Hi guys. I debated for a long time about renovating this fic to improve its readability and fix some things that bugged me for a while. It's still essentially the same story, don't panic. The formatting alone was worth the change. I removed the previous "email addresses", if only because in many cases they did not display properly and also because they made the story needlessly dense on the page. I replaced them with just character names.

As many of you know, this series is a bunch of oneshots loosely connected by theme, style, and setting. I have done my best to fix any inconsistencies, but don't cling to them too tightly, as this is all meant in good fun. Also, I don't make new oneshots in this series on demand. I just… do them when they strike me. This works because each chapter can theoretically stand on its own.

Anyone who has read Meg Cabot's Boy adult series will recognize my initial style inspiration. The rest is all just a way to cope with writer's block in between longer, more serious fics.

For those who keep coming back and for those who are here for the first time, I hope you have fun.

Love,
CM

P.S. Line breaks may or may not show up, depending on their mood. I tried my best to make sure they did, but... Well.

Warning: Language and sexual themes. For those of you who can handle this (like any of you actually heed warnings anyway), please, enjoy.

Hyrule Net

To: Midna Black
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 8:46 AM
RE: You bitch...

See me in my office.

Link

P.S. NOW.

To: Link Forester
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:04 AM
RE: You bastard!

Sooo… Where'd you get that hot secretary, asshole? I don't have one. I thought we were a share-all company, here. You ought to at least handle that kind of stuff with―

Gimme a second. Mido, Lord of the Interns, is asking me a question, and no, Mido, you don't have to make a PictureShop File that will be as big as a billboard.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that's right.

YOU BASTARD. I find no reason not to hate you.

Lots of love from your eternal BFF for like TOTES 5ever,

Dark

To: Mikau Blue, Evan Keys, Ganondorf Dragmire, Japas Marine, Zant Black, Kafei Dotour, Shad Knowing, Sheik Strike, Groose Pomp
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:08 AM
RE: Greetings, fellow men.

Unless you didn't bother to show up this morning, you'll have noticed that Link has a new smoking hot secretary who is definitely there to make Link's life an agony. I say we help! Copy and paste the following message and flood his inbox:

"I hereby request that you give me a reason to come by your office so I can check your secretary out within the limits of legal, strictly business-related flirtation. Also, Dark Knight says you're an asshole."

You won't regret it!

Dark

To: Dark Knight
From: Shad Knowing
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:13 AM
RE: Re: Greetings, fellow men.

Mr. Knight (I know I don't have to address you formally, considering the friendly stance of this company, but I think you need to be scolded according to the rules),

Seriously, Dark, how can you be like that? The new secretary (her name is Zelda Harkinian, as you know very well, so you might as well call her by name rather than refer to her with a noun) is a very nice woman. And since you know who she is, there's no need to make a ruckus about it. It might reach her ears and ruin Midna and Malon's plan.

Besides, Link is in a bad mood already, from what I could see of his livid face, so it'd be best if you didn't antagonize him.

Just friendly advice.

Shad

To: Link Forester
From: Kafei Dotour
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:14 AM
RE: About Dark.

He's asking the guys to flood your inbox. They probably won't, but I thought you ought to know.

Can I ask why you're hiding out in your office? I hardly noticed you come in; you just looked at your new secretary then locked yourself up like a reclusive hermit on E.

Come on out, you have to admit she's a looker.

Kafei

To: Sheik Strike
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:26 AM
RE: Dammit!

Terminate Dark's account. He's being his usual self: a dick.

Link

To: Kafei Dotour
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:28 AM
RE: Re: About Dark.

Why did we hire him, Kafei? Why?

Link

P.S. I refuse to admire my secretary. She's my secretary. It's just wrong to… Gods. She's eating strawberries as a snack.

To: Link Forester
From: Kafei Dotour
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:41 AM
RE: Re: Re: About Dark.

We hired him because he is a marketing genius.

Kafei

P.S. Strawberries? You ARE a bastard!

To: Link Forester
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:45 AM
RE: Re: You bitch.

