Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.
Notes: Also, this is more of a comedy so don't expect too much romance and fluff.
Dilemmas were bad. Very bad.
Tamaki knew that because he was in a dilemma at the moment. A very confusing and interesting dilemma at the very same time.
While he would have dearly loved to have it disappear or to ignore it like he preferred to, it would not go away. It was nagging him day and night. It was bothering him when his mind should have been on school or some girl.
Dilemmas were very, very bad.
His dilemma? He liked Haruhi. Really liked her. Liked her so much his fantasies were plaguing his mind constantly. Not disgusting fantasies, but fantasies of starting a family with her. Of kids and a house. Maybe in France. He could teach her French.
No, he was getting way ahead of himself. The problem was that he liked Haruhi and he had no idea how to cope with it. Girls got crushes on him, not the other way around. Since he had no idea what to do, he seemed to do everything wrong.
Haruhi wasn't affected at all by his flattery. Nope, she would just glare at him like he was some freak for saying she had magnificent eyes. She didn't seem affected by gifts either. Actually, she threw those out.
No matter what he did, Tamaki could not win her heart. It was very upsetting. He never had any problems with other girls. Other girls would definitely love him back by now. They would have loved him long before actually, but that did not matter.
What mattered was that Tamaki liked Haruhi and he was striking out every time he tried.
Desperate times called for desperate measures, he had heard once.
He was definitely desperate.
That was why he was currently looking for her.
It wasn't that he disliked her, but she was scary. He knew he must be desperate enough to go looking for her.
Tamaki frowned and realized he had no clue as to where she could possibly be. Usually she popped out on her own. Nobody usually had to call for her. Nobody really wanted to. Like he had said before, she was scary.
He could try her classroom. She would most likely be there, but then again, so would Hikaru and Kaoru. If they figured out what he was doing, they would forever mock him about it. He could always make something up. However, they could possibly see through it. This was for love, though! He would have to try, he reasoned.
Walking down the hall, Tamaki didn't give it his all as he said hi to every girl. He did not have time to give one hundred percent to everybody now. He was very busy so they would have to do with ninety-five percent.
When he got to the classroom, he peaked inside. There she was, reading some magazine. Haruhi was studying and biting her lip adorably (he never got to see her in this kind of environment!). But where were those horrible doppelgangers? He had to be careful and he couldn't be if he couldn't find them.
"Tono, what are you doing here?"
Tamaki jumped as he heard the exact people he had been looking for. When he saw them, they were grinning. Why were they grinning? When they grinned, it was bad.
He toughened up and squared his shoulders. Be brave! He said to himself mentally.
"I need to talk to Renge."
Their eyes widened. Their mouths made an o for a bit until they looked at each other and then back to him accusingly.
"Why?"
He needed a reason! He couldn't let his precious plans be ruined by one simple question!
"I'm the president of the Host Club, she's the manager. There are important things to discuss!"
They looked to each other again, and then Kaoru said.
"You've never had any reason to talk to that otaku before, why now?"
Hikaru nodded, and leaned in to look at Tamaki closer, which made the blonde feel horribly nervous. "What would be so important that you'd have her involved?"
"Well-"
"Senpai? What are you doing here?"
Tamaki let out a breath of relief when Haruhi came over to see what was going on. Those evil twins couldn't do anything exactly now that they were interrupted.
"Haruhi! Daddy's so happy to see you! I've come to see Renge about some very important club things."
"Oh, okay." Haruhi said, shrugging. "Renge, Tamaki-senpai's here to see you!"
Tamaki blanched. He was not ready yet! He had to prepare his words! Hikaru and Kaoru were still standing there, eying him suspiciously and he needed to make sure he got everything right! Especially in front of them!
"Tamaki-sama?" Renge asked, eying him suspiciously as well. He was feeling very threatened and felt like retreating to a nice corner.
"Renge! There are important matters to discuss!" He took her hand, led her out to the hall more, and ignored the yells from Hikaru and Kaoru. He sighed when he could no longer hear them. He straightened up and made sure to look serious. "What I'm about to discuss with you is very important! You see, I need help. Only you can help me since you are good at these sorts of things."
