Author's note: this fic is a Raj/Patsy fic. a pairing which I seem to be the only fan of, but since it's mostly about Raj being Raj I hope even people who despise my taste in shippage can enjoy this story.
If there were any words to describe Raj brave wouldn't be one of them, in fact, "brave" and "Raj" in the same sentence was considered a source of merriment. More suitable words for Raj were cowardly, overly-cautious and maybe even pusillanimous by people who spend way to much time reading dictionaries and don't have any friends.
There was one brave thing Raj did and that was to fall in love with patsy smiles although this was completely accidental on his part, and now through no fault of his own they were a "couple". Word about this spread quickly through the campers of leaky lake. in acorn flats patsy was congratulated as would a returning huntress, she had missed the prey she was aiming for but at least managed to bring down the one next to it, in camp kidney they had a completely different attitude about this ever since the bean scouts had found out that patsy was commander hoo-ha (who hasn't been told)'s daughter it was generally agreed that patsy's future le amour was also going to be le dead. Campers had started referring to Raj in the past tense Edward tried to deliver a funeral eulogy but enjoyed himself too much to do it properly. On the plus side, Lazlo pointed out, Raj got lots flowers draped ceremoniously on his doorstep.
But that was a week ago …
Currently Raj was happy, all thoughts of his imminent death the farthest from his mind. he opened the door kicked away a few dried lilies from the cabin's entrance and exclaimed "oh what a beautiful day! Isn't it Lazlo?"
"It IS a beautiful day, Raj!" said Lazlo jumping over his best friend's head and landing outside with a flip "the sun's just peeking over the mountains"
He leaned into the cabin to wake up clam "HEEEYY CLAM IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DA-"
"GO. TO..BED!" clam stuffed his head under his pillow.
Lazlo shrugged "he must not be a morning person"
Lazlo and Raj watched the sunrise together.
"wanna go give an extra happy good morning to scoutmaster lumpus?"
"No I am still aching from the last time, Lazlo"
"Oh I'm sure he didn't mean to hit you with his alarm clock"
"Nevertheless Lazlo I'd rather not risk it"
"But risks are fun."
By now the sun had finished raising itself up above the horizon. And everyone in camp had started waking up and slinkman started the morning announcements he started with a good morning and went though a few reminders of rules broken the past day "… and scoutmaster lumpus would like to inform you that any campers trying to wake him before eight will be fed to mountain bears … (slinkman paused) .isn't that a little harsh?"
And lumpus who was standing to far away from the microphone to be heard properly went:
"Grumble GRUMBLE grumble!"
"Oh I'm sure it wasn't that bad sir"
"GRUMBLE!!"
Slinkman decided to change the subject. "And on a further note commander hoo-ha is stopping by for a surprise inspection today and..."
"GRUMBLE!!!? Grumble grumble whine?"
"But I did tell you sir when you when checking under your bed for stray campers a few hours ago remember?"
Meanwhile raj's formerly happy demeanor was shattered "oh my goodness! Lazlo, did you hear that!!"
"Yes. Scoutmaster Lumpus was looking for us I told you we should've went he must have missed us!"
"No Lazlo!! Commander Hoo-ha's coming OH MY GOD WHAT IF HE KNOWS!!? Laaazloo he's going to kill meee"
"Oh I'm sure it's just an inspection for no reason Raj"
Meanwhile hoo-ha's jeep roared over the highway he was in a bad mood today. yesterday he had tried to peek into his daughters dairy and could have sworn he saw a heart before she took it away and reprimanded him, that or a funny rhombus. Either way he was feeling mad today and was hoping to vent on lumpus and his bean scouts. Shouting always made him feel so much better!
By the time hoo-ha had reached the gates of camp kidney lumpus had already had the campers lined up next to the speakers. And as soon as he spotted hoo-ha coming he put on his best 'I haven't done anything' grin, saluted and said "commander hoo-ha! What brings you here?" Commander hoo-ha ran him over, jumped out of his car and threw him his keys "park it somewhere nice" he grunted not even glancing in lumpus's direction he stomped toward the lined up campers and glared at them, they trembled. His eyes roved over the line of nerdy shoddy out of shape children trying to find something to shout about, and believe me he found many.