Excuse me, Link, but I fail to see how insulting me so early in the morning might accomplish anything.

Ooh, I think you noticed the new secretary I hired for you. She's quite the sight, isn't she? I'm a genius; admit it. You complained about having no motivation, so now you have a reason to work off all your pent-up frustration.

I think I've just doubled the company's productivity. I deserve a raise.

Midna

P.S. I have work, sorry. It will require a good few more hours. So you'll have to deal with not seeing me for another long, very long while. You might want to use that time to calm down.

To: Link Forester
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 9:57 AM
RE: Tier 1 report.
Attached: Time Corp ― Tier 1 Report

Mr. Forester,

I finished and attached the file your intern had left incomplete. I hope it meets your quality standards.

If I may be so bold, I think you're coming down with a fever. Alternating between pale and flushed so often like that can't be healthy. Should I fetch you some aspirin?

Zelda

To: Midna Black
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:03 AM
RE: You jerk au féminin…

…You are a conniving and cruel, cruel bitch, Midna. I didn't even need a secretary. No one else has a secretary. Weren't you supposed to hire a new administrator? What's wrong with you?

Link

To: Link Forester
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:09 AM
RE: Let me guess.

Poor you. She's good at the job so now you're anguished that you can't fire her for incompetence? Oh well, that's too bad.

The minute you were born, sweetheart, the sucker was you.

Midna

To: Link Forester
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:10 AM
RE: Midna…

…is cackling evilly. It's not a reassuring sight. Any idea what's going on?

Nabs

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:12 AM
RE: Re: Tier 1 report.

Thank you, Zelda. The report's top-notch. I have no revisions to make. You must have done this before, or something, right? This is the work of a pro.

And I'm fine, thank you for your concern. I've just been under a lot of stress lately.

Link

P.S. I'll have none of that Mr. Forester nonsense. At Time Corporations, everyone is on a first name basis, no matter their seniority. We're trying to create a friendly atmosphere in the workplace.

To: Midna Black
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:16 AM
RE: I hate you.

Fuck you, as James Joyce would have lovingly said. I really hate you. Nabs just told me you're cackling. Quit it or I'll rip your manicured nails off your fingers. And don't think that just because you're a woman I'm going to stop myself.

Link

To: Link Forester
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:18 AM
RE: Re: Re: Tier 1 report.

All right, Link it is. You're right: it really is friendlier!

I guess you could say I had a little bit of practice with tier reports before. Besides, it was already started, so I only completed it. It wasn't a big problem. I'm glad it needs no revisions.

Stress? I really don't mean to pry, but are you sure you don't need more sleep? I saw you typing quite angrily at your keyboard (I couldn't help but notice). If you have a problem with your computer, maybe I should call the IT department?

Just tell me. I'm at your service.

Zelda

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:19 AM
RE: Spill!

So? He's hot, huh? I told you he would be. Hiring you was the best two-birds-with-one-stone thing we could ever do.

Also, congratulations on the pencil skirt. It's great first-work-day wear. It outlines your bottom, and we both know what power a well-rounded bottom has on lecherous businessmen.

Not that Link is lecherous or anything. He's a real gentleman, so he might check you out, but he would never show any bad taste.

Hang in there! It's your first day, but I know you can do it.

Malon

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:20 AM
RE: Sobs-a-plenty.

I'm a lecher.

Please allow me to perform harakiri on my pitiful, tortured body.

… You do still have that ceremonial katana on your office wall, don't you?

Link

P.S. Who even says 'I'm at your service' anymore? Why is there a party downstairs, dammit?

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:24 AM
RE: Re: Spill!

He's gorgeous and we both know it, Malon. You're a great friend for giving me this opportunity. But I can't write private mails like this too often, okay? He might pass by and read over my shoulder.

Not that he's come out of his office since he came in, like, two hours ago. Pooh.

But he seems very nice and professional. And so educated!

Zelda

To: Link Forester
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:25 AM
RE: Re: Sobs-a-plenty.

It's a scimitar, you uneducated fool, and no, you shall not commit harakiri, seppuku, felo-de-se, or any other form of ethnic honourable suicide.