The otaku nodded gravely, still stunned and pleasantly surprised by being pulled around by the king of the host club.
"You see, I like Haruhi and-"
"Hold on one moment!" Renge said her eyes wide open and smiling in a very pleased way that made Tamaki wish he had never done this. "Are you saying you're in love with Haruhi?"
Tamaki nodded.
Renge screamed.
Tamaki was definitely wishing he had never done this.
"Yes! Finally! The club finally has a good shounen-ai couple! You know, I have been waiting for this to happen. I was hoping I didn't have to turn one of you gay since that can take an awful lot of time and it doesn't have a very good success rate. But I don't have to! You have fallen in love with Haruhi!"
Oh yeah, Tamaki thought to himself. Renge thought Haruhi was a boy. Which made him, the host club king, gay. Well, he thought resolutely, he had to keep Haruhi's secret! "Ah, yes. You see, the problem is-"
"You don't know if he loves you back? You don't know if he's gay?" Renge questioned her eyes still wide with excitement. She frowned sadly and took his hand comfortingly. "You poor, poor thing! You're already tragic enough and now you're a closeted gay who's in love with a guy who has so many people chasing him!" She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and dabbed her eyes. "The misfortune that has befallen you is sad but yet so," She grinned. "Filled with angst!"
"Angst?" Tamaki asked. He was very curious. After all, Renge knew ways to please girls that even he didn't know. Anything she had to say was usually best to listen to.
"Oh ho ho! Yes! Angst! The way men brood over the confliction they feel. It's very popular these days." the otaku said elatedly and then got a very contemplative look on her face. "Though, I may not be as good at this as I would be at what girls like…"
That made the blonde's face fall. He needed a good corner. "Oh, okay then. I'll go now, I suppose." As he got up, he felt Renge grab onto his sleeve.
"Not so fast! I'm not as good, but I have read tons of shounen-ai manga! I should know enough to help you."
"Really?" He asked his face full of excitement and he sat down again and began to look seriously. "Then you have a plan for this predicament?"
Renge seemed to think hard and was biting her lip. Tamaki knew well enough not to disturb her. She was an expert and after all, you never stopped a king when he was telling a very compelling speech. Yes, he knew well enough to leave Renge to her thinking.
She scared him when she went "Ah!" and then looked at him smugly.
"What? What?"
She was smiling.
"You two are simply not compatible."
The blonde blanched and knew that was the worst arrow she had ever thrown at him. He looked around for a corner and saw that there was really none he could use. How horrible.
"You mean that I, King of the Host Club, could never attract Haruhi? But, why? After all, I am handsome! I'm charming and God has bestowed perfection upon me!"
"That's exactly your problem. Haruhi just isn't much for the finer things you offer. Actually, he is more suitable for Mori." the girl nodded, and continued. "You see, Haruhi could never fall for your princely ways. He's just too simple."
Tamaki couldn't help but think about it and had to agree that the only one that Haruhi never seemed annoyed by was indeed, Mori. She always was mumbling how much she disliked everybody, especially mumbling Damn that Tamaki-Senpai. Yes, it was safe to say that Mori was his most formidable opponent.
That was very depressing and Tamaki decided he felt like mushrooms.
"Stop growing mushrooms! Tamaki-sama! I can make sure Haruhi falls in love with you. It's simple you see. We just have to change you a bit." Renge said, grinning. She looked like her mind was reeling over daydreams. "Now, leave everything to me."
Tamaki wasn't sure if it was a good idea especially not knowing what change she had in mind but nodded anyway.
He would read a line once from a quotations book (he needed lines for his glorious speeches after all).
Do anything for love. So that is exactly what Tamaki would do. Anything.
He would just forget the man that quoted that was hung for murder.
The plan was brilliantly simple.
Act like Mori.
But it was harder than it looked.
After all, Tamaki was not known for his calm behavior or as the wild type. It is not easy to be quiet when you really want to go into a lecture about how you are sure blue curtains would look amazing in the third music room.
He still tried hard, though.
He just kept looking at Mori. Mori was looking at Hunny and since Tamaki had to act like Mori, he looked at Hunny. Hunny noticed and looked at Tamaki and seemed to wonder why Tama-chan was looking at him.