"YOUU! Your shirts in horrible condition! And you!! Stand up straight you limpy maggot! (Maggot boy: seriously is no one offended by this? At all?) And you! You stand like a GIRL!" Edward coughed tried to sidle out of view "y'hear that Sampson he talking about you!" he said out loud "aw nerts" said samsonina "AND YOU!!" hoo-ha pointed at Lazlo. Lazlo smiled blissfully "one day I'll find out whatever it's you're all mellowed out on and you'll be dismissed from camp you little crack-head! And you!" he turned to the next camper "why... you're asleep!?" he paused shocked at this offence he poked clam who woke up yelling "PIE!" the commander decided to move on to next camper on account of this one's 'way with words' hurting his brain muscle, and as he reached Raj he could smell the fear hanging thick in the air. Raj shivered so hard little bits of gravel on the ground were vibrating away from him "youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!" hoo-ha went blue, his eyes bulged then he finally inhaled. His pupils dilated and his nostrils flared and poor Raj nearly wet himself 'OMG his nose hairs are menacing meeeeee!!!' Raj thought 'don't look him in the eyes! Gorillas always attack if you look them in the eye! ' "you know, boy, that eyes are the doorway to the soul" growled hoo-ha 'aaahh it is like he is hitting on meee! ' "Only a sinner don't look a man in the eye! YOU A SINNER BOY!!!?? "
"Noo sir"
"Whaaaaat!??? I can't hear you SPEAK UP!!"
"Noo sir"
"WHAT YOU DARE REFUSE SPEAKING UP!!!"
"No sir! I was speaking up"
"Oh ok"
"……"
"( .\ /.)"
"Um?..."
"You won't show me your soul?!!"
"It is shy, sir"
"Sinner!"
"Eh?"
"What have you done? Sinner! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!??"
"Nothing!!!"
Hoo-ha took a great sniff nearly inhaling Raj up his nose finally he said "youu lie!"
"Noo! Noo I'm not!"
"Confess!"
"..What?"
"YOU'RE SINS!!"
"b-but I've done nothing..." ..Other than date patsy, he sooooo knows about us!!! He is just going to torture then eat me like a cat would a rat!
"Really?"
"Y-yes"
"REALLY!!!!?"
"Sob yes"
"…."
"…."
"REALLY!!!??"
"Hic w-what are you going to do if it is a lie, sir? Sob"
"… I'll eat yooou"
"I CONFESS! I AM DATING YOUR DAUGHTER!!!"
hoo-ha's eyes went blank and rolled back into his tiny skull "whuuuurgggg?"
"DON'T EAT MEEE!!!!"
"YOU'RE WHAT??????" the ground shook Raj nearly flew back from the force of hoo-ha's bellow.
Lumpus who had just finished crawling out from under the jeep went "ooooooooh someone's in trooouuble!!" in a pleased way. Happy that someone else was gonna get it
"Why you little creep!! I'll rip yo-"
"AAAAAAH no ripping no ripping!!!" Raj took of running like his life depended on it, because it did, Lazlo and clam followed while hoo-ha took chase he ran toward his cabin unfortunately for Raj jelly bean cabin was nearly the farthest cabin from the gates on the way there he ran into patsy, no, literally, he slammed into her "Raj?" she twittered confused.
Lazlo ran past them "I'll hold the door open you Raj! Bye patsy!" clam ran close behind him going "fun! Fun! Fun!" with every step. He was enjoying himself.
"Sorry patsy" Raj moved patsy out of the way "I must run for my life now" and he ran past her
"What?"
Hoo-ha roared past her uprooting trees in his wake.
"Daddy?"