Now why exactly are you a lecher?

Nabs

To: Midna Black
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:29 AM
RE: Bravo.

I don't know how you did it, but you have managed the impossible: Link Forester, administrative, financial and legal genius, has confessed to being a lecher.

Here's are the Linkster's own words:

"I'm a lecher.

"Please allow me to perform hara-kiri on my pitiful, tortured body."

Followed by the less than subtle, "Why is there a party downstairs, dammit?"

Spectacular work. Now we need to get rid of that secretary of his by tomorrow, because she's making him lag in his work.

Nabs

To: Dark Knight
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:34 AM
RE: Indeed…

Victory is a sweet, sweet song.

Midna

P.S. I know you have compromising holiday party pictures of everyone in Production and IT. Send them over. I deserve the reward.

To: Midna Black
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:37 AM
RE: Re: Indeed...
Attached: Japas Sloshed (IMG), Drunk Ganon (IMG), Varnished Evan (IMG), Bamboozled Mikau (IMG)

Oh, you sneaky rat. And here I thought I was evil.

I'll only hand over half the requested reward, though. The second half will come once your true goals have been accomplished. So get working.

Dark

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:38 AM
RE: Re: Re: Sobs-a-plenty.

You want to know why I'm a lecher? Isn't it obvious? My new secretary (!), Zelda, has the body of a goddess and enough smarts to properly finish a tier report. On her own! She wears skirts that outline her backside whenever she bends over to pick up a fallen pen. She eats strawberries as snacks. STRAWBERRIES, Nabs! Because peanuts wouldn't have been sexy enough against those glossed lips of hers. And she has the most luxurious blonde hair I ever saw.

Now all I can seem to focus on is the colour of her bra straps through her blouse (purple, I think, but I don't want to get closer to be sure because I disgust myself).

I used to be composed and respectable. Women were an outside distraction. Women in the workplace, no matter how well they dressed, were never a problem. What's happened to me? How could one woman turn me into a complete pervert?

Have pity on the agony of a man!

Link

P.S. Luxurious blonde hair. I used the word 'luxurious'. Gods, I disgust myself.

To: Malon London
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:39 AM
RE: Need your help.

Hey, Malon. You want the blackmail material Dark has? Get Zelda to move faster.

There. I've done my part.

Midna

To: Midna Black
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:41 AM
RE: Puke.

You really outdid yourself, Midna. He used the word 'luxurious'.

What's your secret?

Nabs

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:42 AM
RE: Re: Re: Spill!

Give him some time. He's bound to come out of his office at some point.

So did you eat the strawberries yet? And did you bend over to pick your pen up? That never fails to work.

Next time, find a form for him to sign and lean over the desk to give him a good peep.

… You're not wearing panties, are you? That might be an important factor.

Malon

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:44 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Spill!

You're a horrible, horrible person, Malon.

I feel like such a teenager. Gods know I haven't felt that way in a long time. It makes me giddy.

But yes, checkmark the sexy snack and the pen drop. Next I'm using the signature request.

Do I have clearance for the lunch hour?

Zelda

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:46 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Re: Spill!

Not yet, but I've got it covered.

Hang in there, honey.

(So are you or are you not wearing panties? Dark is making me ask. You don't have to answer, though. He's just a sleaze.)

Malon

To: Midna Black
From: Rauru Luz
C.C.: Crystal Aroma, Barthelemy Dotour, Impa Shades
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:47 AM
RE: Well?

How is the work coming along? Employees seem more distracted than usual.

Rauru

To: Staff (Removed from mailing list: Link Forester)
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:51 AM
RE: IMPORTANT MESSAGE!

Hey, everyone! Please note that as of 11:45, we are all going out for a nice, long lunch to bond over our love for Time Corp.

Your presence would be highly appreciated and even mandatory because you know you like fun. Even you, Zant.

This message is sponsored by the Get-Link-Laid Foundation. Just kidding, Impa! Kinda.

Malon

P.S. Do NOT forward to Link!

To: Rauru Luz
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 10:56 AM
RE: Re: Well?