Tamaki eeped and looked at Mori again who had noticed that Tamaki was looking at him as well. Mori didn't show much emotion so Tamaki made sure he didn't as well but even if Mori was showing no emotion, he still looked a bit scary.
It couldn't be too hard to act like Mori, Tamaki thought to himself. After all, kings were known to behold great talent in the lines of acting or so he told himself.
So he looked away (in fear of not knowing exactly what Mori was thinking since he was still looking right at him) and was met with a girl.
"Um, Tamaki-Senpai? I'm your customer now, is that okay?"
"Ah yes, my beau-" he stopped in mid sentence when he remembered that that was not how Mori acted! But this princess wanted her king and how would she react if she did not get her king? It could possibly bring the poor girl to tears! He could not have that!
Then his eyes strayed to Haruhi and he sighed.
"Yeah."
The girl just smiled and sat down. "I was wondering if you'd like to share some cake I brought with me."
This must have been a test, for a perfect compliment sprung to his mind. He would of dearly loved to tell her that 'no sweet could ever fill the need for you, since you are far sweeter than this cake' but Mori just wasn't like that and Haruhi liked Mori!
"Okay."
The girl frowned and it pained Tamaki greatly. He was supposed to be making her happy!
But Haruhi.
So instead of telling the girl she had the eyes of a graceful doe, he resigned himself to just eating the cake but what was when he noticed something.
The cake had strawberries.
Haruhi liked strawberries.
Mori had given her strawberries once off his own cake and Haruhi had been pleased by it!
Taking off the strawberries and putting them on a plate, Tamaki ran to where Haruhi was entertaining some girls.
"Here." Tamaki said, doing a very fine imitation of Mori.
Haruhi looked at him and then to the plate. "Strawberries?"
Tamaki said nothing since that was what Mori did. But it was hard.
"Um, Senpai, why are you giving me strawberries randomly?"
"You like them, don't you?" the blonde asked, his act was slipping but he didn't notice because it seemed his plan was not going the way he imagined it to. For Haruhi was not jumping into his arms nor was she saying thank you and eating them in a cute way. No, she was looking at him as if he were some monster from another planet.
"Well, I do. It's just I am in the middle of a conversation with my customers, you have a customer, and you just gave me strawberries unexpectedly. You're just acting weird is all." The brunette said with a shrug.
And so ended the wonderful act when Tamaki fled to a corner, mumbling the word 'weird' repeatedly.
"The plan is ruined! Haruhi will never love me and I will never know the joys of being loved!"
"No! I will not allow this perfect boy boy love to disappear!" Renge whispered determinedly, for they were still in the host club and Haruhi couldn't hear. "We just have to try a new approach."
"Like what?" Tamaki asked, lightening up a bit because Renge just seemed so determined and that was good.
She grinned.
"The jealousy approach."
Tamaki's act of Mori didn't go completely unnoticed, for there were two identical faces staring on in curiosity.
"So, Kyouya-senpai, what exactly is going on with Tono?" Hikaru asked, noticing that Renge and Tamaki were whispering about something.
"I have no idea what you are talking about." Kyouya said, scribbling on his clipboard giving no sign that he was even listening.
Before the twins could say anything else, the subject of the conversation interrupted.
"I would like to make an important announcement! Renge and I are now a beautiful couple and love each other very much! That is all."
Hikaru and Kaoru looked at each other and then to Kyouya who looked at them with an emotionless face.
"Don't ask me. I learned a long time ago to not question his actions."
"How can you not notice Tono is acting weird?"
"He's always acting like an idiot." Kyouya answered, pushing his glasses up. "I suggest you do the same as I and ignore it."
With that, he walked off, past the new couple who was staring very amorously into each other's eyes.
"Congratulations, Senpai." Haruhi said with a genuine smile. "I'm glad you found somebody you care about."
"Oh yes, I-" Tamaki was about to say before Renge cut him off.
"Yes, yes! It's lovely! Tamaki and I will get married and have wonderful kids, won't we, dear?"
The blonde looked clueless for a minute before catching onto what she was doing and then he went onto a dramatic speech.
