Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, as much as I would want to. If I did own Harry Potter, I would be living in a huge mansion along with my close family, friends, and admirers writing Deathly Hallows instead of writing fanfics. And the manual idea belongs to Possessed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno, who wrote The Matrix Characters, Your Very Own Manual, and whose permission I have to write this.

The Owner's Guide to Harry Potter

A Manual

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of the 17-year-old Harry James Potter, Earth's resident Boy Who Lived and Chosen One. To gain maximum enjoyment from your Harry, please read these instructions carefully before assembling.

What have I ordered?

Oh, come on! I already told you that you have ordered the 17-year-old Harry James Potter, Earth's resident Boy Who Lived and Chosen One. Your Harry comes with:

-One set of black Hogwarts school robes

-A dirty orange jumper that is five times too big for Harry

-A pair of jeans that is five times too big for Harry

-An eleven-inch-long wand made of holly with a core of phoenix feather

-A trunk with various other items belonging to Harry in it

Please do not remove the first, second, or third item, as we are trying our best to keep this manual K+ rated. If you still feel a desire to do so, please call 1-800-ZE-ULTIMATE-FANFIC-WRITER so we can punch some sense into you. If the first, second, or third item(s) is (are) missing, replace immediately! Any attempt to remove the fourth item will result in the destruction of you.

How to Assemble

Your Harry is fairly easy to assemble. He will arrive in a sturdy wooden crate with the letters H.P. on each side in red and gold. Put any valuable items far, far away from the crate. DO NOT OPEN THE CRATE. Your Harry will cast a spell that causes a large hole to appear in one of the sides of the crate. Then he will crawl out of his own accord.

Help! I opened the crate!

Do not panic. Your Harry will soon jump out of the crate and demand where he is. Calmly explain where he is and proceed to the After Assembling section.

Help! I left a valuable item(s) near the crate! And Harry's spell blasted a hole through/destroyed it!

Do not panic. If your Harry blasted a hole through a valuable item(s), slowly explain the matter to him, and if you are good with words, your Harry will be kind enough to fix the item for you. If you are not good with words, your Harry will ignore you. If your Harry destroyed a valuable item(s), then you must criticize yourself for being so stupid and not following this manual's instructions.

After Assembling

Once your Harry is out of the crate, he will ask you if you are a Death Eater. Respond with "No," even if it is "Yes." He will then order you to pull up the sleeve of your arm. If you have a Dark Mark or anything that resembles a Dark Mark on your arm, we strongly advise you to somehow get rid of it prior to the arrival of your Harry. After checking that you have no Dark Mark on your arm (which you hopefully do), your Harry will ask where his sleeping quarters are. Lead him to his room, where he will stay for as long as he wants and will come down by our orders only if you yell loudly from the dining room "BREAKFAST/LUNCH/DINNER'S READY." If you have no room ready for your Harry, he will take over your room, and you will have to sleep in your living room/kitchen/dining room/etc. until you get a room ready for your Harry.

Help! I had the Dark Mark/anything that resembles the Dark Mark on my arm! And Harry saw it!

Do not panic. Calmly explain that you have made a grave mistake, and that Dumbledore has forgiven you. For no particular reason, he will say, "DON'T TELL ME YOU MADE A MISTAKE, YOU WERE LISTENING AT THE DOOR!" Then he will proceed to make you die a very slow and painful death. We warned you.

Help! I had no room ready for Harry and he took over my room!

See above.

Added Info

As soon as your Harry moves into a room, he will unpack his possessions from his trunk and leave everything unkempt. He does not like cleaning up, and will surely enjoy it if you clean up for him yourself.

What does Harry like to do?

Your Harry doesn't like following instructions, so if you ever need to give him instructions, make sure they are not along the lines of "Stay where you are," because then he will explode (metaphorically) and complain about how adults ignore him, even if you are not an adult. You will just have to listen to him rant on for 2 hours, maximum. Just do not talk back while he is ranting. Also, do not let him hear anything along the lines of "But if You-Know-Who's possessing him..." Especially NOT behind locked doors. And especially NOT in a hospital. He will be capable of doing anything else besides that.

Help! I talked back while Harry was ranting!

Do not panic. The time period of the ranting will be extended 1 more hour, minimum. Just do not talk back again, or your Harry will turn away and leave. You have just lost your Harry character.

Help! Harry heard something along the lines of "But if You-Know-Who's possessing him..." behind a locked door!

Do not panic. Your Harry will shut himself up in his room and become extremely sulky. If you have a Hermione character or a Ginny character, both of which are available from us, please usher her into Harry's room. (It is, of course, better if you have both characters). They will be able to calm Harry down in a jiffy, and he will be back to normal soon. If you do not have either a Hermione character or a Ginny character, order them right away.

Help! Harry heard something along the lines of "But if You-Know-Who's possessing him..." behind a locked door! And he was in a hospital!

Your Harry has just suffered a mental breakdown. He will lock himself up in his room and sit huddled up in a corner of his room. Even the Hermione character or Ginny character or both cannot cure him. He will not even come down to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He will stay, shattered, in the corner of his room for the rest of his life (which will probably not be very long, as he is not eating and drinking). At least you have an empty room right now.

How to Maintain your Harry

Your Harry is fairly easy to maintain. Just make sure he comes down to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and make sure he eats all his nutrients. That's all, really.

In Conclusion

We hope that you will enjoy the newest (and bravest and most reckless) member of your family. If Harry requires a friend, please consider one of the following:

-Ron Weasley

-Hermione Granger

-Ginny Weasley

-Luna Lovegood

-Neville Longbottom

-Sirius Black

-Professor Lupin

-The Marauders Set

-The Weasley Twins

The following are not recommended:

-Draco Malfoy

-Crabbe and Goyle

-Professor Snape

-Voldemort

-Death Eater Set

-Peter Pettigrew

-Romilda Vane

Thank you for reading this manual, and if you want to contact us, call 1-800-REVIEW.