Things are going splendidly, as I'm sure you can now attest, sir.

Midna

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:01 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Spill!

That was a beautiful announcement. Poetry of the highest form.

It's 11:00. I'm going in for the kill. I just found a complicated form for him to sign.

I will now make a blatant flirt of myself and undo one more button of my blouse, for added leaning effect.

Here I go! Pray he salivates at least a little!

Zelda

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:14 AM
RE: Re: Re: Sobs-a-plenty.

Have I killed someone in a past life? She just came in to make me sign a form and to inquire about my health (which involved her getting quite close, in case you were wondering).

I confirm the bra is indeed purple. A nice lavender purple, too. It certainly enhances her bosom. I get this feeling like her buttons are gradually getting undone or something. I could have sworn she was more of a prude this morning. I am not complaining. I am that horrible.

Thank gods I don't have to get up from my desk anytime soon.

Link

To: Link Forester
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:17 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Sobs-a-plenty.

I changed my mind. Come get the scimitar and put an end to that pathetic thing you call a life.

This ought to entertain me somewhat.

Nabs

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:18 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Spill!

WELL? Has drooling occurred?

Tell us! The whole of HR, Production and IT are in my office having a wager, here!

Malon

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:20 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Spill!

You people are shameless. I used to have such a high regard for this company.

Just kidding. I still do. Somehow.

I hereby confirm that while no visible drooling occurred (the man is made of iron will, you gotta hand it to him), he certainly looked quite warm and 'uncomfortable' for a moment there.

… So, who won the wager?

Zelda

To: Midna Black
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:22 AM
RE: Seriously…

"So, who won the wager?"

I'm starting to like this woman. If Link gets the stick out of his pants, we might have plenty of baby geniuses running around the office in no time.

Dark

To: Dark Knight
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:25 AM
RE: Re: Seriously…

Dark, could you stop twisting expressions around? Also, could we not discuss Link's sex life? He's an attractive guy, but if he's inching towards monogamy, do not make me stray.

Besides, you're at my service, remember? Don't check out other women.

Midna

P.S. But yes, she's a smart woman, with just the right balance of good and evil. Couldn't imagine hiring a better one.

To: Midna Black
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:26 AM
RE: Re: Re: Seriously…

I'm at your service? I'm not so sure about that.

Then again… Are you wearing a thong? Just curious.

Dark

To: Dark Knight
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:28 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Seriously…

Dark, you are a single-minded, shameless pervert.

Midna

P.S. Thongs are uncomfortable so I'm not wearing one, yet I have no panty lines… Do the math.

To: Midna Black
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:31 AM
RE: Re: Re: Re: Re: Seriously…

I'm all yours.

Dark

P.S. You should marry me.

To: Midna Black
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:35 AM
RE: Oh?

You seem in a good mood. Any particular reason (other than the fact that Link might finally get what he so desperately needed and therefore stop being so tense all the bloody time)?

Malon

To: Malon London
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:39 AM
RE: Re: Oh?

My private life is none of your concern.

It's not your place to know that Dark just asked me to marry him, even though neither of us believes in the institution of marriage and we're not even dating in the first place.

Midna

P.S. It's 11:40. We should get going. Gather everyone. It's Dark's treat.

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:41 AM
RE: Hang in there!

We're going now. I want you to show him who is boss (hint: it's not him)!

Seriously, though, don't keep it a secret longer than necessary, alright? About who you are, I mean. Link's a good guy; he deserves to know.

Then again, he's pretty dumb not to have made the connection yet. I mean, your name is just THERE, on the SCREEN. He even reviewed your application himself. He's really fucking forgetful sometimes.

Malon

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 11:42 AM
RE: Re: Hang in there!

Don't worry about it, Malon. Link is in safe hands. Even if he is super absent-minded.

Have a nice lunch! I sure will.

Zelda

To: Midna Black
From: Rauru Luz
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:36 PM
RE: Tell me

I still haven't decided if I'm comfortable with what Malon just told me you had our new employee do with our less-new employee. Also, in retrospect, was all this staging absolutely necessary?