"Yes, you are so right, my lovely rose! I want our first kid to be named Roger! He will have my skin complexion, my eyes, and my amazing personality!"
Haruhi had no reply to this and just walked away, muttering something Tamaki couldn't hear. He frowned.
"Haruhi congratulated me! She-I mean, he must think I'm not in love with him! He thinks I'm in love with you!"
"Exactly the point, dear! He will get jealous and will be in your arms before you know it!" she said excitedly. "Now come on, we're going to my house."
"Why?"
Renge gave him an annoyed look and answered, "It's what lovers do! And besides, you are my fake boyfriend for a while and I'm taking advantage of this!"
Tamaki was hoping that all relationships were not like this because even if this one was a counterfeit, it was already tiring.
If the jealousy tactic was supposed to work, it wasn't working fast enough. For Haruhi didn't seem at all jealous that Tamaki was constantly proclaiming his love for Renge or that he was thinking of a name for his tenth child.
She didn't notice that he wasn't acting like a boyfriend to Renge either. Haruhi never even noticed that the Renge didn't seem jealous of the customers Tamaki had (girls loved the idea of Tamaki being forbidden and made him even more popular).
But this didn't go unnoticed by everybody.
"So, Tono," Kaoru said one day as all the customers left. "How's your relationship going with that otaku?"
Tamaki stilled but then started going into some dramatic speech.
"She fills my life with a light so blinding and beautiful that I cannot see which way is right or left!"
"Yeah, obviously very blinding since you haven't even kissed her."
Tamaki knew he had been missing something important.
"If you have so much love for her, then why haven't you shown her the most evident way?"
Before he had even answered, he had run to Renge and started yelling at her in French.
Hikaru blinked and looked at Kaoru. "I suck at language, what's he saying?"
"Well, he's speaking too fast," Kaoru answered, looking crestfallen. "All I could get out is cat and dress and I don't think that's what he really said."
"They're catching on, Renge!" Tamaki shouted in French, They had decided this was the best way since nobody would know what they were saying and Tamaki insisted nobody knew for reasons unknown.
"They know our love is nothing but a sham! A crime against nature!"
Renge was only half listening and seemed to be deep in thought and then she grinned. "I got it! I know the perfect plan! The sympathy approach!"
"Sympathy? But I do not need sympathy!"
"Not right now," the otaku answered, looking very mischievous and proud of herself for the plan she had come up with. "I'll break up with you and then you'll start crying for me! Do this when Haruhi is only left, though! Now, I have to yell at you."
So she did, causing quite the commotion but not understandable as she was still talking in French. Unfortunately, for Hikaru and Kaoru, they were gone but everybody else noticed.
Kyouya gave a curious look before gathering his things and leaving. Hunny had looked ready to go over to poor Tama-chan but Mori had interrupted his plight with a piece of cake and they left.
Haruhi looked on, confused and wondering why such a happy couple seemed on the verge of breaking.
But Renge shouted out one more thing before stomping out of the room and Tamaki went to a corner.
Every host knew how to cry on cue but he still rubbed his eyes very hard. After all, if he did not know how to cry right this plan would never work and he would never be able to be happy without dear Haruhi by his side!
"Senpai? What's wrong?"
Tamaki looked up to see Haruhi looking sadly at him.
"Oh, daughter! It is terrible! My love, my life! The thing that kept my very existence on this Earth has left me to rot in a miasma of anguish and suffering!"
The brunette frowned and seemed to think over her words before patting his head and saying "There's always other fish in the sea" before leaving as well.
She had left.
She had left!
Now Tamaki was actually crying for even this great plan of Renge's had failed him! There could be no possible way of Haruhi loving him if all she could do during all of this was everything but fall in love with him!
Life was so cruel.
"It didn't work?"
"No."
"You sure you did everything right?"
"I'm sure."
Renge pursed her lips and knew she could get no more from the guy since he was too busy sulking and eating ramen like a robot would.
It was very weird, Renge though, since her plans never went wrong. She had done every possible tactic she had ever seen. Yet it was no good. Haruhi just didn't seem to be moved by any of this.
"Well, this was a waste. I can do no more!"