Hoo-ha managed to catch up with Raj and grabbed him by the back of his neckerchief "ah ha! Gotcha!" he lifted him up of the ground raj's legs pumped in midair
"Daddy!" hoo-ha dropped Raj looking shocked "pumpkin?" his expression changed from confused to suspicious "what are you doing here?"
"u-um" patsy tried to think of something she had actually just came to say hello to her boyfriend "I heard you were here daddy and I came to say hi!"
"It's to late…" hissed Raj from somewhere near the ground "he knows..."
"He knows!!? What are you lying there for? Runn!!!"
Hoo-ha grunted as he heard raj's frantic footsteps fading into the distance behind him he forgot about his daughter and chased the pachyderm boy.
"Daddy! Don't kill him!!"
Raj reached jelly bean cabin where him and his friends shut the door and leaned on it.
Hoo-ha tapped lightly on the door and said "knock! Knock!"
"w-who is there?" answered Raj
"Hoo-ha!"
"Hoo-ha who?" said Lazlo "hey did you hear that Raj I sounded like a monkey!..Oh!" the novelty of this struck him
"Funny joke." Clam pointed out.
"Open this door!" growled hoo-ha
"Not by the hairs in my chinny chin chin!" exclaimed Raj
"You worms don't have hairs on your chin! You'd better open this door or I'll huff and I'll puff- oh what the heck!" he ripped open the door, and craned his large sinewed neck into the cabin. Inside both clam and Lazlo stood to attention next to their beds Raj was no where in sight. Commander hoo-ha was taken aback he entered the room slowly sniffing the air cautiously suddenly he looked up "ah HA!" Raj who was sitting on top of the totem pole trying to look wooden nearly fell off with an "eep" he prayed to whatever merciful god he could think of to let him live maybe the scoutmaster in the sky will stop tossing volleyballs and air conditioners from the sky an actually grant a miracle for once, enter patsy:
"Daaaaaaaaaadddyy!!!!"
Hoo-ha paused in the middle of chewing his way up the totem pole.
"Stop it daddy you're acting silly!"
Hoo-ha spat out a few splinters. "Aw honey I'm just trying to protect you!"
"I can protect myself! It would be nice if you'd let me have a boyfriend with out pulverizing him for once!"
("how many boyfriends have you had?" asked Raj from up of-screen still on the totem pole)
Patsy decided to use one of the most powerful weapons in her arsenal: first her lips quivered and then her eyes welled up. "Don't you trust my judgment daddy?"
Her dad softened up "aaawww of course I don't pumpkin I'm your dad!"
"Daddy!" she grabbed her neckerchief held it to her eyes and sobbed into it "y-you could at least give him a chance! Sob"
The commander sighed "oh alright"
All the campers present, Lazlo, clam, Raj and patsy, cheered.
"BUT…!"
The campers went "eep!" except for clam he went "eh... where?"
"Only if this little pink freak" hoo-ha continued, pointing at Raj to extenuate his pinky freakness "proves he's man enough for my daughter!"
Raj's throat went dry, he swallowed "and how do I do that ...sir?"
hoo-ha laughed he threw back his head and guffawed he laughed a laugh more menacing than any laugh laughed by an any evil villain before, even the blue ones.
Then as suddenly as he started he stopped "a test boy"
"a-a test?"
"DID I STUTTER?!"
"No sir!"
Patsy took a step forward "what kind of test daddy?"
"Any kind I want pumpkin!"
"d-dadd-"
"Surely your boy here can handle an itsy bitsy test?"
"of course I can!" said Raj sticking out his chest, yet sweating from head to foot, because even cowards have some pride.
"You can?" said..Everyone.
"oh yes… indeed"
Hoo-ha turned with a harrumph "see you at the crack of dawn maggot!" he slammed what was left of the door and left
"Wow" said Lazlo after a few quiet seconds. "That was so brave Raj…Raj?"
Raj had ripped of some of window mesh from the back of the cabin and was trying to crawl out the window.
"Raj!"