Rauru

To: Rauru Luz
From: Midna Black
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:42 PM
RE: Re: Tell me

Judging by Link's expression, I'd have to say that yes, sir.

Midna

P.S. You're the one who kept saying that Link was more wound up than a caliber 50 coil. Now he isn't anymore. You're welcome.

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:43 PM
RE: Holy moly.

She must have done him some good while we were gone. Did you see his face?

Dark

P.S. Think she wore any panties after all?

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:44 PM
RE: You weren't kidding…

That must have been a memorable lunch. You look like you just woke up from one of my recurring chocolate pool dreams (they are great, by the way).

… Was he any good?

Malon

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:49 PM
RE: Re: You weren't kidding…

He was splendid. I have no regrets. I'll have to make him a permanent fixture in my life.

For a trial run, I'd say he gets a 4.9 on 5.0. He lost a little bit because he didn't figure out who I was until I told him I was the Zelda Harkinian that was supposed to come in for the new administrator job (is my name common or something?). But he certainly made up for that mistake later on, hence the near perfect score.

Thanks for helping me out on this little stunt. Totally the best introduction to a job ever. I owe you one, and don't say that rescuing you from Ingo back in high school was enough.

Zelda

To: Zelda Harkinian
From: Malon London
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:51 PM
RE: Re: Re: You weren't kidding…

You vixen!

Yeah, Link doesn't have such a great memory, but he's brilliant at everything else. I guess everyone sort of assumed that extended to the nookie department.

Apparently we were right.

Malon

P.S. You made Ingo crush on you for three years just so he would stop teasing me about my braces. That is raw dedication to friendship, you know.

To: Malon London
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:53 PM
RE: Re: Re: Re: You weren't kidding…

No worries there. He's yummy.

Zelda

P.S. So I guess we're even now.

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:54 PM
RE: I'm a god.

Hey, Nabs. My secretary? Yeah. She's Zelda Harkinian. As in, Zelda Harkinian, our new administrator.

She's also hotter than fire.

And I hit that on day one.

Plus, she makes a mean turkey sandwich.

I think I'm in love.

Link

To: Link Forester
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:57 PM
RE: Re: I'm a god.

Please use my scimitar. Please. You're disgusting me.

Nabs

P.S. The IT, Production and HR departments were wondering if she wore any underwear. They asked me to inquire since the lady in question was silent on this matter.

To: Link Forester
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 1:58 PM
RE: You're warned.

Tell them I wore nothing and you'll suffer a brutal, painful death.

Love,

Zelda

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 2:04 PM
RE: Re: Re: I'm a god.

She wore long johns.

… Wait, you talk about underwear during work hours?

Link

To: Nabooru Spirit, Midna Black
From: Dark Knight
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 2:17 PM
RE: What a liar.

You totally know she went au naturel.

I win my wager!

Dark

To: Midna Black, Dark Knight
From: Nabooru Spirit
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 2:21 PM
RE: Re: What a liar.

Dammit. There go twenty rupees.

Nabs

To: Rauru Luz
From: Zelda Harkinian
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 2:23 PM
RE: Just a quick thank you

Mr. Luz,

As agreed at the start of our contract, I just want to say that my trial run in Time Corp has been an enlightening, promising time. I would gladly continue working here, and I will make sure to put in a good word with my father's business, Destiny Industries, on your behalf.

We will discuss this further at a later date.

Zelda Harkinian

To: Link Forester
From: Rauru Luz
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 2:34 PM
RE: Congratulations, my boy.

You earned yourself a raise. I don't want to know what arguments you used. Just consider that Time Corp. is glad to have such an upstanding young man in its ranks.

Let us never speak of today again.

Rauru Luz

To: Nabooru Spirit
From: Link Forester
Sent: Monday, Biember 7, 2:36 PM
RE: By the way,

Did I mention I'm a god?

Link

So, as you can see, no major changes to remark on. Some consistency fixes and all, but nothing drastic. I hope you enjoyed the improved version.

There are a couple more ahead, so off you go.

Love,
CM