What Hurts the Most

A/N: Random songfic. I was in the mood.

Summary: WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH. Booth's thoughts a year after Brennan's death.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bones or the song 'What Hurts the Most'.

I'm lying on the couch of my apartment, listening to the rain outside. It doesn't bother me that the apartment was empty. Or that it's raining. I stopped getting Parker quite as often because he reminds me of her. "The pretty bones lady" as Parker put it. God, I miss her. I'm not afraid to cry anymore. I don't want to be strong anymore. I try to pretend I'm ok, but I know I fail dismally. Anyways, it's not that she's gone that hurts me the most.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

I was so close. I had so much to say to her and then she was gone. I'll never know what we could've been. I was just trying to love her. That's what hurts the most. I tried to save her. I covered her wound but it had punctured her lung. I didn't let her go without telling her. I told her that I loved her, but I'm not sure she heard me. She was gone the next minute. It was all in slow motion. Now I wish that the slow motion would end.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

I just can't deal with the pain. I know I lost her and I know I could have saved her. Her voice often echoes in my head:

"It's not your fault Booth. You did everything you could. Don't blame yourself."

It's hard to even get up and get dressed. It's been a year but I still can't go back to the lab. All our friends are there. Angela tries to be cheerful, I know, but she misses her too. If I could do it over again, I'd have told her. Angela was right. If I could do it over again, then I'd tell her I love her. I wouldn't let another moment go by and I'd save her. I know I would. But I can't force a smile if I see them.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

I was so close. I let her go. There was nothing I could have done to save her, I know that. But that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most was having so much to say to her. And now I don't get that chance. All I was trying to do was love her. I was so close, and then she left. She left and I didn't get the chance I wanted ever since we closed our first case.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Dear God, what am I supposed to do? It hurts so much. She was so close to me. I told her once that with each shot, we all die a little bit. That wasn't my shot. It was the shot that killed my best friend and partner, and half of me. I arrested the guy and told him that if he wasn't killed on Death Row, I would kill him. He's currently on the road to Death Row. But he killed her. She was the only woman I could ever love and now she's gone. Oh God, send her back to me. What am I supposed to do without her? What hurts the most was being so close. I had so much to say and I never knew what we could've been. All I was trying to do was love her. Send my Bones back to me. I drop to my knees at her headstone.

"Bones, if you can hear me," I say, "I want you to know I love you. I tried to save you Bones. Believe me I did. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to share my life with you. So did Parker. Bones please come back to me. I love you so much. What I wouldn't give to hear you call me an alpha male again. Bones please come back to me. Can't you see I need you? Angela needs you. She's not half as cheerful now and she doesn't go shopping as much. What hurts the most, Bones, was that I was so close. I had so much I had to say to you and then you were gone. Now I'll never know what we could have been. Bones I love you. And I miss you." I stand up and kiss my fingers and touch them to the headstone. "You'll always be my Bones." I laugh softly as I read the headstone. It says:

Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan

A loving partner, friend, and sister

I wipe the tears from my eyes as they travelled to the engraved dolphin and bone.

"Bye Bones. I love you," I say. I look at the stone once more and then I turn away. I have to go to the Jeffersonian. Bones would want me to stay there. The squints and I need to stick together. I have to be strong. I have to be strong for them.

(Not seeing that loving you)
That's what I was trying to do