Tamaki looked up with a pitiful look and whimpered. "What?"
The otaku shrugged and simply said. "Haruhi will never fall in love with you. You two are simply not meant to be no matter how hard you try! You are star crossed lovers!"
"No! How can this be? I have done everything I possibly can and you are saying it is not enough? It is merely a fabrication! I can not give up!"
His depression was clearly forgotten.
"Listen, I understand your grief!" Renge said. "But there is nothing more that can be done! Now, how about Kyouya? Now that's something I can eat fifty bowls of rice on!"
Tamaki had heard no more since he had walked away from where he and Renge had been talking.
He wouldn't hear anymore of it. What had happened to the romance novels he had read? The main characters always got together and they always lived happily ever after. This was not a very happy ending and it was upsetting Tamaki greatly.
Unfortunately for him, he passed by Hikaru and Kaoru.
"Tono, what happened to you and that otaku?"
"Oh, we broke up." Tamaki answered blandly with a wave of his hand. Not a very convincing act but he was in great turmoil.
There would be no cute Haruhi to see in a wedding dress and there would be no Haruhi to make him lovely meals that were made of ninety-nine percent love and one percent hard work! There would also be no Haruhi to ask how his day went as he walked in the door from a hard day's labor!
He hadn't been paying much attention when he walked into somebody.
"Ah, sorry!" He apologized but only to notice it was the person he'd been thinking about and automatically went into a great apologetic speech.
"Oh no! Haruhi! I didn't mean to walk into you! Did that fall hurt? What if a bruise mars your skin with its ugly-"
"It was just a fall. Just watch out where you're walking next time, alright?" Haruhi interrupted, wiping dirt of her jacket before continuing on her way.
There was something very cute the way she did all that which made Tamaki grab onto her hand.
There was a moment in every man's life where he had to make a serious decision that would affect the rest of his life. A moment that would mark which way you were about to go.
While it probably wasn't as serious as something like that, Tamaki decided it was since what could be more important than declaring undying love?
You must always be serious when a serious matter is at hand.
"Haruhi, listen, I need to tell you something."
The girl blinked and said. "Is it about me not taking on as many customers as I usually do yesterday?"
"No!" With that, he dragged her to a more private area; private meaning there weren't as many girls staring at the hopes of boy boy love action.
Now that he had her alone, he had no idea how to say that he loved her. He had envisioned a spectacular speech while Haruhi cried and he was down on one knee.
But that seemed foolish now and he wasn't sure he could even bend down on one knee since his body was pretty much frozen in one position.
There was only one way to do it.
"I love you!"
Then he frowned since he hadn't wanted it to sound that plain. Haruhi deserved more than that.
"Really? What about Renge?"
She brought him out of his thoughts and he remembered that she thought he was still mourning over the counterfeit relationship. "That wasn't real. Renge thought maybe if I went out with her, it'd make you jealous."
"Wait a minute." Haruhi said, her face starting to become one of annoyance. "Is that why you gave me those strawberries and why you were acting different?"
"Well, you're deeply in love with Mori and Mori gave you strawberries."
"I'm in love with Mori-senpai?"
"You aren't?"
Well, this was fantastic news! The great rain clouds that had landed on him felt as if they were going away from the beautiful news that she wasn't in love with Mori.
"Then you can go with me on a date! Let's go to a French restaurant where we can go years later as a memory of our first date!"
"Don't make a decision before I say yes!" Haruhi yelled before regaining herself. "Listen, you didn't have to go through all that just to see if I'd go somewhere with you. Actually, that's sort of weird-and don't go to a corner, Senpai!"
She sighed.
"I'm probably making a big mistake, but I'll go on a date with you."
"Haruhi, you love me!"
"Don't push it that far…"
But it was too late as Tamaki was already going into great ordinate plans of a wedding and a place where they could die together.
"We will die in a bed of roses where people will lament our great passing!"
"Stop talking about dying!"
Thus ended the great dilemma of Suoh Tamaki.
"I shall make an announcement to the Host Club of the beautiful beginnings of the great, pristine Suoh family!"
"Stop talking about marriage!"
Which began the great dilemma of Fujioka Haruhi.