had ever seen contorting his beautiful face...Shuichi tearfully hunched over a single piece of paper, Yuki being forced to walk away as his husband pushed him away, not knowing that the young man was working on a letter that would end everything for the both of them...Yuki buried his head in his hands, he now lay on his back on his bed. Maybe it wasn't the best place for him to be, with all the memories, all the things he did with Shuichi here, those dirty, lustful, shameless nights...it actually brought a thin smile to his pale lips.

It felt wrong to him that he was smiling, that he was betraying the mood he's supposed to be in, he felt like he was betraying the love Shuichi felt for him, and the nagging feeling he hadn't been able to place until the day he saw the letter. That one page that ripped his heart out from his chest, that made him want to die...that one page that told him, yes, he loved the little twerp. He dug through the drawer on his nightstand, letting out what he had meant to be an 'aha', he had found it. His eyes scanned over the words scribbled on the paper, squinting every so often to read what was written through where Shuichi's tears had fallen.

Eiri -

You've seen me hurt, yet I don't think you realize how deep the pain goes. It digs deep, stabbing right through my heart. I can't hate you for it, I went into our relationshp knowing you were a bitter man, forever stuck on Yuki Kitazawa, a man vowing never to love anyone like you loved him.

I tried desperately to change you, but I failed. I failed because I never once heard you say "I love you", even worse, I never heard you mean it. I realize how hard those words are for you, but all I wanted was just one day where you would be willing to abandon your past and live the present, prepare for the future...and it's here that I have to say I was the happiest man in the world when you vowed to be my husband for life.

But neither of us came into this marriage knowing what 'for life' meant, so inevitably, we slowly drifted apart...ignoring each other as we lay in bed, facing away from each other, forcing ourselves into painful, awkward silence. But I still loved you, Yuki, I was still willing to make it work...I was still willing to crawl into your waiting arms if you were to ask me to.

It took you a while, but you asked me to. I did, and I could tell you were happy. I don't think you had smiled like that in a long time.

But it's been five years since, and I don't think I can with good conscience pretend that I'm okay when you come out of your study after a long day of writing. I love you so much, Yuki, but I can't do this anymore..I can't...

There was a slight change in the color of the ink on the page, obviously Shuichi had set the pen down to cry, then forgotten which one he was using, Yuki remembered how the little twerp kept a whole mug full of them on his desk.

I have to give you my wedding ring, Yuki, I don't have the heart to destroy it, but it'll drive me over the edge if I keep it. I know you'd want it anyway, you put so much love into that band of gold.

I have to say goodbye now, Yuki, because if I keep writing, my love for you will keep me saying that I'm going to stay, and my love for you will make me stay, will force me to be waiting on the couch when you come out of your study after a long day of writing. I want you to know that I've been battling myself for months, and I never wanted to leave you, but it hurts to be in love.

Goodbye, my love, I'll miss you.

With all my heart and soul, I am yours,

Shuichi Shindou-Uesugi

Yuki wiped away the collosal amount of tears that had built up in his eyes. He held the letter to his chest, his eyes forced closed as he painfully remembered the day he found the letter resting on his pillow, Shuichi out of his life forever. Then for the first time in weeks, Yuki cried, Yuki cried with all his heart, finally releasing his pain, his remorse for not fixing it in time, his guilt for not being there to save Shuichi from the one thing that ended the marriage...

But most of all, Yuki cried because he couldn't get the image of Shuichi's dead body, lying in a casket, as the lid was closed, and he cried because the image of his husband's headstone would haunt him forever.

He took out his cellphone, dialed a long unused number, and whispered to the woman on the other end of the line, "Come."